AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

Thank you, I think people have really overlooked that in seeing the way I was obviously not being supported at all.

You have the patience of a saint. We could all live abroad if we had a second home at the expense of your children.
Going forward the time has come for change. Start putting your foot down.

The MIL was planning to stay with them for 7 days. I see letting her stay 5 and asking for a space back for 2 days as pretty good compromise
Yes if this has been the agreement from the start. Not when it means the mil had to spend two days alone.

It sounds like mil is already living alone, so spending time with her beloved is probably a very big deal to her.

@Marygirlllll90 people are being bizarrely harsh.
Someone for the uk who is well enough to drive and visit 6 times a year does not need to stay for 4 weeks at a time.
all the people saying your Mil would have supported you have obvious not picked up on this is not a woman who would do that.
for your partner to say he would choose his family over you whilst pregnant, is unthinkable and unforgivable. I’m so sorry he said to you that his family were more important than you and the baby.
that is the issue and I think when you asked for space to not be stuck upstairs in your own home he should have facilitated supporting you more, I’m so sorry.

Totally, if it had been decided before she arrived - “OP only has the energy and space for a short visit this Christmas” is absolutely fine. I don’t think it’s a reasonable compromise (or even a compromise) to spring an early departure on a guest in the middle of a planned trip.

Hosting comes with duties to guests that override feelings of suddenly wanting your house empty, you really do just need to suck it up and make space for yourself in other ways, like long walks or suddenly needing to do an errand that involves you being gone for 5 hours and just lying in the sauna at your gym/sitting in your car eating McDonalds lol.

I have tried to chat about it a few times but it just comes back to he would of never asked her to leave and that's that.

The context isn't much more with the comments, this was said when I suggested could he chat to his Mum and see if she would mind going there a little early. BIL and SIL had already made it clear there house could be used if needed over Xmas.

Thanks for your input.

You don’t know that he didn’t consider her feeling at all. He may have done plenty to be supportive and he just want prepared to upset his mother by sending her away to an empty house when she was visiting for Christmas. That doesn’t make him an unsupportive partner.

Special time! FFS.
His mums spends several months a year in their home. She just had been there for 5 days.
He could have visited her/take her out from the brothers house easily enough.

In a normal scenario, she would have her own home to go back into, but she decided to have one in Spain instead and use their home as her base. She needs to accept it won't always work 100%.

Yes, in this scenario it's ok to ask one's mum to give them some space and if she gets "hurt" it's her issue/her emotional blackmail.

With kindness OP, you’re the one who’s not grasping the position he would have been put in if he went along with your request. He’d be stuck in a lose-lose situation no matter what: if he sent his mother away he’d be a dick, if he sent you away he’d be a dick.

There’s only been one situation where i begrudgingly arranged for my mother to leave early, and it was because of my DD. And only because she was a kid. I would 100% not do it for a partner.

Saying it was the 28th also doesn’t necessarily apply, ie for me the holiday period runs from the 24th to the 31st.

I’m very sorry for your loss but in this case I think YABU. It’s the grief talking.

Going forward the time has come for change. Start putting your foot down
Foot down on what? Suggesting OP becomes controlling and gives ultimatums? That's the best way to end a relationship.

I have to be honest had I been in your MIL situation and I had been asked to leave I would have been very upset and I think it would have permanently tarnished my relationship with you. In fact I would rather have gone to a hotel than to someone else's empty house, there's nothing more miserable than sitting in a house decorated for Christmas on your own which is why I never let my mother be on her own for Christmas. Yes the actual day was over but the days after can be quite odd.

Put your foot down if she asks to stay again for longer than a day or two.

6 times a year, weeks at a time.
She is a bloody freeloading CF. She didn’t comfort OP or ensure she had plenty of space, her needs, her wants, her son. OP it’s your home too.

How near is his brother’s house? If DH could have gone there and make it was warm, her bed was made and there food for her the I think YNBU.

Was there nobody in your family who you could have turned to for support while your partner was having time with his family? Why was it all totally on him to give you support?

