AIBU to say I cannot keep lifting my mum’s chair?

[Elphabayo]

My mum had a fall 3 years ago and had a broken hip also diabetes and heart issues
she brought a chair to be go out however it is down to me her only child to lift the chair in and out of everywhere and I hate it. It’s so heavy I have severe shoulder pain each time it rips my clothes and gets mud all over them I feel I cannot do it anymore but if I don’t her life is even more limited than it is.

why are you talking rubbish? The OP has said nothing about her own weight, or, for that matter, her mother's weight. Its the heavy chair that is causing the problem. Additionally the OP can't just book an appointment and tell her mother that is what happening. Yes the OP is entitled to a carer's assessment but NO health or social services clinician will agree to see someone who is mentally competent without getting their permission. The first question they will ask is "have you got your mother's permission to talk to me about this?"

She has said they are both overweight.

See OPs posts.

where?

See post

ok my bad

So stop enabling her then?

Tell her - i cannot lift this chair, so if you want to go out you need to use something different - and here are your options.

Honestly OP your mum is being abusive.

You are being physically and emotionally hurt by her.

I know you love her because she's your Mum, but she's also your worst enemy.

I so wish you could put your wellbeing, and that of your children (because they rely on you) first.

You don't have to do these things. I know you feel you should, but you really don't have to. You need to look at what you can reasonably do for your mother and do those things. But be clear, that you cannot manage the chair.
You'll only end up hurting yourself if this goes on and that will help nobody.
Your mother needs to take some responsbility for her own needs. Following the doctor's advice would be a start.

Absolutely this.

I'd be very worried that your mother is disregarding doctors advice to walk as much as she can. She will leave herself with permanent immobility if she loses her ability to walk.

She cannot expect you to jump at her command.

Time for an ultimatum I think - engage with social care and the OTs, and follow medical advice, or you won't help her with her trips out anymore.

You are at serious risk of hurting yourself, please look after yourself. Lifting heavy things into a car boot is a common cause of back injury.

It’s not your responsibility to sacrifice your wellbeing for other people. You’ve tried and now it’s too much so you need to stop- a perfectly reasonable stance.

@Elphabayo both your issue with your shoulder and your mum issue with walking are VALID. Neither of them should be discounted. Neither of you should be told to just push through, that you’re making it up etc….

Youre both doing the same thing though: asking the other one to push through regardless because the alternative (her not going out, you still lifting) is impossible.

Seriously, your mum bought an EWC that simply isn’t suitable for your (TOGETHER) needs. You need something light you can lift, batteries easy to remove (and most are. Mines are just a push button, in easy reach) and yet still allowing your mum to move around freely.
You might also want to look at scooters again too.
1- they are way cheaper than an EWC
2- many of them can easily be pulled apart in 3 or 4 parts, each being much much lighter than your current arrangement.
A company such as This One will come to your home so you can try different models and see what’s more suitable.

The rest - you having your shoulder looked at, her trying to walk more - are nice but a medium term solution imo. Simply because both of those require time and a PT input.

For those saying it’s bad the mum is refusing input from Social Care etc….

Have you considered she has tried before and got nowhere?
That she has asked (maybe her GP, any HCP involved in her care) and was told theres nothing available for her?
that her needs might have dismissed in the past so she doesn’t want to try again!p?

Being chronically ill is a very particular position to be in.
Abled people expect support is available when there is very little.
Needs are routinely ignored and patients gaslighted (see medical trauma)

As I said, I use an EWC.
I got it myself after I was advised to use one to give me some independence back. No info how I was supposed to get that though.
GP received the letter stating I needed a WC. Told me is not their problem, See Social care.
Social Care did a visit and told me it’s not in ther remit. GP should refer me.
Back to the GP who got really grumpy at me insisting for a WC.

A few weeks later, a manual WC was delivered to my house from the Wheelchair Services. Totally unsuitable. No discussion about my needs and how I was going to use it despite the fact theyre supposed to do an assessment first. No idea what the GP told them either.
After that, I gave up. The wheelchair is in the garage gathering dust. I bought one myself, just like the OP’s mum. I’m just very lucky that what I found worked for me. But in retrospect that was PURE LUCK (because I had no idea of issues I could face, what to look for etc….). I could easily have spent £2.5k on something I couldn’t use.

So yes, the barriers you have to overcome to get a modicum of support are huge, much bigger than most people realise

A few weeks later, a manual WC was delivered to my house from the Wheelchair Services. Totally unsuitable. No discussion about my needs and how I was going to use it despite the fact theyre supposed to do an assessment first. No idea what the GP told them either.

