To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

[ifeelasido]

That’s an awful title but it probably best summarises how I’m feeling at the moment.

Everything they do annoys me and a lot of it makes me really angry. I don’t even know why, repeated disobedience, the silliness, the long monologues my five year old subjects me to regularly. I just want to say - shut up, you are boring the hell out of me and I don’t care.

I feel numb. I’m sure they are trying to connect with me but I just feel detached and as if they are nothing to do with me. Then someone does something that kind of spurs me into action and I lose it.

I wish to god there was a way to reverse decisions like this, of course there isn’t. You’re stuck with it and everyone judges you for saying it out loud. But I just don’t feel as if I love or even like them very much.

I wouldn’t have replied and suggested it if I didn’t recognise some of it in comparison with my own life. I have a high needs autistic child. I am diagnosed myself - I didn’t ’pay for’ my diagnosis (thats ok too btw) I was referred by a GP with a specialism in neurodisability and thank goodness I was. Many missing puzzle pieces in my life have now been found.

Unless neurodivergence is only triggered by siblings being around one another I honestly don’t think that they are. They are fine apart. But thank you.

I have a ND child and a NT child. I put my earpods in, I don't put any music or anything on but it dulls the sound down enough that I can THINK long enough not to snap. It's almost like it gives my brain time to process and prioritise because it's actually the noise of trying to hear two things at once that overwhelms me. I wish I'd realised it would help sooner (I don't actually like my ears being touched or things in them so I resisted for a long time)

Also therapy is great, but it doesn't sound like you are in the right place for that right now anyway. Depression/anxiety and overwhelm to the point you are dissociating and detaching may well require medication and that is completely OK! You need to come out of the fog and the thickness first, you need to feel mentally stable enough to handle therapy because therapy is not easy, it can be triggering, it can take time to work through something and isn't an instant solution.

What I will say is you can do CBT online through the NHS so when you do feel ready, it can be quite easy to slot that in even with a busy schedule.

So amazing you are aware and looking for help! If you feel like that, thats ok , not your fault. I remember I had to drink strong coffee before playing with my daughter....so so so boring. So to counteract this I always invited playdates and they had amazing fun times, always laughing playing and I took them out too. That was my way of coping and everyone loved it, especially parents of the children that were invited :) And I only did things with my daughter that I enjoyed, so I didnt have to pretend I am having fun ;)

They're your kids OP, nobody is demanding you do anything. I certainly would spend a tiny amount of time reading about neurodisability markers in young children. Also being together is absolutely a big trigger for sensory/emotional overwhelm in neurodivergent kids. When my two were 5 and 2 they triggered each other constantly. Little kids make lots of sudden noises, snatch things, run around, make mess etc, and that can be very overwhelming for the other kids (who also likes to do that stuff but not in tandem with the sibling).

I don’t think you would be where you are now emotionally if something weren’t going on. And that something might not be that anybody in your house is neurodivergent but also… it might.

I was also going g to ask if you might be ND (I am). Definitely talk to your GP. I've been in not dissimilar situations, where it feels like you have no control / are forced into this situation (and just want to hand the problem / kids back). The right medication can not only help you deal with & manage the situation, but also then help actively improve it.

Also how old are you? Perimenopause can also weigh in on this, esp with ADHD as the Oestrogen helps mitigate.

How are they at school/nursery? Any issues there?

Just because OP is struggling at the moment we shouldn’t immediately label her as neurodivergent. Although I find that almost everyone on MN thinks they or their children are!

You really must get some help with this.

My mother was like you, and it’s literally damaged every relationship I’ve had in my whole life - friends, husband, even my own child in some ways.

Get help so your children can form healthy relationships in later life.

You haven’t read my replies properly, I didn’t label anybody

Is anybody neurotypical? I have noticed ( late in life) I will not walk on a crack or in a puddle. Nobody cares. I'm probably neurodivergent. So what? Still have to get through the days.

Having a child diagnosed as ND is no miracle cure! But it does teach you why things like sticker charts can make things worse rather than better. Or it’s not, as a different poster suggested, that you’re just not applying the parenting techniques correctly.

It may be that OP has depression, it would be easier to solve if it was all that was going on.

Their behaviour is normal for their age (5 year old is still trying to work out basic stuff so obviously their preoccupations are boring) but I get that it must be tough.
Back in the day parents could send their children out to play, come back at tea time but of course you can’t do that now.

