To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

[ifeelasido]

That’s an awful title but it probably best summarises how I’m feeling at the moment.

Everything they do annoys me and a lot of it makes me really angry. I don’t even know why, repeated disobedience, the silliness, the long monologues my five year old subjects me to regularly. I just want to say - shut up, you are boring the hell out of me and I don’t care.

I feel numb. I’m sure they are trying to connect with me but I just feel detached and as if they are nothing to do with me. Then someone does something that kind of spurs me into action and I lose it.

I wish to god there was a way to reverse decisions like this, of course there isn’t. You’re stuck with it and everyone judges you for saying it out loud. But I just don’t feel as if I love or even like them very much.

@ifeelasido you also said " ... it is definitely due to my children! I’m not trying to ‘blame’ them but their behaviour is awful ... "

As much as I have sympathy for you and the way you feel, to be honest, for the long-term mental health of your young children in these very important and formative years, and from a safeguarding pov and being a voice for the voiceless, my greatest concern is for them.

With the exception of any underlaying conditions, their 'awful' behaviour is largely within your influence/control and is probably down to the fact they know how you feel about them, even if they don't have the words or the ability yet, to understand it and vocalise it.

From what you have shared, you definitely need help and I would urge you very strongly to a) go and see your GP; b) get OFF your screen and engage with those little ones who never asked to be born; c) change your mindset and fake it (loving your children and being the parent they need) until you make it.

I truly hope for both your's, but more importantly their sake, you get the help you need.

My first thoughts were also for these poor kids. Both their parents have basically checked out of properly parenting them.

I appreciate that the OP is having a hard time but she doesn't seem massively keen on listening to very much advice and has already decided most things "won't work".

Her message very much seems to be "I wish I'd never had children they've ruined my life". As someone whose mother told me this on a weekly basis growing up, I cannot overstate how damaging this message is to a child. The OP may not actually be saying it, but she might as well be, as her kids will pick up on how she feels.

While she obviously needs some sort of medical or theraputic help, I think she also needs to take responsibility for her own life and actions and start putting her children first here. I have suffered from depression for most of my life but I still always made the effort to parent my children and do my very best for them. She chose to have kids, they didn't ask to be born.
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It doesn't happen in isolation though does it? The kids are acting out more because your DH and your mental and physical health isn't great. Your health isn't great partly because of the kids' behaviour. It becomes a vicious circle unless you get help to break it.

@SayDoWhatNow you and I do sound very similar! I relate so much to that.

You sound exhausted and I really feel for you as two of my children are the same age, it’s exhausting. I’m stuck between wishing the time away waiting for life to get easier and wanting things to slow down. You clearly don’t want to feel this way, you may very well be depressed but we don’t have to pathologize everything and this could just be down to all of the difficulties parents experience associated with children this age. I wake in the morning and it’s chaos from the get go, arguing screaming shouting.

I wonder if some time with each child individually would be beneficial to help you feel more connected to them? (I usually find mine are worse when together). Maybe your husband could do something with your eldest whilst you take your youngest.

I won't suggest a bunch of possible solutions because, for me, it was quite simply being in the trenches and all that helped was the passing of time. People will suggest all manner of things and maybe some will help but sometimes it's just a really shit era and you sort of cling to the wreckage for a bit.
My kids are aged 6-13 now and life is far, far less painful. Monologues and tantrums from the youngest are still a thing but much reduced. The eldest is actually a brilliant human being I love to spend time with now. He's smart, really funny, pretty independent.. The days of all of us crying in the car after another failed fun day out are a distant memory and I truly don't miss them so don't let anyone guilt you into the "enjoy them now, you'll miss it!"

@ifeelasido This really highlights what your problem actually is… your kids are desperate for 1-to-1 attention (and I agree they may be ND), but you can’t give it to them as you are having to juggle both of them.

The constant demands for your attention would reduce if they were also getting a decent amount of attention from their father, but it sounds like they aren’t.

What are your dh’s working hours, and what does he do outside of those? (is it gaming / football/ socialising?). He needs to step up with the kids.

