To have told 17yos manager that he isn't actually unwell

[RiskyRain]

I've been with my partner for about 16 years.

He has a 17 year old son who has lived with us FT since he was about 6 as his mum lives abroad and contact is very sporadic. He had has a heart condition and had heart surgery at 14 and she didn't visit once because it was hectic as it was close to Christmas (11 days) and she had other her children to look after and after that he sort of gave up with her and their relationship because she made him feel like an inconvenience.

2023 was a tough year for him as he’d lost most of his friends due to the surgery and recovery so he was miserable especially dealing with the trauma of the surgery as we did know about the heart condition but it was always managed with medication until it had rapidly worsened and he needed the surgery.

He attempted suicide and was referred to camhs who were useless, he started a new school for year 10 and is now doing much better. DH is obviously protective over him and has let a lot slide. Now he's not a bad lad but he's mouthy.

He started dating a girl at the end of 2023, when he was 15 and she was 13 which I was weary of but dh said it wasn't a big deal as they were only a school year apart. She wasn't going to his school though, they met online.

Long story short, he ended up getting her pregnant and the baby was born last year (they were 14 and 16) the baby is now about 15 months old and ds got his GCSEs and is at a sixth form college doing his A levels and recently done his AS levels. DH made it clearly he didn't want the fact he had a baby to impact his education (or baby's mums) and funded everything for him pretty much and now pays for him to go to nursery a few days a week but ds does work - well did, he's worked a few jobs since turning 16.

I am at my wits end with him though just lately as he vapes even though he shouldn't due to his heart, we've told him multiple times but he says he's fine but he then plays on his condition by saying he's too tired and he doesn't go to college sometimes because Again he's tired or can't be bothered

Now the issue, he recently broke up with his gf which hit him hard as they were together for over 2 and a half years, they were argujg a lot and I think it was they were both stressed because of exams (GCSEs for her and AS levels for him). I went to the shop he works at yesterday and his boss asked me if he was ok as he’d told them the other day he was in hospital because of chest pains but since then he's ignored their calls. I was shocked and told them he was fine because he is

He's now annoyed with me and called me a bitch because he's going to be sacked and he could've worked more in a few weeks as it's the summer holidays, he said he was working things out with his gf and his job is “r slur” because they don't allow him his phone to be in his pocket when he needs it to be reminded to take his meds

Dh has sided with him as usual and said we should've made him own up himself but then asked me to babysit our grandson Tuesday (he usually does on a tuesday) as he's got to go in the office which he does 1 Monday and Tuesday a month. It is my day off but I do have plans with a friend

AIBU to say no? And WIBU to have not lied for ds

"This situation is for her DH to sort out with his son."

Why didn't she do that, then? People are giving her a hard time because instead of saying "I'll tell him you were asking about it." and then leaving it to him to take care of, she threw him under the bus. She had to know he'd get sacked but it was apparently more important to tell on him than to let him take responsibility and handle it himself.

I think she's one of his parents, and chewing him out at home would have been okay. Telling his employer he lied is not.

This is really hard. I'm all for a white lie when needed but lying that a 17yo is ill with a heart condition is something else. The manager was probably really worried and I can completely understand why OP didn't want to add to that. It would make me feel really uncomfortable and I don't think you could really get away with being vague like if he'd said he was off with a tummy bug. It's an unfortunate situation all round to say the least.

When you lie there is a risk you get caught out. It was a stupid lie and I don’t think OP is to blame for not covering for him. Also - where was he when he was meant to be working? What other responsibilities has he shirked in that time? Who had the baby so he could work? Who paid for the nursery?

This is the age when you have to get them to feel the consequences. If you accept it, you condone it.

OP you are not unreasonable and I wouldn’t be inclined to look after grandchildren either if their parent had sworn at me.

She was asked directly about his condition - he told his boss he’d been in hospital and then ignored their calls. So ‘I’ll tell him you were asking’ isn’t an appropriate answer. The boss clearly wanted more information which OP didn’t have and not knowing what DS had said she would likely have dropped him much further into the shit. The truth was not only the best option, it was the only one.

And why are posters so appalled that he lost his job ? He’s not mad at OP because he was fired - he clearly doesn’t give a toss about the job or he wouldn’t have told the lie. He’s mad because he’s been conditioned into thinking his health condition is a free pass, and that’s made him entitled enough to think that OP should have backed him up in hoodwinking his employer into thinking he was ill. And clearly lots of posters agree with him. Which is appalling.

Spot on. At 17 he needs to learn fast that his condition isn’t a free pass to get him what he wants. OP and her DH have cushioned him because of his health and it’s time for that to stop. He told a horrible lie about his health to get out of working while OP and her DH are providing childcare and covering expenses so that he and his GF can continue their education. I can’t believe how many posters seem to think that what he did was an acceptable way to behave in return for that support.

Can’t believe the replies here, of course you weren’t wrong to be caught on the hop and not lie for him. I suspect I would have answered automatically as well, before realising.

It’s so hard that he’s been through so much with health and his Mum, but being a young Dad is on him.

I wouldn’t have lied for him either.
And if he’s not working he should be looking after his own child.

So many people in this thread who lie like breathing and can't understand (a) the OP not being able to naturally do so when caught unawares; (b) what they're teaching their children by covering up for their lies; or (c) why lying wrong and erodes the trust in society in general.

