AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Just looking for some advice on how to get over mourning the life I feel I should have had.

For context, I had an awful childhood, including an alcoholic abusive father who died when I was young, and an emotionally unavailable mother who liked to throw material things at me to make up for it. I was bullied all my life including in first jobs, I suspect due to being autistic which I didn’t know until I was 35. Despite all of this I was the classic overachiever, identified for a glittering career from when I was a small child (suggestions as far back as primary school included a brain surgeon or the prime minister 😂)

But sadly an abusive relationship in my 20s and significant mental health issues due to life events put paid to that. I’m 40 now, I have an NHS middle management role, my own home, nice holidays etc but I put in an incredible amount of hours over two jobs to be able to afford it. Single after a string of failed relationships, no kids. I just feel like I’ve missed the boat in terms of potential…

I’m on holiday at the moment in a fairly upmarket resort and spent the evening a few nights ago talking/drinking with a group in their late 20s who all worked in the city, flats in Chelsea, etc. Oxbridge educated (I have a degree and masters from an RG uni but I could have gotten into either of them). I just now look back and think - I could have done that - but my circumstances held me back, I wanted to do a grad scheme and move to London but my ex held me back and I got a mortgage instead.

I know it’s too late to change it all now - I don’t have the transferable skills and certainly couldn’t afford more than a house share in the south (and that’s impossible for me to do). I know comparison is the thief of joy but I could just do with some advice on how to get over it. I just feel like I’ve missed out so much
.

His is confusing me. You’re asking for advice and getting lots, but the self pity is not serving you. Everyone here thinks that you had bad breaks, but you are being told people had worse and you are
dismissing this, because they aren’t you.

If you approach everything like this, no one can help or advise you. You are not listening.

We’ve had a report today where 250,000 girls have been horrifically abused. Lots of these are now adults who wish they had your problems. Life is about perspective and self pity is the most unhelpful thing you can do.

Honestly,stop looking at your cup as half empty and look at it as half full,I understand your childhood was hard but look at how far you have came from then,look at all you've achieved! And just be proud of your self and allow yourself to be happy!
I too had a awful childhood class A drug addict father and alcoholic mother! I am a 30 year old now and a stay at home Mother of 5 and im dam proud of the person I am today with the little I had as a child. My cup will be forever half full just for getting away from that situation.

YANBU on one hand, you’ve overcome abuse- awful childhood abuse, but that abuse no doubt hampered your future. You’ve worked so hard, you should be proud of your achievements. You are still young, could you study now? Change jobs? Are you happy generally?
Your life could easily have taken a much darker turn OP and not just if you’d turned to drink/drugs, but there’s burn out and stress too. Enjoy the life you’ve made for yourself!

Nah sorry, I’m out.

I’ve overcome an abusive childhood, a lifetime of bullying, a suicidal parent who then died, a serious accident which left me disfigured for life, a lifetime of my own mental health problems which saw me suicidal from the age of 5, a relationship where I was physically emotionally and sexually abused included repeated rapes but I’m not allowed to ask for advice because some people have it so much worse?

you can bet your life that literally nobody in my circle has been through that. Because you all seem to think it’s so common when it’s absolutely not

fuck this shit

Sounds very much like gifted child syndrome. I don't think society is very fair at all to the kind of neurodivergent girls who are precocious in their academic development and generally thrive in a classroom. They get told they are very special and will change the world, but the reality is they often struggle in adulthood because either they didn't really need to learn good study habits and self discipline, or they burn out, or difficulties with social skills become a barrier to building a life and to professional advancement. And while they were well ahead of the game academically as a kid, other people do catch up over time, so their unique thing becomes less so.

The problem is if you've grown up being told you're special, it messes with your self perception and can lead to the kind of regrets you're describing. I've been through this myself and it's taken me decades to get to the point of really accepting that I'm just normal - cleverer than average maybe but with all kinds of weaknesses as well as strengths - and I'll probably never achieve particular greatness. It's ok. Hardly anyone does, and it's fine to be a small part of the greater whole. Like, every ant in the colony is important, and forms an integral part of a wider ecosystem, even if they go about their days mostly completely unnoticed? I think there's beauty in that too.

You made it a competition, not me.

