AIBU to say I cannot keep lifting my mum’s chair?

[Elphabayo]

My mum had a fall 3 years ago and had a broken hip also diabetes and heart issues
she brought a chair to be go out however it is down to me her only child to lift the chair in and out of everywhere and I hate it. It’s so heavy I have severe shoulder pain each time it rips my clothes and gets mud all over them I feel I cannot do it anymore but if I don’t her life is even more limited than it is.

Or more likely she would become housebound.

People don’t just stopped walking and moving about just fur the pleasure of it!!

Well that's a her problem then. You need to say no I can't lift that. And stick to it

If she is over retirement age she will not be eligible for PIP or any form of mobility allowance unless she was already claiming before retirement age. If she’s below retirement age it would be advisable to claim before retirement.

@Elphabayo can iMask how your mum got her EWC?

Is it an NHS one? (I doubt so you never know)
Otherwise, did she buy it on her own, wo your input re putting it in and out of the car etc..?
In my experience, professionals will let you try out different models, look at what’s practical you etc… including the car you’re using.

eg I can put my EWC in my car because it’s low. But not in dh car so if we use his, he is doing the handling.

It sounds like the EWC she has just isn’t suited. An expensive mistake to make

Also you dint need a Motability car from what the OP describes.
A hoist solves many problem. You can it fitted yourself

A hoist is around £2k
A lightweight EWC (carbon fibre) is around £3k.

I mean, I have an EWC, have the higher level PIP but dint have a Motability car. Nir do I need a ramp in the car.

Or Actually she just can’t?
Are you in her mum’s body to be able to tell what she can or can’t do??

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, it is so frustrating. Sadly it means once you become your parent's carer it means you don't feel like a daughter any more.
I think you can do one of 2 things

1. You can talk to her gently and say you can not continue, it's too heavy and you can't manage, you will not be doing it again. If that means that she can't go out, well that's what will happen. You can offer to help her get a carer/ adult social care assessment/ a ramp out of her house etc.
2. You can just go cold turkey and tell her you're not coming to help until she helps herself and accepts professional help. A few days to think about it and she will realise that she will have to give in. Don't get involved, just leave her the phone numbers.

I think probably you'll have to do a combination. Go cold turkey and then when she asks for help say the only help available is to help her get support from elsewhere. If you're helping then social care won't help as much anyway.

I had to stop helping my mum to go out as she insisted on using a stick by dragging it behind her and then constantly tripped and leant heavily on me. She is very beant over and needs her stick next to her or in front not behind. She wouldn't use the stick properly or consider a trolley. She once fell onto me and it caused damage to my back. I refused to accompany her again. She then started to use a trolley which is much safer for her.

Eventually she agreed to have hand rails, and a ramp up to her door too, but it took my husband to speak to her for her to accept it but as he predicted he's a man so she listened 😡. It was the same design and materials I suggested.

You're not alone. Just don't feel like you have to wear yourself out in order to please her.

She can though. Her doctor wants her to for her own sake. She can move around at home but is choosing to be in a wheelchair while out and about. Maybe it’s a confidence issue and she’s worried about another fall. But that’s something she needs to address her own sake. She’s going to be gutted if her current attitude impacts her to the point she is completely reliant on others and has no choice about it. It’s heartbreaking. My dad ended up in a wheelchair temporarily after major surgery. Unfortunately the surgery went very wrong and now he’s permanently stuck with the bloody thing and can’t even use the loo by himself. He would give anything for a doctor to be able to encourage him to get about with no wheelchair.

You're not unreasonable - it sounds like you need a break from her criticism and the effort you go to

@WhatOnEarthAreYourTalkingAbout you realise that the mum will NOT get a lighter EWC from social services/wheelchair services/occupational health etc?
The mum can engage however much she can, she won’t get it. It just doesn’t exist.

After that, what sort of other ‘professional help’ do you think she’ll get that will magically make her able to just walk?

I wish people would stop the ‘if she tried harder, she’d be able to do xyz’ as if people haven’t tried or that the only worthy disabled people are those who overcome and aren’t a bother to their carer.
Being disabled is not a choice fgs

If she gets high rate PIP mobility then she can look at getting a Wheelchair adapted vehicle (WAV). This would allow her to travel in her wheelchair, then you don’t have to do any lifting. Even if she doesn’t get PIP then she should look at getting a second hand WAV.

If you injure yourself then she will be going nowhere.

This may sound harsh but if she won't use adult social care she can't expect you to do everything for her, and by doing everything for her you enable her refusal to help herself. I would step back a bit and hope that she reaches a point of realising that she really does need to ask for a social care assessment.

You should not be attempting to lift a power chair in and out of any property or in and out of a car, community OT's usually work from Social services and they can provide temporary ramps in the short term and can arrange a permanent adaptation in the longer term, providing she actually needs this equipment. Ask for an assessment The OT would be an alligh if this equipment is inappropriate

Yanbu, that must be hard op x

“Mum I am sorry but I cannot help you with your chair until you’ve had a social services assessment. You may be eligible for help with something more suitable. If I get injured I’ll be no good to either of us will I”

This 👏

OP and WhatOnEarthAreYourTalkingAbout i am so sorry to hear about your experiences with your relative mums. *

*WhatOnEarthAreYourTalkingAbout offer some very good advice. *

OP you cannot continue putting your health at risk for your mum.

She needs to find alternative professional help, a hoist or whatever.

OP, your mother is trying to improve her own life by making yours worse. This is not any kind of way to live your life. If you're not careful, you will ruin your own health. Time to say no, and she will need to make other arrangements. You can help her with this if you want, but you can't continue to risk injury like this.

If her doctors think she should be trying to walk more, then she’s the one who is limiting her life by insisting on an incredibly heavy wheelchair she doesn’t really need, not you.

