AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Just looking for some advice on how to get over mourning the life I feel I should have had.

For context, I had an awful childhood, including an alcoholic abusive father who died when I was young, and an emotionally unavailable mother who liked to throw material things at me to make up for it. I was bullied all my life including in first jobs, I suspect due to being autistic which I didn’t know until I was 35. Despite all of this I was the classic overachiever, identified for a glittering career from when I was a small child (suggestions as far back as primary school included a brain surgeon or the prime minister 😂)

But sadly an abusive relationship in my 20s and significant mental health issues due to life events put paid to that. I’m 40 now, I have an NHS middle management role, my own home, nice holidays etc but I put in an incredible amount of hours over two jobs to be able to afford it. Single after a string of failed relationships, no kids. I just feel like I’ve missed the boat in terms of potential…

I’m on holiday at the moment in a fairly upmarket resort and spent the evening a few nights ago talking/drinking with a group in their late 20s who all worked in the city, flats in Chelsea, etc. Oxbridge educated (I have a degree and masters from an RG uni but I could have gotten into either of them). I just now look back and think - I could have done that - but my circumstances held me back, I wanted to do a grad scheme and move to London but my ex held me back and I got a mortgage instead.

I know it’s too late to change it all now - I don’t have the transferable skills and certainly couldn’t afford more than a house share in the south (and that’s impossible for me to do). I know comparison is the thief of joy but I could just do with some advice on how to get over it. I just feel like I’ve missed out so much
.

Working in the NHS is very different to the city. You are 40 now and it's easy to think you could have done something different in your 20s but be realistic as you may well have been a different person then.

Having academic qualifications is one thing but personality etc are key to success in some roles. Not saying you couldn't have "made it" but sometimes you need to ask yourself if you are being realistic.

Besides even if you worked in the city, there will always be someone who is more successful than you or made different/"better" choices.

You are where you are so just enjoy it and remember that you are a lot luckier than thousands out there.

Agree with this, but easier said than done. Hitting 40 has been a shock to my system, never felt this way at any other age. I just suddenly feel that I am seeing 20 odd year olds as kids! Even my dc's teacher looks like a teenager to me! I am also remembering the ignorance of youth, and what I was like. It is a decade for reflecting for alot of people I feel.

I think you need to allow yourself to grieve. Personally I think kids with flats in Chelsea come from a completely different demographic (with family money) so you wouldn’t have had the same but it’s also okay to grieve that life is not fair.
it’s understandable that you feel jealous that this carefree well to do young person full of hopes and who has all these opportunities ahead of them is not you. It’s only human.

eventually it will pass. Maybe with some therapy, so you don’t slip into entrenched resentment.

wishing you all the best

You think autism is a disease?! Also, you do know that latest statistics on autism diagnoses stand at ONE PERCENT of the population? 1 percent. Seriously, do some research @darksideofthetoon

I think some form of therapy specifically aimed at changing your outlook would help you.

You are not too old to change course if you truly want to do so. I once had a GP who started her medical training at age 43.

The 'latest' statistics are old. There are 3 autistic (diagnosed) children in my DCs mainstream reception class. One of them is my DC, I am also autistic, as are other family members so this isn't an autistic bashing comment. I just wanted to highlight the 1% is an outdated statistic.

Always focus on what you have, not what you don’t have. What percentage of UK population are pretty girls who work in the city and have flats in Chelsea? On the flip
side, what percentage of UK population is crippled with debt, are in low paying jobs they hate, stay in abusive relationships, can barely afford necessities, live in council houses and dream of having their own place?

There are many good lives that you didn’t live, but even more much worse ones. Lots of people out there go to sleep praying for the things that you have. You don’t see how much you have because you’re too focused on looking up to people who have more.

Even if you were Bill Gates you could be looking at Elon Musk and thinking that guy is richer than I ever was, I wish I had his life. You could have everything in this world and still look at someone else who has more. Instead, look at people who have less as there are so many of them - people living in poverty, sick, disabled, living in war zones. You are truly blessed to have what you have.

