Told DP’s friend to F off

[Aprill24]

Was I wrong? DP’s mate held a house party for the England match. One of his friends approached me in the kitchen and said ‘nice legs girl. What time do they open’. I swore at him. He said he was joking. DP now saying he feels awkward. Was I OTT?

That would be the end of the relationship for me, OP. He is telling you he'll put his friends before you and expect you to go along with anything that he personally considers okay. As if you are his property. And then tell you to take it as a compliment.

Yeah, no, that wouldn't work for me. Your partner is supposed to be just that - your partner. The person who is on your side. Now you know he's not.

If one of my DP's friends said that to me my DP would have done more than tell him to fuck off. Your DP is being totally unreasonable

Wow!! My DH would have hit the roof if one of his friends ever said something like that to me or another woman!!

The friend was a dick. Your partner is spineless!! Ick.

Isn't everyone these days...

Being autistic is not an excuse for making sexually explicit comments to you mates partner/wife/girlfriend.

As for "You won't see the game with me again" - your response should be "fine by me...they're closed, you won't be getting any either!" and spend the time finding a bloke who doesn't treat you like a sex toy.

Autism isn’t responsible for this kind of comment, and if he was socially awkward he wouldn’t have said it because it would have drawn attention to himself. Even if that wasn’t the case it’s not an excuse. And I would be mightily pissed off at my DP for trying to excuse such a disgusting comment.

If any of my DP's friends were ever to have the nerve to say thiss to me, I would fully expect him to bounce them off the floor and out the door OP.
This is a vile comment, simply no excuses. Your DP needs better friends and responses or you need a better DP.

If the person who said it was autistic and therefore prone to putting his foot in it the kindest thing your partner could do for his mate is to make it 100% clear that it’s an inappropriate comment to make to anyone. What if the next time he says it to someone he gets physically assaulted, or sacked if he says it at work?

I’d be seriously questioning the relationship if my partner thought that his discomfort in having a tricky conversation trumped mine at being propositioned in such a disgusting way.

Tell him that his "friend" should take it as a compliment that you told him to fuck off rather than kick him in the balls.

A lively atmosphere is no excuse for naked misogyny. And does he not realise he’s enabling his friend’s behaviour by not pulling him up on it ? He’s putting his mates before you and he doesn’t have your back. What else won’t he have your back for ? Are you married - do you have any commitments you can’t easily untangle from ? Because I’d be rethinking the whole relationship.

This. If he doesn’t pull the bloke up on his behaviour, then at the very least he’s enabling it.

it doesn't matter if he 'never meant any offence'. It WAS offensive, and anyone who doesn't fundamentally believe women are sub-human fuck-toys (and even those who do) understands that.

In the incredibly unlikely event that they don't, THEY NEED TO BE TAUGHT.

That remark is waaaay beyond "socially awkward"

So his friend's company is more important to him than yours? That tells you everything you need to know.

OP, it's pretty clear that your partner considers his friends and the get togethers more important than you. What you do with that knowledge is up to you.

Personally I'd be telling your partner to also fuck off but I know that it isn't that easy if you have children together.

That’s revolting. Your dh needs better friends

Nice legs is a compliment although still a little inappropriate the rest is offensive. If DP thinks the whole lot is a compliment is this how he goes around complimenting other women?

I'd have chinned him.

Imagine this DP and group of friends in the pub or on a stag do in Magaluf..,, pissed, offensive, probably all Reform voters.

Just yuck

Gross

Ah yes. 'The Lads'. Just an excuse to be sexist and misogynistic without consequences.

What a load of bollocks.

He might want to step up the socially awkward and just keep his mouth shut altogether.

The pair of them need to fuck off.

I would go to the next one and just tell him straight what you think of him and hisd disgusting comment. I'd say "DP says I should forgive you because you're autistic and clumsy with words, but what you said was not clumsy, it was just plain rude, out of order and made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I'm only here because I want to enjoy the match, but if you say or do anything like that to me again, or if I hear you talk like that to another woman, I will come down on you like a tonne of bricks. Autism is not an excuse to be a complete misogynist dick.".

Even if it were his autism, people pussy footing around him about his clumsy words won't do him any favours. He needs a clear message from someone that it's not OK. I mean that should have come from your partner since it's his mate, but hey ho.

My adult autistic son would never say that to someone

@Aprill24 Let me translate (sharing this thread to your partner may help):

He doesn’t appear to want to say anything further to his friend.

Your values fundamentally differ and he doesn’t have enough respect for women or understanding of misogyny to want to bother with this.

He says it was always going to be a lively atmosphere with the ‘lads’ getting together for the football and drink involved.

It was always going to be a hostile environment where misogynistic comments were welcome and minimised as jokes and any women in attendance would be there on sufferance on the understanding that they put up and shut up. (‘The lads’ - FML 🙄)

He said if it was any other friend he wouldn’t stand for it, but he can’t blame him too much because of his condition and he is prone to putting his foot in it.

His standards are too low and he isn’t brave enough to speak to this friend about it. If the friend struggles a lot socially because of a diagnosed condition, then not only is he letting you down but he’s letting his friend down by not making it clear how totally unacceptable this is.

He said he understands if I don’t want to see him again, but that means I won’t see other games with DP as they always get together as a ritual.

He says he’s happy for you not to see this friend again as, to be honest, it would be less hassle for him, but be under no illusions that he will prioritise this friend and group over you leaving you alone for future matches.