to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

[RachelWardd]

We met when I was 23 and he was 30.

I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc.

We dated for two years and married when I was 25, my parents were strict catholic and I never lived with him back then (we're talking 20+ years ago now) before we married, just dated , never went away together really either.....stayed over at his at the time, he lived very close to his parents, but said it was cos he loved that part of the city /country growing up and all his friends were there etc so that made sense at the time. I moved in with him after we married.

Long story short. In the first two three years, I knew I had married someone with a very very low fuse (as I called at in my twenties) - prone to anger, somewhat selfish, very focused on his needs, very quick flight or fight responses to any changes in plan

Turns out one of the many reasons he was popping in every evening at his parents' for at least 10 minutes on way home was - they were (well in to his 30s) still monitoring and administering sodium valporate pills to him. I opened the packet once when his dad left it out accidentally and I had popped over.

Slowly it came out in the open that he had been diagnosed with a benign reflex form of epilepsy ( he got partial focal type seizures when taking a hot shower or hot bath and almost always or always only then) from when he was less than 10 years old. But 'DH' still said it was fully under control with medication and he had been 'episode free' since 2001 and we met in 2002 and married in 2004.

Eventually he got off the meds completely in 2008 and as far as I know has not had any more episodes just by being careful I think while in the shower or bath
I still think he should have told me - he grew up going to epilepsy clinics, top neuro consultants, thinking life would not be normal as he was still having seizures, falling in the shower leading to head injuries (multiple) , trips to hospital in the ambulance as a teen.

A big part of his life for the first 30 years - and defined his relations with his parents and siblings - and his outlook on life. At the very least he should have told me as he knows this is sometimes genetic and there is a 30pc chance yet that our teen DC could still go on to develop this and have to go through the same to find the right meds and then to learn how to self limit it.

with all the knowledge we have now online, I do think all his flight or fight dysregulation, responses to stress, conflict, self focus are linked. At least armed with this information, I could have approached our marriage with more empathy and compassion if nothing else.

AIBU for me to still feel angry now and then when I remember this lie by omission and his excuses that it wasnt relevant information to tell me.....I am 48 now, he is 55

I did read it. She didn't know about the epilepsy but she did know he was going to his parents daily for 'vitamins' when they were 'courting' - because he was going every day! That was what I was asking about because if I was dating someone who was going to his parents every day for vitamins I would be asking why! It's weird for a man in his 30s!

Fair enough. Not all my medical records are on the app BTW. Just a weird pic 'n' mix! Irrespective I'm starting to think the entire conversation has moved into the absurd now...

I've been epileptic since 2 and it is one of the few forms of discrimination that's A-Ok in society. I've lost relationships, jobs and life experiences.

The fact that you've still got an axe to grind with him about it shows just how hated the condition is.

Thank you, what would you do if you were me, or have done 20 years when you found out?

I didnt know he was going everyday before we got married, did not know for a while after either....he lied by omission

What happens when he loses his temper or his mood swings suddenly OP? Are you able to discuss it? Can he be rational and compromise? Is he violent to you or your children?

I am reading that you are very upset he lied by omission on the epilepsy, and I agree. That was wrong. But the current day to day issue seems to be his moods and temper. You say you walk on eggshells. What does living in your home look like on a daily basis with him?

So before you got married you never spent 24 hours in his company? Sorry I rather assumed that you would have. My bad if you didn't. But also I wouldn't marry someone that I hadn't spent at least one solid spin around the sun with. I am also starting to think that this thread isn't really about the epilepsy any more, particularly as it's not been an issue for him for the past quarter of a century. You're just not happy are you? And that's fine to say. You don't need to find a reason for it, you are permitted to be unhappy with him - the short fuse thing alone is enough for me not to want to be with a person.

This thread has nothing to do with discrimination against people with epilepsy. It's about a man who hid a serious health condition from his wife. It may not be epilepsy. As mentioned previously, it could also be bipolar disorder. The thread is about lying and betrayal of trust. It also sounds like he's a difficult and unpleasant personality anyway, irrespective of any health condition.

This thread has strayed a bit and the suggestion of some sort of neurodivergence or autism or anger is probably why he didn’t mention in the first place.

What I don’t understand OP, is why you care that he had epileptic seizures before you were married?

You have your children now, presumably they are not epileptic? It is therefore highly highly unlikely that they have inherited his condition. And even if they did develop epilepsy, it doesn’t matter. It’s easily controlled and most grow out of it.

His historic epilepsy doesn’t impact you or your children at all.

The OP hasn’t talked about bipolar. Posters on this thread have simply by reference to the medication he took.

I dont hate the condition, I have never seen him have a seizure, or been able to or had to (whichever way you look at it) support him through one.

I dont think I would have minded that? but I know its easy for me to say.

What I do mind is ....the few times he has hit me really really hard during an argument - over the years there have been arguments over in laws, another woman , another man, and many other things in 23 years - and I Learnt how to eggshell walk so he never gets too angry

I know people on here are saying anger is personality not the brain malfunction, I know people are saying anger is not related to SV, or the diagnosis

But the science itself is grey , in that anger outbursts can happen with a brain tumor, and epilepsy can be due to lesions in the brain - its a grey zone and yes I have read a lot over the years. Although those who actually have the condition I dont want to contradict what you are saying, but perhaps HWE could be different to other types of non reflex E and so on. I dont know.