I really think you need to tell her you won’t be lifting the chair any longer. You might end up injuring yourself if you don’t stop.

I havd been using a wheelchair on and off the last 5 years or so. The last year my mobility has taken a nose dive and due to my numerous falls, have had to start using a wheelchair all the time out of the house. However like your mum, I'm heavy, and not very strong (not enough to propel myself as easily as I used to for instance). So my husband was pushing me everywhere. We got a larger lightweight wheelchair, but found that was still a lot of effort for my husband to be pushing for a day excursion for instance. We went to London and he pushed me almost 6 hours non stop. We had thought it would make things easier. It didnt. He found it exhausting. And every bump that wheelchair found rattled my bones and made me feel I was going to fall out. I also felt completely invisible, which isnt nice. An electric wheelchair for my size was an impossibility. Not only would it not fit in our chair, the price was out of our reach.
We took our daughter and a friend to London Zoo for the day and I knew it would be exhausting with two pre teens (at the time), so I hired one of their electric scooters. It was life changing, honestly! It was SO easy to drive I was playing tag with the kids running about, which was something I hadn't done in years and was utterly joyful! The kids also joined me on the scooter one at a time, sitting on my knee, which was hilarious! Plus I was able to go round ALL of the zoo without having to sit down every 5 minutes, and not being in pain or utterly exhausted the next day!

Sooo, I started looking for a scooter. This isnt an advert. I wont even tell you which company I used as theyre all similar! BUT I found a scooter that was suitable for my weight (and more even!), that is easy to use and has lights etc all around, its comfortable with a deep 'captains chair' and arm rests that you can have up or down so the seat is comfortable however wide your own seat is!

Most importantly for us because we wanted it for going out, day trips, holidays etc, it needed to fit in the car. And it does. It breaks down into about 5 parts, all which are lightweight enough for ME to lift into the boot, though I choose not to as bending in particular is something I struggle with (my brain cant tell which way is up if I tilt my head and I often fall! AND get so dizzy I throw up. So yeah, I avoid bending!). BUT my husband and even my daughter, can take it apart (no tools needed, just clips on the scooter) and put it in the boot, and theres still room for bags etc. We have an sun style vehicle. There's seats in the boot that can be put down for decent boot space but its not an estate or anything, and I feel sure itd fit in a regular boot!

The best part was the cost. £2000. Yeah, its a lot isnt it. A HUGE amount for us. More than we would normally spend on a car actually. Im on disability and my husband works for the NHS so we're not made of money. The company I used offered 0% interest. And its based on your disability, so on my PIP. They use that guarantee of income, and ignore bad credit etc, and take payment the same day as you get your PIP. So I think I pay £63 every 4 weeks. Pretty good price, I'd say! The guy I ordered it from over the phone was definitely a salesman. But he was polite, pleasant to speak and I didnt feel pushed or forced into buying. He helped me find the right chair based on MY needs.

Then it was delivered to our house a couple of weeks later. Brought into the living room, and we were given a demonstration in how to put it together and apart. And also how to drive it. The guy doing that wasnt in a rush, he took his time and answered all our questions etc.

And like I said, its been life changing. I can walk my dogs again! I can scoot to the local shop, pub, and hairdressers! I don't feel like a burden to my husband. And if I want to go out when hes at work, my MIL volunteers to drive and put the chair together and we can have a fun afternoon at the garden centre, when previously Id have been indoors all day on my own!!
Being able to take my daughter shopping alone is my next big step. But I need to get my motability car first in order to do that ;) lol.

I couldn't recomend a scooter more. I know you may have some of the same issues as the world is not made for accessibility. But if you talk to these salesmen they may be able to point you towards a more all terrain scooter that would make that part easier for you and your mum.

Either way I wish you the best of luck. And I really hope you find the courage to speak to her before you give yourself a permanent injury, as I'm sure she would be devastated if that happend ❤️

Take care, and sorry for the long ass comment every one!! X

You can get a hoist installed in the boot of your car. It may be covered by motability if she gets pip. I absolutely don't know how you are managing.

they don't do it for fun but you'd be surprised what people refuse to try to do!

Sunday - mum I can no longer lift your chair in and out of the car. It’s breaking my back. I can no longer do this . We need an assessment to get help around travelling will you agree . Highly likely she will say no

mon - she calls and asks you to take her to Tesco. You say i can’t do that. I can’t manage the lifting. Suggest calling an accessible taxi at her cost. Suggest getting an assessment.

Tues - she calls reminding you about Dr’s appointment next day . You say I can’t take you in your chair in the car as I can’t manage the lifting. We need an assessment

and so it continues - every day - everywhere she wants to go : you repeat - I can’t manage lifting the chair into the car. You need an assessment. And you do not drive her.

she will probably rant and rage at you and give you a really hard time - but if you remain constant and resolute she will have to take responsibility and get assessments etc to get the help she needs as you are no longer doing it.

you cannot afford to injure yourself and cannot allow yourself into being coerced and blackmailed into continuing to provide care that you are not physically able to do.

none of us want to upset others and we want to respect our parents but that does not mean you have to cripple yourself taking care of her.

you don’t keep someone warm by setting yourself on fire.

set your boundaries and refuse to budge.

kids Dad got one of these a few years ago for his 90yo gran, his mum said she couldn't lift it and that was the end of that. Personally I felt she could / should have made more effort but you've tried, it's painful and causing issues so it's not suitable and needs to go. Stand up for yourself, I have a feeling this may be a pattern of behaviour and you are putting yourself second too often

@Whereisliverpooleddie what will the OP do when there is no assessment available or that assessment leads to a NO?

Or do you believe there is a magic wheelchair service/OT that will give to the mum the equipment she needs or that will magically make her able to walk?

Have you ever used those services yourself!