to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

[RachelWardd]

We met when I was 23 and he was 30.

I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc.

We dated for two years and married when I was 25, my parents were strict catholic and I never lived with him back then (we're talking 20+ years ago now) before we married, just dated , never went away together really either.....stayed over at his at the time, he lived very close to his parents, but said it was cos he loved that part of the city /country growing up and all his friends were there etc so that made sense at the time. I moved in with him after we married.

Long story short. In the first two three years, I knew I had married someone with a very very low fuse (as I called at in my twenties) - prone to anger, somewhat selfish, very focused on his needs, very quick flight or fight responses to any changes in plan

Turns out one of the many reasons he was popping in every evening at his parents' for at least 10 minutes on way home was - they were (well in to his 30s) still monitoring and administering sodium valporate pills to him. I opened the packet once when his dad left it out accidentally and I had popped over.

Slowly it came out in the open that he had been diagnosed with a benign reflex form of epilepsy ( he got partial focal type seizures when taking a hot shower or hot bath and almost always or always only then) from when he was less than 10 years old. But 'DH' still said it was fully under control with medication and he had been 'episode free' since 2001 and we met in 2002 and married in 2004.

Eventually he got off the meds completely in 2008 and as far as I know has not had any more episodes just by being careful I think while in the shower or bath
I still think he should have told me - he grew up going to epilepsy clinics, top neuro consultants, thinking life would not be normal as he was still having seizures, falling in the shower leading to head injuries (multiple) , trips to hospital in the ambulance as a teen.

A big part of his life for the first 30 years - and defined his relations with his parents and siblings - and his outlook on life. At the very least he should have told me as he knows this is sometimes genetic and there is a 30pc chance yet that our teen DC could still go on to develop this and have to go through the same to find the right meds and then to learn how to self limit it.

with all the knowledge we have now online, I do think all his flight or fight dysregulation, responses to stress, conflict, self focus are linked. At least armed with this information, I could have approached our marriage with more empathy and compassion if nothing else.

AIBU for me to still feel angry now and then when I remember this lie by omission and his excuses that it wasnt relevant information to tell me.....I am 48 now, he is 55

They lived down the road, he was stopping in there

Maybe he asked them to hold on to it, as he knew that he had never told me about it and did not want me to find out

They later claimed they thought I knew and that he had told me before marriage

Dunno.....

The shame they attached to it is worse much worse than the actual issue

Are you sure he's prescribed it for epilepsy and not bipolar disorder? In any case, he withheld vital health information from you and that has profoundly damaged the trust in your relationship. Not to mention the whole thing with his parents is ridiculous.

HI Kirinm, in your experience, you do not think that the 'Distinct sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system responses' in people with Bathing epilepsy are related to his quick fuse, and other set ways?. Or perhaps it could be more related to the affer effects of the shielding by his parents...hard to say

No I am not sure .....

He has mentioned that his girlfriend before me had bi-polar so I think his original 'plan' was to date someone who had experienced similar and could empathise and whom he could talk to openly about it all

Why did he never tell me? Two years was a long enough time to tell me

He should have told you but I get why he didn't. He saw it as his thing and didn't realise it had any bearing on you.

I'm 47, my best friend's husband has epilepsy - he campaigns at the House of Commons and was on the news last year being interviewed on the changes to PIP. No one in our circle has ever said any religious nonsense around it. And if they did he would very much set them straight. You'd have to be living in a very insular society for demonic possession to be taken remotely seriously in the latter half of the 20th century, when we were growing up, let alone today. My dad is 80, he wouldn't see epilepsy as a moral failing either.

Most epileptics who manage their condition sensibly have medical jewellery and carry cards that explain what medication they are on and how they would like to be helped if they have a seizure. If you collapse in the middle of the street, mum and dad aren't going to be there, are they?

Someone in their thirties should very much be taking control of their own condition and not relying on older relatives. In the ideal world, he would have disclosed this at the point of getting serious with the OP and then she could have decided if she wishes to continue the relationship and take on some responsibility for helping him manage his condition.

It could be entirely unrelated to his epilepsy! He could be just a bit of a shit person.

My sister died as a result of an epileptic seizure when she was 19. I’ve had seizures where I’ve injured myself (and knocked my front teeth out). I’m not an angry or unsympathetic person.

Bi-polar isn’t the same as epilepsy though.

I have to say, your understanding or lack of of epilepsy is showing through your posts. He was wrong not to tell you but the issues with his personality are probably not a result of his experiences of seizures or anything else. He’s possibly just an angry unsympathetic short fused person,

Perhaps your last paragraph is why he didn’t tell her 🤷🏻‍♀️. He was worried she’d leave. I understand that.

