AIBU to expect my seven-year-old to fall asleep independently? Bedtimes takes hours and we are exhausted!

[sleeplessinlondon11]

My just-turned-7 year old lovely boy insists that I cuddle him to sleep, every night. I have tried to say you're a big boy, promised him all sorts of things, the suggestion is met with screaming and crying. The problem is not per se that I have to stay with him- I've got the time and I don't mind- but that I think at this age he should be able to fall asleep himself, after a cuddle and a story. It takes literally 1 hour plus to get him to sleep. My DH and me alternate bedtime and he is saying the same, that we'd like DS to be more independent, after all that's our job as parents! This whole thing also meant that really he has never done a sleepover at grandparents as he appears to need us so much.

AIBU to cut the cord and announce that from today, it's fall asleep yourself after a cuddle and a story?? Or shall I do it more gradually?

Ridiculous. Gently teaching your child to fall asleep on their own is an act of love.

We did a system that I saw on tv years ago and it really worked for us

i made a big poster with days of the week and stickers/stars on it and at the bottom was “get out of bed” cards
at the start he got maybe 5 “get out of bed cards” so he could get up for a cuddle/ pee/ drink but straight back to bed and if he still had a card left over ( he only got up 4 times or less) he got a sticker - when he got 5 stickers he got a treat - a toy or a day out for eg
it made our DS feel not completely cut off from us but he understood the rules
Then when he is consistently getting a sticker take away a “get out of bed” card so he has less get ups
when he was down to one get up a night then we made it 7 then 10 stars to get a treat because he was getting a lot of treats
you can adjust this to your child so he can see that the treat is definitely within reach at the start and then when he starts to “get it “ make it a little harder

This.

YANBU @sleeplessinlondon11 this is batshit. He is SEVEN, not two! My 2 had passed the stage of needing mummy to stay there til they were asleep by about 18 months to 2 years old. Nope, I'm not being smug, no parents I knew were sitting with their child til they fell asleep when they were as old as seven. And as you say, certainly not MY parents. By the time I was about 3, they'd say 'it's 8pm, it's bedtime, up the wooden stairs to Bedfordshire!' Then they'd tuck me in, read to me for 5 minutes, then they were gone. And that is normal IMO.

Some of the responses on here are batshit. Who the heck has the time to do this? Spend an hour or more waiting for their child to fall asleep and still be doing it when they're SEVEN years old? These people must have all the time in the world, hired help, cleaners, maids, the lot! And who WANTS to do it? My 2 were happy with a bedtime story (about 10 minutes) and then they'd go to sleep. From when they were 2!

I think you do need to cut the cord, but gently. Don't be harsh. Maybe bribery? (Yes that's what I said!) Has he said there's anything he wants in particular? You could say 'you can have this if you stop expecting mummy to stay with you until you go to sleep. You're a big boy now, and you can go to sleep without me sitting here with you. I will read to you for 10 minutes, but then it's bedtime. It's very tiring for me to just sit here. Time to start going to sleep by yourself.' (And promise him something he wants if he complies.) I told my 2 that they could have this particular toy they wanted if they would give up their dummy, and let another baby have it.... (They were 2.5 to 3 years old, and they both agreed and never wanted their dummy again.)

Honestly, anyone thinking what you're putting up with is fine and acceptable, probably breastfed their babies til they were 6! I can't imagine any other reason why anyone would think this is OK!

It's not OK. It's making you tired and weary and worn out. It needs to stop. If gentleness and bribery doesn't work, then tough love is needed I'm afraid. You TELL him it's stopping whether he likes it nor not. If he screams and cries, let him. Stop allowing him to manipulate you. He is not a toddler, he is SEVEN, he knows what he's doing. It's ridiculous to suggest that someone will develop mental health issues because you start telling them they can't have mummy staying with them until they fall asleep, when they are SEVEN! (So she's stuck there for an hour!)

OR as someone has suggested, make the time you stay with him 1-2 minutes less each night for a few weeks, until the amount of time you stay with him drops to 2-3 minutes.

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@PrettyLittleRose the fuck? Breastfed until they were 6. I did it for 6 weeks, that was enough. He was a shit sleeper from the start, so we did what helped us sleep, and I love it now. I don’t care that he might take some time to fall asleep, we have chats about his day, do a bit of reading sometimes, talk about stuff he’s in to. I love it. I love spending time with my son. I then love falling asleep because I’m usually knackered by 9. Win win!
Every family is different, and do what gets them through the day/week. The OP has obviously had enough, so fair enough, it’s not working for them any more. For others, it’s not a big deal.

