AIBU to say I cannot keep lifting my mum’s chair?

[Elphabayo]

My mum had a fall 3 years ago and had a broken hip also diabetes and heart issues
she brought a chair to be go out however it is down to me her only child to lift the chair in and out of everywhere and I hate it. It’s so heavy I have severe shoulder pain each time it rips my clothes and gets mud all over them I feel I cannot do it anymore but if I don’t her life is even more limited than it is.

If it’s a powered chair yes they are very heavy.
its the battery and motor so you can’t get a lightweight one.
Ideally it would be kept indoors with a ramp to get out, but this isn’t always possible.
is she asking you to lift it in/out of the house and into the car?
She can pay for a wheelchair accessible taxi, but ofc she won’t want to.
You are of course not being unreasonable not to want to injure yourself.
Refer her to OT at adult social care wherever you live but where I work provision is limited to people who cannot walk at all, so there may not be anything offered.
There are countless threads on here where relatives are making unreasonable care demands and I really feel for you.

You can get lightweight powerchairs @Elphabayo

This one , the Quickie q50r is 14.5kg and has a weight capacity of 136kg (21.5 stone), could that be suitable?

This. You need to get an adapted vehicle with either a hoist or ramp / platform lift entry. It isn’t cheap, but this is the sort of thing that Motobility will help with. Or get it done privately. You should absolutely not be lifting a powered chair

Yes she can inside the house. She has MJ issues too , to be honest she doesn’t help herself at all which is why I get so annoyed even on my birthday I felt so bad that at my birthday meal I was lifting this thing in and out of the car my clothes all ruined and just completely knackered from it. She has grown men saying it’s too heavy for them yet I am expected to.
she won’t accept an assessment as she won’t work with adult social care
she asks me to do everything then blames me when I can’t keep on top of it all!

Well, she's going to have to.

I appreciate that this seems unsympathetic, but you should not be injuring yourself for her. I'm sure she's scared of walking after the fall, but the solution isn't sacrificing your health. You're risking injury and disability here.

Electric wheelchairs are often extremely heavy. The motors and the batteries make up most of that.You can get hoists fitted for lifting them in and out of the car, though I don't know if all cars are suitable for those. Some might be too small.

You'll probably have to get very firm with her. Either she agrees to try different types of chair which you can manage or she will have to accept that she will become housebound as you won't be able to take her out.

My mother had an electric scooter. It was small and didn't look like it should have been particularly heavy but it bloody well was. I couldn't lift it. Taxi drivers didn't want to lift it in and out of their cars either.

She also had a very lightweight basic wheelchair which I could manage everywhere. Taxi drivers didn't mind it either. We used that a lot in the last couple of years of her life.

Get firm with her. Point out that surely she doesn't want you to get injured, therefore she must try different types of mobility aids and wheelchairs to try and find a combination that is useable for both of you.

Time to say rough titty mam I can't and won't do it anymore.

I think this is less about finding a workable solution for her, and more about encouraging you to put boundaries in place with her.

Why can’t you say No to her?

Then you don't help her. You do not do it all.

I realise this sounds awful, but I work in an area that touches on these issues, and sometimes relatives and carers have to say no. Powerchairs can be incredibly heavy, and it sounds like no professional guidance was involved in purchasing this one, so goodness knows how bad this one is.

She is making unreasonable demands and refusing to allow assessments from adult social care, so you need to start saying no as well.

So how does she move around inside the house? I think you need to buy her a rollator, on the premise that it's just for indoors, to make sure she doesn't fall etc. then once she's used to it try and get her out in the garden with it, then to the park, the shops/pharmacy, a nice cafe. Gradually further. Only when the weather is nice.

Is she on adequate pain relief? My mum refuses anything stronger than paracetamol which isn't helpful as you need to have a level of pain which makes you feel like walking is bearable.

Would she do any physio exercises? Has she tried a referral to physio from hospital?

I hope you find a way to get her more mobile. You can tell her factually that you are not capable of lifting the power chair if that really is the case.

She has grown men saying it’s too heavy for them yet I am expected to.

Fuck that shit.

You need to do exactly what she is doing, refuse to do something you do not want to do.
She can make decisions about what she will and won't do, you need to do the same.
There are many good suggestions on this thread, if she refuses to accept any of these alternatives then that's on her not you.

Are you her full-time carer ? She has come up with a solution to the problem she felt with mobilising outside , (did she fall outside ? ) the problem is the solution isn't workable for you. I think you need to be quite firm with her and explain that if you are injured she won't be going anywhere so you need to find a solution that works for both of you.
Also has she been referred for weight loss through the NHS, losing weight will help with her mobility overall and probably improve the symptoms of her other health related issues.

Just say I’m sorry mum I can’t do this you maybe need to get a lighter weight one or look at getting carers to assist.

why is this happening multiple times a day tho??

if you can’t physically do it then this isn’t a long term solution is it? Appreciate it’s difficult but you have to be practical.

You have to say no to her, she is asking or probably telling you to do it, but you don't have to struggle, what happens if you said no ? She wouldn't get out but that is on her not you? I would also go over her head and phone adult social services get them to meet you first or at your mother's house,

Do you live with her, OP? I can see how that would make it harder to say no.

So why don’t you say no, you can’t do it?

You're going to have to just refuse to do it any longer. Say you physically can't, because if it's so bad that you're hurting yourself and ruining your clothes, it's only a matter of time before you do suffer an injury from it. There are other options. That may not be what she prefers, but unfortunately that's just the way it is.

That's very selfish of her.

If you live with her this will be a bit more difficult, but it can be done. Speaking from experience here, my late mum was similar. I got totally fed up hauling this monstrosity (the chair, not mum!) into and out of the boot, manouevering her in and out and so on that I stopped doing it.

We still went out but only locally where she could power herself around without needing the car, there were ramps in and out of her house so that was fine. If she needed to go anywhere else like hospital appointments etc. I ordered a wheelchair accessible taxi, that was an absolute dream. So there are ways around it. You have to say that you won't do it, here are the alternatives and there are solutions.

It's very easy OP just tell her it's too heavy and you WONT lift it . I'm a wheelchair user and have a lightweight one for this very reason . Why are you letting her refuse and risk permanent injury to yourself .

Every word of this. This is a serious injury waiting to happen. You have all the warning signs you could possibly have.

Your mother manages to say no to things all the time. Take a leaf out of her book and say no too. "My shoulder hurts too much to lift that chair".

She's scared of falling so she won't walk. That's her decision to minimise the risk of future injury. Well, you're rightfully scared of catastrophic irreversible shoulder injury, so you won't be lifting that powerchair any more.

Then you have to say no. Mum I can't do this. Blame the doctor saying it's damaging your shoulder if you need to. I have booked an OT assessment etc to help us both. Let her kick off if she wants to. She is being manipulative. If she won't engage then she stays home. Her choice. Stop letting her bully you.

Just say you're not prepared to do it.

offer what you feel able to do.

her choice to accept what you offer or not.

you're a grown woman she can't make you do anything.

Don't then. If you refuse, she has no option but to deal with adult social services. Do you live together?