AIBU to expect my seven-year-old to fall asleep independently? Bedtimes takes hours and we are exhausted!

[sleeplessinlondon11]

My just-turned-7 year old lovely boy insists that I cuddle him to sleep, every night. I have tried to say you're a big boy, promised him all sorts of things, the suggestion is met with screaming and crying. The problem is not per se that I have to stay with him- I've got the time and I don't mind- but that I think at this age he should be able to fall asleep himself, after a cuddle and a story. It takes literally 1 hour plus to get him to sleep. My DH and me alternate bedtime and he is saying the same, that we'd like DS to be more independent, after all that's our job as parents! This whole thing also meant that really he has never done a sleepover at grandparents as he appears to need us so much.

AIBU to cut the cord and announce that from today, it's fall asleep yourself after a cuddle and a story?? Or shall I do it more gradually?

Very unwise to make an announcement today after you have supported this for seven years - stop blaming him and start a calm, supportive route to a sensible future objective.

The first question is why? If he's genuinely anxious, how will putting your foot down help anyone, most of all him?

You do want to change the situation, but parents who make sudden about turns tend to cause more problems.

I think YABU, he’s still so young. Just shift bedtime later; if it’s taking an hour then he just isnt tired enough. I can’t ever imagine wanting to stop being with my daughter as she falls asleep. Most adults need something to fall asleep like music or their partner; why shouldnt little children.

Okay. Taking this on board. Have you got a suggestion for a gradual stop?

With my 6 year old. I said he was going to do it by himself like his friend and I would check on him after 5 minutes, then give him a kiss/cuddle. Then check again after 5 minutes if he was still awake. The "5 minutes" got longer and now I do go check he is asleep but he is always asleep. The hardest was the first couple of nights a few tears but he has taken to it great. And it was just a habit to break.

Thank you. I know - it's so hard I want to do the right thing but I'm just thinking that I'm overly spoiling him by staying with him till he's asleep!

And couldn’t grandparents look after him at your house by offering a cuddle at bedtime? That’s what my MIL does.

You’re really not. And it’s quite sad our society has made you think a tiny child must fall asleep alone. One day he won’t want to talk to you, as all teenagers do! Soak it in now

Same!! My nearly 8 year old is like this. I worry we have probably not helped as we have continued it! We usually play a game like snakes and ladders, read and book then put him in his bed but we sit on the floor until he’s asleep. We have talked about leaving the room and pottering upstairs but haven’t done it consistently and my DH last night just left him abruptly and got in the bath so son came down to me at 845! I then had to sit for 15 mins until he was nearly asleep!

Agree with your partner to start leaving him for a few minutes at the time then returning… my friend a sleep coach told me this I just need to do it!

To be fair, when I was a child, my mum wouldn't have entertained the idea of staying with me till I was asleep. It was a story and a cuddle and lights off. I don't think this is a new phenomenon

It's up to you whether you want to do tough love - give him a goodnight cuddle and tell him he needs to go to sleep now and then leave. If he screams pop back once to check nothing is actually wrong and then leave him to it. Or you could keep popping back and just tell him to go to sleep from the doorway (although that would have encouraged mine to keep screaming).

Or you can keep cuddling him to sleep until he grows out of it.

Up to you.

I'd just not mention it and pop out to get something, take a bit longer when you do it a few days later.

He's still pretty young, the more pressure you put on the more he will cling.

With lots of things, if you stop stressing he'll stop clinging.

Is he definitely tired when you go up or a bit wired? We cuddle our 5 year old to sleep but he tends to drop off within 10 minutes after a story. We keep things calm after dinner and do some deep pressure if he’s mucking around. My instinct is that 7 is still so small and if he needs a cuddle I’d go with it, but I know friends who that doesn’t work for – they’ve had various rates of success with checking in / audio books / bribery / a cuddle buddy toy / later bedtimes.

Will he ever grow out of it though??

I think you need to approach this in the same way you would approach it with a toddler who is leaning to sleep independently.

Start off in a chair next to the bed holding his had or stroking him or with your hand on his back. Sing if you can. Do that for a while. When is he comfortable with that sit on the chair and don’t touch him just talk or sing. Do that again for a while. Then move the chair slowly away from the bed. Then build up to moving out of the room. Popping out to do something and coming back in a few minutes.

I don’t think you can disciple your way out of this, it’ll just end with everyone feeling bad.

This sounds tough. Self-settling was a goal for us. I could not have stayed an hour like that, no way. Ours managed to go to sleep alone around 4-6 months without distress; I am sure luck played a part too of course.

Could you ask other trusted adults to chat to him? Or ask him what he wants to do. Get him involved in a gradual plan so he has a sense of control? Put a chart up with goals and rewards and stick to it? A new bedroom? I agree you need to work on this x

Another suggestion is that it sound like grandparents are happy to have him sleepover. So send him to sleepover. There's a good chance he might just go to bed with no messing at their house and then you can tell him you expect him to do the same at home.

The poster meant traditionally. Your mum had her way, but traditionally humans all slept together. Separate rooms is a very modern thing.

Your mum's approach may be driving your worry about 'spoiling'.

I think you've reinforced the idea that he needs you there to fall asleep. I would let him read to himself alone in bed for half an hour and then go and tuck him in. One story and then leave.

If he makes a fuss, tell him you will check on him in five minutes and keep doing that, extending the five minutes each time so 10, 15, 20... by that time he will be asleep.

I had a job and a life. No way would I have wanted to stay with my child at this age. My kids had regular sleepovers from age seven with friends too. I am very very close to my young adult kids now.

Staying with a child this age is not a show of love; making him more able to self-settle is absolutely something to be taught now.

How many 30 year olds do you know that still have their mother to cuddle them to sleep? i'm guessing the answer is none.

Amongst those I know that cuddled their children to sleep (and I think they were all co-sleepers, which can make it easier) there were some certainly doing it up to age 10 or thereabouts I think they do hit an age where they realise it is "babyish".

yanbu at all! It’s age appropriate for him to fall asleep without you. Both of mine had been on overnight trips with school by this age. I do agree that announcing it and going cold turkey in one night will result in tears though. I think do the normal bedtime steps as normal then invent things you just have to pop down and do- just need to fold this laundry, just need to finish washing up, just need to tell daddy something, say you will be back in 2/3/4 minutes then actually do come back and check, gradually stretching longer. I think at this age you can talk to him and be honest about what you are doing and why, but offer reassurance that you are still there and will check on him. I can’t remember how old my daughter was but she went though a phase of asking me to draw something on her magnadoodle if she was asleep to ‘prove’ that I had checked on her!

Yeah I think you're right there. I sway between thinking "noone wants to go to bed alone" and "he needs to learn independence"

You are talking about a whole different ball game.

The OP has done seven years - to do a sudden about turn now would be a pretty unreasonable way to treat the kid - the kid has had seven years of being told this way is ok, they are doing nothing other than fitting in with their parents' approach to bedtime.

So now the change needs to be gradual. Or wait for the kid to decide (which will of course happen).

That's a really good plan- a while to wind down by himself and then I pop in and read a story!

It Not objectively a problem to support children to sleep, but it is if it’s a problem for you. f you want to tackle it I’d push bedtime back by the hour it’s taking him to fall asleep. It might be taking him so long because he’s just not tired enough. Having high sleep pressure will also help him to fall asleep on his own. Would something like audiobooks on a Yoto Player help him?