To have told 17yos manager that he isn't actually unwell

[RiskyRain]

I've been with my partner for about 16 years.

He has a 17 year old son who has lived with us FT since he was about 6 as his mum lives abroad and contact is very sporadic. He had has a heart condition and had heart surgery at 14 and she didn't visit once because it was hectic as it was close to Christmas (11 days) and she had other her children to look after and after that he sort of gave up with her and their relationship because she made him feel like an inconvenience.

2023 was a tough year for him as he’d lost most of his friends due to the surgery and recovery so he was miserable especially dealing with the trauma of the surgery as we did know about the heart condition but it was always managed with medication until it had rapidly worsened and he needed the surgery.

He attempted suicide and was referred to camhs who were useless, he started a new school for year 10 and is now doing much better. DH is obviously protective over him and has let a lot slide. Now he's not a bad lad but he's mouthy.

He started dating a girl at the end of 2023, when he was 15 and she was 13 which I was weary of but dh said it wasn't a big deal as they were only a school year apart. She wasn't going to his school though, they met online.

Long story short, he ended up getting her pregnant and the baby was born last year (they were 14 and 16) the baby is now about 15 months old and ds got his GCSEs and is at a sixth form college doing his A levels and recently done his AS levels. DH made it clearly he didn't want the fact he had a baby to impact his education (or baby's mums) and funded everything for him pretty much and now pays for him to go to nursery a few days a week but ds does work - well did, he's worked a few jobs since turning 16.

I am at my wits end with him though just lately as he vapes even though he shouldn't due to his heart, we've told him multiple times but he says he's fine but he then plays on his condition by saying he's too tired and he doesn't go to college sometimes because Again he's tired or can't be bothered

Now the issue, he recently broke up with his gf which hit him hard as they were together for over 2 and a half years, they were argujg a lot and I think it was they were both stressed because of exams (GCSEs for her and AS levels for him). I went to the shop he works at yesterday and his boss asked me if he was ok as he’d told them the other day he was in hospital because of chest pains but since then he's ignored their calls. I was shocked and told them he was fine because he is

He's now annoyed with me and called me a bitch because he's going to be sacked and he could've worked more in a few weeks as it's the summer holidays, he said he was working things out with his gf and his job is “r slur” because they don't allow him his phone to be in his pocket when he needs it to be reminded to take his meds

Dh has sided with him as usual and said we should've made him own up himself but then asked me to babysit our grandson Tuesday (he usually does on a tuesday) as he's got to go in the office which he does 1 Monday and Tuesday a month. It is my day off but I do have plans with a friend

AIBU to say no? And WIBU to have not lied for ds

It sounds like this young man needs to learn that actions have consequences. If you have sex with young girls and get them pregnant, that it his responsibility. If he vapes when having a bad heart that is his responsibility. If he constantly has his phone out at work that is his responsibility. If he lies to work about being in hospital and then gets caught out in that lie, that is his responsibility. He is a father already. He needs to learn to become a MAN.

Well if you are OP, so am I. I had my son's college phone me and ask about a medical issue that he didn't have, and I told them it was the first I'd heard of it. I think the college respected that I was honest and they were sympathetic with my exasperation. A lot of teenagers today are incredibly entitled. There is an obsession with branding trauma around as an excuse for special accomodations and treatment and adult life just doesn't work that way.

He’s 17 op! Dealing with a baby, a relationship break up, exams, a health condition.

Even without all of those things going on, he is young, he is not fully mature yet and you are expecting him to be perfect!

You were being very unreasonable as you should have allowed your step-ds to deal with his manager by himself.

I’m not saying that he should have lied to his manager, more that it wasn’t op’s place to interfere.

Whose fault is it he is dealing with a baby? He can't help being ill but it sounds as though he isn't doing much to help being as well as he can be, vaping when he knows he shouldn't.

Why are so many making excuses for this young man.

He's also a slacker making the wrong decisions and maybe this is the wobble he needs to show up and do better.

Frnakly I would walk away from this relationship and he and his father can sort themselves out.

Wrong - there are a lot of teaching moments in what happened for a 17 year old, but that wasn't the way to go about it. You have made a difficult situation worse.

While I see you are fed up you really only caused yourself and dh issues as now you'll be paying more for him since he no doubt will be sacked.

He's 17 and by the sound of things hasn't been parented properly. He's been through a tough time, of course he isn't old enough to sort this out. This can't quite be the full story because there would have been a level of safeguarding and assurances given by both sets of parents, given the age that the Mother gave birth. If they aren't going to be supportive, SS will see him as a Child in need and help.

When I was 16 I thought I was untouchable and honestly couldn’t be arsed with annything unless it was interesting to me. In reality I had undiagnosed adhd. Anyway, I had a job in a cafe. One day I wanted to go shopping with my friends and I let the cafe down last minute , said my mum was in slow labour ( cos that’s all she could bloody talk about at the time) and off I went. Imagine my horror when my told me she’d mum rocked up to the cafe at lunch time aftera long walk trying to get proper labour established. She completely threw me under the bus but let’s be honest, I lay myself down on the road. I lost my job and that meant no reference and no money to go shopping. It was a very important life lesson for me and I never lied to my employer about sickness again.

