AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Just looking for some advice on how to get over mourning the life I feel I should have had.

For context, I had an awful childhood, including an alcoholic abusive father who died when I was young, and an emotionally unavailable mother who liked to throw material things at me to make up for it. I was bullied all my life including in first jobs, I suspect due to being autistic which I didn’t know until I was 35. Despite all of this I was the classic overachiever, identified for a glittering career from when I was a small child (suggestions as far back as primary school included a brain surgeon or the prime minister 😂)

But sadly an abusive relationship in my 20s and significant mental health issues due to life events put paid to that. I’m 40 now, I have an NHS middle management role, my own home, nice holidays etc but I put in an incredible amount of hours over two jobs to be able to afford it. Single after a string of failed relationships, no kids. I just feel like I’ve missed the boat in terms of potential…

I’m on holiday at the moment in a fairly upmarket resort and spent the evening a few nights ago talking/drinking with a group in their late 20s who all worked in the city, flats in Chelsea, etc. Oxbridge educated (I have a degree and masters from an RG uni but I could have gotten into either of them). I just now look back and think - I could have done that - but my circumstances held me back, I wanted to do a grad scheme and move to London but my ex held me back and I got a mortgage instead.

I know it’s too late to change it all now - I don’t have the transferable skills and certainly couldn’t afford more than a house share in the south (and that’s impossible for me to do). I know comparison is the thief of joy but I could just do with some advice on how to get over it. I just feel like I’ve missed out so much
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Totes ok to grieve for it, but you need to set yourself a time limit on that and move forward. You’re 40 not 80 - you hsve a level of stability, you have no dependents. You are free to storyboard the life you want and work towards it. You can’t have the time that’s gone, of course, but you can have a brighter future. Build it for yourself, don’t get involved with anyone else until you have made yourself proud of you. Do an actual board of your dreams and start to work out how to make it happen.

@OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends my sisters and I experienced similar - only when the suicide threats didn’t work, the parent would substitute their wrist for one of my siblings’. There there was the time my step dad insist that I take note what happens to women who behave like whores and proceeded to beat up and rape my mother. I was 8.

Then there was a cousin who witnessed their Iranian grandfather being stabbed by 3 white youths in N London.

Or the neighbour’s who watched not only one son die of a brain-tumour, but the next develop non Hodgson’s Lymphoma, while the mother herself dealt with both her and her sister’s brain cancer diagnosis and mastectomy?

Honestly - however bad you think your life has been, there are LOTS of people who have had similarly harrowing experiences. And worse.

Life can be a bit shit. You can choose to buckle under it, or you get up fighting. It’s the human condition, I’m afraid.

But then I guess this is MN where you absolutely can’t complain about your father dying when you were a teen because someone will come along and say well THEIR father died before they were even conceived so I should count myself lucky 🙄

Honestly, I don’t think you want advice. And I’m saying that with kindness. You’re determined to refute every suggestion made here, and you’re creating your own narrative from a lot of the posts.

You're asking for something you can’t have - you’re wishing for a life you’ll never have, and you need to seek some professional support to help you overcome that, accepting your past (which doesn’t mean being grateful for it) and identifying how you can appreciate the things you do have in your life.

But sadly Op you can't do that trade.

And in direct answer to your question "how do I stop feeling like this?" I would say you stop feeling like it by focusing on the things you CAN change. That is the only real answer because focusing on what you cannot change will lead to ... well, the fact you cannot change it.

You have scope to change things beyond the scope many people have. You are free to put your needs first, devoid of any responsibilities beyond that. You also have intelligence. You are already leagues ahead of many 40 year olds in terms of possibility just on those two, single facts.

I want advice about changing my mindset because I can’t change my circumstances. I’ve been very very clear about that.

I’ve said over and over again that I’m lucky for certain things. But what I don’t appreciate is people coming here to imply that what I have had to go through wasn’t shit ‘because people don’t have clean water’

do you see me jump onto posts about cheating husbands and say oh well I never married so… no you don’t!

