AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

I think ultimately this thread is not about this particular situation, and it’s not really what’s bothering you deep down, especially not 6 months on - but more about how he didn’t support you in your grief, and how your relationship has been since, including since having the baby. I think that matters a whole lot more than this one scenario, as if everything else was good you would have been able to discuss and resolve it, but I think you are unable to let it go as that has never happened. I’m guessing with every other unreasonable or uncaring thing your husband does or every time you have had reason to feel unsupported, which is pretty much at its ultimate peak when you have a newborn with very many men, it just brings up all those same feelings. You need to have a proper discussion about that, not the Christmas situation.

I do think if I was your MIL I’d leave without being asked once l could see how upset you were, and actually would not think it was right to go at all if I knew how much you were grieving as I’m not completely emotionally clueless - what pregnant grieving woman wants someone to host over Christmas, unless you’re really close? I’m guessing that’s what upset you even more, as it would have really highlighted that your MIL is not and never could be anything like your mother and it highlighted more starkly how much you missed your own mum and would miss her more and more as you got close to having your baby.

I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you can either resolve things with your husband or leave.

But I know my children would put their OHs first. That is absolutely the way it should be. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t support my children if they needed it.

Your Mum should always be interested in picking you up, and should never be expected to be put first.

My parents were still together until she died, 47 years, and they always taught me the family you create is more important than the one you come from, my parents will always be there but creating and focusing on my own little family is everything and they will be there along the way.

But that's just what I was taught.

I absolutely was not asking him to choose,

Yes you were. At the point you suggested that MIL could leave and stay in an empty house, you absolutely weee asking him to choose between birthing his mother and upsetting you, who was already upset anyway.

You will never get over the resentment you currently feel if you don’t accept that your grief made you make unreasonable requests of other people.

I can see that Christmas brings up all sorts of emotions around memories of past family Christmases. But was there anything special about 28th/29th December in your family? Otherwise I'm wondering if your husband thought you were past the worst point, and, for the sake of a couple of days, he wasn't going to throw his mum out.

You can turn the entire situation around. If you had grieved openly instead of hiding in the bedroom then his mother could have offered support and then behaved in an empathetic way, maybe helping with chores, whatever.
Maybe she didn’t know that was happening and was keen to support her son in supporting you.
Life is complicated enough, and people unfailing make it worse. There’s no right answer now that the situation has passed, it’s better that you move on.

This is absolutely spot on from my point of view.

Thank you so much.

Sorry you’ll always be second fiddle to his mummy.

I agree that it was highly insensitive of both her dh and his mother not to see the extent to which the op was struggling and do something constructive about it. He should at the very least have made sure he spent more time comforting and reassuring her.
However, comments like the one above and similar are misandristic, and reinforce the damaging stereotype that there is something wrong with men remaining close to their mothers. Would the same derogatory phrase be used for a woman?

Well if you were brought up to believe that there needs to be competition between the family you create and the one you came from, and that what you are taught is superior to the way other families do things, then it’s no wonder you are feeling like this.

This thread is bonkers.

You were down.
You persevered over the main Christmas period.
If she had any decency, she should had removed herself from the house and give you the space and your DH back.

This isn't a standard host&guests scenario, she is using your home as her UK base, so she needs to be a bit flexible.

She had seen my upset a couple of times over the 25th and 26th when I couldn't hide it.

I wasn't comfortable enough to openly share my grief with her I guess.

But I know my children would put their OHs first. That is absolutely the way it should be. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t support my children if they needed it
Funny how this is the position of people when it benefits them, not so much when it doesn't.

What if your partner told you that your children had to go when they visit you because he needs space in his house....

I think supporting your spouse comes down to reasonability. If their demands are purely selfish and ignore how they will hurt the other person you love, then it is a form of blackmail.

Ultimately it is about finding a compromise. Expecting his mum to bugger off to be on her own was a compromise that only suited OP.

She’s feeling like this because she needed her partner to step up and take her feelings in to consideration, which he failed to do.

I lost my dad in November last year, and as his birthday was in December, I struggled with Christmas.

I think you had a lot to deal with at that time. I know from my own experience that christmas was shit and difficult.

I think you were behaving irrationally in expecting your mil to leave. I wonder if you holding on to those feelings now would be the huge impact of your loss still resonating, compounded by the stress of a new baby.

I think this is a 'you' issue. I wouldn't expect my partner to not have his mum there - but I might have take myself away for a night if I needed space...

