to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

[RachelWardd]

We met when I was 23 and he was 30.

I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc.

We dated for two years and married when I was 25, my parents were strict catholic and I never lived with him back then (we're talking 20+ years ago now) before we married, just dated , never went away together really either.....stayed over at his at the time, he lived very close to his parents, but said it was cos he loved that part of the city /country growing up and all his friends were there etc so that made sense at the time. I moved in with him after we married.

Long story short. In the first two three years, I knew I had married someone with a very very low fuse (as I called at in my twenties) - prone to anger, somewhat selfish, very focused on his needs, very quick flight or fight responses to any changes in plan

Turns out one of the many reasons he was popping in every evening at his parents' for at least 10 minutes on way home was - they were (well in to his 30s) still monitoring and administering sodium valporate pills to him. I opened the packet once when his dad left it out accidentally and I had popped over.

Slowly it came out in the open that he had been diagnosed with a benign reflex form of epilepsy ( he got partial focal type seizures when taking a hot shower or hot bath and almost always or always only then) from when he was less than 10 years old. But 'DH' still said it was fully under control with medication and he had been 'episode free' since 2001 and we met in 2002 and married in 2004.

Eventually he got off the meds completely in 2008 and as far as I know has not had any more episodes just by being careful I think while in the shower or bath
I still think he should have told me - he grew up going to epilepsy clinics, top neuro consultants, thinking life would not be normal as he was still having seizures, falling in the shower leading to head injuries (multiple) , trips to hospital in the ambulance as a teen.

A big part of his life for the first 30 years - and defined his relations with his parents and siblings - and his outlook on life. At the very least he should have told me as he knows this is sometimes genetic and there is a 30pc chance yet that our teen DC could still go on to develop this and have to go through the same to find the right meds and then to learn how to self limit it.

with all the knowledge we have now online, I do think all his flight or fight dysregulation, responses to stress, conflict, self focus are linked. At least armed with this information, I could have approached our marriage with more empathy and compassion if nothing else.

AIBU for me to still feel angry now and then when I remember this lie by omission and his excuses that it wasnt relevant information to tell me.....I am 48 now, he is 55

@Itisalwayspossibletobekind , thank you, Your username fits you very well. Your posts are so kindhearted, I keep reading them over and over.

I have read Lundy a few times - he does not have any solutions other than LEAVE though .... with good reason, likely. Based on his experience of abusive men.

@Toooldtocare25 , Is it possible to diagnose Bi-polar medically other than just description of behaviour? Wikipedia indicates an MRI can be indicative, even conclusive in some cases? I want him to take me as well along and see the doctors and to see if there is medical help possible for the moods/anger/outbursts/unhappy soul.

I’m not sure to be honest but the bipolar and epilepsy are intertwined sometimes even misdiagnosed as each other. I’m no expert still learning 😊x

Well , technically the below does not apply to us, as he never left his parents to marry me.....

Have you not read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (Matt 19:4-6).

A third person who agrees. It's actually really offensive, rude and ableist and people piping in with things they've read on the internet about epilepsy aren't helping. You have no idea.

Me too. As an epileptic of 35 years, it’s nice to hear how angry we all are and why you should think twice about being in a relationship with one of us.

No one on here has said this, maybe unfollow the thread if it is triggering though.

My life matters too.

@InspectorDuckedCantBeFooked , @Itisalwayspossibletobekind , and others who have been really supportive.

When he said I had no reason to leave 12 years ago and said he would make custody battle a hell on earth for me if I still choose to go and that they were HIS SONS, I did the following in anger myself, what then naturally followed was a lot of self hate I still carry around for doing the following as it may have been to hurt him when he found out (and he did and he was ANGRY) , but it was a million times more self destructive - I did not recognise myself at all in these acts and yet it was me doing them -

1. 'Fell in love' with a very supportive colleague in my early thirties, did not get physical , told H the truth and that I wanted to leave him to go be with someone who genuinely liked me. H said the DC were his and he would not let them leave with me. I did not want to involve police/legal so I ...stayed.
2. In my early 40s, I went onto TInder, made a profile only first name and pics - did not hook up with anyone. But talked to guys and enjoyed the attention. Was honest about my situation and single men were okay to hook up anyway, but I didnt go ahead, then I stopped as it was wasting their time too, they werent on TInder to be friends.

Hate myself. Does someone who has done the above, still deserve to say defiantly my life matters? But, a part of me says two wrongs do not cancel each other out, and perhaps I do not deserve happiness as such, but I still should leave him, cos neither does he deserve me staying.

Also, I did try broaching this morning with him a gentle conversation along the lines of lets go the Doctor and review the childhood diagnosis and med history, lets get an up to date MRI to rule out Bi-polar. etc. And if there was a problem, Doctors could help with mood stabilizers etc.

He categorically refused and said 'You are the crazy one, not me....'

Your life does matter but you’ve blamed your husbands behaviour on epilepsy and other posters have tried to attribute his anger to epilepsy too. You refuse to budge on that - insisting there must be a neurological explanation for his abuse. That is offensive whether you like it or not,

None of this makes his abuse justified.

In my view having an emotional affair(s) is probably worse than not disclosing a medical condition tbh but I’m sure plenty here would disagree.

You definitely should not be together - it is a horribly toxic relationship. You should stop diagnosing him too. If someone came up to me and told me I should revisit a condition I stopped suffering from 25 years ago and that I probably had a mental health condition on top, I’d probably react in a similar fashion.

