to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

[RachelWardd]

We met when I was 23 and he was 30.

I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc.

We dated for two years and married when I was 25, my parents were strict catholic and I never lived with him back then (we're talking 20+ years ago now) before we married, just dated , never went away together really either.....stayed over at his at the time, he lived very close to his parents, but said it was cos he loved that part of the city /country growing up and all his friends were there etc so that made sense at the time. I moved in with him after we married.

Long story short. In the first two three years, I knew I had married someone with a very very low fuse (as I called at in my twenties) - prone to anger, somewhat selfish, very focused on his needs, very quick flight or fight responses to any changes in plan

Turns out one of the many reasons he was popping in every evening at his parents' for at least 10 minutes on way home was - they were (well in to his 30s) still monitoring and administering sodium valporate pills to him. I opened the packet once when his dad left it out accidentally and I had popped over.

Slowly it came out in the open that he had been diagnosed with a benign reflex form of epilepsy ( he got partial focal type seizures when taking a hot shower or hot bath and almost always or always only then) from when he was less than 10 years old. But 'DH' still said it was fully under control with medication and he had been 'episode free' since 2001 and we met in 2002 and married in 2004.

Eventually he got off the meds completely in 2008 and as far as I know has not had any more episodes just by being careful I think while in the shower or bath
I still think he should have told me - he grew up going to epilepsy clinics, top neuro consultants, thinking life would not be normal as he was still having seizures, falling in the shower leading to head injuries (multiple) , trips to hospital in the ambulance as a teen.

A big part of his life for the first 30 years - and defined his relations with his parents and siblings - and his outlook on life. At the very least he should have told me as he knows this is sometimes genetic and there is a 30pc chance yet that our teen DC could still go on to develop this and have to go through the same to find the right meds and then to learn how to self limit it.

with all the knowledge we have now online, I do think all his flight or fight dysregulation, responses to stress, conflict, self focus are linked. At least armed with this information, I could have approached our marriage with more empathy and compassion if nothing else.

AIBU for me to still feel angry now and then when I remember this lie by omission and his excuses that it wasnt relevant information to tell me.....I am 48 now, he is 55

Yes he stopped taking them the same time he stopped the sodium V

Good point.....never realised how telling stopping that as well is that it was always just a cover

Is it because you feel responsible for your choices that you can’t/wont leave?

I wonder it helps to separate out what’s actually relevant to the point you’re making. The epilepsy itself is one issue, and whether he should have disclosed it before marriage is a separate issue about trust in the relationship. But some of the other dynamics you mention, his temperament, conflict style, and his relationship with his parents, aren’t really explained by epilepsy. And I don’t think it’s fair or accurate to link those things directly to a medical condition, especially given he’s been seizure-free for many years and off medication for a long time. The fact his parents were involved in monitoring medication into adulthood sounds unusual, but that’s more about family boundaries and how they handled his condition, not epilepsy itself. I don’t think you’re wrong to feel angry about not being told something significant about his medical history. But it may help to keep that separate from assumptions about what caused his personality or behaviour, so you can judge each issue on its own merits. Does that make sense?

@Arlanymor did you miss the part were the OP said her parents were strict Catholics? You're practically the generation below me and I would expect the nonsense to stop by then, but I'm just repeating what I heard around me from older people. There was a massive stigma.

It feels like you’ve come on here to get “permission” to leave. You don’t need permission—regardless of any of the backstory, he’s being a dick to you, and you’re allowed to leave. If that’s what you want.

https://www.nhs.uk/medicines/sodium-valproate/about-sodium-valproate/

For men taking sodium valproate, your fertility could be affected. It may also cause learning or behavioural problems in your child if your partner becomes pregnant while you're taking sodium valproate.

For men who could possibly have children, it's important to discuss sodium valproate with your doctor. You and your partner should use contraception while you're taking sodium valproate and for at least 3 months after stopping.
For men who are planning to start a family within the next year, speak to a doctor about your treatment options. Do not stop taking sodium valproate without speaking to a doctor first.

Are you in England? His full medical records will be on the NHS app. I can see my school age vaccinations on there!

There are plenty of people with epilepsy who:

a) Take their medication correctly, as adults
b) Are not neurodiverse
c) Tell prospective partners about it
d) Don't attribute personality traits (e.g. anger) to what is a neurological condition

There is a link between epilepsy and ND but that's not to say every person with epilepsy has autism/ADHD and every person with ADHD/autism has epilepsy. It's a % increase.

Sodium valporate shouldn't be taken by expectant mothers. I think (I may be wrong) while the same guidelines which restrict it's usage also impact men, it's actually got a statistically very low chance of causing any foetal damage.

"Do I want to die with him beside me? Or do I want to die alone? How many more years do I myself have at 48, a few or many? Is it worth the pain and trouble? Should I do it on principle"

Sorry to be a bit blunt OP, but men tend to have shorter lives than women on the whole, so as he's older you'll probably not have him by your side anyway.
40s is an age when many people start reassessing their lives. I think you'd benefit from some counselling for you alone, there is a lot going on in there.
But 48 is not too old to split at all, and if you feel so strongly that he betrayed the younger you then you may have to split, if he's not prepared to acknowledge how you feel. It can take a long time for things to sink in sometimes. It's impossible to put the lid back on once you've had the realisation.
And that's without considering his short fuse etc.

