AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

Just had a bit of a ding dong with my partner of several years about his 11 year old daughter wearing make up to school this morning and need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

He's just come into our bedroom laughing saying she's wearing make up for school, so I said 'and did you tell her to take it off'? He said no, all her friends wearing it apparently and the teacher just shrugs her shoulders. I said, regardless of what his 11 year old says, he should tell her to take it off.

As a parent myself of a grown girl, there is no way she'd have been allowed to wear make up to school. He says he's going to let her get into trouble at school if it's an issue. I said he should be the one telling her, not school and that he's just avoiding a confrontation and hoping the teachers will do the parenting and it's not fair on them. It's his responsibility.

She's with us about 40% of the time and I'm struggling with him allowing her to get away with so many things, food, phone use etc.

Anyway, he's now in a strop saying I'm criticising his parenting (I am about the make up, I have told him I absolutely think he's wrong on this and feel really strongly about it, he says I'mover reacting and is really angry).

I don't think I can cope with this anymore, being a stepmum is really bloody hard. Why do I even care. I should just let it go. I've said if I'm a part of the kids lives I have to be able to tell him when I disagree with things. I just don't know if I can cope with another 5 or 6 years of teenage stuff and staying quiet about things I feel quite strongly about...

She'll be in high school in a few months, a bit of makeup will be nothing in comparison if you continue to make huge deals out of not much.

I think her Dad's approach is fine tbh, he doesnt have an issue with it, and is happy for the school to deal with it if they have.

I'm with you OP. 11 year olds should not be wearing make up to school. Let's not sexualise children.

Humans have always painted themselves. Neanderthals painted themselves. The issue was creepy men turing natural behaviour as a cue that a girl is sexually ready/available and society allowing men to use it as an excuse to abuse.

Who will be judged? The stepparent? The girl?

Honestly my daughter was in the minority to 'not' wear makeup for a while - she didn't care and it was her choice. Can't see that judgement from other people has much relevance here.

Really it doesn't matter - at the end of the day, the parenting structure in this house is that the OP isn't in charge of the kids, their parents are. So she can live with it or not.

Quite! And by June, Jesus we are so over it! There's other kids getting away with it now she is trying!

Sorry what?

School life is meant to mirror work? Is it though? Primary school?

I think there are huge issues with 11 year olds wearing make up to school. She’s only just out of primary ffs. Something has gone terribly wrong with society if this is seen as OK.

ETA I see she is actually still at primary.

I was running around with Adam Ant warpaint on my face at 10/11. I copied the human league girl's make up.

I didn't wear it to primary school.

I really think it's brilliant to experiment with make up, clothes etc.

Just not at 11 and primary school. People seem to be missing my point.

It's against school rules and mum's rules.

He didn't tell her to take it off as he said school could deal with it.

He avoids all confrontation with her.

I worry it's going to make her actual teenage years difficult when she's allowed to do pretty much as she pleases at 11.

If I live with her 40% of the time it's incredibly difficult to only be involved in certain parts like cooking, laundry, my time, etc but not be able to express concern or an opinion.

Ignore @Ponoka7 she is talking rubbish! Bottom line, make up is a big no in primary schools. Primary schools do not not mirror real life do they?
Secondary schools are better for make up and the rules allow a little bit. Keep her a child as long as possible.

And financial support as well...holidays, clothes, etc etc. Stepmums on Mumsnet make Stepford Wives look liberated.

Are you going to say this to him?

Have only read OP responses, but wouldn't the "get in your lane SM!" posters agree that the inconsistent parenting rules between the child's DM and DF are a bit of a problem? Children need boundaries and consistency. Can you persuade your DP to actually sit down with the DM and discuss boundaries, especially as tweenage years are coming, so they can have a more consistent approach.

Which is not her way or the highway, even though you agree with her, there probably needs to be some give and take. Personally I'd let it go with the makeup but crack down on the screens. Not up to me, or perhaps OP as SM, but the two parents. Preferably together.

Eleven and makeup and school. No. What are we teaching young girls ?

I think, for your own peace of mind, you have to accept that she is his daughter and he will make different parenting decisions to you, rightly or wrongly. You're his partner and as such, I think it's ok to express an opinion and that's not something you need to apologise for as long as that opinion is expressed calmly and rationally. But ultimately, these are his parenting decisions to make.

The only proviso I would add is where those decisions affect other family members and family life - then I think it needs to be a discussion and joint decision. This is just a normal part of navigating life as a blended family.

His child being allowed to wear make up to school doesn't actually affect you at all, except mildly annoying you because you don't agree with it. So not really worth having an argument about imo. Pick your battles - things that directly affect you are worth having a discussion about.

Exactly.

