AIBU to refuse to stay here and cancel the trip?

[Una107]

Been looking forward to staying at a lodge (similar to centre parks style holiday). It’s not cheap and DP was rude at the time and said he was going to sort it. All I said is make sure it’s got everything toddler needs.

He then booked the lodge. I asked him to send me the link, which he did. Lots of space, baths, nice area of the site.

Turns out that he’s actually booked an accessible room. So there’s no bathrooms and DD absolutely hates showers so that will be a battle. It’s nowhere near the centre of the site due to accessibility and the layout and setting of the lodge is different so smaller basins etc.

I asked DP why he didn’t check this and why he sent me a link to the wrong lodge. I am saying we should now cancel or move the dates to a time they can book us to a standard lodge. He doesn’t think showering with DD is an issue (it will be me having to do it as he doesn’t parent unless it’s a weekend or holiday). This trip was meant to be for me to relax as I do literally everything at home every day while he works (and I work too).

AIBU to be so upset about this? I am willing to accept I might be, I’m pretty down at the moment generally and just feel the trip is ruined and really would rather re arrange.

To be honest the real problem is you DH and that he doesn’t parent and doesn’t get involved in family life.

Does he have some very significant good points that make up for this ?

We bought an inflatable baby bath and used it till Dd was 3. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bestway-Inflatable-Baby-Bath-Travel/dp/B00D4A9DLU/ref=sr_1_7?crid=92EI8901HWA0&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.plFU1jf067Wy3-bMsHNmKHqo2dER0eiZJM3a4Apz1TlDo36T9YApJxStD6mYn09i1A-lrURtOaf8gCEyjmN4WgSpwFKmwcNSKsxspKZro-BK199wVY2r7vMKSjra7Kf11sPC749n0I09cdNA39BBnNOeDvjqOReznjd_VZiB8ItRkAmUHgrWqSArD-miNQyZHsM0dH7YVOzSty5ZJgycaquzAgqhLGxcfbdzDo2yVo97DwrZO5L7KChX3lpm90IvZxXyb3WtFzI_Mc2GPrx-lzUI7R3IW9bSpYhmwDO8JA8.SK7gBrq33_Tgn9dzgJtScGQpNA8lw-t1Jv5lGMuz65k&dib_tag=se&keywords=inflatable%2Bbaby%2Bbath&qid=1781600355&sprefix=inflatable%2Bbaby%2B%2Caps%2C257&sr=8-7&th=1

It sounds like what you're really pissed off about is the fact that you carry the responsibility for everything to do with parenting, domestic shitwork, life admin etc and he doesn't, for reasons of having, and being, a cock.

And now he's fucked up - and not for the first time - the one thing he agreed to do, and is gaslighting you that you are the problem.

You are right to be angry about all these things. But my first paragraph - the way that he exploits you in day to day life - is what really needs to change.

why are you with someone who treats you like crap, can't be arsed to parent the kid he created and who you don't like?

you're missing the point

he had one task, against the whole pile of does every day.
he just booked anything there and cheap cos he doesn't actually care.

He could have said "there's nothing for our dates, I think we should....".

He could have read and looked and booked something suitable. Booking an accessible room you don't need when there's others available is like using the disabled loo for a massive poo and taking your book with you for some peace and quiet.
He could have been up front and said "I've booked this because.... and we'll get around these issues by...."
He could have sent op the right link so they had time to discuss it
he could contribute something to the family beyond some money.
he could parent his child.
he could support his partner.

seems to me he just CBA.

YABU to be upset over the wrong thing. He doesn't parent unless its the weekend or holiday, and you do everything at home despite the fact that you both work. These are the things that you should be upset about and need addressing - and probably the reason why you are so pissed off at this particular cock-up.

Why would an accessible lodge be unsafe for your child? If anything it will be safer as it will be free from clutter?

Your actual AIBU was should you stay behind, which I cannot see achieves anything unless he can shift the booking.

I do understand that the real issue is you are feeling he is "half-arsing" the relationship and not really trying to make it perfect, but the reality is there really isn't anything all that unsuitable about the room. I think you are over-hamming that because of the other issue.

That said, if you go, decide you will put it behind you: a weekend of pointing out the shortcomings will be pointless.

I think I'd say something along the lines of you feel a bit disappointed he hadn't been more proactive with the booking but you are looking forward to a weekend "off duty", then determine to put it behind you and enjoy it. If you try to pin your objections to something that doesn't fully hold water, you just undermine your genuine frustration and look like you are trying to find fault - which in a way I think you are as far as the room is concerned.

ETA from his point of view the room complaint looks like "she's never happy" - which in the end undermines your point rather than reinforcing it. The comment about him leaving it too late is a better focus I think. I'd admit you can make do with the room, but you would have appreciated him being more proactive given the weekend was important to you.

There's nothing wrong with an accessible lodge. I think you are spoiling for an argument.

Yes, I agree. This is the real issue op, not the room itself.

If he had suggested it as a last minute pick-me up for you, rang right away and said it was all very booked up, BUT he could get this room, I don't think you would be feeling so down on the room itself. It's his lack of proactivity in the relationship.