I contacted IAPT for help and explained my circumstances and was offered Web chat therapy where I could book the appointment. There were slots from 5am onwards to very late at night and I could change the appointment as long as it was more than 24 hours notice. I could even send messages to my therapist on the chat if there was anything in particular I wanted to discuss.

Why not ask for that service?

I'm confused why you think you might be ND but you're absolutely sure your kids aren't OP? Neurodiversity often runs in families so if you are then there's a far greater chance that one or both of them are.

You say they're fine when they're apart but you say the oldest talks at you in monologues - are you aware that that is very typical autistic behaviour? DS used to do it, it's how I'd get him to go out for a walk, I'd say lets go for a walk and talk about X (his fave topic of the time). We'd go for a walk, he'd talk at me for 30 minutes and I'd go mmm every now and then and ask the odd question so he felt I was interested in him. I had no idea it was a thing at that time and he wasn't diagnosed till several years later. It might not be of course, it might just be him trying to get your attention, but worth considering as a possibility.

Your DD is 2 and so of course that is an impossible age, if she doesn't want to get dressed could she just put a coat or jumper over whatever she's wearing? Pick your battles, this isn't a hill to die on IMO.

Definitely, definitely put your phone away and engage with the kids. Make the most of one being out with dad to do something nice with the other. Go for a walk, play with his toys with him, do something arty, do some simple cooking. The more you engage with him the better his behaviour is likely to be. If you're on you're phone a lot and the only way to get your attention is to play up then that is what they will end up doing.

It sounds like you're really struggling with depression though so please speak to your doctor.

Sorry if you’ve already said, but how old are you? Apparently the nurturing hormones really dip post menopause.

I don’t want to be that person who mentions PND, but I had it and it’s awful - don’t rule it out.

Have you got help at home, grandparents who can help out etc? Parenting young DC is exhausting and often not at all fun. Try and make sure you do something enjoyable with them so you’re not always in a rut of chores and tidying etc. meeting up with friends and their DC always helps me.

I know it sounds weird but is it possible to for you to go back to some form of part time work and use the money for childcare.

i found just going into work and mixing with adults gave me and the kids a good break. I enjoyed my time with them more.

even if you’re not making a profit, you might find it helps you mentally.

OP works part time.

I’ve read your updates - I took sertraline and swore by it. First few weeks can be rocky but stick with it.

Get off your phone and take them to the park to run off steam every day they’re not at school/nursery. The fresh air and sunshine will help you too. Being at home is the worst.

Seek an assessment for your DS re ASD if not already done so; school can advise when he goes.

How fortunate for him he’s been able to do that. Meanwhile someone still has to be a parent.

I'd find living with someone who info dumps hard. Like you're just a dustbin for what comes out of their mouths. Almost dehumanising.

Not sure what you could do if it's something they can't change but I know I'd have to disconnect at least some of the time for my own mental health.

OP I agree that you need to look after yourself first here. Take the odd day off for yourself for now.

Sounds like you’re really struggling and it’s good you’ve said something here. If your kids are that young could it be post natal depression? That can carry on for years if not treated. Definitely see a doctor, and definitely be kind to yourself. And don’t let your doctor ignore you. Good luck x

I’m so sorry. When I used to feel like that then I would make my dh bring them both out for the day. He did it and I used to feel a million times better afterwards. This if what you need. DEFINITELY book the eldest in for more days at nursery. Right now you need to put your oxygen mask on, you’re in no condition to connect with him atm

Op I am Interested as to why you haven't responded to.my story about my friend. She had extremely bright & high end physically orientated children now in competitive sport. They demanded her attention from morning till night & were stubborn to the point of screaming if she didn't give in to demands. Her daughter age 5 could talk for Britain. Difficult children can also be highly intelligent & athletic in nature. They are simply harder work than the more laid back passive type. Has this ever crossed your mind as a phase you are better surrendering to.🤔

OP are you working full time? I find that when works over whelming me I can take it out on my DC. When my DC were little we cut our lifestyle back significantly so I could work 3 days a week in a mundane admin role. If I had to work full time, in a stressful role whilst juggling little kids I would have completely snapped!

Regarding parenting classes, our primary school regularly advertises these in the school newsletter. They hold some in the actual school too. It might be worth mentioning that youre interested in these to school receptionist. You dont need to spill your guts to them about why you need them and they wont judge you!