To think this wedding is taking the piss a bit

[BraveLittleBird]

Second wedding, 100+ guests. I can’t get out of attending but AIBU to be annoyed about the following:

Remote venue which means either driving or paying for taxis. Some transport has been laid on but guests are being charged to use it

A honeymoon fund complete with bank details

A dress code request only shared 2 weeks before the day when most people will have bought outfits

There are other minor things but these have particularly annoyed me as the first two seem tight and grabby - you don’t invite people then expect them to pay and if you can afford a big do you should pay for your own bloody holiday. The third is just thoughtless and sums up the ‘all about them never mind their guests’ attitude.

I’m sure there are worse bride/groomzillas out there but AIBU to find this a bit of a piss take when we’re already spending several hundred on accommodation as we don’t live nearby.

No dress code is a dress code 🙂

Given how many threads we get on here asking "is this appropriate for X", I'd have thought a guide to an overall aesthetic would be mostly welcomed. People often wonder what to wear to a do, so this can be helpful. People usually want a certain tone or atmosphere to their occasion, and the dress code helps to set that. There's really nothing to be offended about.

(Not saying this applies to you, just in general. Really surprised to hear there are people out there who will refuse to attend if they see "come as you are" or "smart casual" on the invitation but it's probably best those people stay away anyway.)

I couldn't agree more. It seems controlling. I've been to many, many weddings in all sorts of venues. Never a dress code. People always looked fine, some more fancy than others.
It's completely unnecessary.

Don't go then.

The only acceptable (just about) code would be to do with function eg ‘dinner will be in a muddy field; the forecast is rain so you might want to bring some boots’. Anything to do with appearance is contemptible.

Fascinated as to what the dress code excludes.

Remote venue which means either driving or paying for taxis. Some transport has been laid on but guests are being charged to use it
Middling annoying. We made sure nobody was stuck getting from church to reception and organised lifts between people but getting to the church in the first place and back from the reception was up to others. Wasn't too remote though.

A honeymoon fund complete with bank details
Not at all annoying or unreasonable. This is nothing but massively helpful and I am a big fan. Completely removes coming up with a gift idea from me as a chore.

A dress code request only shared 2 weeks before the day when most people will have bought outfits
Loathe this. Any dress code is an unreasonable and rude imposition on your guests.

I have been to out of the way weddings before with not a lot in the way of public transport. All of these weddings have had coaches laid on (for free) by the bride and groom. Anything else is desperately tight-fisted in my opinion.

Contemptible 😆

All three of those things are really not on.

I would expect the bride and groom to pay for any transport to and from the venue from the place where everyone is generally staying.

Honeymoon fund - a bit tacky but I guess practical.

Dress code two weeks before - any form of dress code is silly, and two weeks before is taking the piss.

What dress code did you stipulate?

We had a dress code for my nieces wedding, so we didn’t clash with the bridesmaids - it was 100% fine, and nobody was inconvenienced.

Its hard to know if the bride in this case is being unreasonable, we haven’t actually got a clue as to what she has said.

I’ve no idea why people are being so pissy about 2nd weddings. Why shouldn’t people celebrate, you have no idea why it’s a second wedding, from the first husband dying, to escaping an abuse marriage, to celebrating a new start - a 2nd wedding is worth celebrating as much as a first .. people shouldn’t feel obliged to downplay it, because they have done it before.

I'm an elder lemon now, and honestly I will only go to weddings of immediate family now. I know that's not helping OP, but unless it was a sibling or niece/nephew I'd decline. No explanation needed, "I regret I will be unable to attend your wedding on X date, I hope you and Groom have the most wonderful day. Love x." I do send a very generous gift and card. I mean what can the B+G do, get a pitchfork to hunt me out of my house to the venue!

As long as you decline with plenty of notice so they can reassign your place(s), or cancel them, all's good, happens all the time.

I haven't read the FT, but I suspect OP has already agreed to go. Oh dear. We should all have an "escape plan" for such weddings. 😊

You seem to have an issue that it’s a second wedding. That doesn’t make it any less worthy of being celebrated. Everyone deserves to celebrate the happiness they have found - it can often mean more to people second time round if they had a bad marriage first time.

Why won't you say what the dress code is?
Do you have to buy a sari or something?

Remote location - for some of us Exeter is more expensive to get to than Lake District so it depends on where you are. One person’s remote location is next door for another.

Honeymoon fund- just fancy name for cash present.

Dress code 2 weeks before - that was really bad, no way I would follow that. I would be tempted to txt them that I couldn’t come if the dress code wasn’t lifted.

Why can’t you get out of attending?

Feign ignorance at the dress code...
"Dress code? What dress code?" ...if anyone asks.

The dress code is not good. Not enough notice. And seems a bit naff anyway.
It sounds like a wedding where the party and trimmings are more important than the marriage ceremony.

If the dress code has been communicated a fortnight before the wedding, presumably the wedding is in a fortnight so the OP really can’t back out.

If people don’t wear stuff listed on the dress code, how big a deal will it be? If it is meant to be all in black and white, I’d feel quite out of place wearing yellow (say). But presumably you were going to wear something smart and serviceable?

It doesn’t matter what you would do if you were to remarry, this is what the couple have chosen to do. YABU to accept the invite and then do nothing but complain about it

I'd be annoyed about the late dress code notification. Nothing wrong with the honeymoon fund, and sadly remote location weddings are par for the course nowadays. That being said, I've been to two truly remote weddings and transport has been laid on. But if its a case of taxis or hire cars being available, then just double up with other guests and use what's there.

Isn't the honeymoon fund the proposed gift though, which is normal? I think unfortunately, there is a trend for spending too much on big days & a lot of couples do end up in debt, starting married life like that, keeping up with the Joneses. It's not something I buy into myself & if I ever got married I'd just spend the money on a honeymoon & not bother inviting people to a wedding but maybe now that this couple have blown their money on the wedding maybe they genuinely can't afford anything else! You don't have to go though. In life, we get to choose.

I agree op. I was 22 and skint when I married xh. We got married in our flat (abroad) as the courts were closed due to Covid so the marriage officer came around. Wore a £10 second hand wedding dress off eBay!

Would have loved a big fancy wedding but I wouldn’t have dreamt of expecting guests to fund it!

It massively fucks me off when they ask for money as a gift. Thankfully I’m a single parent now so use the excuse of childcare to get out of attending them.

100%

The remote venue isn't inherently unreasonable; in my opinion though if you can afford a wedding for 100 and you're having it in a remote venue, you don't charge them for the transport! I've only had one wedding but we did have it in a fairly remote venue (that is special to us, near where I grew up) and we did a LOT of spadework researching accommodation options at different price levels and the laid on a local taxi service for the night to ferry people to and fro. AND we did a small do on the night before as we knew people would be coming down for the weekend and it would be easier for them to get dinner that way, AND we did transport to and from church and weddig venue. All because we wanted not to layer additional expense and massive inconvenience on top of the main expense of getting there.

The dress code at 2 weeks' notice is WILDLY unreasonable - I suppose it could be OK if it's something simple and they've said 'if you can' but even then... no that should've stayed an idea.

The honeymoon fund is not unreasonable at all, you don't have to contribute but realistically, people will have been asking them about presents / gift lists and I personally would far rather get something the couple want (even if it's vouchers or one random expensive fork from a wedding list) than guess and waste my money. And to repeat: you don't have to contribute.

So - I think it seems they and you are being unreasonable here! but overall it seems like you'd be better off not going!