He'll want her room cleaned, or washing done, or meals cooked, or help with homework, or lifts places. Anything facilitating her life.

But zero input on parenting.

Wonder if he'd want OP's involvement on inappropriate dressing for school (e.g. skirts hiked up too far). Because make-up in primary school would seem to suggest that appropriate for school standards aren't being enforced now. Which will mean dad will find it harder to lay down the law later.

I was on your Stepdaughter's side until I found out she was in primary.
Absolutely not..... teachers will definitely be judging you.... in Secondary, the teachers don't even know your kid nevermind you!! 🤣🤣🤣

If the mother wouldn't allow it, then he should be backing her up and not allowing it either. If she is at primary then definitely not.

All secondary kids do it though, we just used to put ours on when we got to school. The local secondary allow light makeup, but anything more than that and they have to remove it.

In my day (80's), we were all wearing bright blue eyeliner and mascara and always getting into trouble for it. We were also reapplying our bright pink lipstick, or roller ball lip glosses every 5 minutes .

Makeup has its place, but it should also be the norm to not wear makeup.

Make up, as in mascara, spot coverage, lip salve isn't a big no in every primary school. So we haven't painted ourselves since we had evidence of life? I take you also support branding what girls/women put on their bodies as sexual? Perhaps chat to your safeguarding lead. Great teacher if you just brand someone with a different opinion as talking rubbish, but then children aren't being taught critical thinking. Why do primary schools insist on branded clothing?

Oh yeah, there once was this girl and she wore makeup and her brain didn’t work so she didn’t learn anything at school. Eyeroll. Are you one of those parents who makes up rules and demands they are followed just because?

I am with you OP. Kids should not be wearing make up to primary school. Fine if they want to experiment at home but that's as far as it should get at that age.

Why do primary schools insist on branded uniforms? Children going into year 5 have a different set of expectations, they are being prepared for year 6. Year 6 prepares for high school. My GC primary teacher told parents that she is enforcing rules similar to the workplace. They get taught income etc. They allow reasonable make up. I do hear that some children aren't being taught about the world of work etc, so it mustn't apply to all primary schools.

Stepmother here! This is one of those issues that is a small one and a case of choosing your battles. You haven’t said anything otherwise negative about her so I am assuming she is otherwise a good kid and that you otherwise have no other issues with her

Kids of that age DO wear makeup to school and it very much depends on the school. At our school girls seem to get away with very natural makeup - bit of mascara, little bit of a tint of foundation, bit of bronzer. Anything more and they are asked to remove it at school. Not allowed fake or painted nails so anytime they have painted nails we ensure it is removed by Monday morning. Maybe have a chat with her about natural looking make up - could be a nice opportunity to spend some time with her, buy her some new stuff and show her how to do it

Save your battles for the bigger issues. Because there are far worse things than wearing a bit of make up.

DD is 12 but I very much have it where she dresses appropriately for her age and doesn’t really give me any trouble in any areas. DSD however is 14, dresses like she is going doing a stint at a lap dancing bar later on, drinking at parties and is now wanting to sleep over at her boyfriend’s house (we’ve obviously said a very clear no to this) She’s not a bad kid though and all of this is hitting her Dad like a steam train. Save your battles for when you really need to - like we are going through now.

You are overreacting. I don't know why you've got so wound up and caused an argument over this. It's a minor issue that you didn't need to get involved in.

Have only read OP responses, but wouldn't the "get in your lane SM!" posters agree that the inconsistent parenting rules between the child's DM and DF are a bit of a problem? Children need boundaries and consistency.

This is all well and good, but it isn't a problem that OP can actually 'solve'. I don't think OP should 'stay in her lane' or 'get in her box' but realistically there is little she can actually do here and there is really no point tying to force an issue you just can't force, her partner is an 'anything for a quiet life' type, and she won't change him.

For all we know this exact disparity of parenting may be part of the reason her partner and ex broke up, this man hasn't all of a sudden started being a lax parent, it is an ongoing issue, OP hasn't had a child with him and realised like a lot of people do, she knew his parenting style before CHOOSING to become a family unit.

All you can do OP is guide her as best you can, and express your disaproval of inappropriate choices, but realise that your partner will never back you up in any decisions so you won't be able to realistically implement any rules or boundaries.

Iagree with you- this girl needs some boundaries and eleven is too young to be focussing on appearance.
Schools should step in as children focussed on their appearance at such a young age is not conducive to learning, and posters saying they did it and turned out fine is unhelpful. a/ their opinion they turned out fine is not objective and b/ they have no idea how they would have turned out if they hadn't have worn make up. I went to a girls school where makeup was completely banned it was unusual for a pupil to get less than 10 GCSEs at A-C, did the make up poster achieve at this level ?