To have told 17yos manager that he isn't actually unwell

[RiskyRain]

I've been with my partner for about 16 years.

He has a 17 year old son who has lived with us FT since he was about 6 as his mum lives abroad and contact is very sporadic. He had has a heart condition and had heart surgery at 14 and she didn't visit once because it was hectic as it was close to Christmas (11 days) and she had other her children to look after and after that he sort of gave up with her and their relationship because she made him feel like an inconvenience.

2023 was a tough year for him as he’d lost most of his friends due to the surgery and recovery so he was miserable especially dealing with the trauma of the surgery as we did know about the heart condition but it was always managed with medication until it had rapidly worsened and he needed the surgery.

He attempted suicide and was referred to camhs who were useless, he started a new school for year 10 and is now doing much better. DH is obviously protective over him and has let a lot slide. Now he's not a bad lad but he's mouthy.

He started dating a girl at the end of 2023, when he was 15 and she was 13 which I was weary of but dh said it wasn't a big deal as they were only a school year apart. She wasn't going to his school though, they met online.

Long story short, he ended up getting her pregnant and the baby was born last year (they were 14 and 16) the baby is now about 15 months old and ds got his GCSEs and is at a sixth form college doing his A levels and recently done his AS levels. DH made it clearly he didn't want the fact he had a baby to impact his education (or baby's mums) and funded everything for him pretty much and now pays for him to go to nursery a few days a week but ds does work - well did, he's worked a few jobs since turning 16.

I am at my wits end with him though just lately as he vapes even though he shouldn't due to his heart, we've told him multiple times but he says he's fine but he then plays on his condition by saying he's too tired and he doesn't go to college sometimes because Again he's tired or can't be bothered

Now the issue, he recently broke up with his gf which hit him hard as they were together for over 2 and a half years, they were argujg a lot and I think it was they were both stressed because of exams (GCSEs for her and AS levels for him). I went to the shop he works at yesterday and his boss asked me if he was ok as he’d told them the other day he was in hospital because of chest pains but since then he's ignored their calls. I was shocked and told them he was fine because he is

He's now annoyed with me and called me a bitch because he's going to be sacked and he could've worked more in a few weeks as it's the summer holidays, he said he was working things out with his gf and his job is “r slur” because they don't allow him his phone to be in his pocket when he needs it to be reminded to take his meds

Dh has sided with him as usual and said we should've made him own up himself but then asked me to babysit our grandson Tuesday (he usually does on a tuesday) as he's got to go in the office which he does 1 Monday and Tuesday a month. It is my day off but I do have plans with a friend

AIBU to say no? And WIBU to have not lied for ds

I'm useless if caught on the hop too OP, but I have learnt that a brief "aahhmmm" gives you space to formulate an answer. You could have said "aahhmmm", I'm not sure on the current situation but I will get him to call you asap".

Absolutely would for my daughter (then put a rocket up her arse later for skiving).

Well look, he hasn't been sacked and technically speaking they ought not to because talking to his stepmum about his wellbeing is not the same as talking to him.
I've no doubt they will need a conversation with him. If he's taken time off work and lied about why then he needs to go in, fess up about the lie and then have a bloody good reason for them.
If he's off work for I'll health reasons that's a coded sort if absence. Off for ill health. So he needs to get in there sharpish and give him an alternative Ill health story and a reason why he couldn't share the truth with you.

He might be able to save the situation but it also depends on how much regard they have for him at work.
They could use this as a reason for dismissal but equally they ought to do more investigation. Challenging for him, but not necessarily the end.

Nicely, OP, your thinking comes across as very short term and not so able to consider consequences, and that seems to be just you doing you. You were not thinking when his manager spoke, but also the manager would be in the wrong, in employment law, to take your word as evidence of misconduct.
Good luck with this.

He's been through a hell of a lot for someone to cope with and it would be a lot for an adult let alone someone his age. Yes you were caught on the hop, but I'm pretty sure most adults could have thought of something without absolutely outing him I agree you could have smoothed things over and let his dad deal with it. Hopefully he won't be sacked and they'll give him another chance.

You sound pretty resentful but his dad is so supportive of him and his grandchild. I think if my son had been through so many health battles physical and mental I'd probably be inclined rightly or wrongly to just be grateful that he is alive and let stuff slide. Yes he needs to learn responsibility but you could cut him some slack

You don't sound like you want to babysit your grandchild And if it always fell to you I could understand you not wanting to change plans with your friend .as it seems to be that it's is usually your husband and he has to work on this occasion Im sure your friend would understand.

That was a very mean thing to do op.
Poor kid, can’t even count on his own family to fight his corner

Tell him to get off his arse and go to work. He doesn't need his phone to remind him to take his meds, he could just remember to take them. Tie a knot in a hanky and look at a clock.