I haven’t read all the replies. At 7, your dc is old enough to have an old fashioned cd player and listen to talking books to sleep. Enid Blyton is always good for this.

This is not normal, it can only realistically happen for only children, for a start as nobody is humoring this in a 7yo if they are juggling a 4yo and a newborn as well.

Beavers will have had them away at camp by this age, some kids will be going to boarding school at 8 (pretty extreme in the other direction, not saying it's great, but a sign of how old he is), it will boost his resilience for his parents not to validate his every tiny discomfort as something to be instantly fixed.

Take the "back in five" then ten, then 15 approach, add in "I'm just outside in the hall doing laundry, you can get me if something is wrong but you have to try to sleep first." If he comes out straight away, be disappointed. Make sure he's had enough fresh air and exercise to be physically tired. Make him feel reading in bed is a treat he's negotiatied out of you.

Good luck op, it's nice having an extra hour in the evening and it's better for him to not have such an illusion of control, much better for him to have a sense of perspective - wider his comfort zone rather than everyone living in it

@Noshowlomo Good for you if you were happy spending ages with your son to get him to fall asleep. The OP is NOT and she is struggling with it. 'Oh well, I was OK with it' is not helping her!

Well said @SueKeeper it is far from normal. The OP's son needs to learn that he cannot demand that his mother stays with him until he falls asleep every single night. As I said, he is seven, not two! Like you say, some children are at scout camp at that age, and even boarding school.

Why do you need it to be earlier? Is he not getting enough sleep on almost 10 hours?

Teach him that he is a big boy and can enjoy more fun time with you downstairs but when it’s time to sleep it’s time to sleep.

Agree with PP not doing it abruptly or in a stressed out way though.

Aged 7 back in the day we were just told it's bed time and off we went. No particular stories or cuddles, just a 'good night'. We are all fine. I put my own DD to bed with stories and a cuddle though.

Your child's reaction seems extreme to me. but is there something else going on, such as being scared of the proverbial monsters under the bed etc.? I'm assuming you've asked him what the matter is?
Have you tried a nightlight? Sorry, OP but I think you're going to have to wean him off the parent presence.

I find doing chores in the general vicinity of my child’s bedroom helped a gradual stop of relying on me to be there. Eg I’ll fold and put laundry away, tidy up, clean a bathroom next door. Bizarrely if it’s a noisy activity that often helps them know where I am - if I say I’m doing the dishwasher then they can hear me loading the plates etc so they know I’m in the kitchen

I think the best advice for all sleep related issues at whatever age is to think about where you'd like to be, and take small steps towards that happening. I stayed with my kids as they went to sleep for much longer than the norm but over time we worked towards more independence when we felt they were ready. So for my seven year old, sometimes I stay but I will usually leave after a story and listening to a song. Sometimes she asks me to stay and I do sometimes I explain I need to work or take a shower or do a job or go to sleep myself. We have a Yoto and I put that on as I leave so that she has something to focus on besides me. When I started leaving i would say, I just need to do X and I'll come back in 5 mins to check on you. And then I would come back in 5 mins. So in a nutshell I think you can be loving and flexible while working towards being able to leave after a story, just start with small steps.If he's currently crying and screaming at the thought of being left to go to sleep by himself I'd leave it a few weeks before starting and start with the principle of I'll be back to check on you shortly rather than you need to go to sleep all by yourself.

Brace yourself for when his friends find out he sleeps with his mum.

I think this is great advice. But advise you won’t be coming back if he’s screaming the house down.

Gradually move away. So a week sitting on the edge of his bed with your hand on him. A week sitting beside his bed. A week sitting the other side of the room. A week sitting at the door with the door open. A week sitting by the door closed.

DS was the same, you had to get in bed with him and cuddle and then he wouldn't stop talking and asking for things and one of us (DH) would fall asleep in his bed and ruin our evening.

He would still come in our room even after we'd moved all the way back and ask for us to get in his bed. He still does. We walk him back give him a kiss and tell him to stay in his bed the first time. Then it's walked back and just told to stay in bed. Then it's sent back by himself. Then it's privileges being lost. He's mostly fine. We only really have to tell him more than once when he's having one of those days when their sole purpose for the day is to drive you to insanity.

