AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

[Atchooch]

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

In some ways it’s more akin to addiction than a broken leg. Broken legs heal.

Ok so I’m going to say this as kindly as possible: your husband is being manipulative. He appears to me to be using his mental health to control you and your daughter. I grew up with a father like this. Take your daughter away-she is more important tbh. I wish I had a mother like you at the time. You are awesome and your daughter will always have fond memories of your special time together.
As for your husband, he needs to try to calm down and hopefully when he’s more stable he will realise how unreasonable he’s been.

i struggle with my mental health but I would never manipulate my family in this way.

enjoy your holiday both, you have earned it.

OP, in your shoes I’d end the marriage, you cannot allow your life to be controlled by this man and his MH.
Make a life for you and your DD, you both deserve to be free and happy.

I’m not sure if I’ve understood this right, but he was a voluntary patient on a psychiatric ward when he was sectioned due to being a risk to himself? That is really full on, the level of risk, for it not to be enough protection already being a patient on a psych ward. I don’t think I would go on holidays if my husband was that unwell.
But my bias is no doubt in his favour. I was admitted onto a mother-baby unit after the birth of my first child. I think if my husband had taken my child for ten days away from me in the months after that episode we wouldn’t still be together now. Not because I would want to pay him back and teach him a lesson. But because, and I’m only just seeing this now, we only survived as a family because he went towards me in my suffering. I know it was painful for him, and those months after my discharge I don’t remember at all well. He carried so much from that time, it has impacted him ever since. I wasn’t a gentle, receptive sick person – he had to bear the brunt of my pain, confusion, paranoia, hardness. I’m so grateful and next time I see him I will give him a big hug because it’s too much to expect of one person. I’m grateful he was freely able to give me that, to give our family that.

I don’t know how that helps you really, because it sounds like you’ve decided already and I’m just laying on the guilt for the sake of making a stranger on the internet feel bad. But I’m a bit shocked by the number of posters urging you on to go away for ten days, to look after yourself and your daughter. It’s not that you shouldn’t look after yourself and her, it’s the way you’ve already separated out your and your daughter’s well-being (current and future) from your husband’s. He hasn’t been dragging you down for years, carrying on bad habits that further deteriorate his mental health, making lame threats of self harm or suicide at the first sign of you doing something for yourself. It’s been six months of intense crisis, and he isn’t out of the woods. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes for anything, so maybe you’re right to go and have a bit of joy where you can find it. But I think you should be aware of what it is that you’re choosing to do, in leaving him to go on holiday at this time.

You haven't got a fucking clue whether it will eventually lighten or not, Mystic Meg.

And OP has already indicated that he's unlikely to ever be well.

It’s difficult because even when I was reading it I thought crikey I don’t think my marriage would last if DH had a breakdown of some sort and there was no obvious way out of it long-term. Then I had to catch myself and thought but in sickness and health .. Would I feel the same if it were cancer? We still naturally don’t have the same sympathy for MH as we do physical clearly.

Anyway OP you really should go, you and DD absolutely deserve it.

Definitely go, but for your own piece of mind, you need to feel he’s safe whilst you’re away. It’s REALLY important that as his carer, you get a break and feel as supported as you can be. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Are you signed up with Carers UK or a local carers organisation for your area? Please do if not. They usually can offer advice and support specific questions to these kinds of situations.

I would then speak to his MH team. Yes you don’t have to accept him back if you aren’t able to offer him a safe space. They will always try to push for discharge because beds are in such short supply but be polite and firm. It is also in their interest for him to be properly stable before discharge otherwise he risks readmission and for you to be in a strong state to support him.

If he’s had his meds changed, they usually take a couple of weeks to start to kick in, so if you’re away for ten days, that’s quite a useful amount of time. Hopefully he will be in a better space mentally when you return. Tell him that you love him and you need to look after your own mental health and that of your daughter. That he will be safe and that he should see things differently when you return. Is his anxiety being helped with any meds?