What?

You were asked directly and didn’t lie. It’s not like you sought out the manager to let him know the term was shirking his shifts.

Regarding the babysitting, your decision to babysit should not be based on any current strife. Parenting a teen sometimes means tension. Parenting a troubled teen means it is going to happen more often. You can’t stop just because they are angry.

As a step-parent you have fewer obligations. You aren’t ever obligated to babysit at all. However, if you want this teen and this baby to have the best shot at a good future, you know that being an active adult in their lives is the way to make that happen.

If the teen needs someone to watch the child so he can work or study, removing that support isn’t going to make any of this better.

I’m going to be charitable and say OP was caught off-guard when the boss said he was in the hospital, and couldn’t think on her feet fast enough to go with the story. Otherwise that’s a nasty thing to do.

Unless you had an open-heart surgery, were abandoned by your “friends” during the recovery, and then more or less abandoned by your mom, I’m not sure you’re in position to lecture him about what it’s like in the “real world.”

Take the baby out with you and your girlfriend.

Continue to support DSS.
(You caused a problem for his work!) Help him find a job. Appologise.

You and his Dad need to insist on DSS giving up vaping. That is where I would put all my energy. It us a matter of life or death.

Stress how you are all sacrificing for the sake of DGS so he should at least enrol in a Quit intervention so to remain in good health for his son and to be able to obtain his own dreams.
Help DSS find career goals, skill training etc.

Not your fault as you had no idea he has lied. I would also say no. Is your partner working at home and caring for baby usually if he’s asked you to look after baby as he has to go in? I’d say no sorry you have plans, as you do. Let them sort it out. He is doing his son no favours siding with you instead of telling him to stop using his illness to pull sickies.

This is one of the meanest things I've read. Totally uncalled for and vindictive. It sounds like you're the one who is 17.

You're struggling to hide your dislike for him in these posts, and now you've got him sacked form his job.

GG OP WP.

It sounds like op you are holding a lot of resentment towards ss. He hasn’t had the easiest life the biggest part that stood out to me is the attempted suicide. Op I wonder how all this is effecting your life. If you don’t want to have the baby then don’t say yes. I think it’s likely as a step parent that you step into a parent role and that is challenging. I don’t think you did the right thing as he will lose his job which means more time at home. I think you should have dealt with it in private.

She definitely shouldn't have done it but I don't see any basis for you to say this.

i assume it was ‘retarded’

You should have not thrown him under the bus then blamed him for it. He’s had a hell of lot to deal with and is only 17
You seem quite resentful of him. Luckily his dad supports him in the way he does your husband is a good man

This sounds very tough for everyone.
Ultimately i think it was mean to land him in it but aside from that....poor boy....he's been dealt a shitty start in life.

OP didn’t interfere. She was asked outright by the manager and didn’t know he hadn’t been at work until that point, or the story he’d made up to cover his absence. I’m really surprised at some of the replies to be honest. Yes this lad has had a tough time, but a lot of it has been of his own making and it sounds as though his dad has enabled a lot of it.

Someone upthread said OP sounded fed up and l don’t blame her. She warned his dad about him dating a 13 year old, was ignored, the girl ended up pregnant, and his dad has had to support some of the expense as a result, so that both of them can continue their education. So no consequences for DS - only for a 14 year old girl who now has a child to care for.

Disability isn’t a free pass to do as you like. And l say that as a disabled person myself. He’s 17. Old enough to know that actions have consequences. Telling such an outrageous lie about his condition to get out of working is appalling, and OP did the right thing blowing him up, however inadvertently. It should serve as a life lesson that actions have consequences.

My impression is that he’s been given a lot of leeway in the past because of his condition. That needs to stop right now and he needs to know that he has to take responsibility for his own actions. The world won’t accommodate him the way OP and his dad clearly have. They haven’t done him any favours - look at where cushioning him has got him so far. They need to get tougher so that he’s equipped for that - not least because if his work ethic doesn’t improve he’s going to be a feckless father.

Absolutely she is. Because she’s been with him throughout it all, and clearly beginning to realise that cushioning him from the consequences of his actions because of his health is going to put him at huge disadvantage as an adult, if something isn’t done now. He told an outrageous lie to his employer, directly based on his health condition. It was an appalling thing to do and clearly demonstrates that he feels entitled to use his health to get out of anything he doesn’t want to do. That needs to stop.

l don’t think OP deliberately blew him up. She was blindsided and in my opinion the truth was the only option because lying and trying to cover for him, not knowing exactly what he’d said, could have made things much worse. She did the right thing. And DS isn’t mad at her because he lost his job - he clearly doesn’t give two hoots about it otherwise he wouldn’t have told the lie in the first place. He’s mad at her because he was found out. If people don’t stop making excuses for this lad he will always expect a free pass, and he’ll end up another feckless father.