Cancelling would be a huge overreaction. Most holidays I have been on with DS, we have had a shower rather than a bath, and it's a minor nuisance if that. You can take a collapsible tub if it is that much of an issue. I'm not really sure why you arw bothered by the fact it's an accessible lodge other than the bath?

The first thing is reasonable, the others are not
It sounds like you have a fear of anyone thinking you are Disabled, which is pretty awful if thats the case

Surely an accessible lodge would be safer for a toddler- no steps to fall down.

No it doesn't. It sounds like she is worried that people will think they've taken an accessible lodge they didn't need and so denied a disabled person a holiday!

You explain to toddler that she will have to have a shower or have a wash. It’s a holiday where things are different.

if you ask me you just don’t want to go. You say this was meant to be a relax for you in 17 years with kids I’ve never had a relaxing one.

Yanbu for being poised off about the wrong link, but I personally wouldn’t have realised about bathrooms or locations, I think in a couple there’s generally one person who’s good at figuring out all the details. But he should be parenting, it’s your holiday too

You're coming across as a little bit snobby. The distain for a lodge that is used for shock horror disabled people 😱. At the end of the day, as long as it's clean, why does it matter? You'll be on holiday, in a different place, it's exciting for kids, you might find that your daughter will be fine, presumably it'll be a massive shower room, she might love it!

I'd feel bad about using an accessible lodge I didn't need too. I get it.
But I think there are bigger issues here.
'DP was rude at the time' Do you mean you said you'd book and he was rude about you and insisted on sorting it?
He sent you a link to the wrong lodge and won't either own it as a mistake or admit he did it to mislead you.
He doesn’t parent unless it’s a weekend or holiday.
You work and do everything at home every day.
He called you a brat.

If my DP did any ONE of those things he'd be on very thin ice with me.

What a weird way to take what the OP has said.
She's worried about using an accessible lodge they don’t need. Can you not understand that sentiment?

I don't think that's fair, the OP is not snobby or looking down at anyone. It's obvious that the room designed for different needs doesn't work as well for others. What's snobby about that?

A lower sink might even be easier for a young child, but it's not practical for someone standing up.

Who cares if the child could be forced to shower? It's a holiday, the majority of the lodges have bath, why making your life more difficult.

Most people are also embarrassed to take a room they don't need, which mean that people who DO need it can't come.

As a disabled person myself, I come across a LOT of people who are DISGUSTED by anything for disabled people and frankly, us in general. Especially in France but here as well.

Same. Like they think we are lesser somehow. Or all living off benefits (not that there is any shame in that if they are needed - but I am a wheelchair user and a higher rate tax payer and I don't claim any benefits)

Please see my above post. PP has likely witnessed what I have as a disabled person myself. I come across many people who are utterly revolted by disabled people and noticeably wince at the mere suggestion of using anything meant for disabled people. People like this DO exist, sadly, regardless of what anyone says on here.

I am sure (sadly) that people exist who are revolted by disabled people. I'm sorry you, as someone with a disability, have to deal with that.
But it's not accurate, and it's quite offensive, to put words in the OP's mouth about why she doesn't want the accessible lodge. She says (I repeat) 'I am worried we are not allowed to book an accessible lodge we don’t need and will be judged'.

There are already suggestions here for the bath/shower issue. Take a blow up/collapsible alternative. There are lots of holidays without baths like camping. It's about finding a way. On our lodge holidays we tend to just shower at the swimming pool. I know your daughter doesn't like showers but what's she like at a pool?

I've seen your comment about worrying that people will judge you for being in an accessible lodge. Not all disabilities are visible and no one should give a monkey's arse about who's in which lodge. I've certainly never given it a second thought.

His sending you a link to the wrong cabin could've been on purpose but it also could have been careless low level incompetence.

The main thing is: he's booked the holiday. It would be worse if he'd not got it sorted at all.

It's frustrating when someone doesn't do something to the standard you would have or uses weaponised incompetence to ensure you do the labour of booking future holidays. However, there's also every chance it just doesn't matter as much to him and you're letting it get to you way more than it should because it's a symptom of something bigger in your relationship and family dynamics.

My worry is that you go on this holiday and you mention the shower thing over and over or you moan about being embarrassed about being in the accessible lodge. Those are things you have control over. That's about your own mindset and approach to things.

Have you read the Let Them Theory? Let him make some minor errors in your holiday booking. Then comes the Let Me bit - that's where you pack a paddling pool for the bathroom, that's where you make sure he does bathtime at least half of the week with your child, that's where you delight in the silliness of the situation, where you laugh about that time you ended up in a lodge with no steps instead of a balcony - I don't know.

I just know that the people in my life who are happier and find more joy in the every day are the ones who don't sweat the small stuff and take a step back to go "this thing has pissed me off but is it actually a big deal or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?" and usually, it's not something that matters that much.

You're on the cusp of ruining a holiday because you want it to be perfect. The extra bathtime faff doesn't have to be a massive deal - it's a paddling pool and bath toys. It's a funny story when your child's older "remember that holiday where you had to have a bath in a paddling pool? lol"

That said, I'm very concerned by your comment that your husband "doesn't parent" during the week. Does he work away? Do his work shifts mean he's not home at the same hours your child is awake?