AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

[Atchooch]

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

I'm a mental health nurse and I think you should go.

It's so easy when looking after someone wirh severe mental illness for life just to become about their needs and the carer's survival. You and your daughter's wants and needs are valid and important, and to stay well you also both need to have a life outside of caring for your poorly loved one.

If he's on a section 2 after being sectioned very recently they should be cautious about rushing things and for there to be a good and clear plan of support on discharge. Be honest with the ward that you are going on holiday, that it's so important to DD, and that if he is discharged prior to the holiday care for him will need to be in place - be that his family and/or the crisis team. My ward have the usual bed pressure nonsense but we've been able to work around things like this. Notice is better so your team can manage the expectations of their bed managers. be clear and firm.

for you, there's every reason to think he will recover but it can feel like a long slog and a return to functioning can take a while after the immediate symptoms have be treated.

That sounds like it was really hard. I am glad you are out the other side.

So the first time he was put under section 2. He was manic.
Then he went onto section 3.
Then he was discharged.
He became suicidal within a few weeks.
He went back to hospital voluntarily.
A few days later the nurses put him on 5(4). This was because it meant they could stop him from leaving the ward. They haven't gone into details and I've not asked but I think they thought he was going to hurt himself.
Then a section 2 again. It was a section 2 rather than a section 3 because he was presenting so differently to the first time.
He has a few weeks until they need to consider a section 3.

So yes, he is very ill. I'm really starting to worry that he will never be properly well again.

He hasn't got any better since he self-admitted.

We've been together almost 30 years. Our 20 year wedding anniversary is actually while we are away which makes it all extra tough. We went to Venice a week after we met (I know! I'd be horrified/furious if my daughter did that!) and we also went there for part of our honeymoon. We'd planned to be there for our anniversary. I have a feeling he had planned something. I've taken Venice off the trip with my daughter. It didn't seem right to go there without him right now.

I have no intention of giving up our marriage.

I'm so sorry, OP. I followed your previous thread and think you absolutely need to go on the holiday. If your dh were himself he'd tell you the same thing.

Go, and try not to worry.

As someone caring for a mentally ill teen I would encourage you to go. It is terrible and scary and exhausting trying to care for someone you love so much who is mentally unable to care for themselves or even to empathise / sympathise with what you are dealing with. You need a break, your DD needs some normality. It is terrible for your DH but you staying home won't make him well and there is no guarantee that he will get better in any timeframe that would allow you to do this trip "a bit later on".

He sound hard work and entitled manchild.

Definitely go.

Speaking as someone with long history of MH issues who hardly travels anyomore because of it.

Not the same but 3 years ago I had an acute episode of a physical medical condition. 4 weeks in hospital. Recovery involved surgery and it took nearly 12 months for me to be back to 90% of what I was.
DH and I had previously booked a variety of trips and concerts / events over that 12 months. I missed all of them but wherever practicable he went with friends with my encouragement. He needed that respite from always being on and looking after me and then looking out for me.

He was so caring but I could see how tightly wound he was with the stress.
He needed the breaks, you and your daughter need the break. If your DH was mentally sound then he would recognise that too. He is scared and disappointed not to go.
But do go OP. You can’t look after your daughter and be there for your DH if you have nothing for you xx

I'm sorry you are all going through this. It adds an extra level when the unwell person can't (won't?) help themselves. My husband is engaged and taken his meds consistly (apart from a few weeks when he was first manic and the nurses had to threaten him with injecting them). He actively wants to get better. However he is feeling so bleak right now I am worried he will stop because he doesn't see the point.

Sunandsunshine
I completely agree about the level of hate aimed at partners on MN and I don’t think it is a reflection of real life.
I don’t feel I could advise OP on whether to go away with her daughter as it is very difficult to know the situation really from a few lines of text here. It is for her to decide. But whatever she decides, I hope it goes well for you all.

Given the circumstances, I wouldn't go.

If you go, call him every day.

In the kindest way, this is going to be the rest of your life with your DH now. And it's perfectly OK to put the brakes on and take time out while you can. He's on a hold, he's safe and if you're not there, he can't be discharged. His illness can't take over the entire family existence.

Very difficult situation but 100%you must go on holiday. DH is not the only person in your family. Other people deserve a life too. I hope you have a lovely time and both return in good spirits to support DH as needed.
Possibly look at a getting a regular day to spend with dc by arranging respite/ family help for DH?

Just go. I mean he is in hospital getting treatment anyway. Don't be guilt tripped.

Go. Show your dd that she matters too. Go and enjoy it - set aside any guilt for the 10 days. 10 days is nothing but the example you set for dd is a lifetime.

I saw the bit where she said 'Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay' which suggests discussions haven't even taken place?

So if he’d had a heart attack and he was intensive care, you’d still go on your holiday would you?

So when are you planning on raising the request that he stays with family while you and your dc have your much needed break?

