AIBU to expect my seven-year-old to fall asleep independently? Bedtimes takes hours and we are exhausted!

[sleeplessinlondon11]

My just-turned-7 year old lovely boy insists that I cuddle him to sleep, every night. I have tried to say you're a big boy, promised him all sorts of things, the suggestion is met with screaming and crying. The problem is not per se that I have to stay with him- I've got the time and I don't mind- but that I think at this age he should be able to fall asleep himself, after a cuddle and a story. It takes literally 1 hour plus to get him to sleep. My DH and me alternate bedtime and he is saying the same, that we'd like DS to be more independent, after all that's our job as parents! This whole thing also meant that really he has never done a sleepover at grandparents as he appears to need us so much.

AIBU to cut the cord and announce that from today, it's fall asleep yourself after a cuddle and a story?? Or shall I do it more gradually?

Really surprised at some of the responses. I'd support them at aged 2 or 3. But 7? He should be able to go to sleep independently. I would try and break the cycle gradually, by stopping the cuddling to sleep, staying in his room and then popping out and telling him you'll be back in 10 mins etc. As suggested maybe move bedtime later if he's not that tired.

You could read up on how kids develop (not learn or get taught) healthy independence, that might help you feel less worried?

YANBU to expect a 7 year old to fall asleep independently.

YABVVVU to expect your 7 year old to fall asleep independently when you have created this environment.

You can’t support and encourage this for years until you’re full of resentment and want to go cold turkey. This is something you should have nipped in the bud years ago so it never got this far.

We moved story time to the landing (admittedly a bigish one with cushions) at this age as we had moved and they finally had their own rooms. Book on the landing then into bedrooms, kiss and quick cuddle (under 30 seconds sort of thing) then other dc then I “need” to sort the dishwasher, use toilet whatever, pop back after 15 minutes and both would be asleep but it needs to be late enough. I found 8.30 was about the sweet spot, much earlier and I got calls of mama, mama!

My 8 year old still like a cuddle at night and honestly we indulge it until he doesn't want it anymore. He falls asleep fine on cubs camp and at my parents so don't see it as an issue.
We have just started to introduce him trying to put himself to bed while DH puts DD to bed on the nights I am out. DH does go into him afterwards to check on him etc.

I’m a bit confused by people calling him a “tiny child” and “so young” to be falling asleep independently. What on earth would people with more than one child do? I have a 7yo and a 1 year old and I just don’t have the time to be laying in bed until the older one falls asleep. That doesn’t make me cruel or unloving. I think by 7 they should have good sleep hygiene habits and understand how to soothe themselves to sleep. Nothing wrong with a nice cuddle in bed to settle them, but they needn’t be reliant on someone else to be there in order to sleep.

I never cuddled mine to sleep past early babyhood so for my family I definitely expect a 7 year old to fall asleep independently, but I don't think it would be fair to suddenly expect yours to.

If he takes an hour to fall asleep then shift bedtime an hour later. It should take maybe 10-15 minutes to fall asleep. My 8 year old likes to listen to an audiobook after I say goodnight.

Maybe you could go from cuddling to hand holding, to just sitting next to the bed, sitting in the room, sitting outside the door etc.

I agree, and all these posters are not understand how important it is for children to have some independence.

My god this is cruel. ‘Nipped’ what? Being loving to a child and supporting their needs? Im appalled at the responses on this thread. No wonder so many kids have mental health issues with parenrs ignoring them

There are mental health issues because parents are not appropriately supporting their children to be independent in a safe, loving environment.

This kind of sleep intervention is fine until 3 or 4. It is wholly unhealthy at 7.

I’d try later bedtime then gradually withdraw patting on his hand every 5 minutes that gradually increase the time.

Start with no hugging him just sitting with him until he gets used to that. Then sitting in the room but not on his bed until he gets used to that. Then sitting with him for 5 mins then tell him you will be back and just need to check on something and pop out for 5 mins. Then come back. Gradually increase the time away until he gets the hang of falling asleep alone.

Mine is only a toddler so big caveat. We've managed to get him to go to sleep in his crib but one of us still needs to pat him or have a hand on him to get him to sleep. Naps are still either contact or pram.

That said, even though my mum co slept with all three of us, I definitely only remember having my own bed and (shared) room and having to sleep by myself after bath and a story. I do think it seems to be really common for 7, 8, 9, 10 year olds to need to be cuddled to sleep - I do think how will those children do sleepovers or residential school trips? So I don't think YANBU and obv haven't yet done it myself but think pp's suggestion of checking after 5 minutes is a great idea I'm going to steal.