Thank you for sharing this @kirinm ....

I am sorry to hear about your sister.....

This morning he said I was the only GF he never told about this, I think that is what triggered me today. Wasnt I worth the truth sort of a spiral.

Or the others noted what they saw as red flags like dropping in at his parents all the time (medication) and living with them almost till 30 (found out later) ...so he had to tell them

While I was so lovestruck I noted nothing....I feel like a fool in his eyes, thats the part that keeps coming up for me

Would you do similar if you fell in love with someone genuinely then? Would you not want them to still want to marry you with the full information?

Are you sure that this isn't an example of 'and another thing' if you are beginning to doubt whether you want to stay married? Because it's a long time after the event.

YANBU. He should have told you. Something so hugely important. Even though I didn't know i had it at the time I still told my husband that genetic Muscular Dystrophy is in my family and he has supported me through the whole testing, diagnosis etc.of that.
Even if he was managing it and had it under control he still should have told you. Ask him why he felt the need to not tell you about it, how can you have a full relationship with such huge secrets, what else might he be hiding?

Yes, anger is directly related to epilepsy.

Sudden feelings of anger or irritability can be caused by the condition itself—especially during or immediately after a seizure—as well as by the emotional stress of living with the disorder or as a side effect of anti-seizure medications.

The relationship between epilepsy and anger manifests in a few specific ways:

Focal Seizures: In rare cases, a seizure (usually originating in the temporal or frontal lobes of the brain) can manifest as a sudden, intense wave of anger or fear. These are called focal emotional seizures.

Post-Ictal State: It is common for people to experience irritability, aggression, or mood swings in the moments or days directly following a seizure, as the brain recovers.

General Triggers: Living with an unpredictable condition can cause significant frustration and anxiety, which often translates to anger or emotional outbursts.

Medication Side Effects: Certain anti-seizure medications are known to cause mood alterations, including sudden irritability and anger

I had epilepsy as a child after chicken pox went into the lining of my brain...out grew it thankfully.

I knew about post seizure irritability but none of the rest. Certainly your DH could get help for his anger OP

Maybe it is. Makes him a bit of a crap person though. Lying by omission is not a symptom of epilepsy.

There are links to autidsm with some epilepsy meds for both parents.

He was unreasonable not to tell you as Sodium Valporate can affect children. epilepsysociety.org.uk/news/men-valproate

Thank you for the links and the info ...

:-(

Your feelings are valid. What are you going to do now ? Perhaps the real question you are asking is - are you unreasonable to split up for this reason. In which case we need to know what the position is for the children, do they love him, how would you separate and so on. Feels like you've not asked exactly what you are questioning

No I wouldn’t but then I’ve never been in a position where I’m being taken off medication - and therefore no longer being treated for epilepsy. Given the timings you’ve referred to, he hadn’t had a seizure since he met you so the lie is that he previously had seizures but was seizure free with medication.

I don’t understand the references to you having a Disney world upbringing and him having experience or hospitals. You’re trying to find an answer as to what you consider his personality flaws and you’re linking them to a condition he had 25 years ago when there may be no such link.

The only unreasonable thing you've done is marry someone who went every night to their parents' house for "vitamins" into their 30's. That would have given me immediate ick.

I wonder if the reason he didn't tell you after telling other girls is that he liked you that much more and didn't want to risk losing you over this? People can be weird about illness, especially unpredictable types, and maybe he thought you wouldn't want him if you knew?

Doesn't make what he did ok though.

Do you think some counselling would help you with it? Just on your own i mean?

I am still at that point where I am wondering if I am completely AIBU to still be upset about this.....20 years on.

I don't know ....I think I want him to talk about it openly much more, get counselling or therapy as his parents taught him a shame response rather than shining a light on it so he felt he had to hide it.....his world view is not the same as mine as a result. or our priorities individually on some very very important values.

Yes counselling just for myself might be of help to me....will look into that

Didnt know re his parents giving him meds every night, maybe he used to forget to take it in his teens so they continued monitoring well into twenties or maybe he moved the meds to theirs before i moved in, they were enroute from work to home

The first time , The day I saw the sodium valproate tabs labelled 'epilex' my his suitcase, when he and his dad came to the hospital to see my dad , whom I had stayed overnight at the hospital with - that same day I found what the man I married was taking this medication was the same morning the doctor told me that my 56 year old relatively healthy, very active Banker dad had pancreatic cancer and had only 6 months more max

Life got really real that day........

He was wrong not to tell you, but it is many years since you found out. You can't keep bringing it up if you want to stay married- time to deal with it or let it go.