To have told 17yos manager that he isn't actually unwell

[RiskyRain]

I've been with my partner for about 16 years.

He has a 17 year old son who has lived with us FT since he was about 6 as his mum lives abroad and contact is very sporadic. He had has a heart condition and had heart surgery at 14 and she didn't visit once because it was hectic as it was close to Christmas (11 days) and she had other her children to look after and after that he sort of gave up with her and their relationship because she made him feel like an inconvenience.

2023 was a tough year for him as he’d lost most of his friends due to the surgery and recovery so he was miserable especially dealing with the trauma of the surgery as we did know about the heart condition but it was always managed with medication until it had rapidly worsened and he needed the surgery.

He attempted suicide and was referred to camhs who were useless, he started a new school for year 10 and is now doing much better. DH is obviously protective over him and has let a lot slide. Now he's not a bad lad but he's mouthy.

He started dating a girl at the end of 2023, when he was 15 and she was 13 which I was weary of but dh said it wasn't a big deal as they were only a school year apart. She wasn't going to his school though, they met online.

Long story short, he ended up getting her pregnant and the baby was born last year (they were 14 and 16) the baby is now about 15 months old and ds got his GCSEs and is at a sixth form college doing his A levels and recently done his AS levels. DH made it clearly he didn't want the fact he had a baby to impact his education (or baby's mums) and funded everything for him pretty much and now pays for him to go to nursery a few days a week but ds does work - well did, he's worked a few jobs since turning 16.

I am at my wits end with him though just lately as he vapes even though he shouldn't due to his heart, we've told him multiple times but he says he's fine but he then plays on his condition by saying he's too tired and he doesn't go to college sometimes because Again he's tired or can't be bothered

Now the issue, he recently broke up with his gf which hit him hard as they were together for over 2 and a half years, they were argujg a lot and I think it was they were both stressed because of exams (GCSEs for her and AS levels for him). I went to the shop he works at yesterday and his boss asked me if he was ok as he’d told them the other day he was in hospital because of chest pains but since then he's ignored their calls. I was shocked and told them he was fine because he is

He's now annoyed with me and called me a bitch because he's going to be sacked and he could've worked more in a few weeks as it's the summer holidays, he said he was working things out with his gf and his job is “r slur” because they don't allow him his phone to be in his pocket when he needs it to be reminded to take his meds

Dh has sided with him as usual and said we should've made him own up himself but then asked me to babysit our grandson Tuesday (he usually does on a tuesday) as he's got to go in the office which he does 1 Monday and Tuesday a month. It is my day off but I do have plans with a friend

AIBU to say no? And WIBU to have not lied for ds

He has a genuine heart condition.
He has trauma.
He has been abandon by his mother. (why???????????)
His mother literally broke his heart when she didn't bother to turn up after his heart surgery.
He became a father way too young and misdealing with the horrendous fall out of that.
He broke up with his girlfriend while also doing GCSEs.

Cut this poor young man some slack.

OP, his birth mother has betrayed him, it's the ultimate betrayal. Where is his biological father in all this? Now you let him down. In principle I'm all for honesty and detest work shyness but this young person is dealing with a lot. The only thing you can do is apologise to your son and hope he won't lose his job. Maybe he needs an o[en conversation with his boss about his struggles.

The other best thing you can do is get him therapy.

It's hard to find employment, yet he plays with his phone at work and throws sickies by saying he is in hospital. Yet his mum is the one at fault for not covering when she had no idea and was put on the spot?

Exactly. People are criticising OP and completely overlooking the support she and DH are providing with child care and related expenses. At 17,I would have expected DS to at least have recognised that he needed to make a contribution towards that, and not spaff his job up the wall with such an entitled lie. Makes me fear for his childs’ future.

