AIBU to say I cannot keep lifting my mum’s chair?

[Elphabayo]

My mum had a fall 3 years ago and had a broken hip also diabetes and heart issues
she brought a chair to be go out however it is down to me her only child to lift the chair in and out of everywhere and I hate it. It’s so heavy I have severe shoulder pain each time it rips my clothes and gets mud all over them I feel I cannot do it anymore but if I don’t her life is even more limited than it is.

How old is your Mum @Elphabayo ?

How about you book an appointment with your GP about the shoulder pain? Are you experiencing pain in your shoulder following lifting the chair, or is it still when directly lifting the chair?

You need to get an OT involved, otherwise she will buy something off the internet again, because it's easier for her. It may not be suitable for the car, and be difficult for you to use.

At a bare minimum, she needs to be booking a visit from the nearest power chair showroom to talk through options.

I tried to keep on helping my lovely dad by using his heavy walker
It's absolutely wrecked one of my shoulders which has affected my daily life. No advvce as everyone's situation is different, but please be careful. X

Time to do some role play and injure your shoulder and not be able to lift the chair any longer. You’re making yourself injured by doing this. You must prioritise your health. If you worked as a paid carer you wouldn’t be allowed to do this due to personal injury.

wow that’s nice isn’t it. More like I have no other family other then my mum and having watched her nearly lose her life I just want her to be well

That’s a good point

It’s directly and after

Say no.

Tell her she needs to get taxis everywhere. Find a local taxi firm where they have a ramp she can drive straight up in to the taxi without getting out of the chair. My MIL can’t lift my FILs electric wheelchair so if he’s taking that out they get a taxi, if they’re just nipping out to appointments, etc then they take his manual wheelchair which she can lift into the car and then she has to push him. She’s 75 and he’s not a small guy but on the flat she can push him short distances.

@godmum56 is correct, if a little blunt. If your mum won’t take your word that doing as she demands is causing you injury and pain then it difficult to see that as anything other than bullying.

Much as you may want to, you can’t make your mum well on your own. She has to do her part, and that starts with following the instructions from her doctor, OT and others. Believe me, it is very difficult watching a loved one not help themselves and then blame it all on everyone else, but you have to step back for the sake of your own health. You don’t say how old she is, but generally people’s need for help increases as they get older and refusing all outside help is a one way ticket to carer breakdown. Have a read of the elderly parents board on here, there’s plenty of examples.

You really need to see a doctor. If you're having pain afterwards, this is a sign damage has already been done. You need to identify the extent of the damage.

I think you're going to get that medical back up.

Well frankly, from what you have said, you are not helping her to be well. You have said that she guilts you and tells you that you have let her down and you suck it up. One of the pieces of advice that I used to give relatives of my patients is to be honest about what you can do and what you can't. Every single carer, every single one, has limits on what they can do and its best for everyone for that to be kindly made clear.....but its your choice and no one else's......suck it up or make changes.

and yes......blunt again.

Message her you’re at the gp for shoulder pain, and you won’t be allowed to lift things. Get a sling and wear it at hers. You can’t lift that chair.

Thing is OP people are reading this and are shocked at your mother's behaviour - did you expect something else from the thread? People are agreeing YANBU to want to stop lifting the chair, but they are also saying YABU for the way you are enabling her to bully you. And then yes, it goes into the FOG - fear, guilt and obligation. Its not ok and its not normal, but sadly its not uncommon either.

You say you have a child too, you need to be around to help them and to work to take care of them. Your mum is at best unreasonable and unkind.