To have told 17yos manager that he isn't actually unwell

[RiskyRain]

I've been with my partner for about 16 years.

He has a 17 year old son who has lived with us FT since he was about 6 as his mum lives abroad and contact is very sporadic. He had has a heart condition and had heart surgery at 14 and she didn't visit once because it was hectic as it was close to Christmas (11 days) and she had other her children to look after and after that he sort of gave up with her and their relationship because she made him feel like an inconvenience.

2023 was a tough year for him as he’d lost most of his friends due to the surgery and recovery so he was miserable especially dealing with the trauma of the surgery as we did know about the heart condition but it was always managed with medication until it had rapidly worsened and he needed the surgery.

He attempted suicide and was referred to camhs who were useless, he started a new school for year 10 and is now doing much better. DH is obviously protective over him and has let a lot slide. Now he's not a bad lad but he's mouthy.

He started dating a girl at the end of 2023, when he was 15 and she was 13 which I was weary of but dh said it wasn't a big deal as they were only a school year apart. She wasn't going to his school though, they met online.

Long story short, he ended up getting her pregnant and the baby was born last year (they were 14 and 16) the baby is now about 15 months old and ds got his GCSEs and is at a sixth form college doing his A levels and recently done his AS levels. DH made it clearly he didn't want the fact he had a baby to impact his education (or baby's mums) and funded everything for him pretty much and now pays for him to go to nursery a few days a week but ds does work - well did, he's worked a few jobs since turning 16.

I am at my wits end with him though just lately as he vapes even though he shouldn't due to his heart, we've told him multiple times but he says he's fine but he then plays on his condition by saying he's too tired and he doesn't go to college sometimes because Again he's tired or can't be bothered

Now the issue, he recently broke up with his gf which hit him hard as they were together for over 2 and a half years, they were argujg a lot and I think it was they were both stressed because of exams (GCSEs for her and AS levels for him). I went to the shop he works at yesterday and his boss asked me if he was ok as he’d told them the other day he was in hospital because of chest pains but since then he's ignored their calls. I was shocked and told them he was fine because he is

He's now annoyed with me and called me a bitch because he's going to be sacked and he could've worked more in a few weeks as it's the summer holidays, he said he was working things out with his gf and his job is “r slur” because they don't allow him his phone to be in his pocket when he needs it to be reminded to take his meds

Dh has sided with him as usual and said we should've made him own up himself but then asked me to babysit our grandson Tuesday (he usually does on a tuesday) as he's got to go in the office which he does 1 Monday and Tuesday a month. It is my day off but I do have plans with a friend

AIBU to say no? And WIBU to have not lied for ds

Where is his biological father in this???

Paying for nursery and looking after his grandchild.
Plus lying for him any time he fucks up it would seem

Large percentages of the prison population have similar - and worse - background stories, but I'm not seeing much sympathy for them from MN?

At what point do you stop using all this as an excuse for him to behave exactly as he pleases with no consequences? When he's 18? 25? 50? When he gets another underage girl pregnant or loses his 4th job because he lied to his employer? Where do you draw the line - or can he go through his whole life blaming these things for everything?

Also, his biological father is... right there covering up for his bad behaviour. Not sure you've read the thread correctly.

So, he's had a rough few years and you just added to that.
I think, regardless of whether it was your intention, you dropped him in it. I mean, seriously, when his boss said that to you, it was obvious that's what he'd been told.
It's up to you whether you drop him in it or not. Personally, I wouldn't have got involved in his boss/work situation. You chose to. The fallout from that with your DS is on you. What did you expect?
I'm not really sure what you were thinking when you said that because how has that helped anyone? Has it helped your DS? Has it helped you? Going forward, has it made anything better?

Perhaps you should read OP's posts again?
She had no reason to suspect he had been lying to his employer. Honest people assume other people are honest.

Like a lot of pp on this thread you are jumping through hoops to put OP in the wrong when this isn't down to her.

Again, I didn't know he lied and wasn't going to work. He was due to work Friday, Saturday sunday and today.

he was due to work 4-8 friday and dh was wfh and actually dropped him off so he wasn’t late, dh didn’t drop him off right outside as it’s “embarrassing’ and he wanted an energy drink first so he dropped him off nearby and he got home just after 9 like normal. Apparently he was “sorting things with his ex gf/gf”. We didn’t know he was supposed to work saturday or sunday as we don’t know his exact rota but he wasn’t home on saturday until saturday night when grandson was here.

I don’t know if you were being unreasonable or not. What I do know is that you don’t seem to even like your stepson at all, much less love him, and I find that heartbreaking because when he first came to live with you, he was a little boy with a heart condition whose mother had effectively abandoned him.

I don’t get the sense from reading your posts that despite your frustration with his behavior, you love him and want the best for him. I get the sense that you’ve tolerated him for years, and I find that really sad.

He wasn’t working anyway. The lie covered him long term. He didn’t give a monkeys about the job or he wouldn’t have lied in the first place.

I’ve been a disability outreach and support worker for over twenty years. If there’s one thing I know about it’s parents teaching disabled people that their condition is an excuse to take the piss. Which is exactly what DH has done.

