AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

[Atchooch]

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

I’ll be judged but MH issues, addiction issues and the like has less tolerance from me.
He doesn’t get to dictate and revolve the home with this.
he is an adult and needs to manage it and quite frankly deal with it.
I have lived through a close relatives Mh issues and I’m very resentful of that. It’s very selfish as well. Very. It’s not to be put upon a child.
Does he not care about the impact it has on his family? His child? His child who hasn’t had a holiday since 3 years old? A wife who had to live through all of this?

Just go. Have that time with your dd without his issues present and hovering over you both.

She said the trip will be for 10 days. I don't think that's unreasonable.
4 days is hardly time for an enjoyable European trip and for several shorter trips it would mean that arrangements have to be put in place several times for someone to be with her husband rather than just once

Good for you for sending him to his parents and putting the kids first.

All career deserve respite breaks especially young carers

What about kindness to her daughter? Does only her husband matter? She is more responsible for her daughter than she is for her husband.

think if my husband had taken my child for ten days away from me in the months after that episode we wouldn’t still be together now.

But @SundayBangor that was a little baby and you were postpartum. She is not "taking away" a 15 year old from him, that's not comparable. She is doing something without him that it sounds like the 15 year old sorely needs. It is probably not the last mitigation they will have to do for the welfare of the 15 year old who is also vulnerable and also matters in this situation.

I’ll be judged but MH issues, addiction issues and the like has less tolerance from me.

Yes, you will be judged, because that entire sentence is stupid.

Mental illness is incredibly selfish.

@BeMintFatball

Nice massive offensive generalisation there.

Bullshit. "Mental illness" is not one single illness. It is not necessarily "never-ending" either.

@Atchooch I really would push for him to remain in hospital while you're away. You need to present the holiday as a fait accompli to his team, and point out what they probably already know - that he is too ill to be alone or even with family while you're away. Also say that If he's stressed about you going away, his MH might be volatile, so needs to be being professionally managed.

Also I suspect it's the only way you and DD will get to enjoy your holiday. Because if he's with family you're going to get phone calls every day.

I remember your previous thread too. I think you're wise to be bracing yourself for this being a long-term/permanent situation and I think you've been both a great wife to him and a great mum to your DD. It's a really different situation to that of the pp who had a newborn baby. Your DD is a teenager and is getting to that stage where her life is naturally differentiating from that of the family. The choices you make now will make the difference between her maintaining a close relationship with you (and hopefully him too) and feeling pushed out of a claustrophobic circle-of-two where you focus exclusively on his needs at the expense of hers. I hope you can sort out the practicalities.

Are men ever mentally ill? Or is it always selfishness and being a manchild? I mean he’s sectioned and in hospital so the professionals obviously think he is mentally ill. But you know better…

Parents should put the well-being of their children first. You chose to enter a relationship with your DH, you chose to have your DD. You are literally responsible for her life.

Your daughter had no say in being born nor in choosing her parents.

Your husband may be resentful of your decision to prioritise your daughter now, but when (if) he recovers to the point of more reasoned thought, he’ll probably be glad you didn’t change your plans. Because he too is responsible for your daughter’s happiness and emotional security.

Your daughter is 15, she can’t go alone. She only has one mother, and right now, given your husband may never fully recover, she needs to know her mother is there for her as much as you will be for your husband when you return from holiday.

I remember you previous posts. Go! you both deserve the break and try and leave the guilt at home. 💐

I'd tell them they don't need me to be the only one pushing their chair. There are other people who can push the chair, I need to have a break and push the chairs for the other people I love.

My dad’s mental illness dominated my family’s life when I was a teenager. It’s an incredibly selfish illness. Go and have a wonderful time with your daughter, she’ll remember it forever.

Absolutely go.

Please go

you tell dh you have two priorities your child and him. He is getting support and help, your child is not at the moment, and the holiday will be that support. You have already compromised by shortening it but your child needs to be put first on this occasion

If he is still in hospital, when you go away then good, if not then his family should step up and if they won’t then you need to seek respite care

I accept he is very unwell but your child will end up resenting him if he is prioritised all then time and they become forgotten and in the heat of everything that’s a very easy thing to do

When did you ask? Ysterday, last week, 2 weeks ago? When is the trip? If you haven't heard back about such a serious request surely that's a no. Or ring her?

You need to cover yourself here for your sanity and for safeguarding as he will surely be classed as vulnerable. If his family won't help ask a friend of his to check in daily or pay for someone to.

I'm not sure waiting to hear from his dm is the way forward .

Well surely that should be part of the discharge planning, as @JLou08 has fantastically responded to the usual “ooo you wouldn’t refuse to push someone in a wheelchair”. Op doesn’t have to be the only one dealing with his crisis

And how is that different from the situation I described?

I literally say a break is important but going from nothing to 10 days with no established support is a risk to DP and others. If there is no support in place, OP/DD may be recalled from holiday, or bombarded by the family/services.

It doesn’t sound like anyone reliable is established so I don’t see how op can really get the respite she and dd needs. It doesn’t sound like she can just switch off / walk away.

A heart attack and mental illness are completely incomparable and you're just being obtuse for the sake of it. A heart attack is sudden and quick and there's possibility of recovery fairly quickly. Mental illness is forever.

I had a parent with a long term MH issue, lasted from when I was 9 until I was in my 30’s. My teenage years were spent caring for my parent and were miserable. I have very few happy memories of being with my parents during that time. Please take your DD on holiday and make those memories with her, she deserves some happiness in a very difficult situation.

Wrong on both counts.