Told DP’s friend to F off

[Aprill24]

Was I wrong? DP’s mate held a house party for the England match. One of his friends approached me in the kitchen and said ‘nice legs girl. What time do they open’. I swore at him. He said he was joking. DP now saying he feels awkward. Was I OTT?

@Aprill24 do you live together? If not I'd be cooling this relationship. He's so disrespectful saying it's a compliment. I hope you never have or had dds with him?

I think as it’s over two decades ago it was a different time and to be fair to Peter Kay, Max and Paddy were portrayed as a pair of right idiots without a brain cell between them.
I enjoyed it at the time and tried to watch it again recently and it hasn’t aged well.
But to be in a family home and have this said by your partner’s friend….
We are asking ‘good men’ to stand up to
poor behaviour from other men. If one can’t even stand up to his own friend, he won’t take on a stranger.
It’s really awful.

I'd be telling him he needs to tell his mate that's not appropriate if he wants to stay married. The 'lads' need to show some fucking respect to you. You'd have been quite within your rights to tell him to gtfo of your house.

Being autistic isn’t an excuse for disgusting behaviour. Your partner sounds vile as well and he’d know it too!

How convenient that it wasn’t “any other friend” so you can’t actually see if he would stand up for you. Odds are he’d have said that regardless of which friend had made the comment, and would have had an excuse or reason for him saying it too.

Out of curiosity, has he mentioned before that those friend is autistic or was this the first you’d heard of it?

How long have the two of you been together? I’d be reconsidering the relationship in your shoes, as he has made it very clear where you are in his priorities - given the choice between spending time with you or this friend, he’s told you he’ll pick the friend. Whilst it’s fine for him to have friends and spend time with them, the fact he’s decided that one who makes inappropriate sexual comments to his partner is someone he’d rather spend time with than his actual partner would make me think he’s not the one for me.

If it’s a long term relationship and you don’t want to end things over this, I might just tell him the legs are permanently closed until you receive a GENUINE apology from his mate, and that you hear your DP standing up for you with him (I.e. make sure he doesn’t just go to his mate and say “do me a favour and apologise to my missus so I can get laid” or similar).

my dh would be pretty annoyed if one of his friends spoke to me like that and he isn't easily fazed. you definitely were not being unreasonable.

Where has OP said she’s married? She calls him DP not DH.

Not being unreasonable at all. DP should have stuck up for you. I would not be allowing that person back in my house again and agree no excuse

Funny how these men are never "autistic and socially awkward" with other men.

Good on you OP.

These men shouldn't be allowed out in public if they don't know how to behave.

I am sorry you had to go through that, it was inexcusable. I am pretty sure that none of my mates or myself would have ever dreamed of saying that to a girl/woman, you were correct to tell him to FO. I also think your husband should have asked/told him to leave the house immediately.

He always puts his foot in it?
Ahh so hes one of those that has to learn the hard way? 🙄
FAFO. He's lucky he didn't get a slap. Cheeky tit. 😡

That fella owes you an apology, as he was disrespectful to you in your own home.
Tell him to save the vile banter for the lads, and he can leave his shit jokes for you elsewhere. 🖕
Your hubby should back you up. Is he scared of this fella?
If this guy has form for this, then his mates need to correct him, or he may one-day say it to the wrong person and get a punch on the nose. 🥊
@Aprill24

Someone saying that to you gives you permission to say LITERALLLY ANYTHING back. In what way is telling someone to f off more socially awkward than discussing your mates partners vagina/access to said vagina. Dp needs to give his head a wobble. Even if "it was banter" then "yes, so was eff off you C". It's totally open season once something so offensive has been said, whether he was joking/bantering whatever, I can't really think of anything more offensive or gross that you could say in return (maybe some kind of slur that I can't even think of right now based on racism/abilism, but no swear word is too offensive for that level of misogynistic and objectifying comment).

if one of DP's friends, or extended friends, said that to me, he would quite happily stop being friends with that person.
Of course, I say that, but I can only assume it because quite honestly, dh has no friends who would ever behave that way. which is one of the reasons I love him - he chooses the people he spends time with carefully.

How awful. Your DP needs to stand up for you.

I'm autistic and sometimes I'm awkward and say what people perceive as odd things. However I've always been aware of the societal rules of what is considered sexist or racist so wouldn't put my foot in it like that. So I don't think him being austistic is a valid excuse for being misogynistic and sexually harrassing you and even if it was he would still need educating (like you did by responding in an offended way) so as not to be that inappropriate again.

Oh ffs. Socially awkward my arse. It's a ridiculous excuse. His 'friend' demonstrated a serious lack of respect. Your partner needs to man up or ship out.

Fair to say your husband will attend said house party's again, I suspect you won’t. Down to you how you would feel in that situation.

Omg. Just yuk. Your response was appropriate. If someone said that to me, my DH would have thrown him out of the house. I think your DP is likely just not wanting to confront things. Easier to put his head in the sand and minimise. But I think lines have to drawn about what is acceptable and his friends comment absolutely wasn’t not just because it was directed at you but because it is offensive. Your DP needs to grow up. Sometimes you have address something that might feel hard and deal with it.

I agree with other posters that this “banter” includes DP when you aren’t around. The excuse of ASD, lads, football and alcohol is a load of crap. The twat had been emboldened by the culture of the group which is misogynistic.

I would tell DP if he cannot see how offensive this is and also not want to be part of it, it’s the end.

Him saying this was the only friend he wouldn't take to task about this because of his 'condition', or whatever word he used, is rubbish: he'd expect you to take it from any of his mates.

He obviously values his friends more than you. Do you feel safe with him, would he protect you if the situation demanded it or would he gang up with other men to your detriment?

Get rid of him.

Well, surely if they're "being lively" they can cope with being told to fuck off.

It's not up to your DP to "stand for it", it was fine for you to deal with it yourself, and he will just have to lump his awkwardness - his friend made you feel awkward too, do you matter less? He needs to deal with his own unreasonable feelings about the exchange, it's not your problem.

I would have said actually I think your friend is hot stuff and I'm going to have sex with him.
(Purely to see how he responded, of course)

He us lucky you didn't thump him. Crude.

Good for you OP, DH's friend sounds like a real twat.

How was the OP "totally in the wrong"?

This man will never have your back