You’re right. 1 in 4 people do not have access to clean drinking water and food. One in four. That is bonkers to me. Utterly tragic,

I’ve lived in one of those countries for a short time and it is eye opening. I think it would do us so much good to all get that opportunity.

And that’s not even taking into account wars, child sex trafficking, slavery and all other abysmal things happening in different places.

It sounds like rather than look at the advantages you have had, and the things you have accomplished, you’re picking away at your life.

I went to a walk with a friend who had lost her dad a few months before . She saw some grandads walking with their families and said ‘oh I just wish I had my dad’. Well, so do I (he died years before hers). But more, I wish I had my DH, who died suddenly when my kids were 4 and 6. She still had hers, 15 years after that conversation.
OP we can’t live our lives over, and life is unfair. My DD was diagnosed with MS at 17. Another mum at school was diagnosed with lung cancer at 35, having never smoked. She’s gone too. Life is unfair. But I don’t know a single person whose life hasn’t been touched by some drama or crisis, no matter how picture perfect it looks like from the outside.

What exactly is it that you want? You’re not really asking for advice, because people are giving you it, and you’re rejecting it. You’re in a total spiral where you’re determined to be unhappy.

Youve had a hard life, absolutely. You have that validation …. But now what? You’re entitled to be bitter and angry about how hard your life has been …. But you should also acknowledge that you’re not the only one! What advice are you actually looking for?

Maybe read the OP as I specifically state what advice I want? How not to feel this way.

not to be told that oh sooooo many people have it worse. Like that makes me feel any fucking better

like I said, I’m done. Do you all go on to any thread where someone isn’t happy with their lot in life and preach to them about people not having clean water? Thought not

I mean, I literally haven’t said anything about clean water 😂 People are telling you how not to feel this way. But you’re reacting to their advice with ‘but XYZ happened to me …’ which is why people are trying to share alternative narratives to open your eyes. No one is saying that your experiences haven’t been harmful - but if you’re determined that these things mean you can’t be happy, then how do you expect any of us to tell you differently.

Ive had similar thoughts OP. I am incredibly grateful for everything about my life that is good, and there really is so much. But the doesnt resolve the grief for life could have been if Id had 'good enough' parents and a normal childhood.

My father is an abusive narcissistic misogynistic alcoholic who had nothing positive ever to say to me, and tore me down at every opportunity. Growing up in these types of environments leaves you fundamentally broken. You have no template for what a good relationship is, what a good man is. You cant recognise one and even if by luck you fall into a relationship with someone who is good, it feels wrong. So you end up repeating the pattern, and another man comes along and takes even more, and you lose yourself even more.

If eventually if you are determined enough to work through it all and figure it out, decades have already passed. And that time can never be regained, its gone forever along with all the opportunities of youth.

It is a grief, grief for the life that could have been if you hadnt had to fight all those battles just to get where so many people seem to start. For sure there are always those who are worse off than you, and those who are not. But grief it grief and you just have to work your way through it.

For what its worth I have found AI (Claude) a good sounding block for a lot of these thoughts. It gives excellent psychology grounded reassuring advice without judgement (unlike Mumsnet!).

But you have no idea what people’s lives will unfold as.

My best friend had a MUCH better childhood than mine. I was homeless as a teenager.

At 30 with a one year old baby her husband dropped dead suddenly. It was horrific. I know few people who have experienced that much trauma with a baby at home.

At the same time I had lost a baby after years of infertility. That was awful and shocking. I still had my husband at the time though.

Everyone has their own shit. Everyone has heartbreaking stories.

Grieving them is one thing, choosing to live in them is something else.

You’ve done so well. Please allow yourself some sense of achievement.
Think about what you can do now with the next phase of your life.

In fairness you’re asking us to tell you it’s reasonable that you would have had an exceptional life but for some horrible things that happened to you. Not many people are exceptional. If that’s uncomfortable then you are not ready to ask this question, you’d rather live with a delusion that you were destined for greater things.

Those with the right grades don’t always get into the top unis. Those that do, often flunk out or fail to thrive. There is someone on this thread who said ‘yep, me!’

The lives you’re hankering after are for people who have rich parents, nice schools and possibly easy lives. And they may have all the same issues as you. You just don’t know about it.

