to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

[RachelWardd]

We met when I was 23 and he was 30.

I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc.

We dated for two years and married when I was 25, my parents were strict catholic and I never lived with him back then (we're talking 20+ years ago now) before we married, just dated , never went away together really either.....stayed over at his at the time, he lived very close to his parents, but said it was cos he loved that part of the city /country growing up and all his friends were there etc so that made sense at the time. I moved in with him after we married.

Long story short. In the first two three years, I knew I had married someone with a very very low fuse (as I called at in my twenties) - prone to anger, somewhat selfish, very focused on his needs, very quick flight or fight responses to any changes in plan

Turns out one of the many reasons he was popping in every evening at his parents' for at least 10 minutes on way home was - they were (well in to his 30s) still monitoring and administering sodium valporate pills to him. I opened the packet once when his dad left it out accidentally and I had popped over.

Slowly it came out in the open that he had been diagnosed with a benign reflex form of epilepsy ( he got partial focal type seizures when taking a hot shower or hot bath and almost always or always only then) from when he was less than 10 years old. But 'DH' still said it was fully under control with medication and he had been 'episode free' since 2001 and we met in 2002 and married in 2004.

Eventually he got off the meds completely in 2008 and as far as I know has not had any more episodes just by being careful I think while in the shower or bath
I still think he should have told me - he grew up going to epilepsy clinics, top neuro consultants, thinking life would not be normal as he was still having seizures, falling in the shower leading to head injuries (multiple) , trips to hospital in the ambulance as a teen.

A big part of his life for the first 30 years - and defined his relations with his parents and siblings - and his outlook on life. At the very least he should have told me as he knows this is sometimes genetic and there is a 30pc chance yet that our teen DC could still go on to develop this and have to go through the same to find the right meds and then to learn how to self limit it.

with all the knowledge we have now online, I do think all his flight or fight dysregulation, responses to stress, conflict, self focus are linked. At least armed with this information, I could have approached our marriage with more empathy and compassion if nothing else.

AIBU for me to still feel angry now and then when I remember this lie by omission and his excuses that it wasnt relevant information to tell me.....I am 48 now, he is 55

Yes I did conceive while he was on sodium valproate , please share if you have any risk factors info , should I be getting some tests done for the DC are mid to late teens

I don't think it's unreasonable to still keep thinking about it.

It was a big deal. It could have been passed to your children. And it meant you didn't get to make an informed choice.

All of those things are very real. And it's a shame he isn't willing or able to talk it through with you.
Counselling would give you the opportunity to explore that with someone though. Sometimes what we need must is to feel validated and told that how we feel matters.

I couldn’t be holding on to this 20 years later OP. For whatever reason, it was done but things are very different now. You’ve had a life and a child together. TBH, I bet even if they’d told you, you would have married him anyway.

If it is symptomatic of your dislike for your DH now and you’re looking for an excuse to leave him, then own that.

Avoid asking strangers on the internet about the implications associated with sodium valproate. I was still on it when I was pregnant and my son didn’t suffer.

Yes, he tricked you into marrying him. You still aren't sure if he has epilepsy or bipolar and your children were put at risk from his medication.

Why are you so quick to attribute his temper and selfishness to epilepsy? He could just be a jerk. Well, you already know he is because of the lying.

Are you thinking of separating?

I agree with you, it's definitely something that should have been men tioned. It's really good he has it very much under control.
Don't like the sound of a short fuse!

As someone who is married to a man with epilepsy who has also taken sodium valproate for as long as I’ve known him, I think you are conflating separate issues.

It sounds like your DH is a bit of a dick with an anger problem. That is not related to his epilepsy. Just who he is.

Is it odd that he didn’t tell you about it? Yes, it is a bit odd. But if it was controlled and he’d not had any type of seizures for an awfully long time, then I can kind of see why. What’s more odd is that he and his parents actually lied as opposed to just not mentioning it. I assume they must have felt some stigma which is quite sad.

Personally, I don’t think it’s a massive deal he didn’t tell you. The risk of it being inherited by your children is very small. So small, I didn’t give it any thought when we decided to have children.

when did your DH tell you , if you dont mind sharing.....

OP, I have a relative who has been on sodium valproate for over 30 years. She’s nothing like your DH. Sometimes illness and/or medication can make people unpleasant and difficult to be around and sometimes they’re just dicks.

Here!

We all conceived whilst taking sodium valproate. The advice has only just changed and is still under review for men taking SV. Don’t worry about that.