Let me be Clear - his anger and arseholeness is IN NO WAY RELATED TO EPILEPSY. If anything though it is the reverse, I feel there was something special about him that very very much attracted me to him and what he went through, the hard times, must have shown through in some way as I did and still do very tender and protective by default - and have to give myself stern shakes not to. I am an empath by nature.

ANYONE who is saying anything offensive about PEOPLE with epilepsy , please can you leave the thread, thank you.

But there could still be a chance the SV was for Bipolar, it was not for common cold in any case.

It's not great, but understandable. And most importantly, it is absolutely irrelevant.

You don't have to somehow deserve being happy - you need to just aim to live the best life you can going forward, if possible be happy doing so.

He lied about marriage changing stuff and abused you. Someone upthread mentioned, that it would be enough to attempt annulment, but annulment being very long process. If you are ok with a divorce as an option, you can take the "it would be enough to go for annulment" as a sign to allow yourself to chose divorce if you would want to do so.

I understand that you would still prefer for him to just realise his error and work on his illness&behaviour, but that won't happen unless he wants to do so (and even there it is no guarantee it would have good enough results).

I think being in an abusive relationship with someone who treats you like shit, makes you vulnerable to affairs or involvement with people who are kind and normal.

Your husband is an abuser. Like all abusers, he denies it, DARVOs you and says you are crazy. This won't change. He is a textbook abuser.

As several posters have told you, you cannot take him for a brain scan to diagnose bipolar. You should forget about any medical explanation for his abuse. I'm sorry for being so blunt but you really don't seem to be listening very much or taking anything on board. I'm not sure why that is.

Yeah, I'll leave. I can't be bothered to educate someone so ableist and unwilling to accept anyone's perspective than their own.

Sorry the post asking people who are triggered to leave perhaps was harsh. The whole point of an AIBU thread is inviting all opinions.

Don't know why you keep calling ableist, I am anything but able.

@FourSevenThree and @bigboykitty

Thank you both very grateful for your posts.

I am going to leave as soon as younger DC leaves in 14 months to Uni.....

I cannot still bear the thought of leaving H all alone in this house , just upping and leaving and taking DC along, nor do I feel like leaving DC - I also think DC may be weaponised and asked to choose and made to feel guilty and so on.

All simplified in 12-14 months, as DC will be at uni and they can choose alternate weekends or one weekend a month each to come to me versus their dad if they choose to stay on campus one or two weekends a month, if that makes sense. We can each visit DC separately - and they can come to us likewise separately.

It wont feel like leaving him all alone, hes practically a third child because he can be in these very upbeat, childlike enthusiasm moods when he is in that zone. I cant help thinking of him as ND even though he is not diagnosed so. Maybe I am the one who is, but this is my life and I can only talk from my own experience in my shoes, walking this path for 23 years.

Finances are already very straightforward, we both have our own careers and money to survive. Thank God.

Will use the next 12 months, to get things prepped. Ducks in row etc.

He will make a dramatic fuss over me 'leaving him' so when I am ready it might be just leaving one fine day and letting him know after the fact. Like he did with me all those years ago, a lie by omission would be fitting way to end this and I a not above it, if it keeps me safe when leaving.

He will have his own story and version - he is very much the wronged party who stuck with me through my tinder craziness and whatnot and now I go do this. I am going to let this be 'the' version and nod along instead of challenging him on it - 'Its not you, its me' - to leave with respect and affection, I still want to be friends even after I have left. Go figure. He was my man, for this lifetime. For sure. Leaving him is not about replacing him at all, I just want to grow old safely and peacefully

I just did'nt know how to fix him or help him, or support him, or keep him happy

Maybe some better woman out there will

No one can fix him. He doesn't want to be fixed. He's happy as he is - an abuser.

I think it's a really good idea to have a plan and work towards it. Would you think about getting some support from a local domestic abuse organisation in the meantime? You're absolutely spot on to say you have to let go of his narrative. You can't change it or make him see sense. He will never admit what he is and what he's doing. Let him have his made up story. Start to learn to think for yourself outside of his narrative. He has dominated you for ages and it takes time to get to know yourself again 💐

@RachelWardd Of course you deserve happiness! You did not commit adultery!

It is very clear that you have been unhappy with him for a long time. ☹️

He broke any vows when he married you on a very false lie.
Then assaulted you multiple times.

You owe him nothing.
He is a vile, angry abusive liar.

Get organised.
Find somewhere lovely to live.
Get it set up and ready to move into.

Get legal advice.

Don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t actually DO anything.
Just put it behind you and focus on your future.
48 is still young.

You can still have lots of fun and do all sorts of things.
Please leave him and be happy.

The only things you should regret are the things you DIDN’T do.
Everything else can be laughed at in retrospect or taken a lesson from.

Spent an hour this morning crying to my mother in her 70s, asking her if she knew why I didnt just up and leave in the first few years - she thinks it was due to trauma from my dad's passing that my reflexes were blunted - I just don't have an excuse though really, menopause is not allowing me to grant myself any excuses either equally as it made me give less grace to 'DH'.

The Preston Davey news has been very triggering as well and heartbreaking - it brought up some memories of how I constantly kept DC by my side till they were at least 5 and started school - I was very overprotective , I did trust the female carers at the nursery they went to from age 2.5-5 but no one else. I never trusted him fully and always kept my guard on, I think a part of me thought if he lied about that, what else could he do. It has caused me so much strain over the years constantly keeping an eye on the children when they were smaller and being with them all the time.

They were very happy bubbly evervescent kids and very extroverted social outgoing with other children growing up, no signs of anything untoward. I suppose every mum has been looking back and rechecking after the headlines news , or maybe just the mums with husbands who lie.

Thanks for your kind posts and emojis @Pinkdayss .......