AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

Sorry OP, it sounds really hard what you went through and I do feel for you however it would’ve been very wrong to send his mum to an empty house over the Christmas period, so I agree with him refusing to do this. I don’t agree with his comments to you though.

Yeah I feel this is where its difficult, he also thinks mean to ask her to go there but not mean to leave me upstairs in tears. It's a really tough situation, she is English and has a car here etc as she visits often, she just relocated to Spain to enjoy retirement, lots of family up north etc.

The relationship isn't great and I think on my side there is a build up on resentment as in my opinion, my Mum would of read the room a little and left by herself if she had seen someone in such bad grief rather than stay in their space.

It's a hard situation.

While you deserve support with your grief, your grief shouldn’t put your husband in a position where he is expected to treat his own mother badly, and it would have been treating her badly to ask her to stay in a house alone when she was visiting him from another country for Christmas.

Maybe plan a shorter visit for this year, or plan somewhere that you can go if being with family is too difficult for you. Don’t try and cause issues for your husband and MIL, because that is selfish and unnecessary.

Yeah, I guess I just thought 28th December had xmas out the way etc and that's why i persevered through the key dates until being alone upstairs just got a little too much, perhaps I just needed my partners full attention and support which I couldn't of got with other people in our home.

I am sorry for your loss but I think YABU.

Awful situation OP, but I reckon you haven't chosen a good man.
His priority should have been you and it wasn't.
You have had one child with him?
Be very very slow to have another.

I aggo kind man would have 100% prioritised you, pregnant and grieving.

Be very wary.

I think you were unreasonable. I’m sorry for your loss. If you haven’t already, maybe some bereavement counselling might help?

however you can’t send his mum to an empty house over Christmas. No matter what the circumstances.
reverse the situation. Could you have done the same to your own mum?

You know how you were upset over your mum?

well.. that woman you wanted to evict over Christmas is… his mum!

think about it for half a second.

he also thinks mean to ask her to go there

Your DH is right, it would have been mean, and rude, and it would not have made your grief any less.

It wasn't trying to cause an issue? It was trying to get a hold of my grief whilst heavily pregnant.

It was December 28th and MIL is from our city, has a car etc, has more family here, it is just that his Brothers house is very close but yes was empty until they returned.

I feel really sorry for you in this situation. With hindsight it would have been best if she hadn’t visited at all last Christmas as you were pregnant and had just lost your mum. It’s understandable that it was overwhelming and people who haven’t lost their mum just don’t understand, eg your partner. However I couldn’t have asked her to leave and go and stay in an empty house.

What is concerning is that this is still bothering you so much now, 6 months later. I hope you are ok and have someone to talk to about your mum and your grief.

He shouldn’t have been put into a position where anyone needed to be prioritised. He was capable of being kind to his wife and his mother at the same time, and it’s not his fault or responsibility if his wife makes unreasonable, unkind demands that impact other people.

I wasn't 'upset over my Mum' - My mum had died.

His Mum had just spent 5 days with us and enjoyed all of Christmas whilst I was in a pit of grief and heavily pregnant.

I don't really understand your aggressive tone to such a sensitive subject, MIL wasn't being evicted, it would of been a gentle conversation of how I was feeling and as future Grandma to my baby I would of thought she would of understood, I would never in my life want anyone to feel the way I was.

I must be in the minority here. His mum travelled from abroad imo it would have been unthinkable to ask her to leave early and go and stay in an empty house for 2 days whilst she waits for the occupants to come home. Obviously what he said was insensitive. His mum will die one day too and how will he feel looking back that he did that to her.

I think you should have cancelled her staying before she arrived. Respectfully your mum died 3 months before this visit was due. You must have known it would be a struggle.

Either that or suggested you get a hotel for those last few days so you could have your privacy.

If your mum was still here would you have kicked her out your home 3 days after Xmas and left her alone in a foreign country when she had planned in advance to be with you?

I see your partners POV having been in a very similar situation to you (cared for and lost my Dad on 23 December, 3 months pregnant). I'd also already lost my Mum the previous year and my husband subconsciously i think, made more of an effort to see his parents as I think it dawned on him they wouldn't always be around. It might have also had that effect on your partner?
However....we all handle grief differently so my opinion is that there isn't a right or wrong answer here. What is clearly wrong was what he said to you, that was not ok and I hope it was just heat of the moment. Hope you are doing ok, it's a rubbish situation.

This

To be honest, as you were struggling, she shouldn't have come at all. Your husband should have supported you because it must have been clear to him to see you were having a tough time of it and stopped the visit. I hope you told him too, so no misunderstanding.

To say the comments he said was pretty terrible. You never asked him to chose between you and his family, you asked for space at a difficult time in your own home.

Sorry about your mum OP, it's really hard when they go.

So is being kind to your wife leaving her upstairs in floods of tears whilst downstairs with your Mum?

I don't think you're fully grasping the situation if i'm honest and just putting a super harsh view on it.

Hi OP, I am so sorry for the loss of your mum at this time and can emphasise at the tsunami of emotions.
That said, I think you were being unreasonable to expect your partner's mum to move out of your house on a specific day.
Sounds harsh but true.
Sending you strength OP

Does this mean that she stays with you often.

Nothing to think about as no comparison.
One was going 2 days early, the other has died.

Plus, think about it - it's not a pissing competition.

It sounds a bit like you were struggling with not having your mum there so wanted to deny him having his.
It's a horrible situation but I think your request was a little unreasonable because of the heads pace you were in.

Thank you, i think this is the thing, I absolutely was not asking him to choose, MIL had spent Christmas with us, we cooked her dinner etc I just needed some space at a difficult time and needed my partners full support and more one on one time with him I guess.

Come on. That’s really unkind given that the OP has recently lost her mum while pregnant. She’s not just upset, she’s grieving.

While I sympathize a lot with you, it really would have been an awful thing to do to your MIL.

She is his mother. Their Christmases are also numbered. Sending her away after she travelled over to spend Christmas together would have been really shit. Imagine MIL dies next year. He will never forgive you if you send her away.

Pregnancy and grief is not a pass to be mean to someone else.