It is bizarre not to tell you as what if he’d had an episode while he and you were alone together? Weird. But how long have you known now? Yes it’s something to be upset about but if it was years and years ago that ship has sailed. Unless something else is going on and it’s reminding you of this ‘betrayal’?
My DD (21) has MS. She doesn’t tell anyone about it. But if she became romantically involved and it was starting to become serious of course she would, as it’s not curable and likely to have an impact on her life eventually. As would I tell people that I’m a Type 1 diabetic. Partners need to know the signs, what to do and what the eventual responsibilities might be living with someone aging with a chronic condition.

Yes it's the thought of 'being tricked' in a sense ...although I try to frame it with more empathy than that most good days......

I have walked on eggshells forever now, and I will never know how much of it was because of this , or as some PPs have said, is nothing related to this

I do wish I could let it go, but sometimes my mind says ..leave him now , don't wait till your dying day to try to leave , Do I want to die with him beside me? Or do I want to die alone? How many more years do I myself have at 48, a few or many? Is it worth the pain and trouble? Should I do it on principle

Dunno

Think him saying this morning for the first time on one of our rare almost annual chats about this for 5 mins before he changes topic ofc - ' I always told all my gf's except you' has triggered me.....

I feel anger and love at the same time, and it is very painful feeling both IFYSWIM

We got together when we were 18 and his epilepsy wasn’t controlled back then and he was still having seizures if he hadn’t had enough sleep or was under stress, which was pretty much all the time in uni. So he had to tell me straight away. There were plenty of times I had to put him in the recovery position and look after him.

Had I met him a few years later, once he had grown out of it a bit and his medication dosage was settled, maybe he wouldn’t have told me straight away?

He hasn’t had a seizure now for about 25 years. He still takes 2 pills before bed every night. But other than that, there is no sign that he has epilepsy.

clarifying the above to say I feel anger and familial affection at the same time

I think the romantic love was all a lie

To be honest, I think you're actually attributing his anger issues to his epilepsy when he was, in fact, just a twat. I think you're telling yourself that his personality was down to his epilepsy or his medication because that makes it easier for you to convince yourself you were duped when you married him, rather than just accepting that you chose to marry a man who wasn't very nice.

If you're Catholic, are you by any chance hoping to get your marriage annulled in the eyes of the Catholic Church on the grounds that he deceived you? I know someone who got divorced legally and then tried (unsuccessfully) to get a Catholic annulment as well, so in the eyes of the church she would be unmarried rather than divorced.

I see four things at play here.

1. He withheld information from you so you couldn’t make an informed choice.
2. you weren’t able to make proper and correct decisions about having a child together and the genetic and medical impact on you children.
3. You feel you don’t really know the man you married.
4. That your parents didn’t teach you realistic adult tools. That religious beliefs or way you should conduct yourself was more important.

I really feel you would benefit from talking this through with a professional. There is so much too unpick.

Thank you ....maybe I am blowing it out of proportion, not being told beforehand

It’s a hard one because on the one hand I can see the logic that your medical information is private, you don’t have to share every detail and nobody is entitled to every detail, and I do agree with that.

But the other half of me thinks if it’s someone you plan to share your life with, have children with, especially if the medication can impact those children, they should know.

I don’t mean this is an offensive way OP but it sounds like him having epilepsy would’ve bothered you and perhaps he knew that. Rightly or wrongly, he didn’t feel comfortable telling you.

You’re known for a couple of decades so it’s a long time to hold on to something like this. You don’t need to justify not wanting to be with him anymore.

Honestly, I think you want to leave your husband and are trying to come up with a certain type of reason that you feel will justify it.

Here's the thing, though: you don't need one. Your marriage is clearly very unhappy. That is reason enough to leave someone. You don't need to come up with a specific thing to prove that you should leave. You can simply leave because he's not a very nice man and you don't love him. You don't need to fixate on his epilepsy. It's a red herring.

Your personal health information should not be private from a spouse or long term partner. They have a right to know who they are getting involved with, what they might be signing up for and any consequences for potential children.

Yes all this.

Additionally I feel made a fool of by my in laws

Like I was a barbie doll at 23 for him to play with and discard after a while when he had had his fill and I had lost my novelty value

While they kept him alive administering his meds and watching and waiting for me to go away when the mood swings and temper and emotional swings and volatility became impossible to ignore

He wouldn’t have known his medication could have an impact back then. None of us did. The advice has only just changed and it’s also not definite, it’s precautionary whilst they complete the studies.

DH’s neurologist doesn’t think there is any risk from men taking SV for instance. More data is still needed.