AIBU to refuse to stay here and cancel the trip?

[Una107]

Been looking forward to staying at a lodge (similar to centre parks style holiday). It’s not cheap and DP was rude at the time and said he was going to sort it. All I said is make sure it’s got everything toddler needs.

He then booked the lodge. I asked him to send me the link, which he did. Lots of space, baths, nice area of the site.

Turns out that he’s actually booked an accessible room. So there’s no bathrooms and DD absolutely hates showers so that will be a battle. It’s nowhere near the centre of the site due to accessibility and the layout and setting of the lodge is different so smaller basins etc.

I asked DP why he didn’t check this and why he sent me a link to the wrong lodge. I am saying we should now cancel or move the dates to a time they can book us to a standard lodge. He doesn’t think showering with DD is an issue (it will be me having to do it as he doesn’t parent unless it’s a weekend or holiday). This trip was meant to be for me to relax as I do literally everything at home every day while he works (and I work too).

AIBU to be so upset about this? I am willing to accept I might be, I’m pretty down at the moment generally and just feel the trip is ruined and really would rather re arrange.

Why on earth would it not be safe for DD? Nothing to trip over, wide doors.....

I think your last point is indicative of the fact this isn't just about him not doing things her way, though.

The fact he sent her a link to a different lodge. It's either deliberate or just a lack of care and attention to detail.

My partner doesn't always do things 'my way' or makes mistakes (just as i do) but I don't care because he's a fully signed up adult and everyone makes mistakes and people don't do things in the same way as others. But I'll admit, I'd be pissed off too if he did next to nothing and fucked up one of the rare things he did take responsibility for.

It’s natural you feel disappointed but it will be safe for your DD and I think you can still have a lovely holiday.

So the holiday is an indication of deeper issues, yes?

I think the issue here is not the holiday but your DH attitude to parenting and his lack of involvement in domestic life, when you work full time too. The holiday has brought it to a head. Do you want to stay with such a man?

No you're looking for problems sorry. Collapsible baths, husband parents on holidays, Lodge booked.

As others have said though, there are two separate issues - the lodge being the distractor and what she chose to post about which is probably distracting everyone from the main issue. As in reality the lodge is fine and she is overreacting about this.
Also I would say if she had chosen the lodge, surely she would have been online and could have booked it herself anyway. Not sure why she needs her husband to make the booking (unless this is another issue).

I think had she posted a more my husband is useless, won't parent on weekdays etc there would be more sympathy.

I agree with this. I have a few boundaries that if they were crossed I would go nuclear and being called a brat is on that list. Cunt and "You are just like your sister" are also on it.

Seven years in, DH discovered about the last one and he lost his eyelashes, eyebrows, most of his hair and nine months of his life to it! The difference for me is that all the rest is good.

Sounds like you have some thinking to do but if you want my advice, take a paddling pool you can fill from the shower so it's a 'bath', make an effort to enjoy the holiday and when you got home, seriously think about your marriage because he sounds like a brattish cunt that behaves just like my sister. : )

If the place was overbooked and you got the accessible room that means no one else needed it.

I used to work in a hotel and we only gave out those rooms once the hotel was completely full and no one requested one. If we overbooked you would never bump the person who needed the accessible room. They were first priority to keep their booking.

So no need to feel sick with guilt if you get one.

Ok but mistakes happen. I once accidentally booked 7 disabled tickets for an event, don’t ask how I clicked on that because I still don’t know. I realised and called them to change it, had to pay the surplus over the phone. These things happen. If he’s a useless husband outside of this mistake, that’s another story.

I’ve been in that position before and we just went ahead. I took the shower off the hook to wash the kids down and gently washed their hair with the head tilted back. After a few days they wanted to try the real shower and they were fine with it. Just go and try not to worry too much about it.

Why doesn't he parent? Do you mean he can't because of work? Or he just doesn't?

It will be very safe for a small child. I don’t really understand why it’s such an issue beyond your DH’s possible lack of effort in booking it. Cancelling the holiday is just throwing your toys out of the pram.

Would you tolerate equal criticism of something you’d booked if he decided it was too close to the, likely noisy, clubhouse and centre, near a road or whatever it was he decided wasn’t ideal?

