To think this wedding is taking the piss a bit

[BraveLittleBird]

Second wedding, 100+ guests. I can’t get out of attending but AIBU to be annoyed about the following:

Remote venue which means either driving or paying for taxis. Some transport has been laid on but guests are being charged to use it

A honeymoon fund complete with bank details

A dress code request only shared 2 weeks before the day when most people will have bought outfits

There are other minor things but these have particularly annoyed me as the first two seem tight and grabby - you don’t invite people then expect them to pay and if you can afford a big do you should pay for your own bloody holiday. The third is just thoughtless and sums up the ‘all about them never mind their guests’ attitude.

I’m sure there are worse bride/groomzillas out there but AIBU to find this a bit of a piss take when we’re already spending several hundred on accommodation as we don’t live nearby.

Dress Codes are obnoxious no matter how much notice you get. I wouldn’t do it.

remote locations are pretty thoughtless. I think a good host thinks about their guests and if you do that you provide and pay for transport.

honeymoon fund wouldn’t bother me I’d be buying a gift and this way they get what they want.

I think you were very lucky as this is normally reserved for the bridal party.

I've never heard of the B&G paying for all the other guests to be accommodated.

What’s the dress code?

Never knew there was so much objection to dress codes. Some dos are casual, some are smarter, some are black tie. Never occurred to me to be offended by seeing "come as you are", "smart casual" or "black tie" on an invitation. Probably best not to turn up if you're that easily offended, God knows what else would set you spitting otherwise.

If there is a dress code, though, you definitely need to communicate it at the start. Two weeks before is ridiculous.

I don't think it's that unusual for the couple to put on a coach for guests to get between the ceremony venue and the reception, I've been to a couple of weddings where this has happened. I'd expect to pay for my own hotel though. We attended a wedding last year and I had mine and DD's dresses bought weeks in advance, I would have been mightily pissed off if the new "dress code" said they weren't suitable and probably ignored it and worn them anyway, neither of them were white or remotely bridal looking.

Re: the dress code- it would depend what that entails. As a pp said -'formal country whimsy'- no thank you. A reminder not to rock up in jeans or a tracksuit- sadly necessary sometimes.

Honeymoon fund- meh. I don't care- if they want cash, that's fine by me. I don't view it as paying for a ticket to their wedding or anything, I view it as a welcome relief from having to think about what they might like/going to the shops/choosing the boring thing on the gift list that fits my budget.

As for paying for my own transport to a wedding- doesn't that always happen? I can't think of one wedding where they've paid for my transport or accommodation expenses. Perhaps my circles aren't exalted enough...

"Wear what you feel appropriate" is surely the very opposite of a dress code!

To be fair idk if they paid for everyone. One was my cousin so fairly close, other was a family friend only so we were definitely lucky on that one.

Second bride was always claiming to be broke, but I think her family were in fact really pretty loaded. As I know groom's family I think we're comfortable but not rich. All four of them had decent well established careers. So may well have paid some of it themselves.

On both occasions I think we probably still would have gone without the lure of a free room. It was nice though!

@BillieWiper No one pays for guests to stay overnight! That’s always optional. They might pay for close family but not friends! We have 200 coming to DDs and certainly not forking out for multiple hotel rooms. DD has been to 40 weddings and it’s not the done thing to pay for a hotel. Her wedding is in a fairly remote stately and we are putting on coaches - carriages at 1 am.

We have a black tie dress code and that won’t cause issues. All their friends know what that means! We’ve a couple of contrary friends but they are still invited! Who, with good manners, complains anyway? It should be on the invitation though. There’s web sites where you an accept, get info, book the coach, choose food options snd drinks etc. Nothing needs to be a surprise!

We had friends who asked for money to repair their cottage roof! Who cares about gifts - older folk don’t want yet another corkscrew or saucepan! They will love the honeymoon. DD is having contributions to something they like (somewhat decadent) and guests don’t seem bothered about it and it’s totally voluntary. I’ve no idea why people get so upset about alternative ideas for weddings. You either go or don’t. DD has 4 who have declined - booked holiday and baby due that weekend!

