AIBU to say I cannot keep lifting my mum’s chair?

[Elphabayo]

My mum had a fall 3 years ago and had a broken hip also diabetes and heart issues
she brought a chair to be go out however it is down to me her only child to lift the chair in and out of everywhere and I hate it. It’s so heavy I have severe shoulder pain each time it rips my clothes and gets mud all over them I feel I cannot do it anymore but if I don’t her life is even more limited than it is.

How old is your Mum @Elphabayo ?

How about you book an appointment with your GP about the shoulder pain? Are you experiencing pain in your shoulder following lifting the chair, or is it still when directly lifting the chair?

You need to get an OT involved, otherwise she will buy something off the internet again, because it's easier for her. It may not be suitable for the car, and be difficult for you to use.

At a bare minimum, she needs to be booking a visit from the nearest power chair showroom to talk through options.

I tried to keep on helping my lovely dad by using his heavy walker
It's absolutely wrecked one of my shoulders which has affected my daily life. No advvce as everyone's situation is different, but please be careful. X

Time to do some role play and injure your shoulder and not be able to lift the chair any longer. You’re making yourself injured by doing this. You must prioritise your health. If you worked as a paid carer you wouldn’t be allowed to do this due to personal injury.

wow that’s nice isn’t it. More like I have no other family other then my mum and having watched her nearly lose her life I just want her to be well

That’s a good point

It’s directly and after

Say no.

Tell her she needs to get taxis everywhere. Find a local taxi firm where they have a ramp she can drive straight up in to the taxi without getting out of the chair. My MIL can’t lift my FILs electric wheelchair so if he’s taking that out they get a taxi, if they’re just nipping out to appointments, etc then they take his manual wheelchair which she can lift into the car and then she has to push him. She’s 75 and he’s not a small guy but on the flat she can push him short distances.

@godmum56 is correct, if a little blunt. If your mum won’t take your word that doing as she demands is causing you injury and pain then it difficult to see that as anything other than bullying.

Much as you may want to, you can’t make your mum well on your own. She has to do her part, and that starts with following the instructions from her doctor, OT and others. Believe me, it is very difficult watching a loved one not help themselves and then blame it all on everyone else, but you have to step back for the sake of your own health. You don’t say how old she is, but generally people’s need for help increases as they get older and refusing all outside help is a one way ticket to carer breakdown. Have a read of the elderly parents board on here, there’s plenty of examples.

You really need to see a doctor. If you're having pain afterwards, this is a sign damage has already been done. You need to identify the extent of the damage.

I think you're going to get that medical back up.

Well frankly, from what you have said, you are not helping her to be well. You have said that she guilts you and tells you that you have let her down and you suck it up. One of the pieces of advice that I used to give relatives of my patients is to be honest about what you can do and what you can't. Every single carer, every single one, has limits on what they can do and its best for everyone for that to be kindly made clear.....but its your choice and no one else's......suck it up or make changes.

and yes......blunt again.

Message her you’re at the gp for shoulder pain, and you won’t be allowed to lift things. Get a sling and wear it at hers. You can’t lift that chair.

Thing is OP people are reading this and are shocked at your mother's behaviour - did you expect something else from the thread? People are agreeing YANBU to want to stop lifting the chair, but they are also saying YABU for the way you are enabling her to bully you. And then yes, it goes into the FOG - fear, guilt and obligation. Its not ok and its not normal, but sadly its not uncommon either.

You say you have a child too, you need to be around to help them and to work to take care of them. Your mum is at best unreasonable and unkind.

Well if she won't use something practical then she can't go out ... end of. Just say no!
I have a disability and do everything I can to make sure that others are not inconvenienced by this, especially family.
You can't be lifting a power chair around!! They are not meant to be lifted around ... they are too heavy for that. You will injure yourself. Just don't do it ...
I have a brilliant ultra lightweight carbon fibre rollator which I can get into my car myself.
You are going to have to be firm for your own safety.

I'm afraid I think you need to be really blunt with your Mum OP. I know that's hard to do, because you obviously love her, and find it difficult to say no to her, but she is being really selfish. I think you need to tell her that you've hurt your shoulder, and you've seen your GP who has told you that you must NEVER lift anything heavy again, as you have already done serious damage. Tell her that unless she agrees to having an OT assessment, and getting the aids she needs, like a suitable wheelchair and having a hoist fitted to get it in and out of the car, she's going to become housebound, unless of course she wants to start working on improving her walking, as her doctor has told her she should be doing.

If by any chance she tries to talk you into continuing to lift the chair, or working on your shoulder and arm muscles to make them stronger so that you can still help her, you can then tell her that if SHE would only work on making her own muscles stronger, she wouldn't necessarily even need a wheelchair!

Is money for another wheelchair an issue OP, as you may not be aware, but you can actually get a grant from the NHS toward a wheelchair, so that might be worth looking into if money's tight? Also, I may have missed it, but can I ask how old your Mum is, and what exactly her mobility problems are?

@Elphabayo I can understand why you feel responsible and want to be able to help her as much as possible, but she is doing nothing at all to either help herself or to make your life easier, is she? She's being completely unreasonable and is making your life a misery.

You are going to reach breaking point (and I suspect this is going to be sooner rather than later), and then you won't be able to do this for her anyway. She needs to have it explained to her that she cannot expect you to do everything for her, whilst at the same time she refuses any outside help.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

The GP is going to be needed to diagnose what damage has been done to your shoulder, so an OT can identify what equipment wouldn't aggravate it.

OP, have you considered that if you were a paid carer, you would be infringing your contract if you used any equipment you hadn't been trained to use? That's because of the risk of damaging yourself, the equipment or the service user through improper use.

This means absolutely no stuff bought online from now on. Either it's provided after an OT assessment via community equipment services who will show you how to use it, or it's bought from a proper specialist showroom who will show you how to use it. If you're not trained to use it, you do not touch it.

Lots of great advice here including this one.

your Mum is being completely unreasonable. You cannot continue to injure yourself and if medical professionals are saying she should be walking she needs to follow this advice!

use some of the great advice here to set boundaries and a way forward

Kindly op, you need to look after yourself and maybe get in shape and lose some weight otherwise later in life you’ll find yourself in the same position as your mum.

Book an OT or SS visit and just tell your mum that’s what’s happening.

It's definitely time for you to draw back. Ask social services for a full care assessment and tell them you won't be available to provide care. If your mother says you're being lazy, ignore her. If she says she won't accept social care, tell her that's all that's on offer as you cannot continue lifting her chair.

It's ridiculous that you are doing this when you work full time anyway. Howe does she manage when you're not around?

Talk to your doctor about this. I suspect they'd be happy to provide something, given the risks inherent in what you are doing.

Where do you get the impression that OP is overweight? She hasn't said so.

OP said her Mum was overweight as she was.