To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

[ifeelasido]

That’s an awful title but it probably best summarises how I’m feeling at the moment.

Everything they do annoys me and a lot of it makes me really angry. I don’t even know why, repeated disobedience, the silliness, the long monologues my five year old subjects me to regularly. I just want to say - shut up, you are boring the hell out of me and I don’t care.

I feel numb. I’m sure they are trying to connect with me but I just feel detached and as if they are nothing to do with me. Then someone does something that kind of spurs me into action and I lose it.

I wish to god there was a way to reverse decisions like this, of course there isn’t. You’re stuck with it and everyone judges you for saying it out loud. But I just don’t feel as if I love or even like them very much.

Probably because she’s already overwhelmed and drowning and she doesn’t owe you a personal reply? It’s bad enough her children demanding her attention all day , every day, does a stranger on the internet need to add to it as well?

So children who actually communicate & are excited about life & all they are learning & want to share it with parents from day to day are now autistic. As difficult as they can be given the degree of attention & stimulation they require to keep them from getting bored & frustrated the answer appears to be counselling & drugs.

If genuine help with coping is required that's understandable possibly with a parents support group or a home help etc. To suggest counselling & drugs are all that's required is questionable. I see neither as a solution if not mentally ill. That's not saying it's definitely not the case with the OP but only a Doctor can decide.

That’s not what she said

Personally I think that we should leave autism diagnosis to the professionals and not do it over an internet forum.

@Virtueofhonesty there are a lot of replies (all much appreciated) and I am still parenting. I may miss stuff. I’m sorry. I’m not totally sure what you want me to respond with, to be honest, sorry.

@BoredZelda well quite but there’s not much I can do. He’s got the older one today. So that’s something. I was at breaking point yesterday and I think he’s sensed that. But note I’ve still got one of them; I’m actually OK with that as they really aren’t good together.

I don’t work full time. I’m part time and when I’m at work the younger one is in nursery. While I can book the odd ad hoc day I can’t make a regular habit of it unfortunately.

@WhatNoRaisins ds isn’t that bad; he doesn’t do it all the time, but he does do it at times when I’m zoned out and tired; usually last thing at night or first thing in the morning.

I don’t think either of my children are autistic and I don’t think that I am, although anything is possible.

But their behaviour has been challenging of late and when I take a step back I can appreciate it’s a combination of them winding one another up, the older one hearing not so nice things at school and repeating them, frustration form the younger one. The fact I can manage them alone and parent them very well as a rule is an indicator to me this is not neurodivergence.

But this morning was horrific. Screaming and shouting. Not listening to me, not listening to DH. Demanding ridiculous things (ds - when it’s my birthday, can I have a party at the zoo’ - nearest zoo is an hour away, we’ve never been and his birthday is in December ) and DD enraged about her bike which she won’t even ride!

Oof, my 5YO DD does this and to be honest I do feel like it is a way of connecting with me, I usually engage with it and I ask questions back about whatever they are talking about.. like where would you put your motorbike if it came in the house? If it was thin you could store it under your bed or in the fridge! We usually chat shit in the car when we there are no distractions like phones/screens etc.

I generally find it comes to a natural end OR you can then divert to something else, like draw me a picture of your thin motorbike etc, sometime she just want to feel seen or listened to, I read about the empty cup theory and it changed how I respond, it does seem to be a 'a thing', for us at least.

Her dad mostly ignores her / doesn't engage or does a 'yeah' or 'hmmm' but it is obvious he couldn't give a toss what she is talking about, they have an extremely poor relationship right now, she gets angry at him a lot when he ignores her and then he ignores her more 'because she is angry' .. it boils my piss to be honest.

I hope you can find a way to engage.

See my update on latest post. I just wondered what your thoughts were regarding my friends solution to a similar situation

I’m not sure it is a similar problem to be honest?

She doesn’t owe you a response

I can relate to this. I find ds seems to pick the worst moments. This morning when I was a broken shell is a case in point but see also when DD is having a screaming tantrum or I’m brushing my teeth …

I must remind myself he’s not actually trying to drive me batshit!

When I felt like this about 15 years ago, I tried to turn things round by doing small, kind things for my children. I thought I'd try 'fake it til you make it's, and thought (I was particularly struggling to like one child), 'what would I do/say/buy' if I adored this child?'. I ignored any lack of recognition or gratitude in return, and just romanticised the shit out of my life. Things didn't change overnight, and I was still massively burned out by life, but it truly did make a difference over time and I felt better about myself for doing it (which made a much quicker difference because I didn't feel so guilty about how I felt). Good luck.

Of course she doesn't have to respond but my friend having found an actual solution to raising similar children is as good if not better than suggesting drugs or counselling if not mentally ill. It's understandable to be interested in her thoughts in the particular case of my friend.

I don’t. They seem like normal kids for their age ie annoying. This is entirely about the parents and their lack of coping mechanisms
for typical young child behaviour.

Agreed.

Thank you. I’m honestly so grateful for you for being here with me and helping me.

