AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Just looking for some advice on how to get over mourning the life I feel I should have had.

For context, I had an awful childhood, including an alcoholic abusive father who died when I was young, and an emotionally unavailable mother who liked to throw material things at me to make up for it. I was bullied all my life including in first jobs, I suspect due to being autistic which I didn’t know until I was 35. Despite all of this I was the classic overachiever, identified for a glittering career from when I was a small child (suggestions as far back as primary school included a brain surgeon or the prime minister 😂)

But sadly an abusive relationship in my 20s and significant mental health issues due to life events put paid to that. I’m 40 now, I have an NHS middle management role, my own home, nice holidays etc but I put in an incredible amount of hours over two jobs to be able to afford it. Single after a string of failed relationships, no kids. I just feel like I’ve missed the boat in terms of potential…

I’m on holiday at the moment in a fairly upmarket resort and spent the evening a few nights ago talking/drinking with a group in their late 20s who all worked in the city, flats in Chelsea, etc. Oxbridge educated (I have a degree and masters from an RG uni but I could have gotten into either of them). I just now look back and think - I could have done that - but my circumstances held me back, I wanted to do a grad scheme and move to London but my ex held me back and I got a mortgage instead.

I know it’s too late to change it all now - I don’t have the transferable skills and certainly couldn’t afford more than a house share in the south (and that’s impossible for me to do). I know comparison is the thief of joy but I could just do with some advice on how to get over it. I just feel like I’ve missed out so much
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I think at the age of 40, it’s time to stop looking back and start looking forward. You potentially have more years ahead than behind, how can you make them count.

i had lots of potential, but a lack of opportunities and a poor step-dad situation meant I left home early and lived half my life on the back foot. My dad left when I was very young and lived abroad. I saw him 4 times since the age of 10. I grew up poor and I too was bullied, but it made me stronger and I stayed away from shitty men.

where you are might be in part to things outside of your control, but where you go now you have as much control as you could: but the very last thing you should be doing is comparing yourself to 1/1000 people whose parents pay for private schools and a flat in London.

Thats all you are doing wrong. You’re fine otherwise, untap any potential you may have. Hobbies, exercise whatever. No one has a perfect life, you just have to make the best of what you have.

By the way the most miserable people I know where handed everything and their whole lives since have been a crushing disappointment. I would not swap places for all the world.

My birth mum was a heroin addict and I was born three months prematurely as a result, weaned off heroin weighing the same as a bag of sugar at 2lb. I had the last NICU bed at King's College hospital, and I often think of the alternatives if I'd not got it

My life was a fight literally from the start, so i was extremely fortunate to be adopted by ny amazing parents. I had a privileged and happy upbringing.

I've been so lucky and it could quite easily have been so much worse. I was fortunate to "only" have high frequency hearing loss as a result of my prematurity, so my health problems now from a head injury (see upthread) make me feel grateful for the years of good health I had.

Often, we need to try and find the good in the awful situations, even the ones we think are terrible.

Sounds to me like you have done really well actually @OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends
I have - on paper - an epic education.. yet I have hardly any career at all 😂
Own a cheap house. Have a nice lifestyle but not because I necessarily ‘earn’ it but because DH earns well and I do a huge amount of up cycling of everything. Even my pets are rescue 😂 and I don’t spend frivolously. Honestly I think you are massively underestimating what you’ve achieved despite crappy circumstances.
be kinder to yourself! You might have done the things you’ve mentioned, and had a breakdown/drug issue/ met a wanker / had four kids and had health issues in family or disability / had an accident etc etc - you just don’t know what would have been. But you are comfortable, enjoying life. Take the win! Xo

Not to late to start over again!
I left my abusive relationship at 41 (after nearly 20 years of hell). Thought life was over and that I'd missed my chance if a family etc. He also stifled my career and prevented progression. I wanted to retrain in law or finance but he refused to support me through this so I prodded along to appease him.
Had to start again financially and pay him off with buying him out of the house. Was going to be mortgage free at 45 but now I'll have to wait until im 63 for that to happen....
Anyway, random chance of events I met my now husband age 42 and had our baby at 43!
Yes I'll have to work bloody hard until I'm about 70 but im so lucky how life has given me a second chance.

