AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

What date was she due to stay until?

I'm so sorry,OP. That's an absolute tsunami of emotions you had to grapple with and he should have had your back. Personally I wouldn't be able to get past this. I hope you're doing better.

I understand your reasons, having lost both my parents over the last few years. But it would have been awful to send his mum away to an empty house. It might have been better for you to go if you wanted some space?

I think it was the 30th, his brother was then home and she was going there for New Year.

I’m really sorry for your loss and by Christmas it was still very raw I imagine. I’m not sure I could easily forgive my husband for saying those things to me on a good day but to say that when the person on the receiving end is suffering already is beyond the pale. Truly punching down.

It seems a bit mean to put his mum in a house alone. Yes it wasn't Christmas day but she is not in her home town or country so it probably would have been a bit off.
Separately you were struggling and so it probably in hindsight wasnt ideal for you to host given the circumstances. Your feelings and want for space were very understandable... it was just hard to solve for everyone.
It is now June. I wonder why this is still playing on your mind ? Are there other things going on ?

I sympathise with you but can see why your DH didn't want to send his mum to an empty house.

I didn't really consider that as I guess I still wanted my partner around for support but more space so I could grieve more openly rather than being alone upstairs, If i went there alone then I think I may of felt more alone in a home that wasn't mine if that makes sense.

Very sorry for your loss and I can see how having visitors for so long would be overwhelming. And sorry your dp wasn't supportive in trying to find a solution.

But honestly I don't think I could ask a parent who came from abroad to see me over Christmas to go and stay in an empty house. And the Spanish people I know are so family orientated, it would be unheard of for them.

Honestly, I really really empathise with you.
I also lost my Mum last year while 6 months pregnant, I was 32 and she was 57. I wouldn’t have coped in your situation and your partner’s words were disgusting.
You weren’t remotely unreasonable to ask for space in your own home at such an awful time. The grief can be utterly consuming.

How have things been between you and your partner since?
How are you coping with baby?

I just don't think I ever really got over it, his brothers house is very familiar to his Mum and wouldn't of been for a long time so I didn't really see an issue to try and help me. For me, as his partner who is also heavily pregnant I guess I assumed given the circumstances I would of been put first, or maybe as a woman his Mum would of went there anyway as she could see how hard I was finding it. I think it all just really hurt me at such a difficult time so it is still on my mind.

Oh god, what a difficult situation. I think if there was anyone else for her to spend Christmas with, it would have been better not to host at all. But I would struggle with the idea of sending someone to an empty house when they were visiting overseas, especially at Christmas.

Did your DH try to be there for you in different ways? I would have expected him to do all the hosting and to have made the time as easy as possible for you. Was your MIL supportive and understanding?

Sorry for your loss but sending his mum to an empty house at Christmas feels wrong especially as she come to visit you. A gentle yabu.

They aren't spanish, she just chose to relocate there, she visits very often, maybe 6 times a year.

Honestly, if the roles were reversed I would not have sent my mum away from my home if she’d been invited to stay until the 30th and it was over Christmas.

I would absolutely have tried to make things easier for my grieving partner, such as taking everyone out for the day, giving them space at home, doing the majority of the housework and also making sure they were fed, loved and had time to talk to me. I’d also like to think that I’d have had a conversation before the visit to check my partner was still prepared to go ahead. But no, I wouldn’t have sent my mum away at short notice over Christmas to an empty house, especially when there were only 2 days left of the visit.

I don’t know what was said by your partner and what has been said since then, but I would suggest looking at the relationship as a whole and making a decision on that. If you feel he does over-prioritise his family that’s a bigger issue than this one isolated incident. But if overall the relationship is good and this didn’t really affect the grieving process in any real sense I’d try to move on.

I understand it's a difficult situation that's why I persevered over Xmas and just cried alone upstairs when it got too much, but come December 28th i felt like i could suggest it then.

MIL wasn't overly supportive, didn't say too much.

I can understand both sides.
I would have asked your partner before to cancel the trip. It’s a bit late when she was already there.
I completely understand why you would feel letdown, losing your mother is a crushing feeling. I’m sorry for your loss.
Are you expected to have MIL visit every Christmas for over 5 days? I wouldn’t have that every year, visit no problem over Christmas but stay in a hotel room the other nights. I’d never impose on someone like that.

I think this was a difficult situation, and overall I don't think sending his mum to an empty house for two nights would have made a great deal of difference to how shitty you were feeling at the time, practically. I would have found that difficult to do, so while he didn't deal with it well and said things that have hurt you, he might have just felt stuck in the middle and had to make a call.

Having her visit wasn't ideal timing, I think what might be more interesting for me would be did you tell your DP that you wanted the house to yourselves over Christmas and to let her know not to come to visit? And if so, how he dealt with that.

No he didn't cover himself in glory and I would be keeping an eye on that down the line, but I would try to let this go for the greater good and work out what's getting you stuck on this, if you can't, maybe with some help.

Do they stay with you every time they visit?

The grief really was consuming, on top of pregnancy hormones etc it was a really difficult one to navigate.

I guess I was under the same thoughts that I wasn't being unreasonable, she had already spent a number of days with us and I was spending most of the time upstairs alone so I felt okay to ask, she chose to relocate to spain but still visits 6/7 times a year, sometimes for four weeks at a time.

So sorry you went through such an awful loss too.

She has just now started to split her time with the Brothers but for the past few years it was always us, sometimes 3/4 weeks at a time.

I guess considering Christmas had passed that they wouldn't of minded just for a day or two so I could gather myself and have the full support of my partner.

Sorry for context she is English, she just relocated to spain to enjoy retirement, she has her own car here etc that she leaves at ours because she visits regularly.

Op sorry but I couldn’t have sent mil away only two days before she would be leaving anyway but I understand your situation

just an awful one all round for everyone.

I hope your on the mend now

I am so sorry for your loss. While I do think that it would be mean to send your partner's Mom away to an empty house. I would have expected your partner to take her out for the days etc though

What is worrying is your partners comment about not putting you first over his family. How is your relationship now?

I don't understand why everyone is saying you couldn't have asked her to leave. We are not talking of a little old lady in her 90's. We are talking of someone who travels regularly and presumably has plenty of friends in the UK. I think the fact your DH said he would never put you ahead of his mother would make me LTB