to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

[RachelWardd]

We met when I was 23 and he was 30.

I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc.

We dated for two years and married when I was 25, my parents were strict catholic and I never lived with him back then (we're talking 20+ years ago now) before we married, just dated , never went away together really either.....stayed over at his at the time, he lived very close to his parents, but said it was cos he loved that part of the city /country growing up and all his friends were there etc so that made sense at the time. I moved in with him after we married.

Long story short. In the first two three years, I knew I had married someone with a very very low fuse (as I called at in my twenties) - prone to anger, somewhat selfish, very focused on his needs, very quick flight or fight responses to any changes in plan

Turns out one of the many reasons he was popping in every evening at his parents' for at least 10 minutes on way home was - they were (well in to his 30s) still monitoring and administering sodium valporate pills to him. I opened the packet once when his dad left it out accidentally and I had popped over.

Slowly it came out in the open that he had been diagnosed with a benign reflex form of epilepsy ( he got partial focal type seizures when taking a hot shower or hot bath and almost always or always only then) from when he was less than 10 years old. But 'DH' still said it was fully under control with medication and he had been 'episode free' since 2001 and we met in 2002 and married in 2004.

Eventually he got off the meds completely in 2008 and as far as I know has not had any more episodes just by being careful I think while in the shower or bath
I still think he should have told me - he grew up going to epilepsy clinics, top neuro consultants, thinking life would not be normal as he was still having seizures, falling in the shower leading to head injuries (multiple) , trips to hospital in the ambulance as a teen.

A big part of his life for the first 30 years - and defined his relations with his parents and siblings - and his outlook on life. At the very least he should have told me as he knows this is sometimes genetic and there is a 30pc chance yet that our teen DC could still go on to develop this and have to go through the same to find the right meds and then to learn how to self limit it.

with all the knowledge we have now online, I do think all his flight or fight dysregulation, responses to stress, conflict, self focus are linked. At least armed with this information, I could have approached our marriage with more empathy and compassion if nothing else.

AIBU for me to still feel angry now and then when I remember this lie by omission and his excuses that it wasnt relevant information to tell me.....I am 48 now, he is 55

YANBU. He lied by omission.

Do you even want to be with him? Divorce him if you don’t want to be with him, life is too short.

Was he controlled when he met you? It is odd not to tell anyone but I’m also epileptic and I was embarrassed about it for a really long time.

When did he tell you?

That’s so sad for both of you. The chances are low of your kids inheriting it, which is a big plus.

In the olden days some people were very cagey about epilepsy, no idea why. Maybe DHs parents persuaded him to keep it quiet to everyone from childhood.

Don’t blame him. You’re absolutely reasonable to be livid, but the risk
to DC is low and the secrecy was a product of its time.

He should have told you.

The way that you describe him makes it sound like you don't want to be married to him. You don't need a reason to not want this.

Why the hell were his parents still administering his medication when he was in his 30’s!!! 😳
He should have been honest with you I don’t blame you for feeling cross!

Did he tell you before or after you had a child? If you found out before you surely had the knowledge and option to leave.

I literally saw a neurologist today about genetic testing so this feels very relevant to me. He had stopped having seizures before he met you although was still taking medication? It sounds to me as if he was embarrassed / ashamed. Epilepsy is a scary thing to have because you have no idea when something may or may not happen. I can understand not wanting to disclose it - as I’ve said before, I was mortified about having seizures in front of people and probably would be today if it happened.

It doesn’t excuse not telling you but I can sort of see why he might not want to.

Despite the fact I’ve been epileptic for so long I didn’t realise how ‘genetic’ some types can be. Genetic testing wasn’t offered to me when I was diagnosed as a teenager in the early 90s.

I think it’s a long time now, you have to either accept or leave him, you can’t keep on for ever.

Why did you marry someone in their 30s who gets their parents to administer their medicine? Did you ask any questions about this? Sorry this whole thing is not adding up to me at all. Have you asked him why he didn't tell you?

Yes, of course he should have. It's the kind of significant omission that would constitute possible grounds for a Catholic annulment -- I know someone who got one on similar grounds, though it's an an appalling, lengthy process that makes a divorce look speedy and practically enjoyable.