It is essential self care. It’s a long haul so you really need this. 💐

TBF a lot of people have read OPs previous thread and it doesn't sound like you have, so there's some difference in the content people are working with.

But also, it's not shocking when you think how many of us have been the teenage daughter here. You might find it easier to get your head round if you try and think of things from her perspective. I can see a lot about the experience of the person with MH issues in your post, and some about their adult carer spouse too. You seem to have a decent insight into the situation for the partner. The section where you do that for the teenage girl is absent.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

When someone is unwell, then knock on impact is so significant and your daughter and you deserve the chance of a break and some time together.

You are not negotiating with a well person who’s making a rational decision. I suspect if your were they’d feel completely different. Having seen and lived an almost directly similar situation. Please go, Take the trip.

Op I’m bipolar. As hard as it is you anxiety do need to prioritise your daughter and yourself. I would also consider separating if things don’t improve as it’s a horrible way to live and you deserve to be happy and have a stable life. Living with this level of mental illness can be thoroughly exhausting for the poorly person but it’s also just as damaging for everybody around them.

Of course you must go, you deserve a life as well! Your poor DD has seen enough and deserves to enjoy the trip, as well as to have her mum to herself and happy too. You must also consider the future for both of you. You don’t have to stay in this situation if you don’t want to.

It's not a case of waiting a bit for him to become better/more stable. There's a limited window when a young person of that age can go on holiday - school holiday times but also exams coming so not a good time to be out of school. So they can't really wait a few months and go then - it's the summer or not at all.

A broken leg is short term with an end date. This is and has already been long term and may last forever.

Go.

You're right, I haven't read the previous threads.
And to be honest I don't think I do have decent insight into the situation for the partner / carer of someone with severe psychiatric illness. This thread has been a real wake-up call for me.

I’d go and not come back. Controlling arse.

Go. And don’t cut the holiday short! Go and do the trip you originally planned. Personally, I’d go and not ever go back. He sounds like a very selfish man who’ll drag you down forever. I don’t care if he’s ill, it’s no excuse to be so selfish. You’ve got one life, go and live it.

Take your daughter away, and know you're doing what's best for her. In the grand scheme of what you've experienced, and what might lie ahead, 10 days will have little negative impact on DH and potentially hugely positive impact on DD and your lives. You mentioned being worried about discharge. Can you speak to someone at the hospital to explain the situation?

What is so interesting and concerning here is an implicit / explicit assumption from some posters that a cared for person's needs should trump that of a carer or relative.

This underpins in my view the way society pays lip service to carers ( how about a coffee morning / chat with a support worker) whilst absolutely expecting them to sacrifice everything including their own health and sanity. So that we can continue to accept that the NHS and social care operate sub optimally.
The very idea floated by some carers that the OP is somehow responsible entirely for her husbands health and safety is just so awful. Shame on those people . In other cultures care of family members is shared which makes it possible and sustainable.

The only people who could possibly think you're being unreasonable are those who are unfamiliar with your previous threads, OP.

The rest of us are saying go go go go go go GO!!!!

I wish there was better support for you and for him. If you really feel his/your family will be judgmental rather than helpful, that's just awful. Don't let them make you feel bad. They could really be doing more to help you all.

This 100%.

You already know you should go.

I’ve been thinking of you so much. I hope things have improved.

Please go on the holiday

Family judgement without help is the worst.

Presumably these people love you, love him and your DD. Or some of you. I'd start placing some of that guilt back on them.

"So you love and care about your son. Do you not care about your granddaughter and what she's been through and had to witness?" etc etc

"If you feel so bad for him, do you not want to be part of his support network?"

"If you don't understand the trauma of what DD and I have also been through, maybe it's because you've not been here to help, and to witness it"

I remember your earlier posts. You need to go with your daughter. And you need to try and not worry too much and have an actual holiday as your DD needs and deserves it and so do you, and it's a long road ahead so you are going to need breaks now and again.