How many of you have ever said, "are you calling me a liar?!" in outraged tones to someone? I bet you have. Well you are.

If it's for them to sort out out she shouldn't have made any comments.

Why is she a horrible person ? OP and her DH have cushioned this boy because of his health and other issues, and look how he’s repaid them. He got his 13 year old GF pregnant and by the sounds of it, they have taken on his responsibilities and expenses in respect of the child so that he and his girlfriend don’t miss out on their education. Then he told an utterly reprehensible lie to his employer and ignored their subsequent calls. Simply to get out of working - he used his health as an excuse.

I don’t think OP intentionally dropped him in it, because not knowing what he’d said, lying to cover would probably have made it worse. I think she was right to tell the truth - she’s burst his bubble of entitlement and provided a valuable lesson that DS desperately needs to learn if he’s to be a responsible parent - that actions have consequences.

Dick move. Would it have killed you to say 'He's home, I'll ask him to call you to update.'? All true and doesn't drop him in it. Poor kid. Glad he's got at least one person who has his back, he's gone through a lot.

I think the OP is getting a really hard time. She was caught out in the moment. It’s very hard to lie in that situation.

I hope her son doesn’t regularly call her a ‘bitch’ because that’s disgusting. He’s had a hard life but none of it seems OP’s fault.

She was asked directly by his employer - she’s DS’s step parent and expected to know what was happening. What was she supposed to say ? If l was providing childcare and expenses for my DS’s child so they could continue in education, l’d be mightily pissed off if l found out he’d been skipping work and using lies about his health to cover his absence. He’s not only lied to his employer, he’s clearly lied to OP and DH if they didn’t even know he wasn’t working.

Young people are finding it reallly hard to find employment at the moment and yet you come along and do this, what a cuntish thing to do. He should have been read the riot act at home. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Poor kid ? He clearly doesn’t give a shit about the job or he wouldn’t have lied in the first place. He’s mad at OP because he was found out, not because he was fired. And his dad hasn’t got his back, he’s enabling his fecklessness and sense of entitlement. OP warned him about DS dating a 13 year old and he chose to ignore her. That turned out great didn’t it ?

OP and her DH are taking on childcare and related expenses so he and his GF can get an education. The dick move here is on DS for disrespecting the support he’s getting. He needs a kick up the arse so he understands that the world doesn’t owe him anything, otherwise he’s not going to be much of a provider for his child

Why would you do that?

If he cared about the job he wouldn’t have lied in the first place. The employer asked OP a direct question about DS’s health, based on a complicated lie DS had told him about hospitalisation because of chest pains. He then ignored his calls - that’s an awful thing to do. OP didn’t know what exactly he’d been told so was she supposed to say ? She can’t just make things up on the spot about a non existent hospital stay, and nor should she have to. Compounding the lie likely would have dropped him in it even further and made OP look an idiot. And it’s not doing DS any favours to shield him from the consequences of his stupid and selfish actions.

I'm in a minority here i can see, but Imo there are 2 separate issues.
This kid has had a lot of really shitty things happen to him and he needs supporting with working through that.

He's also young and incredibly irresponsible. He's committed statutory rape, and fathered a child he has no way of supporting.
He would likely have lost his job anyway if he has been ignoring their calls since saying he was in hospital. We all know this isn't how jobs work and you can't just pick and choose when you go in.

The bad stuff that has happened to him is awful.
It doesn't absolve him of any responsibility in other areas of his life though. He's old enough to know he should use contraception. He's old enough to know that there might be consequences from lying to his employer.

And if any of my children called me a bitch for telling the truth when I'd been put on the spot about their lies then they'd get short shift

You don't teach children responsibility by constantly accepting and facilitating shitty behaviour

Well I’ll say one thing for him … when he lies he goes big. He could have just said he didn’t feel well but for some reason decided to say he was in hospital. Is that because he decided not to work for several days?. The whole situation is a bit of a car crash but it isn’t as if you marched down there to tell them and drop him in it. He dropped himself
in it. What has he been doing with the days that he was supposed to be working?

We need to know how that conversation went before condemning her. It could have been, 'Oh, how is x doing now?'/'I hope x is all right.' To which a blank look and a Yes, he's fine, why?' would have been a reasonable answer. It probably wasn't 'I heard x was back in hospital, how is he?' which would have given her a heads up as to what was going on.

Absolutey this. There also doesn’t seem to be any comprehension of the fact that DH has clearly given his son a lot of leeway because of his health condition, which has led to a sense of entitlement. That needs to stop because the rest of the world simply won’t accommodate it. I get the feeling that OP has had to deal with the consequences of DS’s actions quite often.

He definitely clearly isn't 'fine' though. You should have supported him to this guy. You did the wrong thing OP

Well said. I get the feeling that DS has developed a sense of entitlement because of his health issues - from what OP says, somewhat enabled by his dad. The lie was based on his condition so he clearly thinks it’s acceptable to use it as an excuse. It doesn’t bode well for his future, both as a father, and as a person in his own right, if he’s allowed to continue in that belief.

Supported him how - by stooping to lying herself ? That’s not supporting him, it’s enabling him. Surprised at how easily lying comes to so many posters here.