to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

[RachelWardd]

We met when I was 23 and he was 30.

I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc.

We dated for two years and married when I was 25, my parents were strict catholic and I never lived with him back then (we're talking 20+ years ago now) before we married, just dated , never went away together really either.....stayed over at his at the time, he lived very close to his parents, but said it was cos he loved that part of the city /country growing up and all his friends were there etc so that made sense at the time. I moved in with him after we married.

Long story short. In the first two three years, I knew I had married someone with a very very low fuse (as I called at in my twenties) - prone to anger, somewhat selfish, very focused on his needs, very quick flight or fight responses to any changes in plan

Turns out one of the many reasons he was popping in every evening at his parents' for at least 10 minutes on way home was - they were (well in to his 30s) still monitoring and administering sodium valporate pills to him. I opened the packet once when his dad left it out accidentally and I had popped over.

Slowly it came out in the open that he had been diagnosed with a benign reflex form of epilepsy ( he got partial focal type seizures when taking a hot shower or hot bath and almost always or always only then) from when he was less than 10 years old. But 'DH' still said it was fully under control with medication and he had been 'episode free' since 2001 and we met in 2002 and married in 2004.

Eventually he got off the meds completely in 2008 and as far as I know has not had any more episodes just by being careful I think while in the shower or bath
I still think he should have told me - he grew up going to epilepsy clinics, top neuro consultants, thinking life would not be normal as he was still having seizures, falling in the shower leading to head injuries (multiple) , trips to hospital in the ambulance as a teen.

A big part of his life for the first 30 years - and defined his relations with his parents and siblings - and his outlook on life. At the very least he should have told me as he knows this is sometimes genetic and there is a 30pc chance yet that our teen DC could still go on to develop this and have to go through the same to find the right meds and then to learn how to self limit it.

with all the knowledge we have now online, I do think all his flight or fight dysregulation, responses to stress, conflict, self focus are linked. At least armed with this information, I could have approached our marriage with more empathy and compassion if nothing else.

AIBU for me to still feel angry now and then when I remember this lie by omission and his excuses that it wasnt relevant information to tell me.....I am 48 now, he is 55

I know that is a stretch, but its just how I feel....

He said that he had told them during his teens he would not marry because of his condition which was not under control at the time, and they thought it was a solid decision

His last episode in 2001 new year eve, says he came out after a bath with blood all over his head and was taken to hospital .

March 2002 meets me , never has an episode again , when he had been for 20 years before that. All feels so unreal.

I think this is spot on.

It wasn’t just a lie by omission, surely. The OP was told his medication was vitamins, which is an outright lie.

They were giving him vitamins alongside the Epilex

The lie became the truth , like MJ sings in Billie Jean

Crazymaking his parents and his whole family were sometimes I think, and I feel I am the one who's gone crazy as a result

Not telling me was gaslighting me in a way, while I was struggling to understand him

The weight you’re giving to a diagnosis of epilepsy which was controlled very well is over the top.

You likely feel this for other (probably very justifiable) reasons.

what feels unreal about it?

@BauhausOfEliott @kirinm , did you see the post by @Anyahyacinth ?

I did not even know about annullment, that is ridiculous after 23 years . If I left and separated, and wanted it legalised, I would divorce

I am nowhere near that

I've just learned today from this thread, that English marriage procedure doesn't contain a declaration that the two people getting married are aware of each other's health and financial situation.

I somehow never doubted that everyone (everyone in Europe/everyone reasonable/... ) has it ...
In my country it has very limited legal consequences in the age of no fault divorce, but it is there to remind people that some things are important and it makes me feel it is a rather big deal to not mention it.

A short while after marrying my second husband he had a grand mal seizure which was really frightening as I had no idea he suffered from these. After he came to he had complete amnesia for quite a while. Apparently all his family knew this, my husband said he had had a seizure ages at in his teens so didn't think he'd have another.
It affected him quite a lot in terms of mood and although I persuaded him to investigate medical options he went on to have quite a few seizures. It was very hard, never knowing when they were going to happen - always having to make sure he didn't have any stress as that could be a trigger. We later divorced but it was because we were incompatible in other ways.