I have experienced this. What happened in my local incident was that it went through as an urgent referral (this patient needs a wheelchair right now and they don't have a chair already), and so wheelchair services sent out a chair they had on hand without any assessment. We were expected to try it out, identify the issues and then call wheelchair services again to explain the problems.

Then wheelchair services came out, measured, and swapped parts around to make it appropriate. This took months.

Do you want a manual chair for inside the house? If so, ring Wheelchair Services and tell them the one they sent doesn't fit. Or if you want to stick with the powerchair, ask Wheelchair Services to collect it as unsuitable equipment.

The rest - you having your shoulder looked at, her trying to walk more - are nice but a medium term solution imo.

@SummerDive I disagree. They are issues that need addressing right now. OP is a single mum also juggling her mother and work. If she’s torn a rotator cuff manhandling an unsuitable piece of heavy equipment then she’s potentially facing surgery and a period of rehabilitation. She needs medical attention as soon as she can see her GP.

Also her mother needs to try following her own rehabilitation instructions starting today. It’s all very well expecting the NHS to leap into action if someone is unwell/injured, but we all have to do our part in contributing to our own recovery. If not then you (general you, in this case OP’s mum) don’t have grounds to moan if you don’t get better and in fact get worse and more dependent on other people.

Where I do agree with you is that @Elphabayo and her mother do appear to doing the same thing - having a good moan about their respective situations but rejecting any practical suggestions to improve matters.

We have a carbon one similar to this - iCONNECT ZR1 Carbon Powerchair - Ergonomic, Light and Stylish It's very light and so much easier to lift than other ones we've had previously.

this, all of this

@ElphabayoMy friend’s 83 year old mum is now housebound as she can only go outside in a wheelchair, she is 20 stone & is bad at transfers; so my friend did some research and found a local wheelchair taxi company.
Considering they are very rural this was amazing.
So the wheelchair taxi just turns up, my friend’s mum gets wheeled via a ramp into the taxi & wheeled out the other end to eg drs appointments, garden centre, shopping centre; basically it’s opened up a whole new world for her. My friend meanwhile usually drives her own car & meets her mum’s taxi at whatever venue.
The taxi is also surprisingly affordable!

So I think you need to do some research yourself online about wheelchair taxi businesses local to your mum. Obviously check that they will take power chairs. If not then do look at lightweight manual chairs (that maybe your mum could even try wheeling herself???)
One of my friends is an amputee- when she first left hospital she needed a wheelchair before she had a prosthetic, so got the lightest chair available, so easy to lift & push honestly, well worth the initial outlay.
Good luck x

A carers assessment is for OP, not her mother. SS don’t need her mothers’ permission.

OP, have you managed to book a GP appointment yet?

Use "Driving Miss Daisy". You are not her servant.

I get that you want her to be well but you are under no obligation to set yourself on fire for her to be well! Look at this logically - if you keep humphing this chair about you are are going to do yourself a serious injury. Then what? She won't be going out because you can't take her because she's injured you with her demands. Paid carers wouldn't do this due to the moving and handling risks. I know you have said you have ADHD but you are going to need to set your boundaries on this because with the best will in the world, if you get injured she is not going to be able to help you and you are both stuffed! Might I suggest you Google local befriending charities - they will call to speak with her and some even do a lunch club where someone will pick her up and take her. Also possibly hearing from someone else that the chair is not suitable for lifting might just give the reality check needed....or she might just lump them in the lazy category too! Either way it should relieve the pressure on you. Good luck 🤞🏻

You are eligible for a motability car. It’s a choice you have made not to have one.

Where on earth is she going every day that requires you to lift her wheelchair out of your car multiple times a day?
And why are you doing all this ferrying around? Do you live together? Don't you work?
If she's well enough to go on multiple gallivants a day, then she's well enough to understand that you can't physically handle that, and make alternative arrangements.
You need to have a conversation with her.
"Mum, I'm happy to keep driving you whether you want to go, but I can't physically lift your wheelchair any more. It's damaging my shoulder, ripping and dirtying my clothes. Unless we can come up with an alternative, or a fix of some sort, then I'm afraid the outings will have to stop. Or someone else will have to come and fetch you."

It’s sounds like you’re absolutely at the end of your tether OP. Your mum is being deeply unreasonable and it’s fine for you to be frustrated at that. I genuinely would fake a shoulder injury or even talk to a Dr about whether it is hurting you. Eventually you will actually injure yourself which will be worse for everyone.