Having a yoto player helped during the transition but he bent some of the cards during a tantrum and was climbing on top of his wardrobe where we had put it out of reach so we've put that away now and I haven't really noticed a difference in his sleep.

Oh when you have stopped sitting with him. Going back in every so often really helps them stay in bed. When you're in the process of moving further away add in short stints of going for a wee, feeding the cat, putting your phone on charge. Short nips out the room. Then get longer. Then you're out the room more than you're in and it becomes short nips in the room.

My just turned 8 year old has been going to sleep by himself for a few years now but he had a period around age 3 where he wanted us with him and we ended up staying in his room until he fell asleep.

What worked for us was a gradual retreat. So at first, I'd sit in his room but right by the door. A night or two later, I'd sit in the doorway, then outside the door (door open). After that it went to me doing something (that he could hear e.g. Tidying the bathroom) upstairs and popping in every few minutes. Then the breaks between popping in got longer.

Think it only took a month or so to crack it.

The other thing that helped was getting him a tonie box so he could listen to an audio book while he fell asleep. He still uses it now.

Two things from experience:

• he won’t need this forever (even if it feels like it) We never bothered to deliberately cut ours off, it just gradually drifted, but it took until secondary school. We didn’t mind because by 7 or 8 it was quicker than being up and down all evening and it was kind of nice to have the quality time. (Is an hour the whole bedtime routine, or story, cuddle and then an hour?)
• you might be surprised about sleepovers - once they reach a certain age, I think they can separate out home vs not-home experiences. We’d done grandparents a few times a year before the first school residential, but grandparents always did what we did. I was worried he would struggle - it was fine! Give it a go and see rather than avoiding until he’s doing it at home.

We stopped staying with DD when she started reception, mostly because it started taking ages for her to fall asleep. The things that worked for us were:

• Letting her have some say in the bedtime routine & what she needed. So for DD this includes time to talk about her day after story has finished.
• Being firm once we'd left the room that she couldn't have "just one more..." (apart from the toilet oc) sometimes that does mean she's upset but it's consistent and above means we do know she's getting the connection she needs before sleep.
• Leaving a teddy on her pillow as a signal we've checked on her before we go to bed. This is a bit of an odd one but seems to reassure her that us saying goodnight doesn't mean she's alone all night. It also works nicely for when she's left with a babysitter for example. Although I don't think she's had this at grandparent sleepovers.

Eta - "bedtime" is roughly an hour from teeth brushing to us leaving the room including story, chat and cuddle.
And for the first month we did go back to "check" about 10mins after leaving the room actually now I think about it!

Don't try to move away AND make bedtime earlier at the same time. If anything. Go to bed later, go to bed at the time he usually goes to sleep. Get him settled sleeping by himself. THEN move bed time.

@sleeplessinlondon11 You teach a child to self settle.

The suggestion of one story then now they're "big" they can then read their own book for a bit then you'll come tuck them in and then the light out and check on them ever 5 mins, then 10 mins etc... until they're asleep.

I always read to them for in bed for 45 minutes then once that’s done it’s sleep time. Terrible sleeper when younger but at 7 I think they should be getting themselves to sleep after settling down for a bit.

Move to holding his hand first surely? I did that with my 5 year old around a year ago. Now if he's mucking around at bed time I calmly tell him I'm going because I must be distracting him from falling asleep. I go and 99% of the time he falls asleep. If he cries for me I go back in to him.

Sorry double post.

I was a proper little velcro child, especially at bedtime. What my mum/ dad (but mainly mum) did was phase it out, so at first she would sit by my bed and pat my head ect, then she would stand at the foot of the bed (which looking back she did look a bit creepy stood there in the dark lol) and the she phased it out to waiting outside the door for a few mins. I am still very much a cuddly sleeper though and I don’t sleep very well if my DH isn’t there, and I still cuddle a teddy which I know is a bit weird. I sometimes wonder if it’s because I was cuddled to sleep as a child.

I would also suggest extending his bed time. Some kids are just not tired. We tried putting DD6 to bed at 7 for ages, but she wasn’t sleeping till 9, she would just play or come down and hound us. Now she goes upstairs and brushes her teeth at 8:30 and she’s in bed, asleep by 9. That’s just what works for her. DS5 couldn’t stay up that late, he is falling asleep on the sofa by 8:00, but all kids are different.