I would be incredibly angry in your position and to be honest I think I would struggle trusting them again. The whole family played along with a lie and minimised it for years when you found out some information.
I totally understand that someone would like to keep somethings private but not when it could have a detrimental effect on their partner or future children.
Please seek professional advice and support !

To me this is like the boiled frog analogy - the hradual
release of information to you means there was no definitive point at which you could say "Actually, this is too much."

I think this is a huge thing to have hidden from you and he very much did hide it!
I would be raging because this could have affected your children, it's certainly affected your life and you denied the opportunity to make an informed choice.

It's okay to leave someone if you are unhappy, to come to the realisation even years down the line that what he did wasn't okay. You don't have to stay with someone who is volatile, even if it's medically related, because he never gave you that clear choice to say yes or no.

I think you should get some counselling at the very least, to help you clarify your thoughts.

Have you posted about this before OP? I remember this almost exactly 🤔

I think you are convinced he deserves no empathy for the anger issues 'just because' he was diagnosed with HWE and had a very bad time of it till age 30

You can see why I am still not convinced though

I see him as another child , alongside my DC

Lies to get what he wants, and gets angry when it is snactched away, I see him as an emotionally stunted child. Which is also what a 'distinct sympathetic nervous system and parasympathetic nervous system response in HWEs' could be ? that after the fact he can calm down and adult, but in the moment he is lashing out because of his physiology?

You’re wishing he’d given you a reason for his nasty and abusive behaviour towards you because at least then you could accept it as a symptom of his condition rather than because he is abusive and hid who he really was. Because you feel you’ve not had the marriage you wanted.

But it wouldn’t have made a difference. Because epilepsy isn’t why he is abusive towards you.

Sodium valproate is also prescribed for those that are bi-polar. That’s what I thought you were going to say given what you say about his behaviour. It’s the type of thing I could imagine parents hiding.

Of course he should have told you.

Thank you I read your post multiple times and am almost in tears

I am a victim too in all this, albeit because of my own stupidity

Are you referring to the post about anger? That looks googled to me tbh but it’s sort of irrelevant. It’s not my experience. And your husband wasn’t being and isn’t being treated for epilepsy now anyway.

I think you’re assuming his anger is related to a condition he no longer has. You can empathise with him but I don’t think you should be assuming it’s got anything to do with the fact he had seizures when he was younger.

Annulment has nothing to do with divorce or legalities, though. It's canon law - it has no effect on your civil status. You would need to divorce as well in order to remarry. But if you wanted to remarry in a Catholic church, you would need to get an annulment, which means a declaration that a valid sacramental marriage had never existed, because of a serious deception. Divorce legally ends a valid marriage in the eyes of the law. The two are different.

You ascribe your frankly mad decision to marry a man you barely knew to your parents' Catholicism meaning you 'weren't allowed' to live with him or go away with him. It's perfectly possible, from the information given, you are still a believing Catholic, therefore that you might want an annulment to allow you to marry again in church.

I agree with @BauhausOfEliott that you're hanging an awful lot on his epilepsy and his concealment of it.

Is he ND OP? Epilepsy and neurodivergence are highly comorbid. It juts made me wonder when you said he doesn't cope well with changes in plan, in still going to his parents for meds at 30, focussed on himself. difficulties with emotional regulation.....

Of course he should not have lied. This isn't new though so focus on what has changed and why this is key now. Definitely talk to a counsellor to work through your feelings as there is a lot to unpick.

I keep asking him they must have a file in one of their cupboards with the initial diagnosis , I can see his consultant who is now deceased , was a eminent leader in the field

He keeps saying the file was all nonsense I hope they threw it away, but the consultant is so well renowned for 20th century research in HWE

Definitely ND, wont come for a diagnosis though, hasnt set foot in anything to do with above the neck related conditions since I appeared and his episodes disappeared

I speak in short sentences, he gets upset at nuance if he cant pick up on it

That’s not lying by omission—it’s outright lying—vitamins for gums?

That is a very bizarre thing to lie about. And very odd that his parents were controlling his medication.