I absolutely agree that you need to go but instead of focusing on what sections he has had focus on back up while you go. If his family won't do it what about friends?

It’s not the same thing. OP’s previous threads were horrific to read, at one point both her and her DD were in direct danger.
This man is ill and I’m not sure he will ever get better. OP is staying with him so that means at times she has to care for herself and put her DD first.
He will be ill when she goes and when she returns.

@SundayBangor it absolutely does sound like
youre laying on the guilt to make a stranger look bad.
know how that helps you really, because it sounds like you’ve decided already and I’m just laying on the guilt for the sake of making a stranger on the internet feel bad. But I’m a bit shocked by the number of posters urging you on to go away for ten days, to look after yourself and your daughter. It’s not that you shouldn’t look after yourself and her, it’s the way you’ve already separated out your and your daughter’s well-being (current and future) from your husband’s
so op and daughter shouldn’t be treated as people in their own right, who should be able to get respite from a stressful difficult situation ?
it doesn’t matter if they’re worn down and broken?

I have and I am waiting to hear back from them. She never replies straight away.

Go.

Remind DH that you have considered his feelings and do really believe that, once he is well again, he would never forgive himself for spoiling the much planned holiday for you and DD.
Remind him also that you have compromised and are going away for a shorter time.

Suggest that he spend his time revising the out of way places that you and he can visit when he is well enough to join you.

DD will be busy studying for the next three years.

Does DH have a male friend who can call in regularly? or who can stay over for a couple of nights?

If we're going to compare it to physical illness, let's compare it to the Plague. Would you still be with him if he had a highly contagious almost certainly deadly illness? No. You'd take all necessary protective measures to protect yourself and your children.

Unlike cancer or a broken leg, mental illness is highly contagious in its own way. The OP risks destroying her own and her child's mental health if she doesn't take all necessary protective measures. And oddly enough, the OP's husband will likely fare better if he has to face the reality of his illness being accepted and treated but never pandered to, to the detriment of his child.

You do realise anxiety isn’t the issue here and that you’ve no idea whatsoever if he will be ok or not ?

Her husband is seriously seriously ill and in hospital. This isn’t a bit of anxiety we are talking about.

There have been some very disabalist posts on here about selfish people who are mentally ill and manipulative. People never seem to say this about physical illness even though that too can make people “selfish”.

I remember OP and her posts and I’m very sorry to hear your husband isn’t any better despite him self admitting.

From what you have written I do not believe your husband is selfish or manipulative. I believe he may be lacking in awareness due to his illness and shouldn’t be blamed for this.

That said as many others have noted - he may be unwell for a long time. Your DD also needs you. It’s an absolute shitter for everyone and not an easy decision either way. To be honest I think you may feel some guilt or negative feelings no matter what you do so be prepared for that. That doesn’t made you’ve made the “wrong” choice.

Personally I do think you should go - for your DD.

Either the hospital or your husbands family will be forced to step up if you are not there. The hospital will take this information into account relating to discharge and it may force their hand into keeping him in.

I wish all of you well and I hope he recovers soon.

Go on the holiday OP. I read all your posts under your last name and you sure as hell deserve and need it! You need to remember you aren't just there to take care of him during his illness. You have your daughter to take care of too, and most importantly, yourself. You are no use to anyone else if you are running on empty, so go fill your own cup before filling his.

You may feel some guilt and he may tug on your heart strings ( I completely get he doesn't mean to do this in a emotional blackmail kind of way), but when he gets better he will understand why you went ahead.
My partner has EUPD, I carted him off to his parents house for 4 months when he went into his worst ever episode. I couldn't have him in the house around my kids like that. Yes i felt guilty, he accused me of abandoning him and not loving him but I blocked it out. Once he was stable he didn't care what I had done, he completely understood and agreed it was the best thing for everyone. Hopefully your husband will feel the same when hes well again. In the meantime, bury the guilt, be there for him but not to the detriment of yours and your daughters happiness and life. You still need and deserve to live your life with happiness in it.

Sorry to hear that this is still ongoing OP. I'm a bit worried that some of the "advice " on here is very guilt tripping about your responsibility to your husband while ignoring the fact you also have a responsibility to your DD.
She really does have the right to have some level of 'normality" after such gruelling events.
Please prioritise her - as well as yourself and the need for you both to have some enjoyment and type of normal life. 10 days isn't much to expect.

Sounds super tricky and I think no question that you and DD should not be putting your lives on hold as it does sound like it will be a marathon.

That said I’d be open with him and the hospital about how to handle it. 10 days is a long time and you say your daughter has no idea about the suicidal thoughts but she’s 15 so I find it difficult to believe deep down she’s not aware. Does it need to be one lot of 10 days…. Could you discuss with him whether 3 trips over the summer of 4 days each would be better or similar. That perhaps sets you up better for longer term dealing with you continuing to live your life and prioritising DD more frequently rather than this being more of a one off?