My final thoughts on this thread despite the fact I know I will get flamed. The simple fact is not everyone is cut out to dedicate their lives to raising children because in effect when you decide to have a child that is part of the bargain. Those who wkan up every day & think I'm so grateful to have this little soul in my life I would spend every second of every day nurturing them if I didn't have to work. Then on days off they happily do exactly that despite feeling drained & exhausted with their demands. If I was to list the positive contribution by children have made to my life I would be here all day. Yes it's hard, yes it's tiring, yes there are days when I think would I do all this again. My answer was always without a doubt yes. Sadly not all parents feel the same to the detriment of the children they brought into the workd

This will sound harsher than intended but don’t make this about you.

They haven’t ruined my life; far from it. But I am allowed to find some phases very difficult and to say so anonymously.

I am sorry for what you went though but it is nothing to do with me; please don’t lay it at my door.

Not read all the previous thread, but I'd ask your GP to run basic blood tests including iron & vit D. If your vit D is less than 100nmol/L or so, or ferritin less than 100/transferrin saturation less than 20%, those could well be the reasons for struggling. I fall back into burnout whenever my iron levels drop. Vit D is also important for oxytocin production which helps with family bonding.

Regarding the bike example. I'd say, "ok I'm going out on my bike now, see you later." And she'd say, "I want to come!" And I'd say "ok, get dressed then and we can go."

I did this type of thing countless times in loads of different situations and it worked so well!

Also for your son, monologuing is pretty normal but truthfully he's trying to connect to you because you're not trying to connect to him. That's his way of trying.

She wouldn’t have heard you. Are you imagining a child politely if insistently saying ‘I want to go out on my bike?’

You work part-time when your younger one is at nursery, so you NEVER get a break. That is very tough. It's tough for the kids too because you are tired and run down. Their behaviour sounds totally normal, but they sound a little bit starved of loving attention, which makes them more demanding. I had similar when my kids were that age. My advice.
It will get easier ... but not for a while.
Meanwhile:
Get bloods done in case you are anaemic or low on something.
Put your phone away while they are awake.
Tell your partner you are on the verge of a breakdown and he has to have both kids for a couple of hours minimum twice a week.
Wish you all the best. It's a hard job but it does get easier.

No you use their repetition and turn it around by saying ok I'm going out on my bike then, bye. She'll want to go with you and will get dressed.

She wouldn’t have heard you!

Thanks @Canoodler

So stick the TV on, stick DC in front of it with packets of crisps and chill out.

I am sorry you’re finding it so hard op. Mine are grown up but trying to thibk what I would do and I think it would dressed and out at weekends. All four of you. Wellies and rainwear if needed Park, ducks etc walk in woods, shopping , anything but out and keeping them busy and everyone getting fresh air or just air. Take a picnic or get some cheap lunch somewhere to be in late afternoon when you can then some TV ( hopefully down time for you) bath, dinner bed.It sounds like you are cooped up a bit? No judgement from me. Hope things improve soon x edited to add play dates with other families ? I was fortunate that a few of us would meet up in the park when the weather was ok. Kids played with other kids , adults had adult chat (with an eye on the kids of course)

I couldn't agree more, even though I have suggested TV as a break for OP.

This is the problem, lots of contradictory advice. Get them out of the house, they’re doing too much, when do they just chill? Theres no harm in a bit of TV but screens are the devil. Get them into bed early; what wait, they’re in bed at 7, no wonder they are up at 5. Don’t sweat the small stuff but no wonder their behaviour is poor on a diet of UPF.

What are your dh’s working hours, and what does he do outside of work?

Well you can do a combination you don't have to follow every detail of everything you read, you are maybe overwhelmed with information and that mixed in with a father who has checked out and possible mental health issues, your life is chaos, your children are only little and are chaotic because you there is no calm and it is a cycle of behaviour that you are not coping with,

When did the spiral start ?

No, but it does show that no one thing is necessarily the answer. I am a tiny bit prickly at people picking fault at me when I’m the one doing everything but it is very, very difficult to do everything.

Fwiw children's behaviour is rarely down to food, as long as they have a semi decent diet they bumble along just fine.

You are right you can pick and choose what suits , can you pinpoint when these feelings started?