To have told 17yos manager that he isn't actually unwell

[RiskyRain]

I've been with my partner for about 16 years.

He has a 17 year old son who has lived with us FT since he was about 6 as his mum lives abroad and contact is very sporadic. He had has a heart condition and had heart surgery at 14 and she didn't visit once because it was hectic as it was close to Christmas (11 days) and she had other her children to look after and after that he sort of gave up with her and their relationship because she made him feel like an inconvenience.

2023 was a tough year for him as he’d lost most of his friends due to the surgery and recovery so he was miserable especially dealing with the trauma of the surgery as we did know about the heart condition but it was always managed with medication until it had rapidly worsened and he needed the surgery.

He attempted suicide and was referred to camhs who were useless, he started a new school for year 10 and is now doing much better. DH is obviously protective over him and has let a lot slide. Now he's not a bad lad but he's mouthy.

He started dating a girl at the end of 2023, when he was 15 and she was 13 which I was weary of but dh said it wasn't a big deal as they were only a school year apart. She wasn't going to his school though, they met online.

Long story short, he ended up getting her pregnant and the baby was born last year (they were 14 and 16) the baby is now about 15 months old and ds got his GCSEs and is at a sixth form college doing his A levels and recently done his AS levels. DH made it clearly he didn't want the fact he had a baby to impact his education (or baby's mums) and funded everything for him pretty much and now pays for him to go to nursery a few days a week but ds does work - well did, he's worked a few jobs since turning 16.

I am at my wits end with him though just lately as he vapes even though he shouldn't due to his heart, we've told him multiple times but he says he's fine but he then plays on his condition by saying he's too tired and he doesn't go to college sometimes because Again he's tired or can't be bothered

Now the issue, he recently broke up with his gf which hit him hard as they were together for over 2 and a half years, they were argujg a lot and I think it was they were both stressed because of exams (GCSEs for her and AS levels for him). I went to the shop he works at yesterday and his boss asked me if he was ok as he’d told them the other day he was in hospital because of chest pains but since then he's ignored their calls. I was shocked and told them he was fine because he is

He's now annoyed with me and called me a bitch because he's going to be sacked and he could've worked more in a few weeks as it's the summer holidays, he said he was working things out with his gf and his job is “r slur” because they don't allow him his phone to be in his pocket when he needs it to be reminded to take his meds

Dh has sided with him as usual and said we should've made him own up himself but then asked me to babysit our grandson Tuesday (he usually does on a tuesday) as he's got to go in the office which he does 1 Monday and Tuesday a month. It is my day off but I do have plans with a friend

AIBU to say no? And WIBU to have not lied for ds

Yabvu you've just made his life significantly harder and cost him his job. You should of gone along with it and then spoke to him or his dad at home in private.

What does ‘r slur’ mean?

That was an incredibly shitty thing to do.

Nasty thing to do.

Not nice. YABU

This situation isn't of OP's making so why are you blaming her?
Why should she be expected to lie?
This situation is for her DH to sort out with his son.

I would have done the same op. The work thing would have caught me on the hop and it wouldnt have occurred for me to lie.

If he needs meds reminder then he gets an alarm watch to set alarms to remind himself.

You did a really shitty thing to a family member who is trying to manage a huge amount at a very young age. DH has good reason for siding with his son

Think you could have handled that privately at home. He’s obviously got a lot on and been through a lot. He needs support to develop his ability to handle more adult responsibility and work. You’ve probably damaged your relationship with him quite badly now. His behaviour isn’t great- but that wasn’t the way to go about it.

Bloody hell, that poor kid. I get it, he’s 17, they can be twats. But I can see why he’s pissed off.

I bet she wouldn't of done it if it was her son and not just her stepson

I don’t think YABU - you were asked straight out by the manager and obviously you didn’t want to lie outright.

I don’t think you should babysit either.

I would say you were being unreasonable if you went out of your way to inform them of the lie but they put you on the spot a bit and I'd likely have done the same thing in that situation. I don't think you should be expected to lie when questioned about it.

I came expecting to call you unreasonable

But it sounds like you were ambushed with 'is he alive, whats happened' questions and answered honestly in the moment

I don’t really understand what he was supposed to ‘own up’ to? There is so much information in that OP that really doesn’t need to be there and a lot of waffling which has taken away from what you actually want to say.

I'd of to tell him to let me know if I of to corroborate his lies in future.

You are insinuating that OP behaved maliciously because he is her stepson. That is a really nasty thing to infer .

I wouldnt have thrown him under the bus like that. Probably would have gone home and give him a bollocking for putting me in such an awkward position. Apart from losing this job he might not be able to get another if the manager refuses to give a decent reference or tells future employers that he is untrustworthy.

You don't seem to like this boy much OP even though you have been in his life a long time . Still less sympathy for his life threatening condition . It's hard enough for an adult to cope never mind a young teenage boy . Don't understand your attitude at all .

Yes very unreasonable, spiteful and overall shitty. He has had a shit load of trauma. Is trying to make some sort of life, so he didnt go to work.

I would have said he is doing ok gone home and spoken to him.

No it wasnt.

This young person has a chronic illness, had open heart surgery, has been abandoned by his mother, had an unplanned baby, is going through a breakup and doing A levels, all within 2 years. No wonder he felt like he needed some time off work. Wouldn’t you? And you’ve now added another weight on his shoulders.