Yes, I agree with all of this. It's fairly common to ask for contributions to the honeymoon in lieu of a gift, it's a good idea.
Dress codes and remote locations, though? No no.

Not sure why you would expect them to pay to get you to the venue?! That’s never been a thing.
Every wedding I’ve been to we have either stayed at the venue or arranged taxis/lifts or one of us has not drank so we could drive home

No I have never had an invitation that had a dress code on it.

I'm in Scotland and it definitely isn't a thing here and hopefully never will be.

If the 'dress code' is just what you'd expect at the venue (as per your post) then it shouldn't affect you if you're planned outfit is appropriate.

of course it's your responsibility to get yourself to the venue. Very few people get married at a train station or dead centre of the town.

they've made it easier for those who don't wish to drive by arranging transport. There's no need for them by to pay because some people choose not to drive.

Friends had a honeymoon fund, but you could choose what to pay for from an ice cream to
share to a meal, x activity etc it was fun choosing what to pay for & they sent photos if them enjoying whatever it was with a 'thank you' Much better than stressing over what to buy!!

I would prefer to pay towards guest transport than have to faff around booking taxis myself

Guests paying for their own transport and gifting money towards a honeymoon is pretty standard in my experience.
2 weeks notice on a dress code is not. I wouldn't be going out buying a new outfit if I had that sprung on me.

It just sounds like it's a reminder to the people with no sense - like 'no bare shoulders' to the church. (Though many churches don't care these days. Some still do) rather than must be yellow with green stripes.

But if you read one of her later posts , it sounds like it's just a reminder to be dressed appropriately for the venue

I’ve only ever had one invitation where a dress code was stipulated and it was we could only wear certain colours. Luckily it clashed with another event so we didn’t have to go, lots of people were moaning about the colour scheme thing but the photos have to look good for instagram I guess!

But people normally pay to travel to weddings unless they live next door to venue? I've never heard of a wedding where the B&G pay for people's transport, except maybe if the ceremony is abroad.

You need to drive to access most wedding venues, don’t you? I think I only went to one wedding that was taking place in a city center and could be accessed by public transport.

Honeymoon fund - not an issue as long as it is in lieu of gifts. I’d rather spend my money on something they want rather than a random
gift that might not be used.

Dress code - I agree that 2 weeks is too short notice… except if it is something very easy, like no high heels, or something that is just a reminder of normal wedding dress code (no black or white, etc)

None of these are particularly unreasonable.

Id be annoyed about a venue in the middle of nowhere, but if it really bothered me, I wouldn't go. Most people would rent a bus for guests to get from e.g. the church to the reception venue, but it is unusual to charge people for this. I think if you're putting on a wedding and you're organising transport, you should pay.

Most people ask for cash now. People get married later and have all the home stuff they need. Fair enough you think it's too crass to do, but this couple clearly don't. It's a suggestion; not a demand. If you don't want to contribute, don't.

Dress code...it's weird they didn't specify on the invitations. Normally you'd see something like 'formal'. If they've gone OTT and specified everyone has to wear Hawaiian shirts, then they should have specified more than 2 weeks before the wedding.

These days maybe. My friends and I all got married in the late nineties and early 2000s and not a single one of us told our guests what to wear. It’s a modern day abomination.

It's the norm where I live that if the venue is a fair distance away or remote, then the bride and groom will lay on a bus to take guests to and from the venue.

I would have no issue with contributing to the honeymoon fund IF they couple have made it clear that that is instead of presents.

So far as the dress code is concerned, it depends. If it's something like my SIL's where she and husband no. 2 tried to stipulate what colours to wear, I would ignore it. If it's something I should have worked out anyway, e.g. no jeans, no white dresses, no strapless dresses with plunging necklines, then I'd suck it up.

I went to a wedding with a dress code a number of years ago, I had never even heard of it before and only realised (hadn’t read the instructions on the invite) when talking to the bride and mentioning I had a lovely cerise dress I was going to wear and she told me that would be too bright for the photos

everyone (apart from bride and groom) moaned about it (not a uk wedding) it’s a bizarre things to ask of people