I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with parents about how they are not doing their children any good by encouraging this kind of thing. Life is harder for those with a disability/ health condition. Teaching them that the world will give them a free pass for it, which is what DH has done so far, is setting them up to fail. Yes he needs support, but that does NOT take the form of compounding an outrageous lie designed to get him out of working, while others support him and his child.

Those ‘culprits’ may have learning disabilties or dyslexia. MN is populated by people of all abilities. Do you think you’re doing them a favour by mocking them ? Why do you think criticism of grammar/spelling gets you deleted on MN ?

This.

Funny. I had the exact opposite impression. What I took from it was that DH insists on giving his son massive leeway on everything because he has a health condition and has had a rough time. Look where that’s got DS. Statutory rape of a thirteen year old and a baby as a result. OP and DH looking after that baby and taking on financial responsibility so that he and his GF can finish their education - and yet still so entitled that he doesn’t think anything of telling an outrageous lie based on his condition to get out of working. Why doesn’t he want to do everything he can to support his child ? He clearly doesn’t care about the job or he wouldn’t have told the lie in the first place, and yet he called OP a bitch when she didn’t back him up. If he can’t take responsibility for his own actions now it doesn’t bode well for his future as a dad does it ?

I get the impression that OP is fed up with trying to get DH to see that giving DS a free pass for disability is a very bad idea, and that this is not the first time she’s had to pick up after his mess. She’s a step parent and her DH picks and chooses when he expects her to act as an actual parent. He wants her to keep out of the important decisions but act as a child minder whenever it suits him. Absolute hypocrisy.

Where did OP choose to get involved ? She went into the shop where she thought DS was working and got a shock when it became obvious he hadn’t been in work for some time and had invented an intricate lie to cover. Why on earth would you expect her to support him in that lie - especially when OP didn’t know exactly what had been said ? She could easily have dropped him even further in it by lying, not to mention making herself look an idiot.

Her DS doesn’t give a shit about the job. If he did, why did he lie about his disability ? It’s not on OP to enable DS any further in thinking his health condition is an excuse to be bone idle, while other people are taking on his responsibilities.

OP’s DH is his biological father. OP is the step parent.

I do love him, I've been in his life since he was 3 and he's lived with myself and DH since he was 6. I did a lot of parenting when he was younger with school runs etc. He's our only DC. But I am at my wits end with his actions and attitude

I was probably unjustified in saying that I got the impression you didn’t love him, and for that, I apologize. You’ve clearly done a lot for him for years, and it makes sense that you’re so frustrated by his failure to help himself.

Did you and he ever have an emotionally close relationship?

A slacker wouldn't have a job and be doing their A-levels at college.
He has a lot on, a job, a baby, a break up, a health condition, exams. That is a hell of a lot for a 17 year old. Poor kid!
This lad doesn't sound like a slacker at all to me. He sounds as though he's really trying.

Saying you 'don't hate him', it's hardly the way you'd talk about your bio child, so he must feel that animosity from you, and his mum has fucked off too.
Fair play to your DH for backing him to the hilt, I would too if he were mine. He sounds as though he really needs someone in his corner.
I do think you should mind the baby on your day off as way as an apology, or at least an olive branch. You may damage the relationship irreparably, but perhaps that ship has already sailed for both of you.
Teenagers are a pain in the arse by nature, you have to ride out the storm. Most turn out to be decent humans.
Also, I think the babies mum will still appreciate the help once a week too. I'm in my 40s and I'm still grateful for any help I get with my youngest two.

It’s as though you’ve read a different thread.

He hasn’t got a job - or at least one that he’s actually doing. He hasn’t been to work for some time by the sound of things and yet he’s getting his dad to drop him off there and then staying out so they think he’s working - and all the while OP and his dad are looking after his child. And let’s talk about that child - the result of statutory rape of a thirteen year old, a child herself. OP warned his dad there would be a problem when they started dating, and she was right - she clearly knows him better than his own father because she’s not looking at things through rose tinted glasses, and l have the distinct impression that this is just the latest incident in a long line of messes OP has had to clear up after him.

He’s 17 years old and the father you’re praising for ‘being in his corner’ has actually taught him that it’s OK to expect a free pass for his disability - that much is clear from the appalling lie he told his employer. He thinks it’s fine to blame his condition when he doesn’t want to do something, even when it’s a lie.

Life is harder for people with disabilities and no-one is equipping this lad for the hard time he’s going to have as an adult if he’s allowed to continue this behaviour. OP walked innocently into a situation he created by lying and was blindsided by the direct questions from his employer. And by telling the truth she’s actually done DS a favour by showing him that actions have consequences. Why should OP hold out an olive branch or mind the baby by way of apology ? She’s done nothing wrong. DS called her a bitch for not supporting his lies - he’s the one who owes the apology, not OP.

@ThreadGuardDog

I agree with almost everything you've said on this thread, but just want to make a note about the 'statutory rape' part - as I understand it, OP's son is not guilty of statutory rape, because he was only 15 himself when he and the 13-year-old began their relationship It's only statutory rape when the older person is 18 or over - as explained on this website. What is Statutory Rape in the UK? - Richard Nelson LLP

This is a case of two underage teenagers having a consensual relationship. As far as I know, according to UK law, they have both committed an offence, but there's no interest in prosecuting two underage people, close in age, who have both consented.

It’s not your business or place to be answering questions to someone’s boss.

And the bass shouldn’t have asked.