I don’t think I’m very well. Nothing terrible but I haven’t been eating well, keep feeling dizzy and light headed. I’m so tired - I do go to bed early but I think with the best will in the world when you’re woken overnight and woken so very early in the morning it’s tiring.

I am really hoping it will get better. In many ways I’m finding (almost) age three more challenging then two for my little girl. She has become very temperamental and emotional which I think is linked to tiredness and also just a developmental stage. I’m trying to remember what ds was like at this age and I think he as also very challenging. He was quite nice (mostly!) by about three and a half years/ 3/4. So maybe it is just powering through the next 6-9 months.

You have to work hard on changing the children’s behaviour. It hasn’t happened overnight, sounds like everyone is unhappy with the choas. Your husband needs to check back in with life.
Children need structured boundaries and discipline, ignoring this will make it worse.
Please see a GP. Get your husband on board.
Things will not improve without a total household change.

I dont know why people are suggesting your children are ND, they seem completely NT to me?! The older one chats a lot, the younger one tantrums, as at 2 years of age they havent yet worked out how to handle their emotions (hell, some adults still havent) You havent said anything alarming imo. Thats not to say it isnt still tricky.

I dont want to go on about a therapist as I'm also in a position were I'd struggle to engage with one (solo parent, with him 24/7) But I wonder if you could do it on your lunch break at work, or you should get an hour or so for a health appointment? Just putting it out there if you havent thought of that way around it.

I do second GP and possible medication for depression. Bare in mind you may feel "worse" before you feel better and medication can take around 4 to 8 weeks to work, but it is still worthwhile and beneficial to many.

I would try and carve out as much time as possible (again I know how difficult this is first hand) for yourself, a bath over the weekend, reading a book for half an hour in bed before you get up (can you share lie ins over the weekend so you get one each?), skin care when the children are asleep. If your two year old still naps take that time to relax, dont try and do your chores/cooking etc, they can always wait and will be there when shes napped.

Sending love x

You might actually also be a bit unwell - could be thyroid or something hormonal or vitamn deficiency too? A round of blood tests at the GP might be indicated?

I hear you on powering through and it's good to hear you are feeling in control of things with these thoughts. I would gently suggest that this strategy might not work - it assumes you can just bear the load for a bit longer- but actually a new strategy might be needed xx

Then you both need help, and need to see your GP. But parenting is boring a lot of the time. There is only so much finger painting, singing etc you can do and not get bored. Stick the TV on and read a book with a cup of tea (or coffee if that way inclined). Boredom is the fount of creativity btw.

In addition to discussing meds, also request a full set of bloods. There might be other things going on too(vitamin deficiency, iron deficiency, thyroid issues etc). Have you been losing weight?
Sounds like you’re running on fumes, physically, emotionally and mentally so of course you will be struggling.

Disobedience should have consequences (but never threaten something you cannot perform e.g. unless you stop making farting noises you won't come to Disneyland Paris is only going to a) cause problems and b) show that you do not follow through on consequences).

OP isn’t bored, she’s overwhelmed and worn out.

You sound like a lovely mum and I’m sorry you are struggling at the moment. It does get easier though.

You have my sympathy - I am about 1y behind you with a 4yo and nearly 1yo (who is often still easily mollified as still a baby). But my 4yo is intense.

I really hear you on the constant questions / talking at you. It can be so frustrating because it's not really a conversation. Answering questions makes me feel like a slot machine and engaging with a monologue is a minefield - echo back what he said and I get "stop copying me Mummy!" Try to ask an interested question and there's a reasonable chance it triggers huffing and puffing and stomping about "That's not what I'm saying! You're not listening! You don't understand!" Noncommittal responses he often twigs I'm not really engaging.

When you add that to other demanding behaviour that needs managing (rude demands for stuff, jealousy of sibling, limited independent play, making deliberate messes, shouting about stuff, needing to be coaxed through every single personal hygiene task while fielding a crawling baby into everything) it is a lot.

My other current parenting nadir is procrastination and needing support on the toilet. Our bathroom is tiny and coaxing DS through pulling down pants and trousers, sitting on the toilet and then fending off requests for stories while he is pooping, then coaching bum wiping, pants and hand washing only for him to unravel all the toilet paper, smear his wet hands on the mirror and throw the towel on the floor (multiple times a day). Omg the mum rage.

Things that are helping me a lot:

• regular playdates with friends for the older one - low key park meetup or something similar, maybe bringing a picnic. Sometimes it's a bust but often he is happy to play with a friend mostly independently without any major intervention needed
• choosing one problem behaviour at a time to work on and really focusing on that. My current focus is rude demands - "Milk! Get me milk!" Every time he does this I correct him and coach him to a polite request. Loads of praise if he spontaneously asks politely. At some point you notice that there may be 50 other frustrations, but at least he said please / put his shoes in the cupboard or whatever.
• Really trying to do 10 minutes of uninterrupted play solo with both kids each day to fill their cups. I've slipped with this recently and I need to get back on it but it really does make a difference to their behaviour