AIBU to say I cannot keep lifting my mum’s chair?

[Elphabayo]

My mum had a fall 3 years ago and had a broken hip also diabetes and heart issues
she brought a chair to be go out however it is down to me her only child to lift the chair in and out of everywhere and I hate it. It’s so heavy I have severe shoulder pain each time it rips my clothes and gets mud all over them I feel I cannot do it anymore but if I don’t her life is even more limited than it is.

You are going to have to get tough. Tell her you can't manage the chair any longer and she needs an occupational health assessment. Is this an abusive relationship?

The post was very clear. Your comment is completely unnecessary.

I can write in English and use punctuation. Any chance you could be less rude and only comment if you have something useful to contribute?

Sorry if this has been mentioned, but a relative of mine became very overweight following an accident that immobilised her at a critical point in her ageing life. She basically stopped moving and going anywhere for years. A few years ago she got a kind of frame that’s like a zimmer frame but you can also sit down on it for a rest. She gained loads of mobility from using it because she could literally stop and sit down whenever she needed to, and obviously it has wheels so it was quite
motivating for her to be able to get around and seeing the improvement to her health.

I would be honest with her and say you simply can’t keep doing this or you are going to end up disabled yourself. Her doctor has recommended that she rehabilitate herself and it’s not on you to be doing this (it’s not actually helping or doing her health any favours).

Not being funny but could you put her on a diet if she’s that big ? It would genuinely help you with the loading and unloading her

I’m so sorry @Elphabayo from your replies and all the suggestions here the only way forward for you is to tell her no and stick to it.
And that’s tough because you love her, she’s your mum, and she will scream and shout and make you feel like shit - BUT at the moment you’re enabling her and she’s not helping herself and you are going to end up with injuries - let alone the toll it’s taking on you mentally right now along with physically x
Is there ANYONE family wise that can talk to her/help?
I strongly suggest you contact one of the many disability charities or carers helplines to get advice and support for yourself moving forward and if they have any suggestions on what to do next.
Ultimately though nothing is going to change until you say NO MORE and put your foot down.
It doesn’t mean you don’t love her, but loving her doesn’t mean you continue to the detriment of yourself.
I wish you the best of luck and I’ll check into the thread to see how you’re going, but please please start putting yourself first xx

Contact ASC yourself and ask for a carer's assessment. They are legally required to do one. Hopefully, this should give you some leverage with your (entirely selfish) mother.

Occupational therapy assessment is nothing to do with social services . You need to ask at her GP surgery for an OT to come out and do an assessment of needs . Does she receive PIP ? If she does and she receives motability allowance she could be entitled to get a vehicle to suit her disability .
this could be a car with an electric hoist in the back to lift the wheelchair into the boot , or a larger vehicle where ramps can be added to the back so that she can drive her chair into the vehicle.
All this is a moot point if she was past retirement age when she became disabled as she won’t be entitled to motability allowance.
She needs to be told that you are not going to take her anywhere in future as you cannot risk your own help .
As I said she needs an OT assessment.

We got cheap ramp for boot and use rachet strap thingy to yank it up the ramp. Budget but works

I am so sorry, your mum sounds abusive. Has she always been this way? I hope you can break free. You deserve better.

Where is she going that you need to put this thing in and out of the car several times a day? You need to yous your voice and say no.

Is it doable to leave the wheelchair in the car rather than taking it in and out the house? Tell her to invest in a small mobility scooter that folds up. Also tell her you can't cope and unless she except outside help then you can't continue doing the things you do. I know it's not easy saying that to your mum but you need to if you can't manage.

ahem....Occupational THERAPY assessment :)

Would you be able to swap your car for a Wheelchair accessible van? With a ramp that you push the chair up?

Actually both the NHS and Social services employ OT's and who does what is a matter of local organisation. The Op will need to ask locally and either the GP or Social Services is a good place to start.

why?????

This isn’t sustainable. You need to stand up for yourself. It sounds like your mum is a “strong character” and used to getting her own way- with you at least. But you are literally hurting yourself and that just isn’t on. She has some choices she needs to make as if these expectations continue then you won’t be able to take her out anywhere at all as you will be injured and as there is apparently no one else she will be housebound and will have to engage with adult social care. In fact, she needs to do that now. Assuming you have your own job/life/family it’s unreasonable to expect you to do everything.

Sorry but she is abusing you mentally and physically. Wake up and realise not all mothers are saints just because that's what the media tells us. You are the saint for putting up with it! Please look after yourself.

You’ve got to either say
no you can’t lift it anymore,
Or keep doing it until you get an
injury.

You need to take care of yourself.

Look at getting a hoist or ramp for your car.
I have a heavy powerchair which my husband can lift into one of our cars in an emergency but have a hoist in my car. No way would I expect someone to be lifting it.
I think all you can do is refuse to do it until she properly engages with services to support her mobility!
You have to look after your own health.

You're going to have to start saying no.

Not read everything but if it's too heavy, it's too heavy. You mum doesn't sound like she wants to try and help you out and multiple trips a day is also unreasonable.
Your mum has now got to accept that the care she needs is beyond your means. Time to look in getting some help? All the best OP.

If she does not need to use a power chair and/or cannot fit one in, indoors, WCS will not give her a chair. If she has no one to lift a chair/move a chair, they will not give her a chair. WCS are highly unlikely to offer a super light weight easy to move model anyway, they have a very small range of chairs they will supply if people meet the criteria but the first criteria is that you must be reliant on it IN the house.

Red Cross loan out chairs, that could be an option to try one out that is lighter.

You are definitely not UR. Next time you lift it I would tell her you’ve hurt your back and tell her you are unable to lift it.
She also needs a firm talking too the less she uses her legs the quicker she will end up chair/bed bound and by that stage it’s too late. Unfortunately the only way to do this is to start refusing or she will keep letting you do the donkey work. I’d highlight to her if she continues like this she will loose the ability of her legs and be dependent on carers doing all her caring for her. She could get an OT assessment and some physiotherapy to help her build up some strength. If this doesn’t work then you’d need to go down the route of a pip assessment and a disability vehicle.

If you said you cannot lift it anymore therefore can’t take her out she would’ve more likely to try other things

So I use an electric wheelchair.

i get why she doesn’t want to use anything else even if she can walk for a bit etc… An EWC becomes an extension of you. Using another EW isn’t the same. Let alone being pushed in a manual wheelchair (you loose any independence)

There are only two solutions there
1- you get a light EWC. I have one that is about 15kg and, for me, is totally manageable. Same weight than a suitcase.
2- you have a hoist installed in your car

The 3rd option is to use a (foldable) ramp to put the EWC in and out but tbh I’ve never been able to use them.

Neither option is cheap. But by experience, it’s that or staying at home so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️