AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

Just had a bit of a ding dong with my partner of several years about his 11 year old daughter wearing make up to school this morning and need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

He's just come into our bedroom laughing saying she's wearing make up for school, so I said 'and did you tell her to take it off'? He said no, all her friends wearing it apparently and the teacher just shrugs her shoulders. I said, regardless of what his 11 year old says, he should tell her to take it off.

As a parent myself of a grown girl, there is no way she'd have been allowed to wear make up to school. He says he's going to let her get into trouble at school if it's an issue. I said he should be the one telling her, not school and that he's just avoiding a confrontation and hoping the teachers will do the parenting and it's not fair on them. It's his responsibility.

She's with us about 40% of the time and I'm struggling with him allowing her to get away with so many things, food, phone use etc.

Anyway, he's now in a strop saying I'm criticising his parenting (I am about the make up, I have told him I absolutely think he's wrong on this and feel really strongly about it, he says I'mover reacting and is really angry).

I don't think I can cope with this anymore, being a stepmum is really bloody hard. Why do I even care. I should just let it go. I've said if I'm a part of the kids lives I have to be able to tell him when I disagree with things. I just don't know if I can cope with another 5 or 6 years of teenage stuff and staying quiet about things I feel quite strongly about...

I said it before on here: this is (partially) why I don’t live with DP or spend any significant time with his DD. And every time he tells me he’s not liking us not living together, his DD jolts him by pulling some stunts and I just go: I’ll go home now, let you deal with it, bye!
It’s just normal teenage stuff, but it’s not my child, she’s got her own parents. I’ve done my time, thanks.

And yet, my daughter never did that.

If I live with her 40% of the time it's incredibly difficult to only be involved in certain parts like cooking, laundry, my time, etc but not be able to express concern or an opinion
Again, expressing your opinion is different to expecting your opinion to direct what he does when it totally goes against his views.

You do keep feeling aggrieved that he didn't do and say as you told him he should.

If he tells you you opinion doesn't count, ever, that is an issue, especially if you are expected to take on duties.

If you express your views aggressively or accusatory, it's inevitable he will automatically go in defensive mode. You need to change how you express your views.

If you express your views in a productive way, he listens acutely, ask questions, but in the end, says he gets what you are saying but doesn't agree with it, then you need to accept that it is right he should have the last word. If you get resentful, then you need to consider your role in the family.

Poor school that allows eleven year olds to wear make up tbh.

Why did you start using make up ? I never understand why women use it unless they have something they feel they need to cover ie acne or a scar. Genuine question not a dig.

I think if you had written your post as if you were a concerned parent who had observed another parent's questionable parenting you would have received very different responses. You would have been told to contact the school, the safe guarding team, social services, the police. It seems a lot of MNs think that everyone has a right to challenge poor parenting apart from step parents. Apparently, it is none of their business even when they witness first hand poor parenting and play a co-parent role to some extent.

If you are living with someone who has a child but you are excluded from any parenting decisions, then you are not really part of that family. You are more like a lodger who performs various functions upon request. Almost a member of staff who pays for the privilege of being there.

For lots of girls, make-up helps them feel more confident and helps them fit in. In a world where our children's mental health seems to be at an all time low, I don't know how that can be anything other than a good thing.

She’s 11 years old! Still at primary school! A child! Make up is not what 11 year olds need to help them feel more confident!

I despair.

The thing is, I don't think he does think it's ok for her to wear make up to school. He just didn't want a confrontation.
I absolutely am not controlling! I just don't think he should defer to teachers to do the disciplining, to be the ones to either turn a blind eye or tell her to take it off. That's his job as a parent.

I need to clarify with him if he thinks make up at primary school is ok. If he does then we'll have to agree to disagree.

If I was controlling, at age 11 she'd have a curfew for her phone and chatting o line at night, not staying in bed all day, making her bed and eating some fruit and vegetables!!!

You don’t know how an 11 yr old child thinking she needs makeup can be anything but good?

surely you’re joking?

It’s not acceptable at all OP and very worrying that this little girl is already so focused on her appearance. I think you were right to share your opinion, but you can’t do any more.

My daughter is 11 and I let her wear a bit of mascara and lipgloss, I don't really see it as a problem.

To primary school?

I've said if I'm a part of the kids lives I have to be able to tell him when I disagree with things

That doesn’t man you get to dictate things and cause arguments if he didn’t dance to your tune.