Only on MN. 😂

No doubting he has had a very tough time of it but if hes old enough to father a child hes old enough behave responsibly.
He should have called his employer and explained himself.
I wouldnt have dobbed him in to the boss ut I would have reminded him he made his bed so he must now lie in it, as the saying goes

Well there is a bit of a difference here between lying and saying he is unwell at home in bed. I would be happy to lie for him in that circumstance. But for them to think he is in hospital with a heart condition is slightly different and op was put on the spot and probably found it difficult to lie about him being in hospital

He has a genuine heart condition.

Which he lied about and exaggerated to get out of working.

He has trauma. He’s been abandoned by his mother, etc.

None of which is an excuse for the fecklessness he’s shown so far.

He became a father too young.

If he’s old enough to have sex, he’s old enough to use a condom. His GF was 13 FFS, that’s statutory rape. And what fatherly responsibilities is he taking on ? Seems to me OP and her DH are doing the heavy lifting so he can continue school. Skipping work is a great way to pay them back isn’t it ?

He broke up with his girlfriend.

That’s life, unfortunately.

It’s ‘cutting him some slack’ because of his health and other issues that has led to this behaviour. He feels entitled because he’s been conditioned by his dad to believe he deserves it. What’s needed now is to stop using past problems to excuse present behaviour. They need to teach him resilience, responsibility for his actions and honesty, otherwise he’s going to find adult life very hard.

OP hasn’t let him down at all. He’s not mad at her because he was fired - he clearly didn’t give a monkeys’ about the job if he could tell such an awful lie so casually. He’s mad at her because he’s entitled enough to expect her to have lied for him too, and she didn’t. Which was entirely the right thing to do.

He got an underage girl pregnant. I wouldn't pander to the little shite either.

I don't know why you've quoted me to make your point? What have I said that suggests I'm not cutting him slack? I just understand why the OP didn't feel able to lie about something as serious as a heart condition, that's all.

Being put on the spot, can make us react without thought, because we don't have time to process. It depends if your answer was due to being put on the spot and to lie didn't occur to you or if you had time to think 'I'm not lying for you'?

Your step-son told his employer a lie, and has since ignored all calls from him. At 17, he knew perfectly well what he was doing, and clearly knows his employer is now likely to sack him for his dishonesty. He knew the consequences, but still went ahead and lied.

Yes, your step-son has a health condition and is a Dad at a young age. However, his Dad isn't helping his son, by using the health condition to absolve him of all responsibility and accountability. Your step-son never takes responsibility for his poor behaviour because his Dad makes excuses for him, which is doing him no favours.

You can't stop your step-son from vaping. Of course, it's bad for his heart, but equally it's not uncommon for teenagers to rebel against long-term health conditions. It can be hard, knowing you're different and you are restricted. Vaping isn't good for any person, regardless of their age or if they have health conditions or not. All you can do is advise him.

Your step-son is immature, and that's part of the issue, the other part is the fact his Dad doesn't hold him accountable for his behaviour, and there's no boundaries or consequences. Yes, he needs support because of his health condition and having a child, because he's still a kid himself!

Your step-son needs to apologise to his employer, and hope he gives him another chance. If not then, it's a lesson learnt, don't lie and don't expect others to cover up your lies.

Surely it would be hard to disguise the incredulity on your face? If I was told by a stranger that my child had been in hospital, I would feel a mixture of shock and panic and it would be hard not to let that show on my face and give a knee jerk reaction before going home to check.

I do not believe that the OP did this genuinely out of spite. She didn’t have time to plan this response.

I think it has been a bumpy road for everybody. The boy has had multiple adverse effects and as they happened during his formative years, they will have affected his personality. The father has stepped up for his son but has probably given him too much leeway, like many parents of sick children do. It sounds like the OP has completely accepted this boy into her family but has become frustrated of late with recent behaviours, as many parents of teens do.

OP, I wonder if family therapy is an option. It sounds like there is a lot of love there but also frustration and communication difficulties. A few sessions may help everybody understand each other a bit better?