Wow, all I can say is some many of you have very low expectations of your children.

You did nothing wrong OP, your ss needs to grow up and start taking responsibility, and no I wouldn't be babysitting.

I don't think you deserve the hate you're getting on this thread OP.

A male lies, and now a woman is getting berated for it.

Yes, the boy has a complex background but the OP was caught off-guard and had no idea he had lied to his employer.

Give her a break!

Then he should have spoken to his boss, not just taken time off and ignored calls. Honestly, MN is like a parallel universe!!

^^this

Perhaps DH continually siding with his son's poor choices is why he continues to make them?

This is the classic tale of how skiving school/college/work gets found out. Person A calls in sick with a fantastic excuse and gets everyone at work all concerned. Then someone from work or school bumps into a close relative who is unaware of the fake sickness (usually mum or dad) and asks how Person A is doing now with x condition.

Usually Person A's relative is so startled by the question, they reflexively admit that Person A is fine.

The morality of whether you would lie for your son or daughter is usually moot, because you don't have the chance to do so!

Well do you know that some people are actually honest and telling a lie doesn't even enter their head?

Like OP I tell the truth. It's my natural default position.

Obviously you and some of the other pp on this thread aren't naturally honest and your default positiin is to lie when it suits you.

I've been here with my son, and when put on the spot it's hard to fake a fake response.

I was getting a coffee and a friend's brother tapped me on the shoulder and asked how my son was? I looked at him panicked thinking what the hell had happened to him? think he saw the panic and said he said he was sick? I hadn't seen him that day as I'd been busy, so I just made an excuse and said I'd be checking on him later. He just winked at me, so unintendedly I'd given him away.

Thankfully, he wasn't the boss or anything and was a close friend to my son, so all be got was a firm telling off from me 😂

This. He got a 13 year old child pregnant. A 13 year old child! I am outraged by your dh’s attitude.

It’s like a parallel universe on here when it comes to stepmothers, that’s for sure.

You’re being given a hard time that I don’t believe you deserve, OP. Your vaping against medical advice, skiving stepson bears the responsibility here.

I also didn't expect him to lie about being in hospital, if he'd said he'd thrown up that'd be one thing to pull a sickie but the fact he lied about something like that obviously caused concern for his manager.

I don't hate him, of course I don't but I am at my wits end due to his behaviour at times. I do a lot for him and I do understand why dh is protective over him but he can do no wrong in his eyes.

I work 4 days a week usually and still have grandson on my day off while ds is at college, this won't be the case soon as his mum has nearly finished her gcses so she will likely want him most of the time which means we won't need to do much childcare. But I booked tomorrow and Tuesday as AL and have made plans for Tuesday. Perhaps I would've said yes if it wasn't sprung on me straight after ds swore at me and dh doing nothing about it

Well that’s a pile isn’t it?

You were asked if he was ok and all you had to say was yes 🤷‍♀️

Bad move.

The poor lad is going through enough and you’ve made matters even worse for him.

Jesus next time engage your brain.

This gives the impression you can’t see why your Ds swore at you…there was a reason…it’s not a nice thing to do (the swearing) ....but you know he was reacting to something big.

If you don’t feel affection for “ your grandchild” then definitely don’t look after them but don't conflate the two issues..they really are unrelated…they are either family or they aren’t?

Isn't this the issue : you don’t really feel they are family SS or his child?

Frankly, he sounds like he needs a wake up call. He’s certainly been dealt some bad cards, but he clearly has a very supportive dad, a stable home, and his health is being cared for. He does need to start realising that he has to be an adult now, for the sake of his own child. He needs to take work seriously and not use his heart condition as a get out of jail free card whenever he wants. And both he and DH need to stop blaming the OP for answering a genuine question of concern honestly.

What a nasty thing to do. Why are you meddling? Couldn’t you have spoken to your step son in private. Why did you make this young man‘s life harder? I get it he’s not your son but where is your compassion? You’re not a medical professional- how can you know how his condition is affecting him?!!

This.
You did nothing wrong, @RiskyRain. Why should you lie for him at all, never mind when you don't know about it? As for the snarky advice about how you could have better fielded the unexpected question from his employer. Words fail me. It's as if PP don't get what caught on the hop and not being in on the lie means.
He's old enough to get a child and fuck up his health so he's old enough to sort this one out.

Spiteful behaviour by OP do you mean? No it wasn't.

Unlike your unpleasant comment.

Your "this gives the impression" is doing some very heavy lifting. You do not know why or in what manner her DS swore at her, unrebuked by his father.

You "if" describing the OP's affection for her grandchild is snide. In no way has the OP implied any such thing.

The OP has consistently called her stepson DS and has said why.

Stop making shit up.