I don't want to try and take this over but this resonated with me.

Parents split very young, was clearly unwanted by father with alcohol issues as a young child, my mother was unemployed most my life and there were with food, heating, showering etc because benefits were being spent inappropriately. I can also recall briefly carrying a knife in home for self defence, pointless arguments about absolutely nothing and wanting to take my own life a lot.

I presume this resulted in social skills being really poorly developed and I got picked on a lot, I also had behavioural issues at school and was suspended a lot/got mediocre grades. It was only at A-level when I started getting a bit more confidence in myself and finished with all A* grades which was by far the best at the school but I never had the confidence to apply to any top unis and when I was at uni while I did very well academically I was too much of a wreck to get anything out of it.

I'm now in my late twenties, earn £800k or so from own business, have normal social skills, friends, hobbies etc and even now when childhood/uni comes up I feel really bitter despite doing really well now. Like my childhood and education was just stolen away from me and there's never a second chance plus of course I don't have any close family now.

No one is saying that at all - but you are the one playing the ‘I’ve had it harder than anyone else card’, by which you are being dismissive and insensitive to everyone else. We are just saying that sad as that is, as awful as many of our life experiences are, we all move on. And that envying other people and longing for a fantasy life that you think those other people have is a pointless exercise. Because they don’t have that life any more than you do.

Of course you can grieve.

But you didn't come asking about grief - and I think maybe that is what you are really wanting to ask, which is fine.

You came asking how to stop feeling like this, and quite a few of us are genuinely trying to help.

If I told you the contents of the email my mentally ill, (absent for all but the first eight years of my life) father sent me in his last communication to me you would have a sharp intake of breath. I’ve only ever told three people. I cried for three days. I never was able to speak to him again.

My step-father went to a top public school and ended up in prison.

I moved out due to the above a-hole of step father into a bedsit at 18.

i have not let one of these things define me. Many people here have had horrific things happen and have not let it define them.

Your experiences are not much worse than some of these here, some would say better, but the difference is that you cannot separate yourself from your early years. You need professional therapy.

judging your entire worth by some rich people you let on holiday who are in the easy stage of life and some fortunate friends is just a recipe to make yourself really unhappy.

I want advice about changing my mindset because I can’t change my circumstances. I’ve been very very clear about that.

And many posters have urged you to get therapy.

You aren't in the best place for kind advice, AIBU will give you tough love at best and sheer nastiness at worst.

You can't change the past. Don't compare yourself to others, you don't know what crap they've got going on behind the scenes.
Could you identify one thing that you would like to improve for the future and maybe build on that, rather that trying for a whole life style change? I usually raise an eyebrow at so called life coaches, but maybe someone like that might be helpful rather than therapy, or there are career advice coaches.

Also OP it's unfair, no doubt about it and I'm sorry you went through that. People will say all sorts of nonsense like everyone has problems, struggles etc and it shouldn't hold you back but in reality it seems so rare for anyone to do well from upbringing like yours.

I barely ever see it being surrounded by privileged by people, although of course not everything is as it seems with really high achievers but stuff like married parents, grammar school, encouragement etc is definitely the norm and people have their own set of issues.

Ok I’m a fucking unreasonable bitch because all your friends and relatives died as children before you were even born and you’re all horrendously disabled with 483958 kids who are also terminally ill and all your husbands have cheated on you every single day since you’ve been married.

Mumsnet is a fucking cesspit

Thank you for finally seeing what I was really asking for

I want advice about changing my mindset because I can’t change my circumstances. I’ve been very very clear about that.

The circumstances you can't change at all are the ones that have happened. The current circumstances you can most likely change a bit, and the future quite a lot.

Why don't you give us specifics of what you want to change. Just being 20 years younger and rich and fortunate isn't really a very realistic or well-drawn goal. What deep down is it you hanker for?