Grieving is a process. I wouldn't expect you to be handling things well yet - especially with a new baby. Make sure you don't need treatment for depression, and focus on surviving until the feelings aren't so overwhelming

I too was mad at my partner over things that happened when my dad was dying. Incandescently furious. But I realised that I was a long way from feeling normal so I promised myself that I wouldn't make any decisions for a year. I don't actually want to leave him. I was just mad at everything and he was an easy target in those early days...

Not unreasonable at all. You were grieving the loss of your mum while pregnant and facing your first Christmas without her, which is an enormous emotional burden. Wanting some space and boundaries during that time seems completely understandable. I can relate to how overwhelming grief can make family gatherings feel, and I think your feelings deserve respect. Sometimes protecting your own wellbeing isn't selfish—it's necessary. cineby

I really do understand how hard Christmas must have been for you OP, and I found the first Christmas after my mum died was really awful - I found that the first birthdays, Christmas, new year, and all other anniversaries were incredibly difficult. But I think, no matter how hard it was for you, it was very unreasonable to have suggested thst your mother in law went to stay somewhere else.

Possibly one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was to carry on visiting my mother in law regularly after my mum had died. Our mothers got on very well and saw each other regularly before they both developed dementia and every time I saw my mother in law she asked me how my mum was and when she was coming to visit her. I couldn’t possibly tell her tjst my mum had died because of how it would have affected her with the dementia, and to have to say each time that my mum was fine and would visit when she could was horrible. But she was my mother in law and it wasn’t her fault that my mum had died, and she still needed our care and support no matter how hard it was.

Well, according to her ‘partner’, she’d already put a dampener on his Christmas with his mum by being upset, so god knows what he’d be saying if she’d done that.

I lost my dad last year and Christmas was really hard so I do sympathise. I wouldn’t dream of asking my mother in law to leave and stay else where though. I would never ask that of my mam so wouldn’t expect my husband to ask it of his. She’d be really hurt.

I dont think you could expect her to go to an empty house. Visitors can be a pain in the neck. Even if they are quite reasonable people.

I totally sympathise with you wanting your house to be empty. At the same time, I can see where your partner was coming from in that he really couldn’t ask his mum to leave with only two nights to go - especially given you had just lost your mum so this would have probably really emphasised how easily we can lose people and would have made him extra concerned about not wanting to upset his own mum.

She may have felt very rejected had she been sent elsewhere in the last two days of her trip, so I gently suggest that your partner made the right call in terms of not going through with your request.

You might have even found that you felt worse if he had and she had got upset, because your peace to grieve would have been disrupted by that situation as well.

In saying that, it really wasn’t on for him to call you out for your sadness. However, when people haven’t lost someone, they really don’t get it and can say shocking things because of this.

(That is the silver lining to grief, it unlocks an empathy within you for others going through the same thing and makes you a better support).

I also think it was a red flag for him to say he would never choose you over his family? But maybe we are missing context to your argument that makes this a more understandable thing to say.

Perhaps it’s a good idea to chat to him about the impact of those things he said? Maybe acknowledge that you understand why he felt it wasn’t a good idea to boot his mum out, and that in hindsight you can see that, but that you are still quite hurt about the things he said re: your “miserableness” and him never choosing you over his family, and that you would like to chat about that?

Sorry op but I think you were being unreasonable. I also lost my mum at 65 really quickly a few years ago, just before Xmas. That xmas was pretty crap but I did just take myself away when I needed space. Even from my husband and children. It wouldn't have been fair to expect everyone else to change their plans or not enjoy themselves.

The MIL was planning to stay with them for 7 days.
I see letting her stay 5 and asking for a space back for 2 days as pretty good compromise.

You have been in an incredibly horrible situation, but equally it wouldn't have been fair to send his mum to go and sit on her own in another house. Is there any reason you couldn't be in the same room as her? It is awful, and events like Christmas will always be difficult to some extent now - they become more about who ISN'T there the older you get, I'm finding. But it is her Christmas too, and the world can't stop because your mum has passed away. I know it's awful and it feels like the centre of your world at the moment, but your partner shouldn't have to miss out on special time with his mum.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

To me I can see both sides. I understand having a house guest when you’re grieving is very difficult, but I can also see why he didn’t want to ask his mum to leave (he shouldn’t have said those things to you though).

Thing is, we’re talking about what 36-48 extra hours? Would it have really made that much of a difference. You were understandably feeling dreadful and I don’t think that would have particularly changed if she’d left?

I’d try to let it go and focus on your new lovely baby.

The most worrying bit is that he said he would never choose you over his family. You're pregnant and you are his family. That would be a deal-breaker for me. I'd tell him to go off back to his family then. Very sorry about your Mum.