AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

If I was your mother-in-law, I would give you a big hug and absolutely respect your need for space. I would gauge whether you wanted to talk about your lovely mum and your feelings, or not and then act accordingly. I would absolutely not assume that you could host me for days on end in your mental and physical condition. I would try and look after you if you wanted that. I’m sorry if your mother-in-law was not nurturing to you.X

I knew she visited but had no idea how regularly or for the length of time. I have spoke to my partner about this and asked why he wasn’t more honest with me before I sold my home & moved in & he said because I probably wouldn’t have chosen to move in then.

No surprises there!

The last part is your opinion & that’s absolutely fine.

OP if you were my friend and telling me everything that you have put down in this thread about your situation, my advice would be to focus on the bigger problem in your relationship and honestly in your shoes I don’t know that I would want to stay in this relationship.

The incident at Christmas are more of a symptom of a problem than the actual problem which is, in a nutshell, that you’ve had a baby with someone without the protection of marriage, without the protection of having any legal say over the house you live in, with a man who has very different ideas about what relationship with MIL should look like like, what he wants life to look like, and because you don’t have any of those protections you’re in a position where actually it’s all up to him and you’re along for the ride, happy or not. On top of that, you also have a partner who you say can’t communicate and when challenged just tells you to f off. If nothing else you absolutely need to take some control back here, if you still have the money from your house sale then I’d use that money to buy yourself a house, in your own name, and then not only do you have a space that is yours but you also have an investment in the same way he currently does and it means when if or when you reach a point (if not there yet) where you realise this really isn’t the way you want to spend your life, you have a pathway out.

Agreed x

Totally agreed.

thank you x

Did you miss the fact that MiL spends around six months of the year with OP and her DP ? How much time is enough ?

Firstly telling a new mum with obvious MH problems to grow up is horrible. You should be ashamed of yourself. And secondly you clearly missed that MiL spends around six months of the year with OP and her DS. How much is enough ? When does OP get some time for herself ?

Where on earth have you got that from? She visits the UK 6/7 times a year, spending 4-6 weeks in the Summer. She splits her time between OP and partner and his two brothers houses.

Whatever 'stuff' OP's partner may have had going on in his life, I would stake my life on the fact that it wouldn't even come close to the stress and pain that OP was going through being heavily pregnant and grieving her mum who had died only three months earlier. Imagine OP's first Christmas without her mum with a partner who puts his mum way above OP in his list of priorities.

OP is much more mature than her twat of a partner. He is the one that needs to grow up, not OP. Hopefully when she visits her dad, she can come up with a plan to separate with help from her dad who understands what a deeply selfish man his poor daughter has had a child with.

As well as kicking OP when she is down, do you also enjoy pulling the wings off flies? You seem to have quite a deliberately cruel streak when responding to OP. I find it quite distasteful and unnecessary.

OP was six months pregnant when her mum died, three months before Christmas. That would make her nine months' pregnant at Christmas. I think that OP can very reasonably and truthfully say that she was heavily pregnant. You completely got the facts wrong in your haste to take OP down a peg or two but even if she was six months pregnant, lots of women would consider themselves to be heavily pregnant. To use this against OP by calling her 'attention seeking' is cruel and heartless.

OP's precious little family is really herself, her baby and her dad. Her partner is as callous as you and she would be better off without him.

From the OP:

she chose to relocate to spain but still visits 6/7 times a year, sometimes for four weeks at a time

OP has also said the 4-6 weeks is in the summer. The last three times she mentioned have been for 1 week, 10 days and 10 days. she also splits her time between her three sons.

saying she stays with them for 6 months out of the year is just weird.

I can't believe some of the heartless comments here.

OP, the MIL should have offered to stay elsewhere when she heard about your mum. I think it's odd thay she still came.

I can see why you're still thinking about this. Sending hugs.

The hypocrisy of @Loopylalalou is mind blowing

Bit of an odd one as sounds like you are only interested in the feedback that agrees with you, but your situation will be far more complex than your post and there will be two sides to this story and two people each with their own needs. Does sound like counselling would be of benefit to help you with your grief and find perspective.

2 sides to the story? her mum died, she wanted to deal with this grief and was not supported in this. what other side is there?

Her AIBU is was she unreasonable to ask her partner to send her MIL away. Not was she unreasonable to feel the way she felt.

People can feel for her, think her partner was unsupportive and still think that telling her partner to remove his mum after she's been invited to stay with them was an awful thing to do.

I lost my mum at Christmas years ago, it's a horrible time, but the world carries on turning unfortunately, and even though I've been through that experience, I would be disgusted if my partner insisted on sending my mum to an empty house at Christmas just so they could have my 'full attention' for two days. I would say no too.

I think it's odd that the mil didn't offer to leave her in peace. I would. We all handle grief differently. Like the OP, I would want to be alone. And she asked her partner, not the partner's mum directly. Her partner should know it's a time of unique circumstances and therefore not an unreasonable request.

I don't think it's complex at all, it's actually quite simple.