It sounds to me like you have both got stuck in a bad pattern of behaviour. Why not say you’ve thought about it and of course you’ll make the best of it, you’ve overreacted because you are shattered and just wanted to take a step back and him step in. Tell him that if he can do bathtimes, since it’s a holiday, that will help a lot. Don’t make it a punishment for his “mistake”, you’ve told us you are stressed about showering DD and that you do it at home most of the time, that’s reason enough to suggest he take it over while you are away.

I wouldn’t book an accessible lodge if I didn’t need it but if was all I was offered because of availability then I wouldn’t have a problem. We’ve occasionally been given accessible hotel rooms as a couple when the hotel is busy. It translates as more clear floor space and a bigger, wet room bathroom. I appreciate in a lodge it may have more implications for the kitchen but nothing awful. Can you not see pictures on the website?

It sounds like you have big issues in your relationship which is another matter, if you want a holiday and to make the most of it then I think you should get over the booking of an accessible lodge, forswear passive aggression for the week and civilly say what will make it a good break for you and ask what he and your daughter fancy doing over the week too.

Well I can't respond on behalf of other people, only myself.

I get what you're saying but it doesn't require much in the way of inference skills to see that there is a bigger problem and that the lodge booking is just the one she's pissed off with currently. The clues are there.

Complete over reaction and you are going to negatively impact the holiday more than there being a shower in the bathroom.

If you are so OTT about things being exactly as you want them, then you will need to do everything yourself. You can't simultaneously complain he doesnt do enough and then make this level of fuss over a non event.

If there is a swimming pool on site, DD will be very clean anyway, just wash her at the pool after. You realise that plenty of people manage to go camping and have fun, that people with disabled children go on holidays and manage to enjoy them (in the accessible lodge). The person taking to joy out of it is you.

Oh yeah I agree with you, definitely, I just get a feeling for OPs posts that he isn't great (refusing to help with his own child etc). It makes me really sad when fun things like holidays are spoiled by men not pulling their weight. And that the child almost certainly feels the tension.

Sometimes stepping out of daily life (eg the novelty of a holiday) can make that imbalance look quite stark, and hopefully lead to changes.

Any accessible accommodation is usually very safe. My daughter is in a wheelchair and that’s what we always try to book. Even with two very small children there has never been a problem safety wise - on the contrary. There is more floor space ( often quite a lot more - they tend to knock 2 hotel rooms into one for example) because you need space to move the wheelchair. The wash basin can be low ( drives me mad but great for kids] so they can get the wheelchair under it. These days some even have 2 basins, one high, one low. I much prefer baths personally, so don’t like wet rooms, but have learnt to cope, and it’s only for a couple of weeks - as others have said you can take a decent sized container and use that - and usually the bathrooms are easily large enough to take it. (Some are enormous bathrooms!). You can often request a separate small fridge too, to take any medicines ( though we tend to take our own now). The doors are wider too, as often are the corridors. You get quite a few plus points tbh.

No one will ask re disability - so many are hidden, or can be variable.

Just go and enjoy yourselves. Have a great time on your holiday.

It’s obvious not ideal but Christ it’s not the end of the world
id be looking it as an opportunity to get her showering instead of of bath
kids don’t need a bath everyday anyway go swimming every other day
your making this a lot worse than it is
if I were him I’d go on my own and leave you at home on your own

Ssems like a bit of an over reaction from you.

This isn’t about the lodge is it? It’s about having a useless husband all of the time, not just holidays.

In his defence those lodges and rooms are often the last ones left , he probably didn’t realise exactly what he had booked .If you can’t cancel and book elsewhere just go and make the best of it . I would hate it , but over my life we have had bad accommodation a few times and we look back and laugh now .

To trot out an MN trope... you don't have a lodge problem, you have a DP problem.

Why does he only parent at weekends and on holidays? (Is this not a holiday anyway?)

Cancel the trip and make him step up and parent more.

Is there a reason he gets to opt out of parenting unless it’s a holiday?

I don't see a massive issue tbh.

Showers - I am sure your DD will get over this at some point, possibly on this trip. I would definitely leave it to DH to sort though.

Location - it's a short extra walk, won't do any harm.

Accessible - makes very little difference to you.

Move on and save your wrath for bigger issues.

He can take his child off on the holiday, you can go on your own one. Win/win.

Do you want to stay in the relationship with a boyfriend who refuses to raise his child? She'll grow up thinking this is normal