But I think you need to take some responsibility here too. I am five years older than you are, and also grew up in a very strict Catholic household (parents were daily massgoers, nightly rosary etc) in Ireland, but I never let that get in the way of leading my own romantic and sexual life as I saw fit. They disapproved, obviously, but my life was my life. You were irresponsible in letting your parents' religious beliefs dictate your life, and you were irresponsible to marry someone you didn't know because of it. You're clearly regretting this now for a lot of reasons. You don't need to stay married to someone disregulated, angry and selfish.

Sadly, ableism is one of the last "acceptable" forms of discrimination in the eyes of many, and people do judge. It's easy to say he shouldn't feel shame, but people do.
Should people tell their partners everything, or risk being accused of lying by omission? Ideally yes, but so many people don't, I wouldn't end your marriage over it.

His sense of shame or whatever is absolutely not excuse for not telling the woman he married about a serious, heritable health condition that, until well into his 30s, he was still reliant on his parents to manage for him.

He never told me himself ....

I saw the medication at his parents' and opened it one day almost routinely as they had said it was only Vitamins, due to bleeding gums condition he had as a kid, but then I saw the 'epilex' name. Even then I took a very watered down explanation from him a few fainting spells end of. Then his best friend brought it up again when I mentioned being surprised by how close he was with his parents and how protective they were of him (he did not want to move away anywhere else for a very long time) and then his friend told me 'you know he was quite sick right as a child and his parents and siblings helped through all that....'

It just came out more and more after that with me asking questions and not letting the topic go completely - I would gain a bit more of the picture every year and then read up about it - I never expect normal reactions from him in an adult conflict situation anymore - I think something snaps in his brain and I eggshell for sure around his anger, but it is hard to call it 'abuse' as I think it is actually his para sympathetic nervous system 'being very distinct in patients with HWE'

I care about him but there are times when I think about it all and my position and am very angry I was not allowed to make an informed choice

Ofc I also blame myself mostly for being naive and marrying someone without knowing them well enough to ....

This morning was the first time I mentioned the topic in very long and for the first time he said ' I do not know why I never told you, I had always told girlfriends I had before then...' What do I make of that?

I didnt see the med administration part until months after the marriage

They were still telling me its vitamins....and I was believing them , because 25 year old me was even much much dumber than current me, yet I was very brainy at school , a scholar at uni ....and what not.

I think you were absolutely justified to be angry at the time and it would have been a justifiable reason to split up when you found out.

You obviously decided not to do that at the time and it's now 25 years later. So I do think having effectively made the decision to stick with it you are being unreasonable to continue to dwell on it and remain angry.

It sounds as if you’re known about it for a while if he stopped taking meds in 2008?

It sounds more like his anger and selfishness (??) that is an issue? I am not sure you / he can blame epilepsy for that.

But vitamins doesn't make sense either - why would he need to go somewhere daily for vitamins? As an adult?

But by the by - you knew his condition in 2008? And nearly 20 years later you are still ruminating on it? What do you want now - truly? Because you can't reverse time. You sound like you are eating yourself up over this.

If this is/was a deal breaker/issue for you why didnt you leave him at the time?

Yes I agree I am the primary person responsible for my life decisions and yes I probably would do differently

I may still have married him but it would have been an informed choice and I think I would set my expecations those early years very differently

The way I feel is ....as if I spent my childhood in Disney land and he spent his in a hospital (using polarising opposites to make my point) ...and without knowing that ...I expected us to have the same ideas of a fun time or life goals as adults

I was a very very very immature 23-25 apparently.....

How old are you? I'm nearly 60 and epilepsy was seen as a moral failing. I don't know if it was the 'speaking in tongues' etc from the Bible, but epilepsy was looked upon as a punishment from God, or demonic possession.

I'm thinking that the parents might have asked to support him with medication, for their own anxiety, but also because having a seizure and head injuries affects the memory. So, if he had to ever go to hospital, they know what meds he has been taking and when. There'd be no chance of overdosing etc. Head injuries (my DP has one) are still misunderstood and minimised.
OP, after 20 years, you should have got out of the marriage or got over it completely.

I think about it every now and then .....not everyday

We had DC in 2009, I was pregnant in 2008

@RachelWardd has this been a theme throughout your marriage? Are you through the menopause or in peri? Things can fester during the menopause.

I dont know what I want from him on this - maybe a sincere acknowledgement that it is a massive thing to hide from an SO , and not a minor tiny fact

Please tell me you didn't conceive while he was still on this medication.