AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

[Atchooch]

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

I think this is the risk - if there is a bad reaction or a problem then the impact of that will fall on the DD.

It's an awful situation, but if someone is too unwell to be left, they're too unwell to be left.

OP's daughter's life has been turned upside down and she will be getting a lot less attention from her mum who is pretty much doing everything single-handedly now, being the sole earner and caring for her DH. A short holiday with her daughter isn't selfish and he has parents that he can go to so.

I think you should go . I think it will be good for both you and your daughter and will give you respite from what has been a very challenging time . I think you need to prioritise your daughter and yourself and this will enable you to continue with the further challenging times you face .

i think if you have family WhatsApp groups , you could try and set out your reasons for going and why you need to prioritise your daughter . It might not change anything, but at least you will have had the chance to set out your position.

I think it is easy for those that aren’t in your situation to judge , but they can’t appreciate how it is fully, if they are not going through it .
I think you will need to put some boundaries in place for contact by your DH and relatives whilst you are away . You don’t want to be completely uncontactable , but also don’t want to be plagued by constant calls . As you are travelling a bit you could suggest that best to contact via WhatsApp / text messages .
I hope that you enjoy the break .

She doesn't know if he'll be in hospital or if hospital will provide aftercare. The state of our mh services i would guess not. Violent criminals are let out without strict follow up so someone with mania will not be top of their list of concerns. She doesn't know if his family will care for him and let him stay with them.

Hospitals do not work around family holidays so she needs to take control and instead of awaiting a reply from his dm ring her and see if they will be support while she goes away. If not then arrange private care. I can't believe we've had pages of folk rightfully saying yep she needs a hol without the obvious that a vulnerable adult needs provision in place if left.

Some martyrs on this thread 🙄

A teenager and her mother should not have to put their whole lives on hold indefinitely for a grown man.

Is op his Care coordinator? Can he not contact family?

I think you should go, and if possible have the original longer trip. I remember your previous thread and if anyone needs and deserves this break, it's you two.

She's his next of kin like it or not. Mh services just do not provide much aftercare once discharged. Maybe the odd follow up in a couple of weeks but not comprehensive care so she can enjoy her holiday.

Yes ideally he should contact his family but sick people particularly those with mh issues are poor self advocates, this is not new information.

She needs to actually have a conversation with his family.

OP has said that she has contacted his parents and is waiting for a response.

Absolutely go. Your DH should not want your DD to miss out on such a great opportunity.

Definitely go on the holiday . I am afraid that DH is being incredibly selfish and unfair to suggest that you don’t . As you say, both you and DD need and deserve this break

Go on the holiday.
Living with and caring for someone who’s mentally unwell is bloody hard! My adult dd has suffered from mental health problems for the last few years and has been repeatedly sectioned.
Im sorry your DH is so unwell but when will your mental health matter too? And your daughters?
Someone suffering from poor mental health in the home affects everyone and every part of your life. I ended up on antidepressants myself because of the toll it took on me.
You and your daughter need the holiday and I think you should go and enjoy yourselves

My ex (Lets call him Bob) was bi-polar and not sure what your husband has been diagnosed with but Bob frequently convinced himself he didn't need his tablets but knew I would mither him to death over it, so hid the fact from me. He would get sectioned and then it was all rinse, repeat.

Until the CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) started coming every fortnight and switched from tablets to injections which she administered. We had a relatively long period of stability. There were enough moments of joy/love in the relationship to make it worth while. Until he started dodging her visits.

This type of illness can be well maintained but it never goes away, its a deeply emotionally painful condition for them but being their partner can be all consuming. Bob realised what he had put me through ...regularly, in his moments of clarity and he was grateful, mortified and devastated in equal measures.

Take time for yourself, take the holiday with your daughter and switch off from reality, it will be there when you get back.

Exactly. It’s so easy to say “put your daughter first” but if the outcome is that OP and her DD return to a nightmare situation, that’s really not going to help the DD. So many pp are assuming OP will go on holiday, have a great time and return refreshed. There is absolutely no guarantee of this, that the situation won’t deteriorate from bad to worse due to her going away. Unfortunately in dire situations, realism is essential, and trying to make a difficult and complex decision seem like a straightforward one of prioritising your child, whilst ignoring any possible negative outcomes, is unhelpful.

The comparisons people make with physical health problems and just general misbehaving always miss the mark.

Low mood isn't more selfish than any other illness that causes pain and loss of functioning. It's just the pain is mental pain and not physical. When you're in pain you can't think about anything else and it's hard to see the needs of others. This isn't the same as selfishness.

Mental illness also isn't like a broken leg or heart disease. The causes of these are clear and the treatment pathways relatively straightforward (if unpleasant).

FWIW the best physical health comparison, if you need this, is diabetes. Diabetes can respond to treatment and lifestyle changes so well it becomes hardly noticeable, but it requires the person to be on it, to engage in treatment and to diligently take medication. For some people, through no fault of their own, their diabetes is just innately tricky to manage and takes lots of time and monitoring to stay well. For others, they don't take treatment, engage in monitoring or follow health plans and they end up in chronically poor health.

It would be possible to anticipate this and mitigate the negative outcomes, though. If DH is with people who can support him to stay safe and OP manages contact for when DH is able to speak to DD without being very emotive this would help.

I've supported lots of people when their loved ones go on holiday while they're in hospital. I completely get why it's unpleasant for family to go away but this can be a relapsing illness that can take a while to treat. A break can help people have the stamina to keep going.

Sorry you went through that and that was brilliant your husband was so supportive.

But... the huge difference with @Atchooch is that she also has a 15 year old to consider, whereas you had a newborn baby who would never remember such an event.

A 15 year old will be HUGELY impacted by this and not going away will have detrimental effects on the MH of a teenager.

As there is no time limit on how long the manic and depressive episodes will last, you can't really put the rest of the 15 year olds life on hold for what are some of the most important years.

For them it will feel like theyre trapped doing nothing until they are an adult and can go on their own.

I work with teenagers and am very aware how things like this affect them.

10 days away will make a massive difference to a teenager and give them the break they clearly need. The OPs husband will be perfectly safe with his family.

Yes I know. She needs to ring them. Sorting out support for him <as ill people are unable/reluctant to do> is up there with sorting flights and holiday accommodation.

I was thinking the same..
Obviously as he has been ill he has you all around

with the consent of him of course, and they are entitled to say no

Yes in which case she asks someone else or pays professionals. Waiting for a response is crazy she needs to get this sorted asap.

They won't enjoy their trip, no matter how much they deserve it, if they leave their ill dh/df home without backup.

Does he lack capacity to be involved in any of this care planning? There definitely needs to be a discharge planning meeting so it’s not all dumped on the op to manage and organise.

there’s a huge difference between check in to see if he’s ok and eating/drinking and expecting people to be on suicide/self harm watch

Go. Mental illness affects the whole family. It's absolutely exhausting trying to look after someone whose mood is unstable. Been there, done that.

You need to seriously consider the impact his illness will have on your life going forwards. It's rare for someone to be sectioned these days so I'm assuming his recovery will be long.

I had a mental health episode and the LAST thing I wanted was for others to be negatively affected by it. Seems to me that his problem is selfishness, pure and simple.

Well he’s still in hospital now - but will he still be there when the holiday is supposed to happen? So he might be under the care of the hospital but it’s hard to know in advance. That’s the issue….