To have told 17yos manager that he isn't actually unwell

[RiskyRain]

I've been with my partner for about 16 years.

He has a 17 year old son who has lived with us FT since he was about 6 as his mum lives abroad and contact is very sporadic. He had has a heart condition and had heart surgery at 14 and she didn't visit once because it was hectic as it was close to Christmas (11 days) and she had other her children to look after and after that he sort of gave up with her and their relationship because she made him feel like an inconvenience.

2023 was a tough year for him as he’d lost most of his friends due to the surgery and recovery so he was miserable especially dealing with the trauma of the surgery as we did know about the heart condition but it was always managed with medication until it had rapidly worsened and he needed the surgery.

He attempted suicide and was referred to camhs who were useless, he started a new school for year 10 and is now doing much better. DH is obviously protective over him and has let a lot slide. Now he's not a bad lad but he's mouthy.

He started dating a girl at the end of 2023, when he was 15 and she was 13 which I was weary of but dh said it wasn't a big deal as they were only a school year apart. She wasn't going to his school though, they met online.

Long story short, he ended up getting her pregnant and the baby was born last year (they were 14 and 16) the baby is now about 15 months old and ds got his GCSEs and is at a sixth form college doing his A levels and recently done his AS levels. DH made it clearly he didn't want the fact he had a baby to impact his education (or baby's mums) and funded everything for him pretty much and now pays for him to go to nursery a few days a week but ds does work - well did, he's worked a few jobs since turning 16.

I am at my wits end with him though just lately as he vapes even though he shouldn't due to his heart, we've told him multiple times but he says he's fine but he then plays on his condition by saying he's too tired and he doesn't go to college sometimes because Again he's tired or can't be bothered

Now the issue, he recently broke up with his gf which hit him hard as they were together for over 2 and a half years, they were argujg a lot and I think it was they were both stressed because of exams (GCSEs for her and AS levels for him). I went to the shop he works at yesterday and his boss asked me if he was ok as he’d told them the other day he was in hospital because of chest pains but since then he's ignored their calls. I was shocked and told them he was fine because he is

He's now annoyed with me and called me a bitch because he's going to be sacked and he could've worked more in a few weeks as it's the summer holidays, he said he was working things out with his gf and his job is “r slur” because they don't allow him his phone to be in his pocket when he needs it to be reminded to take his meds

Dh has sided with him as usual and said we should've made him own up himself but then asked me to babysit our grandson Tuesday (he usually does on a tuesday) as he's got to go in the office which he does 1 Monday and Tuesday a month. It is my day off but I do have plans with a friend

AIBU to say no? And WIBU to have not lied for ds

What really strikes me is how detached and fed up you sound, even though he's been living with you for so many years. It sounds like there is no bond at all. I think when he leaves home, you won't see him for dust.

Her loyalty should be with her ss not some random person

I didn't go out of my way to throw him under the bus. For all I knew was he had been going to work so I was put on the spot when I was asked if he was ok because he's not complained about any chest pain let alone been to hospital recently apart from for an appointment.

And no it's not because he's my stepson, I haven't even used the words stepson as I don't see him as that. Hence I've used ds.

Well she sounds like she hates him very few people talk about their actual children this way

Why should she back up his lying? He shouldnt have lied.

You were caught on the hop, so naturally you said the truth as you knew it.

I have a lot of sympathy for him and why he would need time off work just now, but how are you supposed to corroborate his story when you didn't know he wasn't at work?

.
She doesn't sound as though she hates him at all.

I don't know what is wrong with some of the pp on this thread. It's embarrassing to read some of the unpleasant posts.

And most of them aren't abandoned by their mum. If he hadn't been abandoned by one woman, had a serious condition that apparently they didn't know about, and then treated like this by the woman his dad is with now, maybe he'd be in a better state.
Going through health issues/abandonment makes people act in some ways older than their years, but in some ways very much younger.
And his employer should let him use his phone if it's for a heart condition-how many teenagers have to manage that? People in their 30s with health conditions are allowed to, so why not a teenager?

FFS, he’s a 17-year-old father doing his best to deal with the kind of stresses that would floor plenty of grown adults, and you’re making it harder for him?

YABVVVU.

And a suicide attempt

Poor kid

Yes!

Where on the thread have you referred to him as DS? Not even in the thread title.

Under the circumstances you were vvvvvu.

Yeah where the unpleasant ones. Sure

Unless you have an absolute inability to be able to lie/think on the spot, then yes, I think you were wholly unreasonable.
You do for family. You could have covered for him then read him the riot act at home and made him make it up to the manager. He now has no cash coming in for your grandchild and no reference and no job. Slow handclap.

As for babysitting, you're conflating two different issues: if you have plans, tell your husband so. Presumably in the past you have covered the Tuesday he is in the office. If he has not let you know or this is a one - off but too late notice, then YANBU and the other grandparents need to step up. If you said, you'd do it but now reneging because of the row, you are being unfair to your husband.

You've been Mum to this young man for eleven years but you don't sound as close as one would expect after a decade - you all clearly need to sit down and talk it out, as it sounds as if there is resentment/frustration/jealousy on your part. I can understand nursery costs being so expensive causing financial difficulty in a COL crisis, but think your husband has done what many parents would have in tricky circumstances. You can't turn back time and undo the pregnancy. Both need qualifications. The vaping is a stupid thing, yes, but he is possibly trying to fit in with peers and his mental health - whilst it should not be used for emotional blackmail or manipulation - is obviously a huge concern to his dad. So you both need to reset boundaries, look at next steps and help your son fulfil his duties as a coparent and how he is going to make a living long term.

This is the information that needed to be in the OP.

Ooof

DS behaviour isn’t ideal, but you come across exceptionally badly here. He’s doing a lot and holding together a lot too. You seem cruel.

I do feel you need to apologise that you were caught off guard so couldn’t have his back. You can maybe agree to help speak to the manager around crossed wires. His job is important and this is an opportunity for him to get on track over summer.
You could also show a united front with DH that ‘having his back’ doesn’t mean letting him get away with murder, but that you’re eager to support him in his work, education and health. Figuring out a plan for Tuesday together might be a good chance to illustrate that too.

Maybe the OP is trying to teach her step son a sense of responsibility.

shame on the replies with those insinuating she’s a horrible person for not covering up for him, I bet they wouldn’t bloody do that for their daughters.

Men need to be taught to be better than this and what sort of responsibility is he taking here by lying ?

It really wasn't helpful for you to stir up trouble in this way. The boy has a lot to deal with and you've managed to make things even worse. Bad move.

She can teach him that in private without causing him to lose his job.

Because it could lead to a young father losing his job. I’d absolutely lie in this situation then go home and put a rocket up my child’s arse for pulling a sickie.

Ffs op was put on the spot. She doesnt deserve abuse from mn or her son.

She has plans with a friend. You dont have to rearrange. Dh can pay for day in daycare.

You sound fed up op and I guess your very unprecciated for all the crap you have to do with ds and baby

Op is essentially his mum, she knows when he is pulling the leg to avoid college or work

Op also mentioned he worked a few jobs so how many has he lost due to behaviour?

Would you have done the same if he was your bio child? I get it, it’s annoying but he sounds like he’s had one hell of a complicated childhood. It seems spiteful to be honest, like you’re fed up with him.

Yes. Absolutely.
I've reported at least 2 postes which are just pure personal attacks on the OP.
Absolutely disgraceful pp on this thread.