Yep, I was on the ‘gifted and talented list’ etc and I’m a teacher. I think if you’re bright generally and make good choices you’ll do okay but making the mega money takes innovation or a lot of luck.

Excellent point. When we fret over roads not travelled there's always the assumption that sonething good has been missed, when it's just as likely there's been bullets dodged.

Yes, until you are older it’s impossible to understand the opportunities and potential that were there. You just have to believe that everything happens for a reason OP - you could have done all sorts of different things but it wouldn’t guarantee happiness.

I really think you need to address where you’re placing your requirements for happiness. It seems like you view job roles and houses as the key to ‘success’ or contentment. The danger with this, is that you have no real control over these things, and it’s destined to leave you miserable for the rest of your life.

You can’t control the job market, or what vacancies become available. You can’t control the housing market, or the cost of living.

Let’s say you did get a better paid ‘dream’ job. There will still be people better paid. There will still be people who are incompetent that you need to work with.

Here is the key … YOU ARE NOT YOUR JOB (or your house). These things don’t mean you’re happy, or a good person, or have a nice life. Why are you basing your happiness on them?

You need to find ways to come to terms with living your truth, and work on accepting the life you have. Stop trying to be someone else, or something more, or change the past! You’ll always be chasing and you’ll never be happy.

Great post

in someways i do wish i had a time machine, and redo from when i was 16, i had the potential and it got wasted on relationships that fizzled, when i should have been more focused on my studies

Normally I'm really sympathetic about things like this but this post has made me feel a bit shit about some of the achievements I'm really proud of (my NHS middle management job and degree and post grad quals from RG universities) which are similar to yours which you're dismissive of.
I think you've done amazingly well so far in spite of everything.

@OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends I'm in a similar situation OP, except in my case it was abusive employers that held me back rather than an abusive partner. Sadly I think a lot of this for us is just bad luck. What pisses me off though is people insinuating the reason why we're average is because we didn't work hard, which is bullshit of course.

I cannot see how you have been bullied all your life and still achieved. Would you expand on this?

That's what I did. What you're overlooking though is that a lot of career success is down to timing and luck. In my case, I was unlucky.

So because I ignored relationships and ended up being unlucky anyway, now I have an average job and no partner.

Studying more and being academic does not create career success. Most people who are successful are completely average, academically.

ill admit thats true points too

Because not doing it was never an option?

JFC this site. So apparently my autism is now a disease and my diagnosis was given out like a wine bottle… how about no. Getting that diagnosis made everything in my life make sense whereas it hadn’t before. Plus I was originally diagnosed with BPD and had to fight my own employer over that which is simply not fun

I’ve never said I could just walk into a job that pays for a fiat in Chelsea (that isn’t my goal it was just an example) just that were I to retrain or start again I’m not getting offered a job at my current salary and I literally cannot take a pay cut

I also resent the posters saying it’s not other people’s fault… really? I mean really? You think the fact my dad was an alcoholic from before I was born who was abusive to me and my mum and kept trying to kill himself and said to my face that he had nothing to live for has absolutely no nesting on my life or mental health whatsoever?!

We get dealt our hand in life, and then we have to make the most of it. You could have been born into slavery in Mauritania. You could have suddenly lost your sight one day.

My life could have been so much better, too, but at this point I'm just glad it wasn't worse.

You are very strong and grieving what you did not get in life is valid feeling. I am okeish in all areas but still grieve when I have to. Then move on.

My faith in God has been the majour most powerfull pull towards my future in difficult times and boy, I had hard times - boarding school, emotionally unavailable father, not being able to finish my degree due to emotional heartbreak, severe social anxiety which I thought is autism, moving abroad with 0 money or anyone in a safety net. And here I am, married, with offspring, owning property in the SE

I give thanks for today's daily bread, and move on. We create our thought ambiance per how we decide to think.

You're on holiday. Somewhere nice. Today is a good day 😘

I have omitted many things I have been through and even am not born here...but here me is, taking life by the horns as it comes. My dad was also disabled due to driving under alcohol. But he was not a drunkard, just had the bad luck to drink once, got upset with mum and disappeared in the car and off he came in a wheelchair.