Also I do plan to stop breastfeeding (mine has just turned 16mo) in summer and see around 17-18 months if we can do some gradual retreat / come back in after 1 min, 2 mins etc as my DS has got better at going to sleep in the crib, no crying.

This is what we did. We had no issue with staying with her generally but she wanted to start having sleepovers etc so we thought it would be for the best. Was surprisingly easy in the end. I would just keep her door open and go around doing ‘chores’, wave to her on way past, pop in and give her a cuddle. She’s 7 and goes to bed by herself now, but does appreciate a quick cuddle if you’re going past! She’s had two sleepovers and no issues at all,

We didn't cuddle to sleep but stayed in the room till both of ours were asleep up to about the age of seven. After which they went to sleep by themselves.

We found yotos helpful, they both listen to audiobooks or music as they go to sleep.

I would start by sitting on the end of the bed and go from there. I think cuddling to nothing might be too much.

Agree with a later bedtime too. If it's taking that long to go to sleep he probably needs to go to bed later. At that age we were aiming for around 7.30 to 8pm

Some of the response are a bit harsh. I agree with some that you have let this go on a bit too long, and that a sudden cold turkey isn’t going to work… you’ve (accidentally) conditioned him to believe that he is only capable of going to sleep while he’s being cuddled. You’ve enabled this so it’s unfair to expect him to suddenly figure it out and decide he doesn’t need it any more.

I think a gradual reduction approach would be best. Maybe have a quick cuddle and then say you have to go to the toilet and you’ll be back to check on him in a minute. Then you come back, and you have to pop off again to put some washing away / whatever. You need to create a general atmosphere of being close at hand but getting him used to being in his room alone.

I had this with my 5 year old at the start of the year. Started off sitting next to her bed for a few nights, then sitting across the room, then at her door, then on the landing, then in my room, all for 2-3 nights for each stage. Then probably a week of being downstairs but going up at increasing intervals (5 mins night one, 6 mins night two etc) until she was asleep. Took a couple of weeks but worked well. What I’d also add is that it was important to stick to those 5 mins, or whatever, intervals and commit to what you say you’re going to do.

She does fall asleep within 10-15 mins of lights off though, so I’m not dashing up and down the stairs like a yo-yo in that second week, and I told her proud of her that we were for learning how to go to sleep on her own, so framing as a new achievement rather than how she “should” have been doing something that she’s not.

i just have to work on DH now who doesn’t like to go sleep until I come to bed.

Dear lord.

Thank you all so much, it's very helpful. I think a gradual approach will work best as many of you have suggested. He does only fall asleep at 9:15 at the moment,.and gets up at 7:30- I'll have to do something to make bed time earlier again but it's so hard with the long light days!

I think you need to create a new routine if you want a new routine. It isn’t his fault that something lovely that works so well happens to work so well.

Fwiw, mine is 8 and he technically goes to bed with me in with him. Until 6, I sat with him in his room and now due to complicated sleeping arrangements due to building works, he sleeps in with us anyway so I’m pretty much always there when he falls asleep. But we go to sleep at the same time anyway!

Is it possible his bedtime is too early? At 6, mine was definitely not going to bed before 8:30/9pm.

I think 7 is pretty old to need to be cuddled to sleep but I wouldn’t stop cold turkey. I’d do what others have suggested and pop in every 5 mins or so to check in on him. Then gradually move the 5 mins further apart. That way he knows you’re around and won’t feel alone. I wouldn’t keep cuddling to sleep for hours every night. My in laws did this and my niece still requires them to do it each night and she’s almost ten. The issue now is that she’s going to bed later so they’re losing a good part of their evening each night lying with her because she says she can’t sleep otherwise.

That’s not a worryingly short sleep either. It’s over 10 hours. Make bedtime earlier if you need or want to, but if it helps to keep him up later now, then that’s ok.

No announcement. That is like an invitation to create a fuss.
Story, tuck in. Kiss, nice words nothing long eg. Sleep tight, and lights out and leave.
Personally I wouldn’t keep checking on him every five minutes.

Does he want to be able to stay with grandparents? That is an incentive for stopping this behaviour, a reward.

I would try a later bedtime. Sit in the room reading by yourself on your phone/kindle rather than actively cuddling. Is he afraid of something or just not tired enough?