40 is still really young. You can retrain, meet a new partner and have many years together. I’m sure you have loads of transferable skills.
im in my mid 50s and I’ve def made stupid decisions along the way and came to regret them, but we have to get on with the life we have and make the best of it (and I’m really not an optimist, I’ve had a lot of health issues in the past two years but what’s the alternative really?).

Everyone is being kind and supportive, but trying to give you much needed perspective. If you just want an echo chamber there is always chatGPT.

It all hinges on acceptance. Accept the fact the you had the upbringing you had. It wasn't right or fair but it's happened. No one ever gets a do-over in life and no one can change the past as much as one might like to. What you can control is today and the choices you make in the future. Find something else to focus on. Friends, career, hobbies, sport, nature.
It won't happen overnight and it sounds contrite when you're in a pit of despair but it really does help to be grateful for the things you do have. Even if it's just a decent cup of coffee or the sound of bird song. Eventually your brain will refocus on the good in life. I've had similar experiences to you and I'm in a better place mentally now by focusing on the small joys in life. I typed my experience in my previous comment but not got the energy to rehash it now.

Start making little positive changes in your life and little achievements and you can feel proud of something that you worked towards.

Are you on antidepressants? I found they help me find an even keel emotionally and mentally, and I can cope with life's challenges better. Without them I fall straight into doom and gloom. I've accepted that they are part of my medical needs now. I know they're not for everyone, just thought I'd mention it.

Fwiw you sound like you had a tough start in life but have made the most of what you could. On paper your current life sounds good but I'm sorry that you're feeling the way you are. I do hope things get better for you.

You are not a bitch; you are just not helping yourself.

I actually think OP you are in the hurting stage, and maybe, if this is bubbling to the surface, it is because you are getting ready to deal with the past. Many, many people don't really deal with it for a long time. Do you feel as though that is what this anger is?

Every single person on planet earth has a “my life could have been so different if it hadn’t been for __ “

Whether its abusive partner, terrible parents, physical health issues, mental health issues, economic barriers, care responsibilities, lack of ability, late ND diagnosis…

Not to minimise your feelings but really we can all find a reason if we’re looking for it. At the end of the day they are alll totally irrelevant, life just happens. Think about why you’re dwelling on this, sounds like you’ve got a perfectly good life that most people would be content with.

Yeah I don't really know why people are like this on here (or real life).

Maybe people are jealous you have still done well in life. I expect I will get flak for being a very high earner and moaning about my situation, but I'd still do anything for another chance at life with average parents and to see what my life really could have been like and can absolutely relate.

It's unfair, you did nothing to deserve it but unfortunately there's nothing with can really be done.

OP, depression is in the past, anxiety is in the future. You probably know this if you've had a lot of therapy.

I'm sorry so many people are judging you so badly. I don't judge you and I can understand the wishful thinking for a life you could have had.

Have you ever had any life coaching? Or any self-esteem coaching? There's a great book called I woke up worthy on Amazon. It's a work book and you have to write in answers to help you find ways to value yourself better. maybe it might help.

Unfortunately we can't change the past. maybe that's what posters are trying to say. Of course we'd all have loved more stable, happier childhoods, I know I would have.

But it's just life. So we have to think about what we can do in the future to make changes and yes I think you're right, it's about accepting what we have, rather than fighting against the wish for things to be have been and be different. That takes a shift and perhaps professional help might help you get there.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Take heart and know that life can change, often when you least expect it. It sounds like you've had a really hard time. But you're still young and things will change. It won't always be like this.

I’ve read the whole thread, there is very little judgment and the most positive mumsnet posting I’ve ever seen.

What? A lack of hope?
OP I am glad you feel the company of someone who is feeling in the same boat - which is a comfort of sorts - but the value of objectivity is to help you see a different perspective.

You have a lot going for you.

Your past, quite honestly, was indeed pretty shit. But it is that: the past has passed.

Now looks much better if you could only but see it without being cross with everyone.