AIBU to expect my seven-year-old to fall asleep independently? Bedtimes takes hours and we are exhausted!

[sleeplessinlondon11]

My just-turned-7 year old lovely boy insists that I cuddle him to sleep, every night. I have tried to say you're a big boy, promised him all sorts of things, the suggestion is met with screaming and crying. The problem is not per se that I have to stay with him- I've got the time and I don't mind- but that I think at this age he should be able to fall asleep himself, after a cuddle and a story. It takes literally 1 hour plus to get him to sleep. My DH and me alternate bedtime and he is saying the same, that we'd like DS to be more independent, after all that's our job as parents! This whole thing also meant that really he has never done a sleepover at grandparents as he appears to need us so much.

AIBU to cut the cord and announce that from today, it's fall asleep yourself after a cuddle and a story?? Or shall I do it more gradually?

Solidarity, I am in the same boat with my 7 yo. I think I mentally scarred myself by trying some sleep training stuff when she was one. Then I discovered co sleeping and all was well… but we just never stopped! I think this is much more common than you think, I just think people are embarrassed by it so don’t talk about it. As others have said it’s normal in other cultures. I have started to talk to my daughter about her getting to sleep by herself but she says she’s not ready yet. I can see her being a lot more independent in other ways so I think it will happen when it happens. Right now I actually love lying down in the dark and recharging after a long stressful day. From parents of older kids I have spoken to about this they said their kid started telling them they weren’t required sometime between ages of 7 and 11. She also falls asleep between 9 and 10 and wakes up at 7.30. So now we just don’t do lights out til 9ish.

My mum slept with me until I was almost 9, sorry. She didn't mean to sleep with me, but I needed her to stay with me to fall asleep so she usually fell asleep too 😂i had a double bed in my room since I was a toddler apparently. I can't even remember why, or justify exactly how I felt, but I just remember wanting mum there.

I also stay to sleep with my 2 and 5 year old boys....we have a big montessori floor bed. Their bedtime is quite early so I sneak out after they fall asleep but I think once they get bigger, I won't be able to get away with it.

When mine was little I renege the super nanny advice. Put a chair in his room, cuddle him for a bit and then say “I’ll just be over there”. The theory being that he’ll get so used to it, the time on the chair will shorten each night.

Yeah I’d start to change things. One of my closest friends is trapped in the same cycle with her eleven year old, and now it takes two plus hours so she just goes to bed when he does and only moves to her bed she shares with her husband if she wakes up. Personally I can’t think of anything worse.

My friends have this with their 6 and almost 10 year olds as well. Mum sleeps on a mattress on the floor of the 6yo's room and the 10 year old sleeps in the main bedroom in a double bed with dad, both need parents lying next to them to go to sleep. I'm not sure what has happened to children being kissed goodnight and putting themselves to bed in their own rooms!

10 hours sleep is about right at that age, so if you want him to fall asleep earlier I'd suggest waking him at 6.30am.

Blackout curtains or liners for original curtains if his room is too light.

I do think that children need to be taught how to fall asleep by themselves OP. I wasn’t taught as a child and it took me years to learn how as an adult.
If I were you I’d introduce a gradual approach, by explaining to him during the day that at bedtime tonight you will have a 10 minute cuddle before you go downstairs to sort some things out. You then need to follow through with the expectation you have set.

Once the new routine is working, you can then then reduce the cuddle time gradually.

Maybe he could listen to some classical music after the cuddle has finished to help him fall asleep?

Just need to be really strict and tell him to go to sleep and you're not doing all this shit anymore. Maybe not in those words but you know.

I was doing this and I moved to I’m upstairs sitting on my bed quietly and then tried to sneak downstairs and eventually she is used to me kissing and then going downstairs straight away. She has stories on her Alexa and she will go to sleep on her own but has taken time.

My boy is 7 and I still sleep with him (not just fall asleep but sleep in his bed). He’s got a lovely comfy double bed, and would wake up in the middle of the night if I wasn’t there and call my name. Just easier to stay in his bed, we both get a lovely night sleep. He’s getting more independent by the day, but he’s scared of the dark, which is normal for a child.
It will happen and you don’t have to force anything. When he eventually tells me to sleep in my bed I’ll be gutted I think, his bed is much comfier … 😬

Traditionally, babies didn't wear nappies. Can you imagine sharing a bed with a baby or toddler who doesn't wear nappies?
In some traditional societies, bed sharing was something you had to do because you didn't have room/beds for everyone, not something you wanted to do. Babies also fell asleep on the sofa or wherever the family were sitting for the evening - without nappies - also not idea.