Calling OP names based on this one incident is really unreasonable. It sounds like she has provided lots of support over the years. It is impossible to judge anyone's character over one small incident and people should be mindful of that.

Why on earth would you condone him lying in any circumstance ? His dad and stepmum have effectively taken over his responsibilities for his child while he finishes school. At 17 he should recognise the sacrifices they are making and be willing to contribute as much as he can, not lying through his teeth so he doesn’t have to work. There’s a pattern of feckless and irresponsible behaviour emerging that needs to be dealt with, not enabled.

Not “ Only on MN” at all! I agree with @OonaStubbs & so would a lot of folks not on this forum.

You are clearly not very skilled at reading tone. There is nothing here to suggest she ‘hates’ him. Are you normally as black and white and reactive like this in real life?

No idea why it quoted you. I agree with you too but OP has some repairing to do. Most importantly this young man needs counselling if he's open to that.

Sorry, ignore this, my mistake. I thought you were replying to me.

Who said anything about lying? He is clearly struggling right now and I would have addressed that to this guy

What does she have to repair ? Certainly not the fact that she wasn’t prepared to lie to cover up for DS. The only thing that needs to be ‘repaired’ is this boy’s sense of entitlement because of his health condition. OP and her DH are doing DS a huge favour in the support they are giving him - financially and with child care. Telling such an awful lie to get out of working and then calling OP a bitch because she didn’t support him in that lie is a dreadful way to behave in return. Counselling may help resolve some things for him, but a metaphorical kick up the arse alongside it wouldn’t come amiss.

The whole thread has been about the fact that OP didn’t perpetuate the lie to support him. Keep up !! DS lied to his boss. OP had no idea and told him the truth. As an employer how much sympathy for DS’ ‘struggles’ do you think he would have had after being told such an outrageous lie and left in the dark afterwards with unanswered phone calls ? OP would have looked like an idiot trying to justify it.

Yet another 'awful step-mother' thread.
The OP 'should have lied' for this boy who she has parented for 11 years, but is 'not allowed to call him out' on his behaviour.
She should 'not interfere' with his behaviour as she is not his mother, yet she should 'make herself available to care for his child' when required.
Make your minds up.
She was put on the spot by the manager, and responded truthfully. Her husband is expecting her to toe the line and lie for his son, but to mind her own business when it comes to trying to address his son's behaviour. Oh, and the sheer hypocrisy of it, he then expects her to cancel her plans to babysit his grandchild.
As someone who is the kinship foster carer for my (husband's) grandchildren, I would give short shrift to anyone who thought I should be available to care for them only when it suited them, and then not be involved in all other aspects of their lives.
The OP has done nothing wrong, and this 17 year old needs to start facing consequences for his actions.

Absolutely this. The hypocrisy is palpable in some posts. OP has taken on a full time parenting role for the boy in the absence of his own mother - expecting her to just dip in and out when she’s needed and mind her own business the rest of the time is utterly disrespectful.

Read my comment again. I was agreeing with her. In the real world OP wouldn’t be the one at fault for not covering his lie.

It's not that you have BU reasonable as such but I think that you will find the impact of him not working or being able to pay for his baby will backfire short term and things will get worse not better.

I think you have trouble spotting when people are struggling and coping.. I would hazard a guess he needs support right now whatever form that takes

And sometimes support means pointing out where things are going wrong and encouraging someone to make better decisions.

There seems to be this weird idea that to support someone you just go along with whatever they want because 'poor them'.

In actual fact, the ideal result is that this kid learns from his mistakes, is able to own up and take responsibility, and can give some thought to other people and to his own future (not least by taking control of his own health). You don't do that by constantly lying for him and basically allowing him to do what he wants.

Avoiding any uncomfortable situations teaches him nothing than to keep shirking his responsibilities and encouraging a learned helplessness response from him.

I do think therapy is an excellent idea, for the whole family.