I could swear during those few physical outbursts in the past -and Im talking about way back, I could have sworn it looked like mid seizure when he lashed out, the look in his eyes, the expression on his face

when he is upset I soothe him like a child, I may or may not get my point across later, I compromise and adjust a lot, I pick very very few battles, I have gotten good at it by now, there is no resemblance to the sunny 22 year old I once was who spoke her mind all the time

Well, if I was you, I would have done what you've done. If I was me, I would have asked my boyfriend why he was constantly going around for "gummies". I would have been a bit suspicious because it is a bit odd why a bloke HAS to go to his parents nightly in his 30s. So the buck would've probably stopped there. If I had found out they were secretly feeding him epilepsy tablets, I would've ended it. Not because of the epilepsy - that would be fine - but the weird relationship issues. If I was you now (which I wonder is what you're actually asking) I would stop blaming my decisions I made 25 years ago on a relatively common neurological condition and think properly about my relationship. I wouldn't, seriously, be still pissed off that someone hadn't told me they took sodium valporate decades ago. I wonder if he's unkind to you? That's a different issue - separate to epilepsy. You don't have to construct a reason for leaving.

Sorry I know that was a drip feed, but it would have been the only point anyone voted on if it had been in the OP

I guess I have started lying by omission too

Your feelings are valid. You are still upset about it 20 years on because it's still having a huge impact on your life 20 years on. He still isn't open with you about it, but it impacts your life hugely. I would suggest that the continued focus on it shows that you aren't happy where you are, but all I have to go on is what you've written here. There is probably a lot more to your life than this.

Also, though, I think you need to have a proper think about how and why you've put up with his anger. Initially you did so without any "excuse" to pin it on and then it seems, as soon as you could, you used his epilepsy to excuse it and did not insist he seek treatment to help him cope with it in a way that wasn't detrimental to you. That's a pretty tough thing to accept, but it seems to me that it's important to understand yourself what has lead you to put up with this and feel obliged to someone you don't, by the sounds of it, really want to spend the rest of your life with.

And just stop feeling guilty about him or obliged to look after him because you made decisions in ignorance years ago. Put that to one side. You have one life and it's half way over. How do you want the decades you have left to look?

And OP also said she doesn't actually know what illness he has.

You know, I had an ex with a short fuse, gave him all sorts of excuses, he's just easily stressed, it's his parents, he's tired, he's just hungry, I should have done X or y, I shouldn't have said this or that...

And that might might all be true but if at the end of the day you're still unhappy, what good does making excuses for him do?

I left my ex and it was hard the first year but I have never looked back. Now I don't worry about what I say, when I say it, if it's too hot or too cold, if he's eaten, if we've had sex in the last 5 mins, if I didn't distract him, if he's level headed enough to drive etc etc etc..

There IS an alternative for you.

Stunned the thread into silence with that drip feed :-(

OK thank you

I guess its because of his short fuse, that I have in my head determined is part of his parasympathetic nervous system disregulation

The anger is still an ongoing thing, I just eggshell walk my way out of it now, I never insist on anything if that makes sense. We do what he wants to do 90pc of the time, the rest of the time is well, pleading and soft pleading works 10pc of the time

Rubbish. This isn’t about whether someone should not want to marry someone with epilepsy or any other health condition for that matter.

But if you have a life threatening health condition, then your partner has a right to know. Especially when that condition is genetic and there is a chance, however small, that your children can inherit it.

Marriage is supposed to be built on a foundation of honesty and trust. If you don’t trust your life partner enough to tell them that you have a life threatening condition, and you actively lie about it, then the marriage has very little foundation.

He sounds like he’s an abusive arsehole and that he is the one who is using all manner of excuses for that. But that’s separate from the epilepsy.

Everyone knows that epilepsy can and does regress sometimes. So what position would that have put the OP in if he had a fit while driving, or just while out, and the paramedics had to be called and when asked about his medical history she answered that he had no history of epilepsy?

Where does that end? Are all health conditions the concern of the person with them and them only?

If someone is diagnosed with an illness during their marriage is it ok to withhold that from their family?

I know someone who withheld a terminal diagnosis from her family until two days before she died, when she was rushed into hospital and the dr’s made it known to her husband that she was terminal. He knew she had cancer, didn’t know the extent.

I had a heart transplant just over a year ago. If you didn’t know now, you wouldn’t know. I do have a scar but tbh it’s barely visible. Should I withhold that information from future partners even though a transplant isn’t a cure per se and the average prognosis is 15 years when though many exceed that, some obviously don’t.

Your average member of the public, fine. Nobody’s business what your medical conditions are.

Your life partner, absolutely it’s their business if they’re sharing your life, and are going to be the ones left behind if anything happens to you. Or the ones supporting you through any relapse.

I no longer take the ND assumptions seriously, ND is just a get-out these days for awful behaviour. I’m not talking people who have been diagnosed as a child, but people who are abusive arseholes who suddenly decide, or the world does, that they must be nd. Bollocks. Plenty of people are just abusive arseholes. There’s no diagnosis to brush that one away.

He cried and apologised after the hitting, it was maybe 3-4 times in 23 years , after that I never went there , like put myself in that place again where it would happen

This man has hit you. You are in an abusive relationship. This has nothing to do with any of his medical conditions.

That's no way to live my love. No way at all. Once is too much.

Yeah…LTB

The anger outbursts actually look like a seizure in progress, his eyes go far away, his face does some inner terrible terrible battle, it was long ago but I remember it

If I had had the information beforehand, I could have been more empathetic and not held him to a 'normal' standard, as up to then it looks like his parents, few friends and all previous GFs knew and were more like emotional carers.