AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

For crying out loud, the mother is a grown woman (who it sounds like lives abroad on her own anyway), a day or two on her own AFTER spending five dats over Xmas with OP and her DP should have been bearable.

However your grief affected you, it was really unreasonable that his mum should have been punished and sent away as a result.

Sometimes you have to accept some very difficult situations which are the results of your feelings rather than expect others to make allowances that mean their feelings are ignored.

In any case, it was 6 months ago. Why are you letting this unpleasant time get to you again?

I think it was unreasonable.
She came over to see her son, and his partner. It was agreed and booked. Why would she or your partner want her to stay alone?
It’s fine to grieve, it’s fine to find things difficult, but sometimes you can’t just take things out on others.
Your partner still has his mother alive, that’s not his fault, nor is it yours. It doesn’t mean he should have to minimise his relationship with her.
My DH lost his mum when our DC was a baby and thankfully he has never tried to put a wedge between me and mine in order to make himself feel better.

They had spent Xmas together...

Correct, I don't know your full experience. But I was offering a different perspective for your partner needs.
It's a shit situation, I never for one minute suggested that 2 months is enough time to grieve. Just that he may have also needed support, but take it as you wish.

I wouldn’t be with a spouse who expected me to send my own mother away to an empty house when she was visiting over Christmas, especially after I’d just spend at least three months doing everything I could to support them in their grief.

It’s a really sad and difficult situation but I see from the OP’s posts that she would only have to endure it for a couple of days more, until the 30th, when the MIL was due to move on anyway.
I don’t think the OP was unreasonable at all in wanting some respite from guests but with the above in mind, there may have been other ways to achieve it.
Meeting a close friend outside the house, or going to their house, going for a walk or a swim, just going for a coffee on your own, or finding any activity that you find absorbing or can use as a distraction. Just having a break either on your own or with sympathetic company.

No, BIL and SIL had already made a note that there house was free if MIL needed to go there, I guess as a subtle hint.

Kindly OP, I feel that you are perhaps not in the right head space for opinions that don't agree with your POV. I don't think AIBU is the right place to post as you clearly do not think you were being unreasonable and will not consider other opinions.

I can’t imagine being the MIL in this situation and not checking in about how it would be for the OP to host me given her very recent loss and pregnancy. And not doing my utmost to be supportive, especially seeing her withdraw upstairs to cry in her own house. And shame on the husband for his awful comments and not doing more to manage the situation. Why was the OP doing the cooking, for example? If he has been more proactive and supportive, the OP might not have reached the point she did where it all become so horribly overwhelming. It sounds like he just expected her to suck it up so that he and his family could enjoy their Christmas with no regard for the extreme emotional turmoil she was experiencing.

im so sorry OP for you loss, especially when pregnant. Life can be so cruel and I wish you all the best.

Well yes, you were asking him to choose.

No I am trying to give more context and put my side across, I thought that's what happened in discussions.

For crying out loud, the mother is a grown woman (who it sounds like lives abroad on her own anyway), a day or two on her own AFTER spending five dats over Xmas with OP and her DP should have been bearable
On the other hand, mil probably paid quite a lot of money to come over the Xmas period. Was told, in all likelihood that it was ok to so before she booked.

She probably would have struggled to understand why her dil grief, 2 months later, would have been such 3 days after Xmas, that she wanted her kicked out of the home she had been invited to to then spend two days or at least evenings on her own. We don't know her situation at home. Maybe she's very lonely herself in Spain. We don't know her own situation. Maybe she finds the Xmas period very hard too.

Not sending his mum to an empty house that would have been very mean.

I don't think I would disappear knowing my DIL was upset upstairs. I would certainly send my son to be with her, and I might try to keep out of the way for a few hours, but I think just running away would be very odd.

Yes people are different and some may feel that an extra 2 days together would make little difference as opposed to the impact of asking her to leave.
I can emphasise with the overwhelming feelings of grief and despair and the need to cry your heart out. I have been there but those emotions can be managed. I will spare you the details of the specifics but I have taken walks, phoned the samaritans, prayed in church and elsewhere in an attempt to dilute the rawness and pain.
You need to start renewing your relationship with your partner.

I'm sorry you were going through grief OP and I understand yearning for alone time.
I do think that's unfortunately an example of handling to "take it.upon yourself " and plod on.

Your partner was not insisting you spent the time downstairs hosting his mum. He gave you the space but hosting a parent for a week over Christmas when they come from abroad - it would have been totally wrong to cut the visit short.
It's probably also unfair of upu to expect to have your partner's full support and attention over a period of time like that. Very sadly, we all.lose our parents at some stage and as hard as it is, we have to find a way of managing the sadness.

What is brought this up again so much after the fact?

This is the thing, I wouldn't of had to ask my Mum to leave she would of gave the space freely and if my partner was in a bad way I would definitely have a gentle conversation with my Mum and she would of then been mortified, as a woman and mother herself she would of understood the needs of another woman.

But I can see this discussion has a real split.

Tbh I wouldn't be with a spouse who put his mum ahead of me his wife. End off
Not so good when your relationship breaks down (after all, theres almost 50% chance that will happen) and your mum isn't interested in picking you up afterwards because you considered them not to be as important before!

There isn't a reason I guess, it has just played on my mind a lot so I thought to seek outside opinions, it was a really hurtful time for me that plays on my mind.

It's very easy to decide that your mother would have decided essentially to go along with you, but I seriously doubt that if she had travelled over from abroad to stay with you you would have sent her away to an empty house when the alternative was just waiting a couple of days.

I think it was unreasonable to expect a guest to leave early and go to an empty house alone.

However I think your partner should have been kinder about it and supported you both equally.

“me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum”

^^ What a bloody awful thing to say to someone in the depths of grief after loosing their own mum.

It would be YABU for actually sending her away- I don’t think it would be fair to her. However, YANBU for suggesting it whilst in that state of mind and your “d”H should have been far more supportive and understanding, he could have rejected the idea far more gently.