AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

I'm interested in what he's like outside of this particular difficult period? How have things been since, is he supportive of you while you navigate the early months of motherhood without your mum in general?

Full sympathise with you, but it would of been really cold of him to send his mum to a empty house over christmas. Yabu.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 6 years ago and fully understand the need to be alone, and even now Christmas can still be a triggering time for me.
I don’t think I’d have asked MIL to leave at that point, but I would have expected your DP to do all the hosting, suggest they all go out at times to give you space, and to be generally supportive to you. It’s terrible what he said to you though.

I'm sorry for your loss but I think you were unreasonable to suggest that your MIL went and spent time alone in another house. It would have been better not to have hosted her at all but hindsight is a great thing.

It was a really difficult situation and I would have expected my partner to do a bit more to keep her entertained and take her out for blocks of time so you had some space at home.

Was be more supportive when his mum wasn’t there? I do think it is unreasonable to assume people knew you weren’t coping ( unless you clearly spelt it out to them, disappearing upstairs should have been a clue but had you been social over Christmas. ) I don’t think asking his mum to leave early and stay in an empty house was reasonable, you could have asked for more time alone with your partner. What he said is beyond cruel. But your chance to change plans was before she came over

It did cause an issue though, and you are refusing to see that and using your pregnancy as an excuse.

I understand that the combination of grief over your mother, Christmas and pregnancy would have been especially difficult to cope with, but it is not a reason for your husband to treat his mother badly. Having to go upstairs to cry is not something terrible.

No it wasn't that else I would of asked her not to come at all, I persevered through all of Christmas, cooked her dinner etc and then by December 28th I was exhaused and spending majority of time in bed alone as it was too overwhelming and I just wanted time with my partner and his full support.

I’m so sorry for your loss. This is a true rock and a hard place for all involved! You have the right to be able to grieve in peace in your own home however you can’t possibly expect DP to send his Mum off to his brothers house where she would be on her own! However given that you where struggling it may have been better if DP took his mum out for some of the day to give you some space in the house, although that may have been tricky around Xmas with the weather and places being busy with the sales and everyone off work.

And despite what anyone else says, that's totally reasonable.

Nah, I’m 100% with you OP.

as it was the 28th and your BIL was due back on the 30th she would have been alone for a day and a half. And by alone, I mean with use of a car to get her anywhere she wanted, in a city she knows well, with presumably lots of other people she knows as well.

and no, the OP would not have done that to her own mother, because as she has already stated, her own mother was capable of reading a room and would have excused herself.
yes, in an ideal world OP could have attempted to cancel the Christmas visit before hand, but as she’s already said, the intensity of the grief she felt over Christmas surprised her.
What your partner said was unforgivable imo.
if you cannot rely on him to put you first when you are at your very worse, when can you?

how have you been since the baby OP?

Okay i think we have very different morals.

His Mum had spent a lovely Christmas with us, we cooked her dinner etc and I just don't think going to another house 7 minutes away so I could have space and time alone is unreasonable.

As his mother has lots of family to
visit if either her or her son had had the sense they were born with , she would have popped in for seasonal greetings and then fucked off to spend Christmas with other relatives.

Thank you, I think we have the same opinion.

I didn't cancel her coming beforehand as I felt that wasn't kind and I tried to persevere but by the 28th I was just really struggling and she had already had a lovely Christmas with us.

Haven't been the best but my baby is definitely a little Angel that has helped me tremendously.

Your partner is a disgrace. It’s not like it was Xmas day!

Sorry you’ll always be second fiddle to his mummy. I could not be with someone like that. You weren’t up to hosting any more as you had nothing to give.

Tbh I wouldn't be with a spouse who put his mum ahead of me his wife. End off.

If your mum passed in tbe October then your partner would presumably have spent 2 months supporting you. It can be difficult being the person that needs to hold another up during their grief.

He may have felt he needed a support system in his mum.

Important to acknowledge that we all say things in the heat of the moment that we regret. OP's partner has acknowledged this.
OP, it is very important that you try to get past this for the benefit of all, including your baby.
I hope you are getting some support.

I'm actually quite shocked by some of the responses and the voting split. If my partner had been in this situation, my mum would have had the emotional intelligence not to even consider imposing over xmas so soon after such a loss (- would it really have been too difficult for her to stay with you partner's sibling/an airbnb this one year?), and she would certainly have understood if she'd been asked to give us some space by going to a familiar house only a day or two earlier than planned. Plus xmas had been and gone by this point, so it wasn't as though you were trying to turf her out on xmas day! Sorry you went through this OP, I think your partner (and his mother) behaved very insensitively, and your feelings are justified.

Yes I agree with you. OPs partner should have been doing all the cooking.
If I was in the MILs situation I would have left anyway.
We visit adult children most years for Christmas and always stay in an hotel. We always give them some time on Christmas morning to have family time opening stockings, presents etc. Εven if I was on my own, I would still stay in an hotel.

I just don't agree that having a gentle conversation and MIL going somewhere for a day or two is mean, she had already spent 5 days with us and had a lovely Christmas.

I know that I would be out the door in a second If i was in someones home and knew they were upstairs crying and I was downstairs, but i guess people are just dfferent.

It is a reasonable way to feel, but that does not make it reasonable to ask a partner to send his own mum away to stay in an empty house when she is over visiting for Christmas.

What if the brother and his partner would have been uncomfortable with her staying in their house alone? I’m pretty certain that AIBU would t have worked out in favour of the OP. ‘ AIBU to say no to my MIL saying in our house alone at short notice when we are away visiting other family for Christmas just because my SIL, who invited our MIL to stay, now wants her house and her partner to herself?’

Also I can see where he gets its from if the selfish woman didn’t even think to suggest she not impose/impose less.

Wow, two whole months of supporting his grieving, heavily pregnant partner.

do you have a medal to send him, or shall I sort it out?

Yes, but the mother could have stayed with the brother/in an Airbnb nearby and still provided emotional support, no? And 2 months is not a long time to grieve a parent.

That's just your assumption.