But I don’t think even this is the issue. You: raised to believe the family you create takes priority over the one you come from. Him: raised to believe the family you come from takes priority over the one he was creating with you. This is SUCH a huge discrepancy that I don’t know how a relationship would survive under these terms. This is why you’re steeling thinking about this 6 months on; this is why it’s a tricky situation because there are people like you and like him all over. They’re fundamentally totally incompatible. I too was raised to think that the family you create comes first - it has to when you have children, and any decent parent and grandparent would know this. You weren’t a parent at Christmas so not applicable, but you should ask your partner now who he would prioritise: his child, the mother of his child or his mother and in which order. The answer will tell you what you need to know about your future with him.

Put your foot down if she asks to stay again for longer than a day or two
Why? If my oh told me my parents could only stay two days in our home and that was that, I'd be out of way myself. How controlling!

He also told her that she’d soured his Christmas by being upset.

can you point out the parts of this post that show how supportive he is/was?
I can’t seem to find them.

I'm very sorry you have had a difficult time. One of my parents died when i was 28 a couple of months before Christmas when my first child was a few months old and the other when I was in my 50s again just before Christmas. So I think I have some idea about how awful it has been for you.
But I think it was unreasonable to expect your mother in law who has visited from overseas to stay in a different house and spend the time between Christmas and New year alone. I can understand how your partner felt and why he didn't ask her to do that.
Sometimes we just have to deal with what has happend and park our feelings for a little while to think about the living. It was wrong of your partner to say he wouldn't put you before his mother that must have been very hurtful but it would have also been wrong to ask her to stay somewhere else alone, presumably in a city/town that is not familiar to her.

Fair enough - I had also wondered if BIL and SIL would have been happy with that (I certainly wouldn't ..... ) but it sounds like they were

Maybe instead of making the conversation about her leaving, it would be constructive to bury that - ie say that you can now understand why he didn’t want to do that, but that you are actually pretty upset with how he handled supporting you in general.

He could have said “I am so so sorry that you are finding Christmas hard, and I totally understand that you want your space right now, unfortunately I absolutely can’t ask my mum to leave. But is there anything else I can do to help you? Can I book you a day at a spa so you can have some time to yourself, can i help you pretend you have Covid and we will “quarantine” you up here and I’ll drop meals so you have space” etc etc, so many options were available to him that would have helped you whilst keeping his mum there.

I don’t think it’s the not asking his mum to go that’s the problem, it’s the fact that he seemed quite callous and uncaring about your plight.

Maybe that’s what you actually need to address with him?

This isn't a normal hosting scenario.
The MIL decided she doesn't need a home at the UK and spends months in the OP's one. She isn't a rare guest, she is someone using the space very often.

If she can't show a tiny bit of flexibility when her presence is inconvenient for a very valid reason, she needs to plan to stay elsewhere the next time and only visit for a shorter time in a full guest mode.

I’m sorry you were struggling OP but I do agree it would have been unreasonable to send her away.

Presumably he had been supporting you up until this point, and perhaps actually after all of that he also needed and wanted to spend the time with his own mum. If he hadn’t been supportive up until this point then frankly that’s your much bigger issue and the one you should be thinking about.

Perhaps seeing you lose your mum has also given him a bit of a shock and the realisation has hit that he won’t have his mum forever either and so off the back of those emotions he didn’t want to give up the time with her.

Agree with this. It was a horrible position to put your husband in OP. I am very sorry for your loss though

This thread really show how self centered some young women can be. It's about their feelings and everyone should ensure their feelings are considered regardless of everyone else's because their feelings are just more important.

Then we have posts after posts about partners who don't abide to all their wishes, mils who don't live them and do as they're told. Parents who are horrible for not babysitting.

They constantly feel hard done by by others and can't see that it's because of how they expect everyone to please them before anyone else, let alone themselves.

Exactly.
I don’t understand why posters are defending this, It isn’t normal to invite yourself to someone’s home for a week several times a year, unless you are a cheeky fuck of course.