Anyway, the popping back in thing can be helpful - he's old enough to understand it now (for a younger child the "vanishing chair" trick might be better".
This method is supposed to be for a child who sleeps in the parents' bed but it looks like it would work well for falling asleep alone. We never had this problem but this method (SPACE) has solved a very large number of problems for us as a family:

I feel you. My boys are 6.5. I mentioned us not lying down between them cuddling them to sleep before 6 and got tears so I said at 6. At 6 we got tears so we worked out when 6.5 was and stuck to it. Initially cos I was parenting alien so I had to go put their older brother to bed, then next night it was easier. It does gel that there's two of them, altho that means they talk. DH went in last night at 9 cos he could hear meowing 🙄😂.

We're aiming for consistency with flexibility. One always drops off first, other is clingier so one night he was really struggling and he got some extra bedside cuddle to get hi to sleep but it's treated as a one off not the norm.

My problem is when we do bedtimes alone, lying with 2 for over an hour means the third child is essentially abandoned. It's right saying you need to stay as long as you're needed, but I have more than one bedtime to do

I eased DS into it by staying up stairs but wandering around putting washing away or tidying etc. Then I started sitting in another room upstairs reading / doom scrolling. Once he'd got used to falling asleep without me literally in the bed with him it was fine and he's gone to bed by himself ever since. I think just being present for the first little while helped him get used to it.

I'm no less loving and supportive to my kids than I was a week ago, u didn't just decide u didn't kind then anyone so u wouldn't lie with tynemouth to sleep now. We've talked about it with them, about being more independent. They have story time, they're cuddled, they're told they're lined and they're left to sleep, we're downstairs if we need them and if we hear them get up we go to them. A week ago we were lying for an hour still every night cuddling them to bed.

They're not suddenly being advised and psychologically damaged

You've been doing it for 7 years, so whilst I'd be so over it, this is news to him so my advice is to do it gently but make it something he wants to do.

At night, start talking about how much you're enjoying this time together now because he's growing up so fast and you most kids go to sleep alone at this age so you know he will want to soon too. You can obviously be subtler, and talk to your DH when you know he is listening in about how much grandparents would love to have him over and spoil him with XYZ when he is able to sleep Lone and wants to.

Basically just sow the seed so he starts thinking about wanting to do it himself

If he ever car naps you could try praosong and reinforcing that you know how capable he is of dropping off alone in a bed because he just needs to daydream until he nods off, like he does in the car.

My son is the same age and like this, he is very affectionate and loves cuddles, still wants one of us to sit in his room at bedtime until he falls asleep, or asks to stay in our bed (the latter we are trying to discourage more since he turned 7)

He can go to bed independently but it takes him ages. To he honest, I treasure it, I know one day it will end and I will miss all those cuddles! He is an only, so i don't have to be dealing with other children which obviously makes a difference.

The grandparents probably can't be arsed to lie in the dark for an hour, and who could blame them! 7 is more than big enough to go to sleep alone - at this sort of age they need to feel they can do things by/for themselves. As long as it is handled kindly and sensibly, helping them to develop independence builds their confidence.

DD went through a phase of this aged about 5. I used the "upstairs faff" technique that pp mentioned. Basically I'd save my "upstairs jobs" like changing my bed, sorting laundry, tidying/ cleaning the bathroom and then I'd say I'm going to be upstairs with you but I just have some bits to do. I'd leave the door open so she could hear me moving about. She'd usually be asleep in 10 mins.

Firstly I think you need to break things down and work out what you want.

What worked for us - is to encourage the idea of bedtime calm time - so - audio story on / or reading/ playing quietly with lego or drawing - this is done WITHOUT you. He gets used to calming down - he is in pajamas, post bath etc.

I actually lvoe this part of my day as it reduces bedtime stress!

And - we have been through NHS sleep clinic for my autistic 12 yr old adn the 'quiet calming activities 'is always suggested by them so you aren't spoiling them letting them play - it helps wind down.

A lot of UK families I think do too early a bedtime - if he is really not sleeping, let him stay up a bit but he has to be quite in bed/bedroom?

Then - you tuck him in and say - right im off to have a chat with daddy Ill check on you in 10 mins - leave him, back in 10 (or 5 at first) - just repeat repeat he will sleep in the end.

Cherish these moments when he is still small and needs you.
My other boy is 11 and doesn't want hugs anymore.
My other one is 6 and I cuddle him every night.
It's normal in other countries and cultures. Don't feel bad about it.

I think its very normal but I understand how it can end up taking an evening - and then if you are frazzled and not getting a break its not good for anyone,

You've sleep trained him to only sleep when a parent is with him.

You've spent 7 years reinforcing the habit. What a waste of your evenings! He's 7, just stop, give him a cuddle and then "potter" around upstairs so he can hear you for the first week. Then you can have your evenings back again. I'm assuming he's an only child as who has time for that with a younger child!

to do a sudden about turn now would be a pretty unreasonable way to treat the kid

Which is why I said, get him involved in a gradual plan.