Nah. Life’s always greener on the other side. RG and oxbridge educated couple here, DH has a 7figure salary, I’m completing a PhD. Lux flat in London, 7 bed surrey mansion etc. You get the picture. But both our kids are AuDHD and the eldest has significant comorbid issues that have led to suicidal ideation, self harming and we fear she may never live independently - or live to see her 30th birthday really. Every landmark birthday is a sigh of relief and a continuation of the stress and fear.. We have spent much of the past 10 years in tears, therapy and on medication trying to navigate this. We’d exchange every single penny, every asset for a happy well-balanced child. The money means we can plan for her future, especially after we’re gone, and hopefully protect our youngest from the burden of her care - or the guilt of living their life fully - but would we swap what we have for the shitty council flat I grew up in, free school meals, and a happy healthy child?

In a heartbeat.

Thing is, nearly every person we know who seems to have ‘made it’ carries a shit load of baggage not unlike us. Behind those gilded front doors there are harrowing stories that money and success don’t compensate for. It is easy to envy, rather than appreciate exactly what you have right now.

Can recommend doing the 3 gifts exercise daily - it helps you focus on what is positive in your life right now, rather than yearning for a fantasy life you think you might have had. Because it is a fantasy. Most people’s life are at best a bit mundane and, at worst, a minefield.

Thing is, you are mourning an entirely fictitious life that you could have had. You might have been encouraged to apply to Oxbridge. But that doesn't mean you would have definitely got in. If you had, you might not have done well in that environment. Say you came out with a first. That still doesn't mean you would have been successful. Life still happens. Bad luck. Bad choices. Some you can control; some you can't. But at this stage, you need to try and move on from the past and try and focus on the present and things that make you happy. Especially if you are adamant there is absolutely nothing you can do to improve you current situation or your future.

You talk as if life is over but you are only 40!
Nothing is holding you back.
I also have a late autism diagnosis and am late sixties now. Every single decade got progressively better than the previous one, although I think I've peaked now!

Why on earth do you think you've seen the best of it at 40?
I only got married at 53 for goodness' sake. Single mother at 43. I could go on but you get the drift.

Take a fresh look at it and aim for whatever it is you decide you want.

I know this is going to sound dismissive, and without any wish to diminish the awful experiences you had as a child, I’d say the majority of people could have had a better life than the one they ended up living had their circumstances been more favourable. People who have untapped potential or talents they could not fully develop due to being from working class backgrounds, having families to care for, etc. There’s a reason why some professions and universities are full of people from advantaged backgrounds. You could drive yourself mad thinking about this all the time, or pride yourself on being so smart, successful and brilliant despite your earlier life - many people who haven’t had half of the challenges you’ve had, would love to achieve as much as you have. You’re not alone, is what I’m trying to say, you’ve overcome a lot and achieved so much to be proud of.

I’m sorry but this is so incredibly ignorant.

You live in England and have access to clean water and food. Most people in the world are struggling for both these things.

I’m a victim of CSA by my adopted father after being removed from my homeless addict parents care and separated from my siblings.

You know what? Every single person I know has an awful heartbreaking story. Everyone.

And if we’re lucky enough to be born in the developed world we are already luckier than most.

You are still alive and you can still change your life to a life you are content with.

I’ve been unluckier than some, and luckier than most.

My life at 48 though? It’s pretty darn amazing. Wouldn’t change it for the world.

Could not agree more with much of this post.

It is easy to envy aspects of people's lives and imagine they have everything easy, yet if you really saw those lives unveiled, warts and all, it is much less likely you would step into any of those lives wholesale - leaving behind what you love from your own. No-one has a perfect life, but it's the bits we treasure that make them ours.

It’s not a competition. There are many many things I have missed out from my experiences. However to call me ignorant is pretty shitty really, especially when you of all people should have some sort of empathy. And no, most people do not come from the type of life I’ve had. Not at all

and please stop with the hyperbole that most people in the world don’t have food or water. You’re the one making ignorant statements now

and please stop with the hyperbole that most people in the world don’t have food or water.

Actually I think it is one in four, so you are right, not most, but still a large percentage, and if you add in your luck with intelligence, health etc, I'd put you firmly in the lucky half.

Yes. I could feel the same. But is it worth it? I have a lovely life with gorgeous children.

I'm a chronic underachiever (turns out due to ADHD and overly cautious parents) with a high IQ - mum made me join Mensa so she could tell her friends. Played an instrument to a very high level. But to many I have achieved a lot. Got to Oxbridge for my PG. Whoop whoop.

Not worth stressing about. I have 4 gorgeous well balanced adult children, a loving husband and enough financial security for me to have a decent quality of life. I'm very very lucky. Enjoy what you have.

If it’s any consolation I think you’ve done better than me OP 😂

😂💜

Except that by comparing yourself to others, as in your first post, you have made it a competition? Between what you think they have and what you think you could have had?

