AIBU to refuse to stay here and cancel the trip?

[Una107]

Been looking forward to staying at a lodge (similar to centre parks style holiday). It’s not cheap and DP was rude at the time and said he was going to sort it. All I said is make sure it’s got everything toddler needs.

He then booked the lodge. I asked him to send me the link, which he did. Lots of space, baths, nice area of the site.

Turns out that he’s actually booked an accessible room. So there’s no bathrooms and DD absolutely hates showers so that will be a battle. It’s nowhere near the centre of the site due to accessibility and the layout and setting of the lodge is different so smaller basins etc.

I asked DP why he didn’t check this and why he sent me a link to the wrong lodge. I am saying we should now cancel or move the dates to a time they can book us to a standard lodge. He doesn’t think showering with DD is an issue (it will be me having to do it as he doesn’t parent unless it’s a weekend or holiday). This trip was meant to be for me to relax as I do literally everything at home every day while he works (and I work too).

AIBU to be so upset about this? I am willing to accept I might be, I’m pretty down at the moment generally and just feel the trip is ruined and really would rather re arrange.

Weaponised Incompetence.

He clearly has form.

Stop being so wet!

Do you suffer from anxiety generally?

You don't have to prove that you need an accessible lodge, hotel room or whatever. It's not like parking in a disabled only bay, nobody is going to check and you aren't going to get in trouble. People have hidden disabilities.

Accessible rooms and bathrooms are designed to be... accessible. to everybody. So kindly, yes, you are being absolutely unreasonable. I can't think of any reason why it wouldn't be safe for a toddler. The only conversation needed is "Oh, you didn't book a lodge with a bath - okay, tag you're it for showering DD." Or acquire a baby bath. Or use the sink in the kitchenette. Or use wet wipes for a few days, she's not going to come to any harm.

I dont see the issue about it being an accessible lodge. Just take a pop up bath

Have you actually called the place yourself to see if there is another room available, or did your DH tell you that. Those rooms generally fill early.

The accommodation is a red herring. Clearly you have bigger problems. Why are you with him? He doesn't like you or care about you. He sounds horrible.

I get why you wouldn't want an accessible accommodation. We were given one recently when we stayed with family with 2 & 4 year old. Bathroom was the biggest problem with the long red pull cords which reach to the floor (2 by toilet, 2 by shower). Hand rails everywhere at face height for small kids. Bathroom sink not really functional as body space cut out. Lowered worktops in kitchen meant kettle, hob, microwave and coffee machine in reach of kids. Everything was really low (eg beds below knee height). Low easy to use handles on front door etc

I wouldn't cancel over not having a bath. Just bring a plastic tub and use it in the shower.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill!

Can you try and enjoy the holiday as best you can?

And then start focusing on tackling the mountain… namely your totally unsatisfactory marriage. You say you are done, so look into what you need to do to split and become a sole parent.

Whats your financial and housing situation, and do you earn enough to go it alone?

Just phone the lodge and discuss it directly yourself.

Pay a small fee to upgrade.

The best solution is to correct the cock up.
It doesn't matter who does that.

Then calm down and enjoy the break.

If you can't swap, make the most of it.
Look at the good points. It will be quiet for sleep.

There is normally a communal laundry so ask DH to scrub out the trough each day and then to take DD down there to have a trough bath.

Just phone the lodge and discuss it directly yourself.
Pay a small fee to upgrade.

The best solution is to correct the cock up.
It doesn't matter who does that.

Then calm down and enjoy the break.

If you can't swap, make the most of it.
Look at the good points. It will be quiet for sleep.

There is normally a communal laundry so ask DH to scrub out the trough each day and then to take DD down there to have a trough bath.
Bathing with a face washer won't harm DD if it comes to that.
Plenty of hospitals call that hygienic.

If he is a d P does that mean you sensibly haven’t married him? Makes it easier to get rid of him anyway

I definitely wouldn't be bothered that its accessible. If anything there will be more room as its wheelchair space standards. No one will worry that you're in it. As the saying goes, many disabilities are invisible! If anyone thinks anything, thst will be it. And it will be just as safe as anywhere else - why wouldn't it be? No one designs accessible rooms to be more dangerous than non accessible rooms. Possibly you are at the end of your tether because he doesnt parent, and this is the last straw?

Firstly it will be safe, secondly you are allowed to book it. If anything you may find it a little more spacious in places.

You need to sort your dh out though. Parenting generally doesn't stick to time slots, stop doing everything and start ensuring he does get involved. We do every other night for bedtime, perhaps start with something like that - it should be about teamwork.

Also, he is on holiday anyway so definitely no excuse for not helping give dd the odd shower she'll get used to it very quickly and be fine.

I'm sorry but you're being ridiculous now. Why would it be unsafe?

You sound determined to be angry at your husband. Do you always find fault with the things he does? Could be totally unfair here but you sound very difficult.

It’s disappointing. You are being unreasonable if no other lodge is available.

I think some posters are being a bit disingenuous tbh.

It's obvious why she's pissed off. She does everything. He's had one job to do and fucked it up.

I'd be making plans to leave at some point, OP. This level of incompetence and lack of involvement in parenting would make it impossible for me to stay long term.

Phone the place and change the booking. Alternatively if DD is 3 or under, take a baby bath with stuff packed inside it, or an inflatable baby bath.

If you cancel will you get a refund? Or maybe you could call and explain he accidentally booked that room but you have no accessibility needs, perhaps sell it as you not wanting to take the room from someone who needs it? They might be able to swap for another week if that one is full. I’m sure work will switch your AL.

this is probably a case of "if you want something done then ask a busy woman" - women with small children are like superwomen, they get everything and more done - they are phenomenal and quite scary to many of the men

Just accept the fact that he is hopeless and pat yourself on the back for being organised

Agree re the paddling pool thing for the shower - I once bathed a tiny in a toy box because the place had no bath - they were quite happy

Maybe he is incompetent or maybe he just doesn't do things her way?
Hard to tell from this one post.

Though I do agree why isn't he parenting in the week?

Complete mountain out of a molehill.

Firstly.... this is fair

Secondly no one will give a shit

Thirdly it is safe.

On the shower point.
Hand her to dh say "as discussed you are bathing her this week"
Tip some wine / g&t / whatever into a travel cup and go on a 20 min wakk and leave him to bath time.
Id consider getting a collapsible bath if dd hates showers THAT much.
Realistically its fucking annoying but its done.
Next time you book the holiday and get what you want.

Do it alone, rather than this slow death, by a thousand cuts. Holidays are supposed to be fun, relationships are supposed to be mutually supportive, parenting together is supposed to be both of those things.

You don't get to redo this tiny short life wasted on such a rigid boring uncaring man.

Also, all these posts twisting themselves into knots trying to suggest workarounds to soften the blows of the choices and behaviour of a fully grown adult father... You can bet your life and soul he isn't on some mens forum, asking how to be better, how to stop making poor choices and treating his family badly, or being forced to seek support because he doesn't get treated well.

Fuck that.