There is poster here who said she’d trade everything she has for healthy, happy kids. You are not listening to any of the advice you have specifically asked for: all you want to hear is - yes you would have been the CEO but for x y z.

The biggest truth is though, if your parents had not been your parents, you would not exist. They could have made different choices, and I’m sorry they didn’t, but everyone has to play the hand they are dealt.

@Princessconsuelabananahammock9 ah so because more shit might happen to me I’m not allowed to feel aggrieved for the stuff that’s happened so far…. Right…

Yes, this 👏🏻 My eldest daughter absolutely is a million times more intelligent, astute, with a more sparkling engaging personality than I ever had. Pure Oxbridge material, and I hope will go onto do all the things I wish that I could have done.

I was academically able, but not gifted, and I didn't achieve the full potential people made out I could when I was younger. Looking back, my parents were perhaps too overprotective, and this consequently made me feel very lacking in confidence, so it probably stifled my potential somewhat.

But I don't think it matters. I have achieved being a mum, a wife, have three wonderful, beautiful, clever children. They make up for all my shortcomings and things I wish I could have done.

My first thought was how amazing you have done to get to where you are, despite all the challenges you have faced.
And a lot can change in a short time. Look forward!

No. Im asking how not to think and feel this way. Not asking for judgement on my experiences.

You can feel aggrieved at your tragedies of course. But you asked how to get over the fact that you didn’t achieve more. What everyone is saying in a roundabout way is that considering the beginning you had you’ve done extremely well… so being unhappy with that doesn’t make sense. If you want to get over the unfairness you just have to accept that life was unfair and that’s that. You either decide now to do something to reach this imaginary pinnacle or you get over the fact that you have no idea what you might have achieved with better opportunities and without making the choices that you did.

You can feel aggrieved - most people here have acknowledged that harm has been done to you. But you’re using it as a stick to beat yourself (and everyone else with). Rather than going ‘look what I have IN SPITE of everything that happened’ … you’re saying ‘everything I have means nothing because I should have had more’

youre entitled to feel that, but it isn’t helpful. And that’s the advice people are giving you.

There is so much good advice here.

If it isn’t landing and you’ve had a complex MH history then you probably need a qualified professional. I say that with kindness.

You may lack empathy for others, as someone posted a horrific story of their personal loss above and you seemed annoyed at your attention being drawn to it.

No, I’m saying it’s pointless to compare because you haven’t no clue what someone you know will deal with in the future.

I lost a childhood friend to cancer at 42. In 6 months she went from healthy to gone and had to say goodbye to her 12 yo daughter.

By her own words she had an amazing life. She suffered greatly in those 6 months though and I can’t imagine her sorrow leaving her daughter behind.

I’ve had hard things in life but I can’t imagine how she felt. Her death will always be a reminder to me that life changes in a second. No one is guaranteed a happy healthy life.

You want to know how to move past this? You will have to face your anger and sorrow and disappointments.

Accept that life wasn’t what you’d hoped for and then focus on other things. Focus on the things you are thankful for. Focus on the changes you can make today that future you will be thankful for. Focus on helping others however you are able.

Focus on looking forward instead of looking backwards.

It will slowly become a habit to find the good and once you do you’ll see it everywhere.

Additionally, you seem to think that only academic ability and a good childhood/support system are needed to achieve wondrous things. But that’s not true - intelligence and support often need to be accompanied by courage, emotional intelligence, patience, enjoyment of risk, drive, adaptability, resilience, far vision. Maybe you were gifted in the brains department but would have fallen short because you lack some of these other traits. So there’s no point mourning what might not even have been if you had a perfect childhood. Put the jealousy and grief to bed, accept you’ve done the best you could with the hand you were dealt.

But Op you are not even responding to those of us making suggestions.

You are focusing on the comments about other people having it worse.

If it makes you feel better, my life has not been as unfortunate as yours. It has not been perfect, but better so far, much better. Does that help? I thought not ...

So how about I would trade absolutely everything I’ve achieved so far in life (and really, it’s not that great, everyone I mix with did the same) just to have had two parents who actually loved rather than hated each other and bothered not to drink themselves to death at the age of 41

but I guess I apparently have to be grateful that happened too 🙄