And I am afraid you are being naive if you think other people have not had the issues you had in your childhood. Mine was pretty harrowing, as was my half siblings. We’re all autistic with side helping of ADHD, dyslexia, EuPD etc. Many people I meet have had similar or even worse starts, so I know I am not special.

I’m sorry to say that many many people have shitty starts in life and go on to be what you and others perceive as ‘successful’, just as people who have had golden childhoods can just as easily fail to achieve anything significant.

People are different. We play the hand we’re dealt. No point longing for the cards you THINK other people are holding, as many are bluffing and you are simply falling for it.

What you’re feeling has a name that’s very close to your post’s title. Grieving the unlived life is a recognised psychological experience, particularly common in people who had a difficult start or a relationship that derailed them. The reason all that therapy hasn’t shifted this feeling could be that sometimes this grief doesn’t respond to being understood or reframed. It’s based on something genuinely true. The path was there. It was taken from you.

What it does respond to is being carried differently, meaning it stops running your life and starts sitting alongside it instead. Reading everything you’ve written, you’ve actually been doing that your whole life already. What might be different now is that things are finally stable enough to ask what you actually want, rather than just getting through. That’s a harder question than it sounds, but a better one than mourning what’s behind you.

If you haven’t tried Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, it’s worth looking into. Unlike CBT it doesn’t try to challenge painful thoughts, which feels fake when those thoughts are actually accurate. It builds flexibility around the grief rather than trying to fix it.

Your hysterectomy was only last year. Surgical menopause can quietly affect mood and how you process the past even when it feels well managed. Worth a mention to whoever looks after that.

On work, being the competent one in an incompetent team leads nowhere good. It might be worth discussing that directly to your manager rather than just absorbing it.

I don’t think you have missed the boat. You’ve spent most of your life just trying to get to the harbour.

@OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends - "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” (Robin Williams)

Of course other people have, adverse childhood experiences are sadly hugely common. You're not doing yourself any favours to think you have had it worse than most, and that 'if only if only' you'd have gone on to achieve XYZ. All that does is disempower you, and keep you feeling better than others but hard done by.

Op you are getting quite a hard time and I would say that you are not unreasonable in the sense it is normal to wonder what if, and also completely normal to think sometimes "wouldn't that be nice."

But that, in another guise, is called dreaming and the whole point of dreaming is to try to make positive improvements. I think the feelings are not "wrong" but your reaction to them is bogging you down in a funk. There is a sense of "it's all ruined now" and ... it really isn't.

Try first to think of one thing - one tiny, perfectly possible thing - you would like to have or do that you have never had or done. Then this weekend go and just have it or do it. Then build from there.

It’s easy to look back and think about how life could’ve been different. None of us know how life could’ve been for us if we only made different decisions. You’ve done so well to get to where you are in life despite your previous circumstances and traumas you have experienced. I’d strongly recommend having some therapy, I really think you would benefit from it and it will help you not only process the past, but help you understand who you are so you can move forward confidently into the future, knowing that the decisions you make are made from a place of knowing and understanding yourself rather than from fear. Wishing you the best of luck.

Except in my circle of friends and family I HAVE had it worse. I’ve never said other people don’t have similar experiences, but in terms of people I know, I really really have had it worse

It’s easy to look back and think about how life could’ve been different. None of us know how life could’ve been for us if we only made different decisions.

This is true. It is so easy to imagine that had you gone to Oxbridge, you would have shone academically and stepped into a glittering career. But you might nave been like the not inconsiderable number who get in, but struggle, academically, mentally and even socially. Or you might have flown through, got the high-pressured job and, in a sleep-deprived state after working late to impress your new boss by showing how much you deserved it, stepped in front of the proverbial bus.

You can't compare reality with fantasy. It isn't a level playing field.

Life's short you have to do what makes you happy. If that's doing a course and changing careers at middle age you take that risk. I've always wanted to be a journalist (I loved writing).I've been looking at nctj courses this evening.

Half my 20s and all of my 30s were spent in an abusive relationship. Whilst others at uni were out having fun and making friends I was living on egg shells wondering what he'd do next. He took over my life, he moved into my room in halls, I never had a night without him. I turned down a date with a rather hot guy who probably would have been perfect for me (I regret that the most) but I made the choice I did.

I started again at 40, too messed up for a relationship at the time, then too old for children when life became good.

Our past makes us who we are today, our future is yet to be written and so can be changed.

Well meet some new people.