Why would you do this to yourself? You are handing your poor dd reasons to see you as a hated stepmother.

Shes in year 7 late birthday

she is in year 7 late birthday

"As another parent" You would have been told to contact the school, the safe guarding team, social services, the police.

What planet are you on?! No one is doing any of that because they saw a dad let his 11 year old wear concealer and mascara to school, the other parents are presumably just as lax as him if her friends are also doing it.. so doubtful they would even care.

In fairness, I think people saying it is "none of OPs business" are categorically wrong, as a step parent, it is her concern, and she absolutely CAN have an opinion on it, but she doesn't have any authority to implement or enforce rules that the actual parent disagrees with and she needs to accept that.

Ideally you should choose a partner who has the same parenting style as you if you want to avoid these issues.

YABU

I completely agree with you about wearing make up at 11.
No way would I let my child wear make up at that age to school.

I also think it’s fine for you to voice your opinion.
As his partner and DDs step mum, you should get an opinion.

However, it’s not ok to throw your toys out of the pram because your DP didn’t do what you say.

No matter how much cooking and cleaning you do, his opinion will anyways trump yours when it comes to his own DD.
I don’t know why you’d get in a huff about that.

You definitely need to remember where your lane is and stay in it.

I didn't say anything to her.

I said it to him.

It's against mum's and school rules.

She had a full face of make up on, at 11, for primary school.

He couldn't deal with a confrontation so said he'd let school deal with it.

I feel shit now because he and I had cross words.

She's oblivious so I'll hardly be a hated stepmother. I gave her most of the make up ffs, it's just not for primary school use in my books.

Maybe, like my dad did, he took the 'pick your battles' approach.

I'm not into make up. I don't really like seeing young girls with make up. I do think rules are important, but in this case, I would definitely see it as a pick your battle case. I would just bring it up as a discussion at another time to better understand why it's important to them. If it is a self esteem issue, I would focus on what I could do to improve it.

I struggle to understand the posters who seem to think it's a massive problem. A massive problem would be smoking behind the gates. Finding out they are bullying a kid. Answering back to a teacher. Refusing to do homework.

Nope, wrong. I didn't throw my toys because he disagreed with me. I was frustrated because he bottled a confrontation with his 11 year old and said he'd let the teacher deal with it. He won't parent her unless it's fun things. It's very difficult to watch.

It's clearly not a school rule not to, or if it is it's not enforced, so why shouldn't she? What difference does it actually make to her ability to learn?

It's not your place to discipline or criticise your partners child. Her phone use and what food she consumes are also not really your business.

This! My daughter was at guides camp at the weekend and one of her classmates (year 6, 11 years old) turned up with multiple serums, eyelash curlers, mascara, lipstick etc. For camping! And then apparently spent the whole camp talking about how she was missing her boyfriend. Does not have acne/ scarring or anything else going on that she might need to cover up. It's amazing the differences between how 'adult' some of the 11 year olds are and others more childlike still. Mine is more on the childlike side. There is a Y6 leavers prom and many of the parents are actively encouraging full faces of make up, getting hair done, heels and what I would consider inappropriate dresses, going with 'dates' etc. etc. Way too young in my opinion.

Anyway I agree here you need to go along with dad's rules, much as I agree with you that it is wrong at 11.

"should" isn't a word I particularly like, mostly because it's usually used to push opinion, rather than facts.

In this context it's definitely opinion. Yours and his differ, and as the parent his opinion is the one that goes.

You don't have to agree with it, but it's for him to decide.

He sounds a bit Disney. It's up to you to decide if you can live with that.

Erm, I do the cooking?

And you think I shouldn't be concerned when an 11 year old who spends 40% of the time with me/us, is on the phone to her boyfriend at 11pm at night?

Ok. You do you. I think I'm in the right to be concerned.

He is right to let school
feal with it. While I agree with you that make up on primary school
children is horrible, it doesn’t matter enough for a father to damage his relationship with his daughter. It’s make up, it’s not hurting anyone.

It doesn’t matter that you didn’t say anything to her. Your DSD isn’t stupid, she will be able to tell that you are the one loading the bullets and making her father fire them. From personal experience, I know how damaging that dynamic can be and the effect of it don’t just vanish as soon as this individual row is forgotten about.

What have been your experiences with men op that you are in love with one who is so deeply deeply selfish? Have you ever been single op? It’s better than this.