OP, is sounds like you still have no idea whether is has epilesy or bi-polar or some other medicsl condition.

Let's be honest, you have no idea. He didn't disclose it then and he isn't disclosing it now.

You don't know who you have married and you can't trust him as he isn't honest with you.

It's not about whetner you would have stayed with him or not. For most people, epilesy isn't a reason to end a relationship. Bi-polar idn't necessary either but you would have certainly asked for more details.

I can't have kids. I told everyone I dated very early on, even though it's a heavy discussion for an early date. It's deception otherwise.

It seems complete wrong to me that lying about meducal conditions can invalidate insurance, lead to job loses but there's nothing in place to stop disclosing it to a spouse.

Incidentially, I know 5 people with epilesy, albeit none of them closely. None of them have an anger problem.

My DH takes SV for bipolar disorder and they now say that men taking it during conception can lead to neurodevelopmental disorders in children. DH had only just been diagnosed and put on it when I got pregnant. DS13 is autistic and has mental health issues. Whether it's related or not I can't say.

I have to take extra folic acid as a result of my medication. It could be something similar with him so he was genuinely taking some sort of supplement as well. Doesn’t explain why his parents were monitoring it though.

Yes it was linked with lots of vague beliefs about possession by demons etc in many cultures and religions including ours , I don't know why, apart from ignorance

He actually sat and watched the exorcism of emily rose with me, he was the one who suggested it - this was 2007 so I do not think I knew yet , not really re his past diagnosis, but I remember how uneasy his sister looked when I in my ignorance said we watched it last night and I was terrified

If he understood it could be genetic and chose to have children with you, he absolutely should of told you. Otherwise, it would be a necessity IMO for a partner to have a full medical history including conditions that were no longer symptomatic.

Thank you for sharing this ......

This thread shows why people with epilepsy don’t tell people. There is still a stigma isn’t there. How many other conditions would people not want to marry someone with.
As a parent of a young adult with controlled epilepsy the fear of something bad happening never leaves you.

Yes, agree. I actually think the entire thread is a bit off. Snoop through his medical records? Attribute all his poor behaviour to epilepsy? Give it a rest. Fair enough, he might be unkind and you don't like him, but it's got nothing to do with what is a neurological condition. Also he's been seizure-free for 25 years, so it doesn't even make sense.

No I didn't miss is - I'm just not living in the past. They are the same generation as me and it has stopped! That nonsense does not persist unless people are literally living on Craggy Island. Hence my point that no one of my age would ever remotely link epilepsy with a religious blight. You yourself said you heard it from older people who are the generation above you, which is two generations above both me and the poster! There has not been that kind of affiliation in literally nearly a century. Hence why I think it's nuts that it could be considered a mitigation for his behaviour.

Did you miss the part where I explained that adults can manage their own conditions and epileptics routinely have medical jewellery and carry information on them that explain their precise condition and how best to help if you are a passerby? My friend's husband has a rare form and has petit mal seizures weekly. His card explains all of this if someone finds him in the street. He's a year younger than me and has carried this information since birth... he's 46. Nearly half a century of managing epilepsy and not blaming the devil or needing his mum and dad to give him 'vitamins' (well he's an orphan actually, but that's by the by).

Twenty plus years ago, the internet was in its infancy. Today, you probably woukd have looked up the medication straight away and researched it deeply. Then, we would take it on face value.

i think you feel cheated out of being able to make choices had you known the full knowledge. Also, cheated because he kept this side of him from you, so he wasn’t totally open and honest with you.

Yes partly. Also I feel like his carer in a way, I feel sorry for what he went through the first 30 years, I cant imagine being scared of falling and hitting my head every single time I went for a shower

But I also feel angry he lied by omission, and outright in many ways (what the meds were , why his parents were so over protective etc)

I also normalised it, like the boiling frog analogy in reverse - I didnt react to it with the magnititude I should have at the time, because the truth came out gradually at the same period of my dad's diagnosis, death, helping and supporting my bewildered mother through loss and bereavement and handling my own grief....I normalised it ,now it feels silly to kick up a ruckus 20 years on

And yet a part of me says my feeling are very valid and it is never too late to put me first sometimes too, even if leaving is not in my best interests at all, it would be the principle of it I think....or maybe I want some big words, actions and acknowledgement from him

You're not his carer! He's not had a seizure in 25 years. Why on earth do you feel like that?

Thank you, Youre right I just realised that when I read it, he kept a part of him from me, the real him, what he really had been through and to me that makes the whole 'courtship' years just a facade , the carefree devil may care, not a fear in the world him he was , that vanished the day rings were exchanged or shortly after

Not recently though - this is fully historic nonsense. You wouldn't find a church in the land - in any faith - that would link epilepsy with demon possession. That simply isn't true. And I say faith because I mean mainstream faiths - can't speak for the weird cults of course.

To be clear, I wasn’t suggesting OP snoop for his medical records. Just making the point that they are not thrown away as OP’s DH had said, they’re all on the app.

I agree with you, his behaviour has nothing to do with epilepsy, especially as he is no longer symptomatic or on any medication.

Read the OP @Arlanymor she only found after they were married.